excavation.

the art of letting go…why is it so much more difficult than what we give it credit for? fear is sometimes so paralyzing that it hinders us from actually getting and acquiring what we deserve. it stops us from moving forward down the path that we know is correct. i know for me, if fear wasn’t a factor?…i would not be in the same space at this very moment in time if i could just tell fear to move out the way.

the thing is…we have to learn to dance with our fears in order to allow them to pass us off towards our dreams. we have to confront those things that scare us the most because most of the time, they mainly are the things we need in order to be more in sync with what is important for us to grow and actually acquire what is written for us. even if we go ahead, face fears and confront them and don’t get the result we were hoping for, that’s still okay…because there’s a lesson within that. i have heard this SO MANY TIMES but to actually live it, breathe it, and follow through with it? sis. you’re trying the doll.

i’ve touched on fear in previous posts before, but this time i want to acknowledge the importance of my own personal fears and what i am working on to get over. and the mental effort it takes. it’s a practice. a continual practice. it’s a level of vulnerability you have to possess in order to loose yourself from what worries you. the reason being every single piece of the wall has to come down brick by brick.

my therapists are getting good money because the quote one gave me has been sticking with me. i realize a lot of times that i am so impatient and quick to want change to transpire. but don’t we all? it’s the consistent effort towards lowering the wall that allows you to get closer to what is needed for your success. this comes in relationships, jobs, dreams, you name it. every time you acknowledge what boundary you have created in your mind exists, it is your job to remove that brick. a lot of the work i’ve been doing is around those core beliefs that we have, and the branches from the tree of said core belief that jack us up. i’m working on (and encouraging you) to look at what the trunk of the tree is saying and rooted in, and why the branches exist. try and cut down each of those branches bit by bit, day by day in order to get closer to the root of the issue and remove the tree from the soil that is your negative mindset.

when i did this exercise, one of the core beliefs i had derived from this:

“I desire to be perfect.”

perfection in my eyes has always been defined as life is together, job is together, mental health is together, financially thriving, moving up the work ladder, and friendships and social life is intact, without anyone batting an eye at what you are doing and you are assumed to be having a good time (and actually are having a good time with life), with no complaints. People can see you and you’re always giving your best and beyond, and you can be relied on in a pinch for anyone at any time. I wanted to have that be my life because I never want people to question my worth. I never wanted people to question if I could handle something because I’m always the one people could come to for anything. And that would be what made me think I was “doing the right thing”.

I had to realize how unrealistic that was, and how toxic of a belief that was. I can’t be there for everyone always. I have to be there for myself. every day I have struggles sometimes just to get out of bed. I constantly wake up sometimes with nausea because my anxiety is so bad. The medication doesn’t even help me anymore. Meditating doesn’t work all the time as much as I may try it because I can’t quiet my thoughts or sit still long enough to focus on what’s going on in my spirit. My mind is racing constantly about all of the things I need to do, how I feel, the little bits and pieces of life that are affecting my mind…etc. And…I have to realize how okay that is. I am learning to lovingly acknowledge that, treat myself with care, and put myself first in a way that I never really did growing up. That idea of perfection is so subjective, and as long as I am perfect for myself, I’m good. And not even perfect…as long as I’m good, I’m good. I’m not there yet, but I’m slowly but surely getting there, and any effort I can put forward is better than before.

I always believed by now, certain things would be in place, but the journey of life leads you down different paths so that way you can appreciate the growth it took to get to what you wanted. I mean, if you didn’t work for it, you don’t appreciate it as much. I have a lot of work to do still on self, beliefs, and also just finding myself and the truth as to what I am here to do. yes, i’m smart. yes, i’m able to be on tv if i want to be. yes, i can be a best-selling author. yes, i can be a trained healer. I also need to remember to not be lazy and with the same fervor I had when I was an academic seek out the opportunities that are going to be pleasing towards my soul and allow me the space to expand the way I need. my life is about expansion currently, and I want to continue on with that. My well-being is most important, and I also want to make that a priority.

as Michelle from Auric, someone I had the honor of getting a bit of coaching by said on her Twitter (you should totally get services done by her!!!!):

Screen Shot 2019-02-20 at 2.58.01 PM

I will be successful and happy by being who I am, not giving a shit what others have to say about my performance, my being, my status, and what I bring to the table. I remember that I am a magical being that is here for a reason and will continue to not strive for perfection but strive for goodness. Fear is not here to hold me back but push me forward.

you should do the same.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

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