i’ve been wrestling with how to begin this. i wanted to say “certain things take precedence when you’re in a tough spot” or “i am racing against the clock because i should be leaving to go to work and make it on time but yet here i am”. so yeah, you just got all of my openings and where my brain chatter is. even me starting something written is scattered, just like my emotions. my brain. my heart. my spirit just feels frazzled.
have you ever felt emotionally paralyzed? i think that’s a perfect way to explain where my spirit is currently. you want to do things, but not really. you know that you could make ‘better decisions’ but you really don’t care. you don’t want to surround yourself with others because you don’t want to have to exert any additional energy or pressure. that’s where i am. last night, i spoke to my best friend about how right now, i would much rather prefer to be a ghost than anything else. why? i just don’t have the range to deal with anyone or anything. i’m in a perpetual state of nausea. i never knew how much grief could affect you. this morning, i opened a package from my dad and he sent a copy of my uncle’s program from the funeral (i never got one that day) and it just sent me into a spiral of sadness. i can’t call my unc and just say wassup, or let him know what’s going on. it’s also hard because i am experiencing a lot of confusion and pain, but have a hard time speaking to people about it (and don’t really want to right now).
i am aware that the only way one can get better is by talking through it, but i need to do this on my own time. and i haven’t gotten there yet, as much as i would like to. otherwise, i’m stuck in this perpetual state of disappointment and lethargy because of the situations i find myself in. i am continually reminding myself to be grateful for what i have and it isn’t that i’m NOT grateful…i just know that i have outgrown my current situation and i am in need of something that gives me excitement and brings me back to life. just like evanescence.
everything just feels like it is a pin, poking the tiger inside me and upsetting him. the big, angry, uncouth animal that lives deep down in my soul and is sick and tired of his current reality, caught in his cage, pacing back and forth and laying down in defeat when he can’t even muster up the energy to traverse the cage. this is how i feel right now, and i just want the pain and the fog to stop and go away. it’s like i’m calling on the fog to dissipate and it just refuses to go anywhere, and i’m tired of that. those of you that can interact with people even when you’re not feeling your best, i salute you – right now, all i want to do is hide in a hole and go away. i know that the dreary weather outside matches my tattered soul, and it doesn’t help motivate me to go anywhere or do anything. …but adulthood causes for you to do things you don’t want to do quite often.
i should really get to work. but all i wanna do is cry. and nurse my stomach. my spirit. my soul. my mind. back to health.
asking and praying for better days.