heavenly presence.

i’m coming home. back to atlanta, riding this damn amtrak train headed back down the eastern coast. i recently just lost my uncle and that has been one of the hardest things to even process. to be completely honest, it still hasn’t completely hit me yet. everyone else has been closer to the fire and the flame forreal, so they’ve been able to feel it and somewhat process. the thing about me is that it takes some time to process everything in my life, so these emotions haven’t hit me completely yet. i had a vision about what i would do when i saw my uncle in that casket tomorrow, and i just…i began to shudder. losing anyone you care about, whether that’s via death or via separation is hard. but not knowing the logistics of how something happened; not being prepared in order to deal with this because it was unexpected; not being able to prepare for what is coming your way. that’s what causes me anxiety and i am SO glad that i have all my medications this weekend in order to make sure that i’m good. otherwise, i know i would be a useless piece of mess. i know that this whole time i’ve been on this train, all i have been thinking about is just making it through these days. it isn’t a long time until tuesday, and i think i’m going to be taking wednesday off because at this point, i really don’t care. i just need some time to recuperate after this weekend.

no one will ever understand what it’s like for me to lose this specific uncle. he’s the only blood uncle that i have. he also didn’t have kids, wasn’t married, nothing like that. so being the eldest nephew of the family, this is hitting me a lot harder than you would imagine, mainly because it feels like a father that has passed away to me in a sense. what i could always appreciate about my uncle is the fact that he always would check on me, give me real life advice, make me laugh, and never ever make me feel judged. i do remember him just always giving me clothes, words of wisdom, and he was someone i just felt like i could always talk to without judgment. he was my dad’s brother and i know that my dad, having lost his mother and father years ago, is really struggling right now because now it’s just him with us and his current wife. so yeah. a whole show.

but i’m going to make it. my family is going to make it. as i travel down this east coast and catch the simplicities of the south, i realize how much i’ve changed and how i’m so used to seeing people moving and things going on. like always. and how moving back to something quiet like this could be relaxing in the future when i feel like a completely fully realized adult. right now though, i’ll take my isolation in my 1BR in NYC where i can walk to the corner store and they know who i am.

so much is going on in my head in regards to the future. i feel the spirit of my uncle trying to push through me. basically he is trying to encourage me to stay lifted. my step-brother, who passed away in 2017, has consistently tried to push me towards entrepreneurship. it’s not that i don’t want to – i just need to figure out my own lane and make it real. i feel like i have so much energy from those who have passed on and sent me their positive blessings and strength. therefore, i feel ready to take on the world. i just have to let my feet and hands get on the same page instead of thinking that that’s not possible. everything is possible as long as you believe and put the effort towards it.

and that’s one thing i can always be grateful for my uncle for. so yeh. i’m just gonna take it from here and ride through this weekend. it’s the only thing i can do.

but this is dedicated to bruce allan mccrear. my uncle. someone who i will always love & appreciate…and am thankful to have him as one of my guardian angels.

50734616_10213824374899683_839676912505716736_n

man i’m so glad i got to see you when you visited NYC. “aye RUDEBWOY you think you can cop a zip for me?” …. now you know i always got you dawg. hah.

good old BAM –

you’ll never realize how much i appreciated having you as an uncle / second dad for me. i feel like because you didn’t have to worry about your own kids, you were able to spoil me and baby boy even more than an uncle could. trust & believe i appreciated that more than you know. the times you would take to call and check in are unmatched. i think about the first time you had me try alcohol. GREY GOOSE. at 15. thanks for that, because that shit sent me down a huge spiral of negativity when college started but since then, i have been cleaning my act up. you will always be the one credited to giving me my first sip of alcohol. and then after i learned how to smoke, you helped me out any time you could. let’s be real – you were the edible king. sometimes i was so sad i lived so far away because i couldn’t drive to get a real good edible or some shit. lmao. but either way, you are someone who i admire and desire to emulate. even though you were a player and had your pick of the litter, what most importantly mattered to me was that no one ever had anything bad to say to you or about you. peaceful, forward-thinking, hard-working…that is you & thank you for that. thank you for teaching me how to take that on, and i will carry a piece of you for the rest of my days. i love you BAM. i miss you. you were taken so abruptly and it blows. but i know you wouldn’t want me to fret and would just want me to continue being a real ass nigga like you always advise me to.

-always,

GoDdaMn.

amen. asé.

