merry go round.

i am fighting my darkness. and i feel like i am not winning the way i need to win. it’s hard to fight the darkness when you feel like all you want to do is succumb to it. it feels like everything that has been done up until this point…it’s like an up and down. it’s a merry-go-round of feelings. and i’m tired of riding this ride honestly.

i know that we all have opportunities to get off the ride and walk towards the light. that’s truly all i want to do in this moment in time. but getting off the ride seems like…the ride is moving so fast that i don’t know how to easily put my feet on the ground and get off and be okay with that. i feel like it’s so much easier to continually spin around in circles because at least that’s the truth that i know. i know how to spend time just spinning around without question. i know what i’m getting in terms of being lost and dizzy. does that mean it’s right? no…but i mean, it does make it easier completely rather than getting off and walking down the path that will take me towards greatness.

all i want to do is find the light. all i want to do is find salvation. it takes a level of trust in my Higher Power and Spirit to know that this is all just a temporary rollercoaster that i can get off of…and i have to learn how to have faith in that.

having faith has always been one of the most difficult things to handle. i know that my divine masculine self always wants to see immediate results and the things that bring the most joy in life and the most growth are the things that go unseen. they are all part of the building blocks that allow life to really be what you want it to be…

but man, i can’t sit here and say that i’m not struggling. i can’t sit here and fake it anymore like it’s all put together. as i continually break inside and those that know me know that i’m a strong person, i feel it necessary to fake it and make it seem like it’s going to be okay or it IS okay. and it’s really not.

but i know that in time, it’ll get better…i have no choice but to move forward. to continue to transcend upward.

i’m ready to get off this ride. it’s making me sick. it’s making me dizzy. it’s making me feel like i want to throw up. it is throwing my equilibrium off. i just want to stand up tall, walk straight, and claim the truth i know i deserve. period. and i need to get my head set on straight so i can do just that.

in due time…

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