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Boundaries After Five Years of Fuck Ups.

Wow, this is something that I haven’t done in a while. I don’t even remember what the last thing I wrote about on here was, and don’t even feel like going back to see it. I can’t believe that it has been a year since this site has been in existence (the only reason I know is because the editors are telling me I have 6 days to renew my plan and daddy doesn’t have his paper together the way he would like just yet to renew but…in due time).

Okay, so I know that this is a public blog but it’s my shit, so I am going to just keep it honest. This morning, I woke up with these stomach pains and a bit of anxiety around…what, I don’t know. I haven’t been sleeping much at all lately. I probably get around 4-5 hours regularly and I’m on my nightowl shit quite often. It’s just the facts right now because of things that have been going on.

Oh, some updates for my personal life. So, I’m without a ‘salaried job’ right now. Essentially, baby girl was put on disability back in May because of my health issues. It is so crazy because …these issues aren’t new and they just got worse as time went on. Call it symptoms of ascension, but like my body and soul knew that it was in a place that it didn’t belong. But you know as a black man, I’ve been told all my life how I have to work this and do this and make sure I have this. All of the things that I got in my five years of living in New York plus the stuff that I have carried around with me since college literally has compounded itself into something…that I’m not anymore.

I believe this is why Big Spirit took everything from me. For those that know or don’t know, I was robbed on June 11th. Reason being – I went out on a date or two with men while on my trip home (I want to say right around the time that I wrote the last post) and felt a lot of …feelings. Let’s be real. I was in a relationship around this time last year. June 1st would have been my year anniversary. And I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt smothered and my Scorpio Sun Sag Venus ass struggles with staying IN IT. Especially when I’m communicating what I need and that’s not being met. I become very…what’s the word? Reserved in a sense…because I tend to shut down and just be like:

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So…yeah, I let that go because I wasn’t happy. I had just lost my Uncle a month prior and I was very hurt. Very lost. And just needed some space for myself to figure things out. But I was still searching for love in all the wrong places. Old spaces that I knew I could fall back into because …well bitch, it’s easy to do. It’s simple for me to just believe that I will be coming into these spaces from an ‘ascended’ place. But no, I’m still the same bitch that I always been, with the same issues, and know better. Hey. You live and you learn. And I realized that if I wanted to attract a certain type of man, I had to behave a certain kind of way. (this is hindsight, because I definitely didn’t realize how much I was putting into PEOPLE THAT DID NOT DESERVE THAT TIME AT THE TIME.) Anyways, this was a trigger because I had a date scheduled and it sent me into a complete spiral because…well, it wasn’t that great. And of course my heart, my soul, was open. I’m a fucking Scorpio, Libra, Pisces #Big3 bitch so like, let’s be honest here. A nigga was hurting. So what did I do? Drink that pain awayyyyy. It’s my go-to. It’s always been my go-to. I’m an addict. A recovering addict.

Well, that spawned a series of unfortunate events. Let me be clear here. Before I even was where I was, I was in a fight. Got some shit stolen. Got into a variety of verbal disagreements with people close to me. Then basically was drinking and messing around with men during a time where I needed to be giving my energy to myself. THEREFORE, things were literally feeling like the five years that I lived in New York and all the shit that I experienced during my time living here were coming to a head and happening in the span of three weeks. Now, let’s be clear.

FIVE YEARS WORTH OF LOW VIBRATIONAL ENERGY IN THREE WEEKS? WOULDN’T THAT BOTHER ANYONE AND SEND THEM INTO A DEEP DARK SPIRAL?

(Oh, and I just celebrated my five year anniversary of being in New York yesterday; cheers.)

Whiskey was my choice of alcohol. That morning, I truly remember …not much, but hey. I do know that iStarted mixing coffee and whiskey at 10. To numb the pain. Mainly because I was hurting and what’s funny is it wasn’t my family that sent me into that immediate spiral. It wasn’t my friends that sent me into that immediate spiral. It wasn’t my job (because I wasn’t working + I didn’t have an income and that weighed heavily on me) that sent me into an immediate spiral.

