scrooge.

ever since my parents divorced, the holidays have been a difficult time for me. i should specifically say the christmas holiday season, because thanksgiving died for me when my grandmother passed when i was 15 years old. it’s hard for anyone to have a tradition completely be erased out of nowhere and try and start from scratch to create a new one. and that’s what the holiday season always reminds me of these days…unfulfilled desires and erased memories.

my grandmother passed from cervical cancer when i was a teenager and thanksgiving used to be spent with her in bogue chitto, alabama. yes, that’s a real place – the backwoods. this was my dad’s mother, so of course this hit him really hard after already losing his father on the day after thanksgiving way back in 1999. jumping from house to house for thanksgiving or just staying inside and ‘celebrating’ became the norm for thanksgiving. i hated going from house to house, spreading holiday cheer when inside, i really was sad that the tradition i was used to just dissipated. it never was the same.

fast forward to my sophomore year of college. i leave for a summer program and my parents are living in the same house and come home and my mom has moved out into her own house after just 8 weeks of me being away. going home has never been the same since then, and the older i’ve gotten…the more complicated it’s gotten and the more expensive it is. in my own opinion, it’s harder to deal with divorce as an adult than it is when you’re a child because at least you have a longer amount of time to adjust to being shipped back and forth between parents. it’s not your decision – it’s really your parents’ decision to decide where you end up for the most part and there’s some equalizer at times to decide who goes where. that may not be everyone’s narrative, but it’s some people’s narrative. as an adult, you’re the one that decides where you’re going to go. it’s also an experience when you don’t live in the same state as your parents and have to procure your own transportation between locations and decide who you’re going to stay with, how long you’re going to be there, all that jazz. the holidays are just a difficult time and require a lot of running around and energy that i just don’t have mustered up in me anymore to front with.

every year when someone asks me if i’m going home, i feel a little bit of guilt inside, a little bit of hurt inside, and a lot of isolation creeping up on me. can you afford to purchase a car to drive between your mom and dad’s house because one doesn’t want to drop you off at the other’s? can you afford this expensive ticket to go home and what are you actually going to be able to buy them AFTER you already flew all the way down here? are you spending enough time with each parent while you’re in town? are you showing favoritism towards one? how is your regular life going to play out while you’re there; can you take phone calls from your gurls and have regular conversation in front of your family? will you see your brother? will you get to see your friends while you’re there? they’re all doing their own holiday thing so getting them together is going to be a task – i mean, you ARE the only one that doesn’t live in the same state as the rest of them. you WERE the one that moved away. will you and your stepmother have deep conversation this time? your stepbrother passed and that spirit still looms over your head (i miss you richard lee ragland, iii). how will you be able to step in and be the ‘son’ in place of your stepbrother being gone? how will you LEAVE when it’s time for you to go back to new york? waking up to eskimo kisses from your mother is annoying as an adult, but remind you of simpler, warmer times when you weren’t plagued by depression, anxiety, adulthood issues, and the like. will you and your brother argue or be able to spend time like you did when you were kids playing video games all day? is grandma going to be around to pray all over you while you are just trying to watch TV? good Lord, thank you for keeping grandma around all these years and my great aunts. but all that talking about my life and what’s going on – i barely even speak to my friends about all that’s going on. i barely even talk to my boyfriend about EVERYTHING that’s going on in my brain. wait, you have a boyfriend. how are you going to bring THAT up? do you even bring THAT up? what will your parents say? you remember them saying that they would slam the door in your face if you ever brought a man home to them. do you really want to go through that whole spiel of them making screw faces at you for loving someone that’s not who they anticipated you loving as they saw you grow up?

these are the thoughts that swarm me during this holiday season. and this is what forces me to just…

 

isolate.

be alone. not deal with these realities or these thoughts. not feel all of these feelings. even though those thoughts don’t go away, the anxiousness of being at home doesn’t swarm me in real time. it just tends to flow around me like i’m being encased in a jail cell of words that don’t serve me. and i would rather stay away from everyone while i feel that way instead of deal with that real time.

