lo kiero

late in the midnight hour, i come to you humbly spouting whatever comes to the forefront. do you know how difficult it is at times to put yourself first? i know some people grew up being able to do that, because that’s just what they were taught. some people are wired to just be selfish (which can err on the side of being rude, but ost times it’s self-preservation and we all gotta look out for self first). i know for me though, that has been one of the most difficult things to do – remember who comes first. me.

i’ve spent a good portion of my life always considering the feelings of others, mainly because i try and keep in mind how i want to be treated. my actions always reflect what type of energy i’m trying to put out there and what i want to receive back. i’m noticing now, more than ever, how it is important to make sure that you are nurturing an environment and a reality that is fitting of what you truly want…not what you think is going to make another person happy with you. that’s where bitches get caught up, and i’m just not satisfied.

i’m on the onset right now of what we get during the school year called ‘winter break’, which is a week of me being able to be home. what’s crazy is i don’t know how vacation time works in other arenas/careers because i’ve never done anything except education. i’m prayerful that in the near future, i can start to see that transition into a different realm…but i know that is going to take a good bit of me figuring that out and putting in constant effort towards whatever that looks like. but you know how it is when you have so many things floating inside your brain in regards to where you think you want to be? or the things that you think you may be interested in? honestly, i feel like i’m 7 years old right now and my parents are asking me about the extracurricular activity i’m going to participate in so it makes me a well-rounded student or some shit. but on the real, i know that it is time to transition into something overall. my body has developed. my mind. my spirit. my desires. they can’t be bound by worlds that i’ve outgrown. and i refuse to hold myself back anymore and allow my light to be dim for the benefit of others or the benefit of complacency. the gift of complacency develops the presence of stagnancy. i refuse to just be stuck because my body cannot thrive in the space that it is in. have you ever felt like a plant that was just too big for the pot that you were put in? i feel like in the four years that i have been in NYC…well, four and a half at this point, i’ve done so much growing that the things i used to think were important are so far off my radar, it isn’t funny.

now, the most important thing is getting back to myself and being happy with the soul that inhabits this body. i’m working towards allowing my inside and my external to mesh into one being that truly feels comfortable with the space they are taking up in this galaxy. i’ve been diminishing that for way too long, and i’m starting to revv up towards another path. i just ask that whatever Spirit has in store for me and the Universe is conspiring to lead me towards…that it takes care of me and helps me to grow the best way possible to get towards my true path in life.

i do hope, know, feel, that this week…i’m going to start getting closer to what that shit looks like for me in regards to new endeavors. just the mind shift is what needs to be the first step…and then we will see from there.

i encourage you to start making the transition in your mind to higher heights. they await you.

amen; asé.

-gg

russian doll.

silence surrounds me. i’m trying to find myself again. suspended in space. lost. black. darkness. the stars are still visible trying to direct me where to go, but i can’t read them. i feel like i don’t understand the language and i didn’t properly prepare for this at the moment. i’m just moving with the motions and it’s not making sense. my body feels depression to its extreme levels, and medication isn’t helping me at all anymore. i just feel like i am having an out of body experience and i’m screaming to transition into another space. and that means a variety of things. it sounds easier to tackle than it is, however. some people can just pull it together, whereas i’m a broken down doll, rendered useless in regards to what is going to be happening. and i can’t explain it to anyone / it’s hard to explain / it doesn’t make sense all the time and i feel odd sharing it and feel like my brain is starting to shut down.

i’m trying to find my way back to myself.

WWE.

i’ve been wrestling with how to begin this. i wanted to say “certain things take precedence when you’re in a tough spot” or “i am racing against the clock because i should be leaving to go to work and make it on time but yet here i am”. so yeah, you just got all of my openings and where my brain chatter is. even me starting something written is scattered, just like my emotions. my brain. my heart. my spirit just feels frazzled.

have you ever felt emotionally paralyzed? i think that’s a perfect way to explain where my spirit is currently. you want to do things, but not really. you know that you could make ‘better decisions’ but you really don’t care. you don’t want to surround yourself with others because you don’t want to have to exert any additional energy or pressure. that’s where i am. last night, i spoke to my best friend about how right now, i would much rather prefer to be a ghost than anything else. why? i just don’t have the range to deal with anyone or anything. i’m in a perpetual state of nausea. i never knew how much grief could affect you. this morning, i opened a package from my dad and he sent a copy of my uncle’s program from the funeral (i never got one that day) and it just sent me into a spiral of sadness. i can’t call my unc and just say wassup, or let him know what’s going on. it’s also hard because i am experiencing a lot of confusion and pain, but have a hard time speaking to people about it (and don’t really want to right now).

i am aware that the only way one can get better is by talking through it, but i need to do this on my own time. and i haven’t gotten there yet, as much as i would like to. otherwise, i’m stuck in this perpetual state of disappointment and lethargy because of the situations i find myself in. i am continually reminding myself to be grateful for what i have and it isn’t that i’m NOT grateful…i just know that i have outgrown my current situation and i am in need of something that gives me excitement and brings me back to life. just like evanescence.

everything just feels like it is a pin, poking the tiger inside me and upsetting him. the big, angry, uncouth animal that lives deep down in my soul and is sick and tired of his current reality, caught in his cage, pacing back and forth and laying down in defeat when he can’t even muster up the energy to traverse the cage. this is how i feel right now, and i just want the pain and the fog to stop and go away. it’s like i’m calling on the fog to dissipate and it just refuses to go anywhere, and i’m tired of that. those of you that can interact with people even when you’re not feeling your best, i salute you – right now, all i want to do is hide in a hole and go away. i know that the dreary weather outside matches my tattered soul, and it doesn’t help motivate me to go anywhere or do anything. …but adulthood causes for you to do things you don’t want to do quite often.

i should really get to work. but all i wanna do is cry. and nurse my stomach. my spirit. my soul. my mind. back to health.

asking and praying for better days.

5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg