it’s been about a week since i lost my journal. it’s been quite some time since i’ve written. a week really flies by these days, and time really just seems to be moving at a pace that i can’t even keep up with. journeying back to self is such an experience, and it’s something that has been taking up a lot of my energy and it’s more of like, i have this extreme desire to see myself grow and flourish. i know there’s work to be done (a lot of it at that) but at the same time, i know it can be done. i just need to dig deep and get there.
suspended in space, allowing the Universe to push me in whatever direction it will is where i have been lately. attempting to allow myself to figure out what is going on around me has been a priority.
–scratches record mid-writing–
I don’t know why the fuck I been sitting here trying to stop myself from writing “I’ve” so much. I don’t know why I was feeling shameful for owning my truth and what has been going on. I have been thinking that this blog has to show up some kind of way, or just be formatted in some specific design and fuck all that, I’m just in this space of letting it out and purging, making it more about what’s really going on instead of trying to be elusive as a writer. That isn’t authentic and I’m not about to just switch it up because it doesn’t feel right. So lemme continue.
–allows record to start playing again–
Shit has been a whirlwind lately. It’s like half the time, I’m throwing up from only God knows what. It’s like I wake up sick and I’m tired of it. I’m getting tired of the energy I’m having to exert regularly in my place of work. Sometimes, I truly wish I would just get let go because I feel like I’m too pussy to quit. I also have been in this mentality of like, trying to figure out what to do in order to clarify my thoughts. And make the path a bit clearer for me. My horoscope says its not time to leap and we know miss Retrograde is coming, but I know that in due time I need to make my timely exit.
I can’t even function as a regular human being anymore. A week ago, it was all so simple. I was able to just wake up, ease into my day, write, do what I had to do personally, etc. I could feel myself getting closer back with my spiritual self. I was finding myself more grounded in that time >> well, until the weekend when I had my slight relapse. And that was me harming myself because of me basically holing myself up away from people for so long, not being on my medication (yes – I take medication to help me stray away from alcohol and I had run out and not gotten it refilled yet so I was a bit more weak but I’m not placing blame on that, I just was antsy) and I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of that. I also have been playing this game online and it’s been taking up my nights for the past two weeks and I can’t wait to see the footages from it. It’s like this mixture of me being busy with things, but not wanting to be busy with things. And wanting to be more ambitious with being busy towards more things.
I’m also feeling very resistant towards people these days and I don’t know why. Like, it’s easier said than done to be like all up in someone’s face. Or have the desire to be. Most of the time, I’m in the place of just like trying to stray away to basically be lazy and not engage. That’s my defense mechanism.
Today I was doing my tarot pulls and got these lovely cards.
I just see so much prosperity around me and I know that there is a breakthrough on the horizon. My mother even said it to me last week when I lost my phone from being an accidental drunken hot mess of a bitch – there are powers working against me that are trying to hinder me from growing and having greatness. I’ve allowed myself to be open to energies that were not allowing me to be my best self. I was around situations that I didn’t trust. I’m still in some now, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have success in the future. I have to figure out how to make it all work for me, and these are some pretty tell-tale signs that things will be alright. I just have to look out onto the horizon like I said before, and remember that things will come my way if I believe. And I know they will. My goal is to stay grounded throughout this whole experience.
Real talk moment insert here: my fingers hurt from typing and my body is cramping up. I’m getting old.
Back to the story. I just feel like there are so many blessings that I am ready to receive and I am working on having the patience that is necessary to achieve them. My ancestors want to bless me and I haven’t been giving them their regards as is. I got dragged yesterday for that and I’ve been hollering at them. I need to do more talking. I’ve been having this battle for a long time with just accepting my spiritual gifts and spiritual portion and not worrying about what other people have to think, and with me following all of the shit that finds its way to me, I see myself finding truth and grounding.
I just felt a vision or saw a vision of me being somewhere abroad on an island, somewhere Spanish speaking, it feels like my soul is linked to this prior life of mine in a native Spanish-speaking land conjuring up shit like the brujo or prophet that I am trying to avoid being labelled as because I don’t want people to think I’m crazy or my mother to go crazy. Meh.
I’m tired of hiding out. I’m ready to stand out and shine. I was meant to be in the spotlight even the way that I’m built . . shy as hell. I welcome that energy on.