 

i haven’t seen a christmas tree in my living grounds since 2008. not anywhere that i personally own. i don’t put up ornaments. i don’t put up anything that resembles holiday cheer. because i don’t have any.

i want that old thing back. i want to create new traditions. i want to have happiness this time of year. i want to feel love this time of year. i want to feel like everything and everyone is full of joy around me. the only person i speak to these days is my Higher Power and we just sit around in silence, as They take care of me. my spirit feels heavy, but He helps me to feel lighter. my Ancestors are the ones that have always looked out for me during this time of year and it feels like as time goes on, those that pass just come and surround me during this time of year trying to uplift me as much as possible to keep me from going crazy.

all i want to do is be alone. is that healthy? probably not. and fighting against that is a lot more effort than you can even believe. but this is my reality in 2018.

damn, i wish i could at least give my parents, my friends, my family… one long ass hug right now.

no wonder i’m somewhat of a scrooge around the holidays. this distance is a killer. but i’m gonna try my best to stay…light.

amen. asé.

-gg

plucked.

standing, looking around you at how the space has not changed a bit…but you have. this is what it feels like to have internal growth and know that things do not resonate the same way that they previously might have. have you ever gone back to a place that you frequented as a child years into your future, and remember the good times, the bad times, and all of the experiences you may have shared there with friends or even alone? and then you recognize how different you are inside and how these things don’t resonate with you anymore? this is the act of shedding what does not serve you, and realizing what growths and gains you have made inside. this is one of the biggest acts of kindness and love you can give to yourself, especially when you are able to make peace with letting things go.

letting something go isn’t easy. letting something go isn’t going to be a simple act. it’s going to take a lot of work to let go of what doesn’t work for you. what doesn’t make you happy. what doesn’t fit in your reality anymore. these things that don’t fit into your reality allow your space and your aura to have room for more…more life, more happiness, more newness, more excitement, more fulfillment, just MORE. the more that you humbly ask for your soul to be filled with what it’s looking for, the more the Universe meets you. using your magick that you have been born with and being able to manifest the truth that you want takes work – it takes you realizing what has to be let go and making a conscious effort to do such.

yesterday was my first day back to work after being out on disability over a month for personal health issues. let me tell you – being gone for a month from somewhere gives you time to change personally, and also gives the space time to change. or not…and in this case, the space hasn’t changed a bit. while that is comforting to know what you’re getting yourself back into, it’s also a huge wake-up call in regards to what has to be done in order to make life more worth living regularly.

life changes. opportunities change. you change. and what you choose to do with that is important. when your Higher Power makes something crystal clear…gives you a sign that something needs to be fixed, or eradicated from your life…do you answer the call? or do you hide away?

yes, as humans we have to make decisions that benefit us in the long run, thinking about responsibilities. thinking about what we can control. but working towards what we can control that fulfills our soul is the contract our spirit signed when we entered this planet in our Earthly bodies. whether or not you choose to follow said contract signed and make use of it is half the battle..

are you willing to do the work when you outgrow the plant pot that you’re in? are you ready to be transferred to a bigger pot? maybe a nicer one with more decoration? maybe even a smaller one that can help your leaves be even more pronounced? that’s a choice and a decision that you have to make yourself, and also allow yourself to be placed in certain pots. that comes with feeding yourself the right way and showing that you are ready to be plucked for the picking.

oh Lord. oh Universe. oh Ancestors. oh Eleggua. master of all roads. i’m ready to be plucked.

join me?

amen. asé.

-gg

roadblock.

when you’re being redirected from the path that you planned, does that throw you off in a way that renders you unable to function? how do you react to setbacks when something that you planned or anticipated doesn’t happen the way that it’s supposed to?

this feeling and question came up for me this morning as i had a situation arise with something i was planning to transpire this upcoming week. i received notification that things would not happen as i anticipated, and i found myself initially feeling upset, let down, and frustrated. i began to worry about other things connected to this experience, and i woke up to this news so it felt like it was what was going to shape my day overall. after speaking to a friend and venting for a slight second, i was forced to remember how the Universe redirects you at times for your own safety. do you trust the way things happen in your life? do you trust what cannot be seen? if you cannot take a step back and allow the Universe to work its magic, are you truly functioning in the truth that the Universe wants you to have?

redirection can be one of the most annoying things to deal with. this is because we all have some idea in place or a situation we could potentially be excited for, and then all of a sudden…it is derailed. well, being thrown off track is a lesson in fact. it’s a lesson for you to take a step back and find another route to make your reality happen in a manner that’s best suitable for you in the moment. it also is the opportunity for the Universe and your Higher Power to work its magic in the interim also, and potentially open your world up to something you never may have anticipated. this belief and this understanding takes practice, but it also takes you being open to setbacks and re-routing your destination in a sense.

