self sabotage. i push people away when i don’t intend to. i don’t know why my brain has wired itself to want to make people or myself feel as though i can’t get close to someone else or that everyone is going to push me away, but it’s just something i feel like i’ve dealt with for ages.
growing up, i was called a demon because of my sexuality. all of the things that i was praised for were never just being myself – they were wrapped up in my accomplishments. they were always because of me doing well in school. me getting full rides to do a variety of programs. the actual act of having something that was tangible is something that i have always held onto. that masculine sense of self. while i fought against the mentality of knowing that the things that weren’t able to be seen on the surface weren’t as important. at least that’s the narrative that i have internalized after all these years.
fast forward almost thirty years into the future and i feel like a complete wreck at times. i feel like i have been struggling just to hold it together in my brain. i feel like sometimes i sabotage myself in a way that takes me steps back. i know i have made progress in my life in some ways but i don’t feel like i am where i need to be in any way, shape or form. this goes back to that masculine sense of self that i have been fighting to always prove that i possess.
i have always heard from my grandmother she wants me to grow up to be the man that ‘God intended’. well, who is that? i know God very well. i know spirit very well. i know source energy has been blessing me in so many different ways, but i always focus on the negative. when you come from a space of always having situations transpire that aren’t the most…pleasant, you tend to focus on what’s NOT going well. i can honestly admit that i tend to focus on the bad over the good because the bad is what i want to manifest into being good all the time. and when it’s not instantaneous i tend to get very hurtful towards my self worth and harm myself in ways that is hard to explain.
i’ve been dealing with an addiction issue for quite some time. do you know how hard it is in order to be healed from addiction? do you know how much work and money it costs to be healed from that? do you also know how hard it is in order to be able to not go back to typical triggers/actions that take away from you being in the space that you need to be? well bitch i’ll be the first to tell you, it ain’t easy.
i’m working daily to try and get myself back to a better place. to find myself in a happier spirit. to make sure that i’m not always going back to the “old actions” that i tend to fall into. but it’s like, the more apt you are to do something all the time when it’s natural, the easier it is to just fall into that trap.
waking up and realizing that those traps are not where i want to be is the god honest truth. i petition to the ancestors consistently to take it away. i’ve alienated myself so much as of late because i don’t feel worthy of being loved because of my shortcomings. i am reminded daily that i am loved …but i hate that i tend to hurt the people that matter most to me when i’m hurting myself. and i don’t want to do that. it’s just the way i was wired. and i’m working on trying to do surgery on those different lines so that way i can pull myself out of my rut.
i spend my days these days looking for outpatient alcohol abuse programs. i spend my days right now calling people trying to figure out what is the next step. i can’t even begin to explain how many psychiatrists i’ve spoken to. my therapist is on speed dial. the various outpatient rehab programs always take my information and then tell me that it’s going to cost me $800 a day or so JUST to take care of myself. how am i supposed to pay for my apartment? my amenities. i know that i am grateful to have a roof over my head. i just don’t want to lose that. and i’m not even able to work right now because i consistently have panic attacks. i’m having anxiety attacks regularly as to where i just shell up and disappear. and then find myself back falling into the vices that set me down the wrong path in the first place.
i say i want to get better. and that’s not a lie in any way, shape, or form. it takes a lot of work. it takes a lot of time. and it takes a lot of fucking money. which i don’t have right now. but i’m not giving up. i’m the last bitch to give up on themselves.
yes, i may experience some setbacks more often than others. but i don’t want to give up hope on myself. God didn’t allow me to come this far to give up hope. and therefore, i’m going to continue to figure out what needs to be done in order to see the light again.
i miss being happy. i miss being secure. i miss feeling like i had a grasp on things. everything feels like it’s slipping…
slipping away. and i just want to yoke that bitch by the hair and tell her ‘no bitch. not this time. we’re doing this together whether we like it or not’.
change doesn’t happen overnight. change doesn’t happen instantaneously. it takes time. it takes patience. and i have to work on all that.
i didn’t know where else to write this. i didn’t know how to call out for help. but lemme tell you. all i want right now?
i just want that ‘me’ back that could actually wake up, feel good about himself, treat those in his life with kindness and first and foremost…treat himself with such.
the divinity in me sees the divinity in my circumstance. once all this is said and done, i know it’ll be…more than my heart can even imagine.