directionless. in terms of what to say. however, the beauty of life is you don’t have to have everything put together in order to forge a story that makes sense to you. that’s the beauty of it all, honestly.
it’s been about a month or so since i’ve written. probably a little over a month. i think the last time i wrote, it was right before my birthday. what happened since then? i don’t even know where to begin when it comes to that. i fell into a dark spiral of difficulty and just not feeling like myself. i feel like my whole body shut down and i was in this space of disassociating myself from who i really was. it’s so weird to talk about in retrospect because that didn’t feel like it was me for a while. i’m still in the process of getting myself back together, but it took a complete breakdown of who i believed i was, all the ideologies i have carried around for so long, and just my state of being and this state of being somewhat sedentary and not going anywhere in any shape or form in regards to what i am accustomed to. i haven’t honestly been able to work and this writing is the first time i have been able to focus on anything in the past month or so (even though i feel like i’m jumping from tab to tab, application to application while i write) because of a string of reasons.
- my mental health has been trash and the medications i was taking, i lost around this time last month and haven’t been able to get it specifically refilled so it just felt like i was losing control of myself and not able to actually get out of bed to work, socialize, be around people, etc. (i’m actually not working currently)
- drinking to disassociate myself and take the pain away from what i am currently going through because of social anxieties and whatnot and feeling like i couldn’t actually talk to people about what’s going on in my life
- hating what i’m actually doing with my life and the floodgates just hit me like a brick finally and i realized it was time for something to shake and break because what was going on…..nah. it just wasn’t working for me at all and i was just feeling like i have been living a lie
after hella mounds of therapy, psychiatry, ACTUALLY talking to friends and opening up to others…i feel like i’m slowly but surely trying to get back on the up and up. what i am realizing with all the astrological transits that we have had is that i have been extremely sensitive to the ebbs and flows of life. that is okay in retrospect because it’s given me the opportunity to assess life as it is and whether or not what i am doing really matters in the grand scheme of things. and those things truly matter in the world and in our lives because they’re what are our bread and butter – actually being able to focus on all the different aspects of life that matter in a way that we haven’t ever been able to realize because we are always moving.
moving in a way that numbs us to what is actually going on around us. and not being able to tap into self and actually think about what is going on in our spirits. in our hearts.
i don’t want to go back to that space again and i have vowed to make life feel a lot more golden on a regular basis by checking back in with me. realizing what actually matters and how temporary some stuff can be. it’s the wake up call i have been looking for. took 29 years, but i would rather it take this long than never wake up and still be asleep like i was.