It was some dusty ass nigga that I spent my time trying to get to know and put energy into that didn’t deserve that energy + me trying to rationalize why I felt like he deserved that energy THAT SENT ME INTO THAT SPIRAL.

I’m really a romantic at heart, I put my everything into people and relationships and…it does come back to bite me in the ass more often than not. It sucks. Anyways, this really put me in a dark place enough to where I blacked out. Now, this wasn’t my first time at the rodeo blacking out. I sadly have been a pro at this for quite some time. YEARS OF BLACKING OUT BB. Like, ever since… 20. So imagine 9 years of alcohol abuse, 7 years of not recognizing it was abuse, and 3 years of being conscious that it was abuse and trying to get back on the straight and narrow path after 9 years of learning a trait that I needed to desperately unlearn.

BICH. Can you blame me?

Anyway, this blackout led to one of the darkest moments of my life. I’ve learned in my big age (wow, 30 is right around the corner wow) that I can’t blame everything else on other folks, I have to take some of the ownership of myself. I know that I have a predisposition to a lot of addiction traits. I know that I tend to hurt myself or put myself in situations that are dark. A close friend to me the other day said that I can sometimes lean into victim mentality and while that hurt to hear, she was right. All of this I have recently been able to clearly see. Let’s be real, I am battling:

  1. A drug / alcohol addiction issue
  2. Emotional trauma from my parentals not really giving me the love and respect i deserve and have been pining for all my life
  3. A physical illness that manifested itself from the amount of stress in my life
  4. Hating a job that I have naturally been good at all my life, but don’t feel a connection to anymore because of how much it made me physically ill
  5. Income? Consistent income? I haven’t known those words at all in my life~

And that’s just a couple things. Anyways, after being arrested off some wild shit, I basically put myself in a place to get everything of mine stolen. Every thing material of mine was gone. Even the keys to my home. And I wasn’t even in the same state that I currently live in. Therefore…struggle city. Imagine what the fuck that was like to have to deal with especially on your own.

I’ve been building my confidence…

My heart…

My mind & soul…

And just the finances that I’ve lost back up. But…I’m at a place because who do I work for right now?

Nobody. No, literally. I have been “searching” for jobs and not finding anything that fits my interests. The places I do go that are of interest to me? Not hiring. This becomes difficult and a little…redundant. Relying on the help of others to get by and also the Spirit of God to bless me has been literally the way that I have made it through this time. Relying on that has been the sole reason as to why I am still here. Of course, there are days with tears. There are days I’m not the most loving to myself, but I learn to pull myself out of it as best as possible. It’s still a work in progress – I have been not the most positive towards myself all my life. Building my confidence up and all that. It takes time.

I know I started this with boundaries and whatnot, and this is important for me to learn with myself and with others. The boundaries that I have had to establish with self are really integral to my work and work with others because let’s be real,… since I’ve been working for myself and the work I do is heavily involved with others, I have to protect myself. What does that look like? BITCH, I’m still learning so ask me in a couple of months LOL but at the same time, it has really been a form of self-care to not answer certain peoples’ phone calls that are draining; realize that I am growing and changing and having different thoughts and if someone doesn’t understand that or can’t have a dialogue in regards to growth and change…BYE; I love a good spiritual bath or sitting in the shower and just letting the water run over me and getting my peace…there are more but I don’t want to bore you.

I also have to establish boundaries with others. I have been an emotional dumping ground for my whole life. Literally, I don’t know if I have “YOU ACTUALLY CAN TRUST ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS – COME TALK TO ME!!!” written across my forehead but there’s just something about me that people have always felt comfortable coming to me and sharing with me. Ever since childhood. Like, I was the kid that was in the grown folx conversation because I knew I could sit, listen, observe, and that’s how I gained my knowledge. And I also know how to listen (but I do like to insert my own thoughts more nowadays and just respond for the sake of dialogue – I try and make sure I don’t overdo it) so I think that also is something that people appreciate about me. But I rarely get asked if I’m in a space to take things on. I rarely get told after someone has dialogue with me ‘thank you’ especially if I’m here listening and giving you advice that you put into practice. And I can’t do that anymore.

