on the run.

Mobile thoughts. You know. Thoughts on the go. Something I have often but rarely get to share. As I see the random wypipo around me and I blast K-Pop, I wonder 2 things:

1) Where are they going?

2) Can they hear me going ham over here with the tunes?

A lot of time I begin to think about all the random people around me and sweat. Social anxiety is something I’ve been battling for a long time. Riding the train or the bus is an experience especially on bad days and I have to be somewhere. My stomach starts to hurt sometimes. I have to practice deep inhales and breaths in order to calm myself down. And I try to avoid taking my anxiety medication because I don’t wanna take my doses too early. Like right now all of a sudden I’m feeling nausea. I just looked around while standing on the platform, started thinking about something I forgot to do (drop this offering off to my Ancestors before I left the house) and started feeling icky. I don’t know why. This seems to be a cycle. This morning I woke up feeling that way (this man just bumped himself into my knee and then looked at me like I was in the wrong and it took me a second to not snap back and I remembered my stomach was in knots, this is why I hate riding the train because people ughhh) and I didn’t want to leave.

This is a recurring cycle. I feel like or wonder what is gonna change that. Sometimes I wonder if it’s diet related. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my body. Someone recently mentioned something and it makes me wonder if any of these feelings have to do with that. Then the thoughts that flow through my head are things I hear from people I work with in regards to just me being at work and I start getting agitated because I swear, my mind never stops running. It’s like 18 tabs open.

Stomach hurts > don’t want to go to work > was just spoken to about “consistency” and showing up at work > thinking about how that would translate at another job and if I would be having the same issues if I was happy > does that building have demons in it? > I just want to be released of all responsibility that makes me go there > how can I get a salary and still live life in a way that allows me to be financially stable > I know my Ancestors are telling me to be patient > wow I love BLACKPINK maybe I should get those tickets > I want to travel more right now and this stupid job hinders that > what if I traveled for work? I just wanna write and shit for life > my spiritual side has guidance and I’m trying to listen to it > my stomach is really hurting and I just want to get to a stable location or the pain to go away > why isn’t that medication helping?

Yeah, this is literally one glimpse and one of the “nicer” glimpses. I tend to be all over the place but after my conversation with my baba I know I have to work on giving myself love and being really patient with myself and I’m trying to do that. But it’s hard to be patient when everything just feels wrong and you want it to stop. I know I have to stay trusting and that’s what I’m trying to do right now. Faith is what is unseen. Believing in that divine feminine. Before I left today my card pull was about gnomes and dwarves while also reminding myself to rejoice about how much growth I’ve been. Me being on this train right now today is a huge jump. Especially from where I was. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. At one point (especially when I was drinking) I was able to function better. And I use that word function lightly. It was more of a sense like I was just moving through life without awareness. Now that I’m aware it’s like my body has become that much more of a being of spiritual sensing. It’s like feeling all the nasty in the world and trying to release and purge it all healthily. I’ve been more emotional the last couple months than ever in my life. Like sometimes crying at the drop of a hat. Trying to speak about what’s going on in my head. Not to everyone but the fact is I’m starting. I’m healing from my last relationship that did a wonder on my brain but I’m grateful that I had my relationship honestly. But I am transitioning more into self love on a deeper level than I had before and that’s intense and necessary.

Also. I hear you signs. It is time to move on. But I gotta wait a bit. My horoscope said to wait a second. Plan it out. I gotta make sure I have it all lined up. I am releasing all thoughts that make me feel like I wouldn’t be able to get a job anywhere else. I am a gem in any position I put my mind to. Whether it’s for someone else or for myself.

Do people do this anymore? Everyone is so scared to blog and talk about their personal life. Instead of just being open. That probably would change a lot of lives if we were just writing and being real. I hope this one shows someone out there that you aren’t alone, the sun is still shining so we have another day, and that I’m still going through it but I’m a warrior and so are you. But this is more for myself. I just invited you to my journey.