this practice isn’t easy, but you have a choice over how you react to these situations. will you react with anger and frustration, or will you react with peace, understanding, and move differently so that you don’t allow that negative energy to hang over your head? we all want things to go our way when WE want them to, but let’s just be honest: that isn’t realistic. it’s okay, also, that things don’t happen how we truly plan for them to. it shows us as humans how adaptable we are, and how we can recalibrate the route in order to get to success a different way. roadblocks aren’t always bad things – they can be put in the road for us to stop us from engaging in something that our Spirit does not need nor want in the moment. it also doesn’t mean that we won’t get what we want or deserve; it simply could just be the Universe’s way of saying “not right now”.

learn how to be more comfortable with allowing setbacks to be a part of your reality. every setback is a lesson on how to endure a difficult situation, and it teaches you resilience in any situation that comes your way. are you going to choose to be pissed and not make the best of your setback, or are you going to outsmart it and make it work for you? the choice is yours everyday.

amen. asé.

-gg

a ticket to the gun show.

how does it feel when you have regained authority over your life? 

you know what i’m talking about. when you had to experience dealing with a situation that you knew was bringing you so much stress and strife, and you had the strength to let it go.

when you allowed someone to speak to you or bother you with their nonsense, and you finally were able to speak up and explain how you didn’t want that energy to enter your aura field.

when you finally took ownership of something that had been holding you hostage for so long, and were able to see the light and remember that you got it all in control.

isn’t that feeling invigorating? isn’t that feeling life-changing? does it remind you who you are and what power you possess when you authentically act from a place of truth?

we struggle so much with taking authority for things in our lives or in certain spaces because we at times, we worry how the results may end up. we worry that someone may take offense to our belief, or that our point of view won’t be valued. if i have learned anything recently, i’ve learned that owning your authority is one of the most powerful gifts that you possess – it’s more or less whether or not you choose to own it.

we were given the power to decide what is right for us at all times. a job. a relationship. what we want to eat for dinner. is that the wig i want to throw on today? girl, these pants is tight…do we really want to throw those on? all of these decisions allow us to exert our authority if we think about it.

as authority is described as ‘the right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience’, i ask you to think about the last time that you were able to assert your authority for your own highest good. remember that your assertion of authority is not always going to gel with what someone else has in store for you. our lived experiences and our daily narratives do not always intertwine with others around us. how we may need to be filled that day, metaphorically speaking, may not be how your neighbor needs to be filled. what you may need out of a situation is not what your neighbor may need. but that shouldn’t push you to shy away from demanding what is yours.

spiritually, we have the authority to give thanks to whatever being and source we see fit. you have been given the graciousness to wake up again and choose how you want to be. you get to decide how you want to appear daily. sometimes, you get to decide your tasks for the day. you get the opportunity to be thankful for what may not have been there before. hell, you may be able to even give thanks for your authority.

finding your voice and owning it isn’t an easy feat. it truly isn’t. a lot of times, we allow the negative self-talk or the traumatic experiences we may have endured while speaking our truth to derail us. there are many people out there who attempt to dead what we believe in when it comes to owning our own personal strength. well, let me sit here to remind you that what’s yours is yours. what is made for you is made for you. putting your foot down for your own cause is one of the most powerful things you can do in your human body. it also delights your ancestors and your spiritual guides when you stand firm in what’s important to you.

the biggest thief of authority is fear. we get scared as to how it will be received. will our thought pattern be knocked down? will ownership of our truth cause friction with others?

well…do the ends justify the means is the question i want to pose to you. would you rather be happy, free, and honest by saying what the hell you have to say and doing what the hell you need to do, or continue to feel trapped because of a projection of someone else’s belief? that’s a choice you have to decide on your own.

take some time to own your authority today in some way. define what that is for you, and where you lack authority in your own life. i know personally, i’m working on gaining the authority over my daily choice of living and what i do with my time career-wise. i’m in the process of regaining authority over my daily life and daily choices. that isn’t a one-time fix – issa process my G.

so keep in mind that this isn’t all going to be automatically fixed overnight. sometimes it might, but most times, it’s like building a muscle and strengthening it so that way it’s seen when you walk around. no one will question a bodybuilder if they can lift something that looks heavy. it’s just seen because it’s obvious based on the way they carry themselves. carry yourself with the strength of authority today, claiming what is truly meant to be for you. i know you’ll feel even more empowered as a person when you do such.

i send so much love & light to you on today, and encourage you to flex that muscle for someone that didn’t even know you had it. shake a bitch today.

amen. asé.