Boundaries also extend into sexual encounters and whatnot. As a victim of sexual assault/rape in my childhood and during my formative years as an adult, I have been the type of person to just go along with what people want to do for fear of upsetting a person…being hurt by them because of being in a compromising situation with them…and I have naturally been the person not to speak up because of ‘rustling feathers’ (shoutout to Hayden Moss for this one) and also knowing that my truth-speaking has been too much for people at times and I have that body memory stopping myself from doing it. Do I know why completely? No. But it’s just that scared little boy inside of me who remembers being in that dorm room after bringing someone he didn’t want to bring home, but didn’t know how to speak up for himself and was told by this fucker that ‘he wasn’t leaving without getting what he came there for’ and my 19 year old ass is sitting in this room at Morehouse knowing that if I scream, these men are going to look at me crazy and I let that man basically fuck me for three days straight…he would literally go to work and come back to my dorm to rape me repeatedly over a weekend until I basically let him leave that Monday and blocked him in every way possible because I didn’t know how to confront that energy. I still remember his name. His face. Those fucking green contacts that he consistently wore. His bald head. And the fact that he was supposedly dating my “Morehouse brother” but he still was fucking me. And mind you, this was my first time ever bottoming (for you gurlz that really need to know, I’m more of a top mainly because of this reasoning) and it just spiraled into a very heavy lifetime of me having sex with strangers only one time because …well, if you only have sex with someone once you never have to worry about disappointing them ever again.

Yeah.

I have had a lot of time to process why I spiraled into an addictive state for literally 9 years of my life. I have had a really difficult road…but like, through it all I’m still fighting, still kicking, still HERE BITCH just like Tisha Campbell says. And to be honest…even through all this, I have never been so connected to my SELF, my TRUTH, and my BEING.

I’ve truly taken my tarot and oracle card readings to another level, and have been working for myself out this apartment for the last two and a half months, solely making my income off of this.

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And I’ve never been happier working for myself and not having to answer to anyone.

I’m in the process of working on and dropping a project that I’m working on and I can’t wait to share more about in the near future when the ink on the shit dries.

I actually found time earlier this week to talk with my big sister on her podcast about my addiction. You can actually go give it a listen here if you’re interested and support her (shoutout to you Maria!) and …listen to my perspective on it. If you have ever felt like you’re battling substance abuse or addiction in the general sense (remember, it doesn’t have to mean just substances), I would suggest you give it a try at least. <3.

I have so much insight based off my experiences in this fucking wild ass city. I moved here 5 years ago with three goals:

  1. Move closer to my best friend because I was miserable in Pittsburgh where I was
  2. Find a man because New York seemed to be the place that housed the type of men I wanted to date and I hadn’t ever been in a true relationship as an adult
  3. Not work as a teacher because I had been teaching for 5 years already and was tired of the shit and wanted to start my career as….welllll idunno but not teaching

 

Did I accomplish my goals? Yeah…just not the way I planned. But in retrospect…I did.

  1. I got to live closer to my best friend and during those formative years I was really dependent upon him …however in the last two specifically I have essentially found my way back to trusting myself, my judgments and we are able to live two completely separate lives without me having to run to him for all my needs because…I’m learning how to function without the approval or need of others that don’t actually mean well for me
  2. I dated one guy that fucked me over and was my coworker [NEVER DATE A COWORKER!!!!!!!!!!] that came onto me and told me he wanted to be with me and i cancelled a trip to the HAMPTONS to be with him for christmas break and slept at his house 5 of 7 days -that i had keys to MIND YOU- and basically found out that he only wanted to mess around with me and that was it but NOT FROM HIM, from his BEST FRIEND telling me and then later on down the road see him and someone from the Twitterverse traversing through fucking Tulum …and the nigga was also a black Spanish teacher (someone has a type and yes, i’m still a bit bitter by the way shit went down, i’m a scorpio and so was he and that was fucked up – ya’ll know i didn’t let that nigga breathe though, i definitely left that nigga’s keys on his desk on valentine’s day because i’m not that bitch)
  3. I had a wonderful relationship with a guy for about 8 and a half months but I just needed to move on for myself
  4. I found my passion – healing and the arts and truly started to lean into that truth and have been especially for the last three years…

So like…I’m actually winning at the end of the day, even through all that.

