late in the midnight hour, i come to you humbly spouting whatever comes to the forefront. do you know how difficult it is at times to put yourself first? i know some people grew up being able to do that, because that’s just what they were taught. some people are wired to just be selfish (which can err on the side of being rude, but ost times it’s self-preservation and we all gotta look out for self first). i know for me though, that has been one of the most difficult things to do – remember who comes first. me.
i’ve spent a good portion of my life always considering the feelings of others, mainly because i try and keep in mind how i want to be treated. my actions always reflect what type of energy i’m trying to put out there and what i want to receive back. i’m noticing now, more than ever, how it is important to make sure that you are nurturing an environment and a reality that is fitting of what you truly want…not what you think is going to make another person happy with you. that’s where bitches get caught up, and i’m just not satisfied.
i’m on the onset right now of what we get during the school year called ‘winter break’, which is a week of me being able to be home. what’s crazy is i don’t know how vacation time works in other arenas/careers because i’ve never done anything except education. i’m prayerful that in the near future, i can start to see that transition into a different realm…but i know that is going to take a good bit of me figuring that out and putting in constant effort towards whatever that looks like. but you know how it is when you have so many things floating inside your brain in regards to where you think you want to be? or the things that you think you may be interested in? honestly, i feel like i’m 7 years old right now and my parents are asking me about the extracurricular activity i’m going to participate in so it makes me a well-rounded student or some shit. but on the real, i know that it is time to transition into something overall. my body has developed. my mind. my spirit. my desires. they can’t be bound by worlds that i’ve outgrown. and i refuse to hold myself back anymore and allow my light to be dim for the benefit of others or the benefit of complacency. the gift of complacency develops the presence of stagnancy. i refuse to just be stuck because my body cannot thrive in the space that it is in. have you ever felt like a plant that was just too big for the pot that you were put in? i feel like in the four years that i have been in NYC…well, four and a half at this point, i’ve done so much growing that the things i used to think were important are so far off my radar, it isn’t funny.
now, the most important thing is getting back to myself and being happy with the soul that inhabits this body. i’m working towards allowing my inside and my external to mesh into one being that truly feels comfortable with the space they are taking up in this galaxy. i’ve been diminishing that for way too long, and i’m starting to revv up towards another path. i just ask that whatever Spirit has in store for me and the Universe is conspiring to lead me towards…that it takes care of me and helps me to grow the best way possible to get towards my true path in life.
i do hope, know, feel, that this week…i’m going to start getting closer to what that shit looks like for me in regards to new endeavors. just the mind shift is what needs to be the first step…and then we will see from there.
i encourage you to start making the transition in your mind to higher heights. they await you.