i’m coming home. back to atlanta, riding this damn amtrak train headed back down the eastern coast. i recently just lost my uncle and that has been one of the hardest things to even process. to be completely honest, it still hasn’t completely hit me yet. everyone else has been closer to the fire and the flame forreal, so they’ve been able to feel it and somewhat process. the thing about me is that it takes some time to process everything in my life, so these emotions haven’t hit me completely yet. i had a vision about what i would do when i saw my uncle in that casket tomorrow, and i just…i began to shudder. losing anyone you care about, whether that’s via death or via separation is hard. but not knowing the logistics of how something happened; not being prepared in order to deal with this because it was unexpected; not being able to prepare for what is coming your way. that’s what causes me anxiety and i am SO glad that i have all my medications this weekend in order to make sure that i’m good. otherwise, i know i would be a useless piece of mess. i know that this whole time i’ve been on this train, all i have been thinking about is just making it through these days. it isn’t a long time until tuesday, and i think i’m going to be taking wednesday off because at this point, i really don’t care. i just need some time to recuperate after this weekend.
no one will ever understand what it’s like for me to lose this specific uncle. he’s the only blood uncle that i have. he also didn’t have kids, wasn’t married, nothing like that. so being the eldest nephew of the family, this is hitting me a lot harder than you would imagine, mainly because it feels like a father that has passed away to me in a sense. what i could always appreciate about my uncle is the fact that he always would check on me, give me real life advice, make me laugh, and never ever make me feel judged. i do remember him just always giving me clothes, words of wisdom, and he was someone i just felt like i could always talk to without judgment. he was my dad’s brother and i know that my dad, having lost his mother and father years ago, is really struggling right now because now it’s just him with us and his current wife. so yeah. a whole show.
but i’m going to make it. my family is going to make it. as i travel down this east coast and catch the simplicities of the south, i realize how much i’ve changed and how i’m so used to seeing people moving and things going on. like always. and how moving back to something quiet like this could be relaxing in the future when i feel like a completely fully realized adult. right now though, i’ll take my isolation in my 1BR in NYC where i can walk to the corner store and they know who i am.
so much is going on in my head in regards to the future. i feel the spirit of my uncle trying to push through me. basically he is trying to encourage me to stay lifted. my step-brother, who passed away in 2017, has consistently tried to push me towards entrepreneurship. it’s not that i don’t want to – i just need to figure out my own lane and make it real. i feel like i have so much energy from those who have passed on and sent me their positive blessings and strength. therefore, i feel ready to take on the world. i just have to let my feet and hands get on the same page instead of thinking that that’s not possible. everything is possible as long as you believe and put the effort towards it.
and that’s one thing i can always be grateful for my uncle for. so yeh. i’m just gonna take it from here and ride through this weekend. it’s the only thing i can do.
but this is dedicated to bruce allan mccrear. my uncle. someone who i will always love & appreciate…and am thankful to have him as one of my guardian angels.
man i’m so glad i got to see you when you visited NYC. “aye RUDEBWOY you think you can cop a zip for me?” …. now you know i always got you dawg. hah.
good old BAM –
you’ll never realize how much i appreciated having you as an uncle / second dad for me. i feel like because you didn’t have to worry about your own kids, you were able to spoil me and baby boy even more than an uncle could. trust & believe i appreciated that more than you know. the times you would take to call and check in are unmatched. i think about the first time you had me try alcohol. GREY GOOSE. at 15. thanks for that, because that shit sent me down a huge spiral of negativity when college started but since then, i have been cleaning my act up. you will always be the one credited to giving me my first sip of alcohol. and then after i learned how to smoke, you helped me out any time you could. let’s be real – you were the edible king. sometimes i was so sad i lived so far away because i couldn’t drive to get a real good edible or some shit. lmao. but either way, you are someone who i admire and desire to emulate. even though you were a player and had your pick of the litter, what most importantly mattered to me was that no one ever had anything bad to say to you or about you. peaceful, forward-thinking, hard-working…that is you & thank you for that. thank you for teaching me how to take that on, and i will carry a piece of you for the rest of my days. i love you BAM. i miss you. you were taken so abruptly and it blows. but i know you wouldn’t want me to fret and would just want me to continue being a real ass nigga like you always advise me to.