I love you. Thank you for reading.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

portals

it’s been about a week since i lost my journal. it’s been quite some time since i’ve written. a week really flies by these days, and time really just seems to be moving at a pace that i can’t even keep up with. journeying back to self is such an experience, and it’s something that has been taking up a lot of my energy and it’s more of like, i have this extreme desire to see myself grow and flourish. i know there’s work to be done (a lot of it at that) but at the same time, i know it can be done. i just need to dig deep and get there.

suspended in space, allowing the Universe to push me in whatever direction it will is where i have been lately. attempting to allow myself to figure out what is going on around me has been a priority.

–scratches record mid-writing–

I don’t know why the fuck I been sitting here trying to stop myself from writing “I’ve” so much. I don’t know why I was feeling shameful for owning my truth and what has been going on. I have been thinking that this blog has to show up some kind of way, or just be formatted in some specific design and fuck all that, I’m just in this space of letting it out and purging, making it more about what’s really going on instead of trying to be elusive as a writer. That isn’t authentic and I’m not about to just switch it up because it doesn’t feel right. So lemme continue.

–allows record to start playing again–

Shit has been a whirlwind lately. It’s like half the time, I’m throwing up from only God knows what. It’s like I wake up sick and I’m tired of it. I’m getting tired of the energy I’m having to exert regularly in my place of work. Sometimes, I truly wish I would just get let go because I feel like I’m too pussy to quit. I also have been in this mentality of like, trying to figure out what to do in order to clarify my thoughts. And make the path a bit clearer for me. My horoscope says its not time to leap and we know miss Retrograde is coming, but I know that in due time I need to make my timely exit.

I can’t even function as a regular human being anymore. A week ago, it was all so simple. I was able to just wake up, ease into my day, write, do what I had to do personally, etc. I could feel myself getting closer back with my spiritual self. I was finding myself more grounded in that time >> well, until the weekend when I had my slight relapse. And that was me harming myself because of me basically holing myself up away from people for so long, not being on my medication (yes – I take medication to help me stray away from alcohol and I had run out and not gotten it refilled yet so I was a bit more weak but I’m not placing blame on that, I just was antsy) and I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of that. I also have been playing this game online and it’s been taking up my nights for the past two weeks and I can’t wait to see the footages from it. It’s like this mixture of me being busy with things, but not wanting to be busy with things. And wanting to be more ambitious with being busy towards more things.

I’m also feeling very resistant towards people these days and I don’t know why. Like, it’s easier said than done to be like all up in someone’s face. Or have the desire to be. Most of the time, I’m in the place of just like trying to stray away to basically be lazy and not engage. That’s my defense mechanism.

Today I was doing my tarot pulls and got these lovely cards.

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I just see so much prosperity around me and I know that there is a breakthrough on the horizon. My mother even said it to me last week when I lost my phone from being an accidental drunken hot mess of a bitch – there are powers working against me that are trying to hinder me from growing and having greatness. I’ve allowed myself to be open to energies that were not allowing me to be my best self. I was around situations that I didn’t trust. I’m still in some now, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have success in the future. I have to figure out how to make it all work for me, and these are some pretty tell-tale signs that things will be alright. I just have to look out onto the horizon like I said before, and remember that things will come my way if I believe. And I know they will. My goal is to stay grounded throughout this whole experience.

Real talk moment insert here: my fingers hurt from typing and my body is cramping up. I’m getting old.

Back to the story. I just feel like there are so many blessings that I am ready to receive and I am working on having the patience that is necessary to achieve them. My ancestors want to bless me and I haven’t been giving them their regards as is. I got dragged yesterday for that and I’ve been hollering at them. I need to do more talking. I’ve been having this battle for a long time with just accepting my spiritual gifts and spiritual portion and not worrying about what other people have to think, and with me following all of the shit that finds its way to me, I see myself finding truth and grounding.

I just felt a vision or saw a vision of me being somewhere abroad on an island, somewhere Spanish speaking, it feels like my soul is linked to this prior life of mine in a native Spanish-speaking land conjuring up shit like the brujo or prophet that I am trying to avoid being labelled as because I don’t want people to think I’m crazy or my mother to go crazy. Meh.

I’m tired of hiding out. I’m ready to stand out and shine. I was meant to be in the spotlight even the way that I’m built . . shy as hell. I welcome that energy on.

Amen. Asé.

-gg