-gg

 

 

wave.

i woke up this morning with a migraine. or i should say, in the middle of the night with one. it was so bad that getting up to go pee, which happens probably more than it should for the regular person in the middle of the night, was a struggle. i was stumbling and was pretty much incapable of moving. this isn’t the first time that i’ve had migraines in the middle of the night, but it was the first time in quite some time that it had happened. i was completely incapable of really doing anything, but knew i had responsibilities at work i needed to accomplish. therefore i tried to sleep it off a little longer and just showed up a couple hours later. that was the beginning of my day, and it was one of the biggest struggles to leave the house after already being in it for as long as i was this morning. however, i realized that in just working four hours, i was satisfied. like, i mean, if this was a regular thing – girl bitch. it would be a wrap.

this time in between eclipses is so intense for some reason, and i feel like this morning potentially could have been a huge download that was a lot to take in, and movements going forward are going to change pretty quickly. a theme of this year for me is expansion, and i see it all around me in different ways. if you think about how you want to expand your life and how you want to see things differently, send energy towards that visualization. the more that you allow it to become a reality in your mind, the more you’ll strive to secure that it is. it won’t distract you or scare you in any way – you will actually want to fight to make it real. and that’s where i’m kinda staying at when it comes to my life and the way i want to see it. i know there are changes that i want to make and i have been feeling the urge more and more to make them in slight ways, but i am also taking my time to ensure that the energy is proper. for me, i can’t do something and not be truly invested. i half-ass it, and then bomb it. and i am the type of person that has to and loves to give their all to everything. therefore whatever comes my way, i am ready.

this week in therapy, i was able to think about my core beliefs. these are things that arise when you talk about yourself and what you think about yourself. these are simple thoughts that allow other branches of thought to stem from them, and this exercise was quite an exercise to experience. i was forced to dig to the smallest seed of doubt and then explain why it’s become a tree of death in my life that’s taking up space. now, i’m working on getting rid of the tree, straight from the ground, and making mince meat of it to prove the worth that i possess. i encourage you to do the same.

i don’t know where this was supposed to go, and sometimes i may not have a direct message. but at the same time, an honest man is a good man. i’m working on learning how to continue to be honest, but also make sure i am heard at the same time. it’s a struggle when others hear what they want to but we can dictate how that actually looks. and in time, it will all make sense. i’m ready for the ride this year feels like it’s going to be. aren’t you? it’s electric.

amen. asé.

-gg

when enough is enough [throwback].

this post was written on february 3, 2015. i sometimes like to go back to old posts and show where i was/what i was experiencing and just show how and where i’ve been when it comes to the writing.

“Do you ever wonder where you are supposed to be in life because where you currently are isn’t what you want or where you imagined yourself being? How does that make you feel when you initially have that realization? I know for myself, I’ve been having this struggle with feeling like I’m not doing enough because I ~think~ I know what my desires are, when I truly do not know what God has in store for me. I think this becomes the final situation – not really knowing what God has in store for you and trying to make things happen that He may not foresee in His plan. And that is frustrating because we are going through life basically as a guessing game. Every decision that you make has a consequence, and sometimes the consequences that result from every decision are less than ideal. I can honestly say that my move to New York/New Jersey was a decision I made based off of what I thought I wanted. Now, I moved here because I was so adamant about being closer to my friends from college. That decision proved to be quite a stupid decision when I first arrived because I felt like all of my relationships were falling apart. Do I know why? Somewhat – I think that my drinking habits and just my antics were getting under the skin of my friends because they were always confronted with some situation that was less than ideal for me. This didn’t make me feel good, of course, but it also made me feel like I was losing the people that I was closest to. When you move somewhere expecting to have a certain kind of rapport with people and this does not necessarily happen the way you want it to, it dampens your spirit. It makes you regret all of the decisions you made prior that led you up to that point. When I told you I regret going out with my friends, I regret drinking, I regret even moving out this way…that was the mentality that I had for such a long time. I think this coupled with my decision to go back into teaching made my whole situation less than ideal. I knew that when I moved to New York, I did not want to be a teacher. Why, you ask? I know that teaching has been in my life for quite some time. I’ve taught in different capacities since the age of 19. I just wanted a change. Even though I feel like this job is something I have a knack for, I just know that deep down this isn’t going to be where I see myself forever. The question then becomes….well, how long? When is enough enough? You know that truly, you do not want to be where you are and you’re in this place that consistently makes you regret a decision that you made some time ago every day. But when is it time to throw in the towel? That becomes the biggest frustration and the biggest decision to make: when to quit what you aren’t really feeling.