If you got to the end of this, you better fucking WERK BITCH. And thank you for taking my journey with me and being here. Being of support. That means the world.

I don’t know what the next five years are going to look like. I don’t know what the next year, the next day will look like.

But what’s wild is…I don’t really fucking care like I used to. I’ve learned the beauty of being present and in the moment. And tbh, I’m enjoying this version of me more than ever before even though it isn’t any version I’ve met before…he’s rad. Amen. Ase.

-GG

 

POST EDIT – I know I’m not making this shit up because after I wrote this… I pulled the Temperance card from my Afro-Brazilian Tarot deck…

“Temperance is the card for bringing balance, patience and moderation into your life. You are being invited to stabilise your energy and to allow the life force to flow through you without force or resistance. It’s time to recover your flow and get your life back into order and balance.

This card calls on you to remain calm, even when life feels stressful or frantic. Maintain an even temperament and manage your emotions. You have learned to keep composed in stressful situations. Little things don’t get to you, thanks to your seemingly abundant source of patience. Your respect for balance and tranquillity is what will help you achieve and experience fulfilment in your life.

Temperance asks you to take the middle path and accommodate all perspectives. Now is not the time to be highly opinionated or controversial. Be the peacekeeper and take a balanced and moderate approach, avoiding any extremes. Include others and bring together diverse groups of people to create harmony and cooperation. By working together, you will collectively leverage the right mix of talents, experiences, abilities and skills.

There is alchemy within Temperance. This Tarot card is about blending, mixing, and combining diverse elements in a way that creates something new and even more valuable than its separate parts. ‘Blending’ can take on many forms; for example, a blended family, an artist who blends different materials or techniques, a bartender who mixes new and exciting cocktails, or a chef who combines different cuisines and cooking styles.

The Temperance card shows that you have a clear, long-term vision of what you want to achieve. You are not rushing things along; instead, you are taking your time to ensure that you do the best job you can. You know you need a moderate, guided approach to reach your goals.

Finally, this card reflects higher learning. You are learning a great deal where you are now and are at peace with what you are doing – it is all coming together well. Your inner voice is guiding you to the right outcome, and you are patiently listening and following.”

 

<3. Wow.

stepping up.

stepping up to the plate looks differently for so many people. that could mean in the literal sense of stepping up to the plate right before a baseball game, hoping to knock the ball right out the park. it could also mean in the sense of being charged with something and ensuring that you meet the mark in regards to what needs to be done. that could look differently for so many people, especially based on the way that a person approaches conflict, and how to come to a resolution in its finality.  however, you naturally know when it is the time to come to the realization that it is time for things to shift, whether for your own personal goodness or for the goodness of others. you know that good old saying about people being mirror reflections of you and how you treat them is truly how you treat yourself. that’s even when you’re rashing someone. how you talk to them is a reflection of how you have the ability to gather your whole life together in a way that always isn’t the most positive. check yourself. the ‘man, what the fuck are you thinking’ thought processes aren’t always going to be the best things for you to perpetuate in your mind and spirit.

and you know this. i just needed to reiterate it for you on today. as i continue to pass through the days that go by, i realize that there is so much that’s changing. there’s so much growth. so much newness. it’s all about the new world and how we are choosing to be a part of it or not. how we function in that is a choice and how you allow it to actually benefit you or not…that’s half the battle, baby. what do i mean by this new world? it’s a new level of consciousness that we are striving to achieve. a space of understanding and truth that none of us have experienced before but we are having to step into. this is a choice. stepping up means getting to the next level of truth for you. how do you know you’ve made it there?

