this post was written on february 3, 2015. i sometimes like to go back to old posts and show where i was/what i was experiencing and just show how and where i’ve been when it comes to the writing.
“Do you ever wonder where you are supposed to be in life because where you currently are isn’t what you want or where you imagined yourself being? How does that make you feel when you initially have that realization? I know for myself, I’ve been having this struggle with feeling like I’m not doing enough because I ~think~ I know what my desires are, when I truly do not know what God has in store for me. I think this becomes the final situation – not really knowing what God has in store for you and trying to make things happen that He may not foresee in His plan. And that is frustrating because we are going through life basically as a guessing game. Every decision that you make has a consequence, and sometimes the consequences that result from every decision are less than ideal. I can honestly say that my move to New York/New Jersey was a decision I made based off of what I thought I wanted. Now, I moved here because I was so adamant about being closer to my friends from college. That decision proved to be quite a stupid decision when I first arrived because I felt like all of my relationships were falling apart. Do I know why? Somewhat – I think that my drinking habits and just my antics were getting under the skin of my friends because they were always confronted with some situation that was less than ideal for me. This didn’t make me feel good, of course, but it also made me feel like I was losing the people that I was closest to. When you move somewhere expecting to have a certain kind of rapport with people and this does not necessarily happen the way you want it to, it dampens your spirit. It makes you regret all of the decisions you made prior that led you up to that point. When I told you I regret going out with my friends, I regret drinking, I regret even moving out this way…that was the mentality that I had for such a long time. I think this coupled with my decision to go back into teaching made my whole situation less than ideal. I knew that when I moved to New York, I did not want to be a teacher. Why, you ask? I know that teaching has been in my life for quite some time. I’ve taught in different capacities since the age of 19. I just wanted a change. Even though I feel like this job is something I have a knack for, I just know that deep down this isn’t going to be where I see myself forever. The question then becomes….well, how long? When is enough enough? You know that truly, you do not want to be where you are and you’re in this place that consistently makes you regret a decision that you made some time ago every day. But when is it time to throw in the towel? That becomes the biggest frustration and the biggest decision to make: when to quit what you aren’t really feeling.
Everything cannot be cut off as soon as you want it to be cut off, and I’m starting to realize that. Whether it’s a relationship that you have been holding onto, a habit that you know is less than ideal, or a place that you don’t see yourself at…it’s not that easy just to let it go. Believe me, I have had moments where I have cut things off quickly and regretted it and I have also been in a position to where I have held on for a long time and regretted it as well. This is the place that I’m at right now – learning when enough is enough. I think that one of the biggest factors into my displeasure with work is the travel. Commuting about 2 hours each way to get to a job that I don’t like is the pits. To me, it feels like I am putting in so much effort for something that I don’t even want to really engage in. This isn’t just me traveling 30 minutes to get to work – this is me making the conscious decision to wake up at 4:30 AM every day to get my life prepared to commute to work and get there by 6:45 AM every morning. To deal with over 400 little girls who of course don’t want to be there all the time, some come in with the worst attitudes, not paying attention, peeing all over themselves…the works. I can honestly say that 5 times out of 10, I am okay with dealing with all of these kids and their quirks. The other times, my attitude is not pleasant enough to deal with all of their dramatics and have to be the adult and reprimand them for the decisions that they are making that are less than ideal. Shit, if I was their age, I would want to be sleeping or eating or playing a video game or laying up under my mother as well, not reading and doing math and learning about science and standing in perfect HALLS and sitting like a prissy little “respectful” girl (because let’s be real, this is a white construct of what is acceptable in the work world and a number of these girls will be successful but don’t have to follow the status quo but that’s another story for another day). I’m like the WORST one to stay on top of their asses for things that I truly don’t give a hot damn about and this is where the frustration comes to fruition – making myself the authority when I am honestly just a big kid at heart and I think that trying to make yourself fun yet strong yet understanding is the way that things should go. And every time that I feel like I’m doing that, it’s not acceptable by the “status quo” or the standard for the system I work for. And who wants to feel like them being their true selves is unacceptable at your job? I also feel like this is part of the issue when it comes to dealing with coworkers. Dealing with my coworkers sometimes feels like I’m back in high school. The cliques, the shit talking between one person to another, and the gossip…it’s just like, is this really what I want in life? Is there something I’m missing as to why I don’t feel the need to act this way and others do?
Maybe this is just the struggle I am facing being a transplant from being a student to being a professional. I miss just being able to do what the fuck I wanted, when I wanted, not having anyone clock my tea or my every move, and showing up for class and barely having to do shit. It’s been a long time since I have been having to hold myself ~truly~ accountable to certain things and I know that when I was in school I was slacking hella fucking hard. Smoking weed all the time with my main bitch, drinking hella much with my main bitch, doing other drugs and getting into lots of trouble with the police…….but I always showed up to class and I always showed up to teach my students. So who fucking cared? It feels like now, I’ve had to put the brakes on my ~real ass life~ and starting living this ~fake adulthood~ lifestyle that I’m not really adapting to as well as I thought that I would. So why am I? Because I feel like I have no choice. And that’s what brings me to the overall point of this job. Sometimes, you have to do things because you have to. That’s simply it. There’s no cutting corners. There’s no trying to avoid the shit. Sometimes, you just have to pull up your big girl pants, suck it the fuck up, and push through as best as possible. This doesn’t mean that you have to lose yourself in the process – you have to just figure out what is going to work the best for you at the end of the day. Everything does not have to be perfect because you aren’t. But at the same token, you can only do the best that you can everyday. If you waking up and making your presence known is the best that you can do….well, fucking go you. If you feel like running a half marathon, sucking some dick, and finding the cure for cancer all in 24 hours….well girl, you fucking go do that shit. You should never feel guilty for being authentic and functioning in your reality. But when you feel like you’re going to go over the deep end…well, that’s when it’s time to make a decision. I know that I have not been 100% burnt out by where I am right now…but I know that in time, I will be over it. Is that in another 5 months? Is that in another year? Is that in another 4 years? I honestly don’t know. But here’s my other gem: ask God to give you the clarity that you’re searching for. No matter what you think, the Lord is always listening. He’s always watching. He’s always observant…as hell at that. Therefore, you may just have to ask Him when it’s time for you to make that next step. He knows when enough is enough. As long as you wait, He will give you the sign on when it’s that time to make a move to do something else. Until then, just continue to be the best you that you can. Live your life. Get your life. Make mistakes. Make changes. Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan. Seriously, do your best whenever you feel like you can. And the reward from surviving a hellacious day is so much better for the spirit than surviving from a day where you feel like you half-assed it and knew you could do better. Hold that.”
what a place i was in.