on the run.

Mobile thoughts. You know. Thoughts on the go. Something I have often but rarely get to share. As I see the random wypipo around me and I blast K-Pop, I wonder 2 things:

1) Where are they going?

2) Can they hear me going ham over here with the tunes?

A lot of time I begin to think about all the random people around me and sweat. Social anxiety is something I’ve been battling for a long time. Riding the train or the bus is an experience especially on bad days and I have to be somewhere. My stomach starts to hurt sometimes. I have to practice deep inhales and breaths in order to calm myself down. And I try to avoid taking my anxiety medication because I don’t wanna take my doses too early. Like right now all of a sudden I’m feeling nausea. I just looked around while standing on the platform, started thinking about something I forgot to do (drop this offering off to my Ancestors before I left the house) and started feeling icky. I don’t know why. This seems to be a cycle. This morning I woke up feeling that way (this man just bumped himself into my knee and then looked at me like I was in the wrong and it took me a second to not snap back and I remembered my stomach was in knots, this is why I hate riding the train because people ughhh) and I didn’t want to leave.

This is a recurring cycle. I feel like or wonder what is gonna change that. Sometimes I wonder if it’s diet related. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my body. Someone recently mentioned something and it makes me wonder if any of these feelings have to do with that. Then the thoughts that flow through my head are things I hear from people I work with in regards to just me being at work and I start getting agitated because I swear, my mind never stops running. It’s like 18 tabs open.

Stomach hurts > don’t want to go to work > was just spoken to about “consistency” and showing up at work > thinking about how that would translate at another job and if I would be having the same issues if I was happy > does that building have demons in it? > I just want to be released of all responsibility that makes me go there > how can I get a salary and still live life in a way that allows me to be financially stable > I know my Ancestors are telling me to be patient > wow I love BLACKPINK maybe I should get those tickets > I want to travel more right now and this stupid job hinders that > what if I traveled for work? I just wanna write and shit for life > my spiritual side has guidance and I’m trying to listen to it > my stomach is really hurting and I just want to get to a stable location or the pain to go away > why isn’t that medication helping?

Yeah, this is literally one glimpse and one of the “nicer” glimpses. I tend to be all over the place but after my conversation with my baba I know I have to work on giving myself love and being really patient with myself and I’m trying to do that. But it’s hard to be patient when everything just feels wrong and you want it to stop. I know I have to stay trusting and that’s what I’m trying to do right now. Faith is what is unseen. Believing in that divine feminine. Before I left today my card pull was about gnomes and dwarves while also reminding myself to rejoice about how much growth I’ve been. Me being on this train right now today is a huge jump. Especially from where I was. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. At one point (especially when I was drinking) I was able to function better. And I use that word function lightly. It was more of a sense like I was just moving through life without awareness. Now that I’m aware it’s like my body has become that much more of a being of spiritual sensing. It’s like feeling all the nasty in the world and trying to release and purge it all healthily. I’ve been more emotional the last couple months than ever in my life. Like sometimes crying at the drop of a hat. Trying to speak about what’s going on in my head. Not to everyone but the fact is I’m starting. I’m healing from my last relationship that did a wonder on my brain but I’m grateful that I had my relationship honestly. But I am transitioning more into self love on a deeper level than I had before and that’s intense and necessary.

Also. I hear you signs. It is time to move on. But I gotta wait a bit. My horoscope said to wait a second. Plan it out. I gotta make sure I have it all lined up. I am releasing all thoughts that make me feel like I wouldn’t be able to get a job anywhere else. I am a gem in any position I put my mind to. Whether it’s for someone else or for myself.

Do people do this anymore? Everyone is so scared to blog and talk about their personal life. Instead of just being open. That probably would change a lot of lives if we were just writing and being real. I hope this one shows someone out there that you aren’t alone, the sun is still shining so we have another day, and that I’m still going through it but I’m a warrior and so are you. But this is more for myself. I just invited you to my journey.

I love you. Thank you for reading.

Amen. Asé.