child, life comes at you fast and by the time you turn around, you have no idea what’s going on. i don’t know what was going on with me, my lack of self-control/basic utter excitement to be social or whatever, but let’s just say i had a little mishap where i lost my phone + bookbag with some books, my journal, and my glasses (i swear i have lost the same pair of glasses and gotten them replaced at least 3 times now omg i keep losing them), had a $215 Uber charge and why? alcohol. booze. shots. BULLSHIT. so basically for right now, this is going to be my journal along with the notes section on my iPhone when i finally get it replaced (ALERT: IF YOU HAVE AN IPHONE AND HAVE APPLECARE AND LOSE IT BUT DON’T HAVE FIND MY IPHONE TURNED ON, YOU WILL NOT GET YOUR CLAIM. I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY).
you know, i realized how much i can buckle under peer pressure at times dependent upon the mood i’m in. this weekend, i was able to really understand that (after the hours of self-loathing because of having a moment of relapse) i tend to fall into temptation a little bit easier than i would like when it’s right in front of me. it is something to pay attention to, and to remember the tools that i have in my back pocket in order to maintain focus. i have been really caught up in the idea of that there is something on the horizon for me, and i have these great moments and highs…..then i hit a really big bottom but i tend to find my way back up eventually. what i’m also noticing is the recovery time is faster + i’m noticing what makes me want to recover.
i’m having this time in my life where things are shifting out of my realm of desire and i’m starting to have beliefs in other things and the idea and power that i can fulfill them. for a very long time, i feel like i had been the person that was a bit scared of their own shadow. i would talk myself out of things because of fear or just sometimes sheer laziness. what i’m realizing is that effort is what is key, and setbacks are just part of the journey. it makes the comeback that much more sweet, and i know that for sure.
even in the bad, i have been chanting “OM” and thanking God, Spirit, my Ancestors, the Universe…everyone that I know is watching over me and those that are praying for me (I’m definitely always praying for others too, no matter what) are helping me stay afloat. every day don’t come easy but the bounce back is what make the club rock.
i still wanna hit on temptation. i pulled it today and i found it ironic the cards just read my life. i would show you all the card but it is ugly because my current phone i have until i get my replacement phone takes the worst quality photos (but i am grateful i was able to work out having a temporary phone for the time being). basically, i was asked to look at what i am putting energy into to take me out of doing things consistently. the notes bring up alcohol consumption (which i relapsed with + won’t be doing again soon; a work in progress), tobacco, and other addictions. it made me think about the material pleasures, and why i had to lovingly release those things that i lost even though it made me frustrated. i could have made better decisions. saved my money. but you have to serve consequences for things you know are not of you.
what i am learning more or less these days is to be the most authentic version of you at all times and try to channel whatever you’re feeling the best way possible without causing yourself to numb the pain. it gets you nowhere except for deeper into guilt. i’m working on connecting back to Source and doing a LOT of work to do such. i want to connect deeper to myself. my purpose. and know that setbacks are part of what are going to push me forward. mistakes will be made. but gains will also be made as well. i encourage you to not be so hard on yourself when it comes to life. you were given life for a reason and you need to appreciate every moment you have to make it better. sometimes, it just takes finding your center and making sure that you stick to knowing what’s best at your core. you may fail, but pick yourself back up and try again.
i should be sleeping. i have to get up for work in the morning. today is my official first day back after break and i am NOT looking forward to it completely (the space makes me physically ill, my feeeeeeeelings bro) but i’m going to make the best of it and i claim in advance that tomorrow will be great, life will be great, and all things will fall into place the way the Universe wants. roads are opening and peace is on the horizon.