Everything cannot be cut off as soon as you want it to be cut off, and I’m starting to realize that. Whether it’s a relationship that you have been holding onto, a habit that you know is less than ideal, or a place that you don’t see yourself at…it’s not that easy just to let it go. Believe me, I have had moments where I have cut things off quickly and regretted it and I have also been in a position to where I have held on for a long time and regretted it as well. This is the place that I’m at right now – learning when enough is enough. I think that one of the biggest factors into my displeasure with work is the travel. Commuting about 2 hours each way to get to a job that I don’t like is the pits. To me, it feels like I am putting in so much effort for something that I don’t even want to really engage in. This isn’t just me traveling 30 minutes to get to work – this is me making the conscious decision to wake up at 4:30 AM every day to get my life prepared to commute to work and get there by 6:45 AM every morning. To deal with over 400 little girls who of course don’t want to be there all the time, some come in with the worst attitudes, not paying attention, peeing all over themselves…the works. I can honestly say that 5 times out of 10, I am okay with dealing with all of these kids and their quirks. The other times, my attitude is not pleasant enough to deal with all of their dramatics and have to be the adult and reprimand them for the decisions that they are making that are less than ideal. Shit, if I was their age, I would want to be sleeping or eating or playing a video game or laying up under my mother as well, not reading and doing math and learning about science and standing in perfect HALLS and sitting like a prissy little “respectful” girl (because let’s be real, this is a white construct of what is acceptable in the work world and a number of these girls will be successful but don’t have to follow the status quo but that’s another story for another day). I’m like the WORST one to stay on top of their asses for things that I truly don’t give a hot damn about and this is where the frustration comes to fruition – making myself the authority when I am honestly just a big kid at heart and I think that trying to make yourself fun yet strong yet understanding is the way that things should go. And every time that I feel like I’m doing that, it’s not acceptable by the “status quo” or the standard for the system I work for. And who wants to feel like them being their true selves is unacceptable at your job? I also feel like this is part of the issue when it comes to dealing with coworkers. Dealing with my coworkers sometimes feels like I’m back in high school. The cliques, the shit talking between one person to another, and the gossip…it’s just like, is this really what I want in life? Is there something I’m missing as to why I don’t feel the need to act this way and others do?

Maybe this is just the struggle I am facing being a transplant from being a student to being a professional. I miss just being able to do what the fuck I wanted, when I wanted, not having anyone clock my tea or my every move, and showing up for class and barely having to do shit. It’s been a long time since I have been having to hold myself ~truly~ accountable to certain things and I know that when I was in school I was slacking hella fucking hard. Smoking weed all the time with my main bitch, drinking hella much with my main bitch, doing other drugs and getting into lots of trouble with the police…….but I always showed up to class and I always showed up to teach my students. So who fucking cared? It feels like now, I’ve had to put the brakes on my ~real ass life~ and starting living this ~fake adulthood~ lifestyle that I’m not really adapting to as well as I thought that I would. So why am I? Because I feel like I have no choice. And that’s what brings me to the overall point of this job. Sometimes, you have to do things because you have to. That’s simply it. There’s no cutting corners. There’s no trying to avoid the shit. Sometimes, you just have to pull up your big girl pants, suck it the fuck up, and push through as best as possible. This doesn’t mean that you have to lose yourself in the process – you have to just figure out what is going to work the best for you at the end of the day. Everything does not have to be perfect because you aren’t. But at the same token, you can only do the best that you can everyday. If you waking up and making your presence known is the best that you can do….well, fucking go you. If you feel like running a half marathon, sucking some dick, and finding the cure for cancer all in 24 hours….well girl, you fucking go do that shit. You should never feel guilty for being authentic and functioning in your reality. But when you feel like you’re going to go over the deep end…well, that’s when it’s time to make a decision. I know that I have not been 100% burnt out by where I am right now…but I know that in time, I will be over it. Is that in another 5 months? Is that in another year? Is that in another 4 years? I honestly don’t know. But here’s my other gem: ask God to give you the clarity that you’re searching for. No matter what you think, the Lord is always listening. He’s always watching. He’s always observant…as hell at that. Therefore, you may just have to ask Him when it’s time for you to make that next step. He knows when enough is enough. As long as you wait, He will give you the sign on when it’s that time to make a move to do something else. Until then, just continue to be the best you that you can. Live your life. Get your life. Make mistakes. Make changes. Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan. Seriously, do your best whenever you feel like you can. And the reward from surviving a hellacious day is so much better for the spirit than surviving from a day where you feel like you half-assed it and knew you could do better. Hold that.”