-gg

do what u want.

privilege comes in many different forms and facets. i’m just gonna start by saying that even though my body and my actuality in this real world may not sit well with everyone, i still find privilege in everything that i have the opportunity to engage in.

whether that be sitting here writing. having somewhere to live. being able to eat what i want (well, for the most part because these thighs right now? honeyy). there are things that i am inherently privileged to do because of my current status.

however, this forces me to think about a child’s privilege, especially when children from different ethnic backgrounds experience a variety of lived experiences.

the other day, i was on the train and lemme tell you – i was already freaking out. if you know me, i don’t do public transportation much if i don’t have to. there’s so much energy you have to contend with because of the variety of people around you and not knowing them, and NY is packed so…break out into insta-sweat because my anxiety is flaring up. eventually i find the opportunity to sit down and i notice this mom and her two sons who are dressed up in what looked like some knock-off ComicCon outfit. that wasn’t happening this weekend in new york right? anyways, the youngest is literally wanting to climb on everything. like literally make this train car his jungle gym.

did i mention that this train car was packed? like, penis in my face while i sit and wait to travel all the way back to brooklyn type packed because i was sitting down? she tells him multiple times not to climb on stuff…but of course, you know he does. and this isn’t even the ‘lemme climb on the rail and not bother anyone’. ….

no sis.

this is the “ooh, i’m climbing on this seat and stepping on this woman’s purse in the pursuit of height!” type climbing. of course, he’s made to move…..and at this point the car has thinned out a bit so he goes to the other side of the car without his mother and is just bouncing all over everything.

i’m not even going to ask you to guess the race.

anyways, i had a moment to flashback because whilst rolling my eyes hard at the debauchery ensuing next to me, i thought about what it would be like had that been my family at that age.

all i know is monique would have snatched my hand real quick and told me ‘DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO SITAND STILL THE FIRST TIME’ and jungle gym time would have been a wrap. but i started to go all super-deep because that’s what my brain does…

yes, parenting plays a part in this but i think about when we all are taught to learn about privilege and how it affects how we move in this world. i graduated from tami roman’s school of ‘this is who the fuck i am’ and i have realized that if i want to make something my own, i will make sure that that’s what happens. i know there are parameters to making that happen in some instances, but are there true guidelines and who decides them?

how do we know what we are owed? when do we actually pay attention to crossing the line into territory where our privilege runs out? why does this young boy get to do whatever the fuck he wants, and i just have to sit there and watch in an annoyed manner, looking at this boy’s mother like ‘if your boy steps on my shit, we gon’ have some heat!’? when does that get established in us?? are we able to reframe our level of privilege and upward movement on our own terms, or is it always going to be created on someone else’s terms and language?

i’m in a space these days of owning my fucking space. i have the privilege to be alive, and i will do what i please how i please in the sake of living my life to the fullest the way it deserves to be. i have the privilege of having an education to ensure that i’m able to further my own intelligence, but also lend to others when necessary. i have a privilege to make decisions in life that i sometimes may feel anxiety around, but know that it’s my choice. 

i know that some people have natural privilege that they will never be able to explain. that’s something that they have the ability to take advantage of. there’s no changing that. but, on the other side, have you ever reflected on the goodness of choice? that’s a privilege that never goes away. if we could go back in time and tell ourselves that this world is ours, and actually show us how much of the world actually is, we would be unstoppable as dreamers. you may have to dig a little deeper for your dream, but you have the privilege to figure out what that is, no matter where you come from.

it’s a privilege to have a dream, and it’s up to us as humans in order to determine when we make those dreams come true and how much of a privilege it is to invest in said endeavor. yes, we experience spaces where sometimes we are overlooked for reasons that are out of our control. but hey, i always believe that those times where things don’t work out, as lessons. they teach us what we want and what we don’t want, who wants us and who may not. and also it teaches us how to move forward in a way that potentially could be the same or differ based on the situation.

i just want to encourage you to use the privilege you have to do what you want today and forevermore, and continue to accomplish whatever the fuck you feel like.

it’s your right.

amen. ase

-gg