 

what a place i was in.

all i need.

when you follow the spirit, it leads you to know when it’s time to do stuff. hence me sitting here and doing this. we are almost halfway through our first month of the new year, and the energy in the air for me has been a mixture of electric, yet reflective. something about what is going on these days feels so much more promising than it’s ever felt before. the collective is being molded by the positive thought lines that are running through the circuit. and others are falling even further away from grace, which is fine…because there’s always a way for them to pull themselves back towards their lane. and it’s just a part of their journey.

things these days feel as though they’re so much more accessible and the actions that need to be taken are clear. it’s more about listening to your intuition even more and also putting yourself in situations that help you become closer to your goals. currently, i’m feeling like things are not going to be revealed to you instantly…but if you sit back and take some time to just let the best possible outcome pass, you will benefit from it. continue to send positive energy towards your goals, and you will gain so much in the long run. just stay focused on every little bit of a jump you are going to do and take in order to get to where you want to be.

things seem to feel like they’re settling in. you’re figuring out what’s next in the grand scheme of what makes sense for your life, and themes are appearing that give you clarity as to where you should be throwing your energy. even if there has been catastrophe or difficulty that has entered your space, you’re more equipped these days to endure what’s in front of you. you’re not scared to battle it, but you may want to take a backseat to it. it does take up a lot of energy. but the benefit of this will give you so much clarity in the grand scheme of things that you don’t even realize. just keep your nose open and your heart in tune with what’s going on and where you are. feel your way through it, and it’s going to be okay.

off the random, i think i say this because it’s so relevant as to the current theme of expanding and shedding what doesn’t need to exist anymore. i’m supposed to do homework for therapy and i have it tomorrow and wednesday, and i haven’t done it at all yet. i’ve been laying around and just enjoying having a chill saturday/day after work friday and this theme of procrastinating or just putting things off isn’t going to work. yes, you have to follow the energy when it is there, but keep it real with yourself. there may have been times that it came and you ignored it (unless you’re a capricorn; ya’ll never stop ._.) but you can change that narrative when you want to. i know i didn’t follow through on all the things i said i could do but i’m expanding and need to take it bit by bit. it’ll make sense and come together sooner than i believe. it will for you too if you trust that it will; just make the changes that you need to when it’s time. and take steps mentally every day to change how you define everything in your life – that which doesn’t serve you has to get deleted from your hard drive.

we have so much to look forward to and be grateful for right now. don’t forget to appreciate that which you have, but be grateful for whatever manifestations become reality for you in the coming days and weeks. stay loving, even in your lows.

amen. asé.

-gg

( da signs )

there are signs all around us if we allow ourselves to be open to them. but we also shouldn’t beat ourselves up if we don’t catch the signs in time – that means there’s a lesson to be learned and we have to open ourselves up to what it’s here to teach us.

i don’t know where the above feeling came from, but i know it’s something that need to be said. it’s the new year and i have been thinking about all of the things that i want to change. this doesn’t go to say i wasn’t thinking about them last year, but i feel somewhat more of an ‘oomph’ to get shit done. i’m not sure if i’m the only one feeling that energy, but i definitely feel somewhat more ‘desperate’ in a sense to accomplish what i have to do in order to acquire my personal joy. this is hard to do, however, because old mindsets and habits have to be broken in order to move forward. chains that have held you back need to be erased. …and figuring out how to do this is a process.

i’m a go-getting type of bitch. when there is something that i want and i have a pretty hefty desire to get it, i’m going to try my best to do something to ensure that it’s gotten. i’ve been doing better and need to give myself credit for that, but i also need to remember that everything is a process. lemme tell you – since this new year has started and your gorl has been working, she’s been coming home, chillin’ for a couple hours or so, and then falls asleep at someone’s grandmother’s bedtime. this means that i need to add something to the docket to do, and i always have options or ideas at my discretion. i just haven’t had the energy to take stock in making a difference or a change at these very moments because my day wipes me of everything.

i have to forgive myself and not wake up angry that i fell asleep early. but i have to learn how to offset that with the time that i am awake and do what i can. i HAVE been writing in my real journal a lot more lately, even at work, so that’s a plus. and i’ve been reading more too. that’s another thing i have to look at.

what i’m here doing is trying to be practical about my situation, and i implore you to do the same when it comes to making a change. every little inch counts, and this is something that i’m sure you have heard before…but it’s the freakin’ truth. and everyday won’t be perfect. but every day is an opportunity to inch closer to the reality that you have been wishing to have. that’s just as long as you put in action towards it little by little. your day in the sun will come.

this morning, my oracle card spoke of victory and success coming my way, and i extend that to anyone that takes time to read this. my tarot pull told me that i was susceptible to a lack of practicality or energy vanishing, which is true. i just have to keep this in mind and remember that i always have to listen to my body and what it’s saying when it needs a break. i tell this to you all as well – listen to what your body says. it always knows the answer because it’s a celestial being, and it was created to help you navigate your soul’s mission. your soul and your spirit know when it’s time to sit down, so don’t second guess that.

what’s funny is i was supposed to do this last night, but this morning doing it feels more like a joy and an outlet more than just ‘doing it for fuck’s sake’. and that’s what life is supposed to feel like on a regular basis to some extent. living it is and should be a joy; don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you. you have the power and authority to regulate that.

amen. asé.

-gg