take this example: you just recently got through a whole situation where things that you were holding onto from your childhood came to the forefront and you were able to clear through and now, you know that this was happening for a reason. you don’t question it and after the situation has transpired, you tend to feel lighter and just more at peace with yourself. you know that you are breaking through barriers that you didn’t even know existed. now you’re in a space of realizing that change is being facilitated and the way that it is welcomed in is such a beautiful thing. the reason why this is so important to pay attention to, work through, make sense of and then move forward in bliss is because you have truly made a shift in your vibration, your understanding, and with this new knowledge have space to truly make something shake in a beautiful way. this allows you to see things from such a different perspective. being able to appreciate that dust, that shit, that waste of energy that you were holding onto for so long, lovingly releasing it and allowing it to transcend into the cosmos so that way you don’t have to be concerned about it anymore. the dust is what is settles…it’s time to shake shit up.

we are stepping into beautiful realms and beautiful gowns. are you going to allow yourself to stay put in the space you are now, or step up into a newer space that helps you to feel at peace, at home, and in the mindset of knowing that more greatness is on the horizon? you know that you truly have God’s grace on your side and the ability to manifest whatever your heart desires. it just is up to you to make sure that you put the effort forth into making that happen instead of just sitting around waiting for it to happen.

step up to the plate. knock that emotional BALL out the park. show yourself how to love yourself so that way it radiates to others. lead in light. hold onto the thought that karma does exist. ensure that you do whatever is necessary in order for you to move to those higher levels of groundedness. it’s your time.

amen. asé.

-gg

 

creep.

the shedding of skin is the rebirth i didn’t plan on, but realized i had to lean into. the most uncomfortable of situations are the ones that push you to grow in ways that you never have imagined. i stay preaching to the younger generations about how these situations really make you test yourself in a way you have never been tested, and at this moment it’s a welcomed test. there is some sort of benefit as we ride through the sunset and surf the waves of life. chase the tornadoes and the storms and end up where we find some sense of beauty and truth. we don’t want to go into the eye of the storm for fear we will be swept away. there is always said to be a calm in the eye, but there is a ton of damage that can *potentially* come after. dependent upon how you position yourself and where you are really dictates how the Universe moves and whether or not you’re in the path. you can be in line or choose not to be…the choice is yours.

this energy is intense. even as i sit here on this evening before the full moon actually comes, it just feels like things are going to be shaken up. i’m in a place right now that i have never been before and even though it literally makes my skin crawl and gives me the utmost anxiety, i would rather be here and feel like there’s so much to achieve even though everything isn’t the way i ideally would want. that doesn’t mean that my plan, your plan, anyone’s plan isn’t coming to pass…it’s all about taking the necessary steps and i’m not trying to jump ladder rungs. jumping steps just means you miss out on important shit you have to do later. no detours on this journey. and i’m not even upset about it.

how are we choosing to move? how are we choosing to honour the journey? how are we choosing to make things happen and know it’s for our greater good? how are we choosing to learn from our mistakes? are you owning your power or shying away from it? time for you to answer these questions and get in gear. we’re ascending, bitch.

amen. asé.

-gg

intuition says ‘yes’

intuition is a son of a bitch, and i mean that in the most loving way either. when you learn to listen to that gut feeling, it really just serves you some shit up on a silver platter that you never expect. sometimes, the end goal is not what was necessarily planned…but that’s okay. you get the clarity that you need in some way. that intuition doesn’t kick in unless you trust yourself. do you? what do you truly think about yourself? If you don’t answer quickly with a loving response, let’s take a step back and figure out why?

what thought patterns are hindering you from being able to see yourself at your highest self right now? why are you so critical of things that others probably aren’t as critical of you of? rest assured, i can tell you…whatever you’re pressed as a panini about right now isn’t going to matter in the grand scheme of things. trust & believe. you are creating a mountain out of a molehill right now, and you need to tighten it up and remember that nothing is actually wrong with you, what you think, how you move, all of that. other people feel resistance to your freedom because they don’t know how to function in the same way that you do. and is it their job to do so? absolutely not. that resistance creates judgment and then judgment creates a lack of inertia when it comes to your dreams, desires and your moves. you tend to shell up and falter in ways that aren’t necessary for you to do because of another’s input.

set yourself free, beloved.

shucking and jiving in a way that’s authentic to you serves you and brings you joy in ways you would have never imagined. that clarity and peace that courses through you is unmatched. personally, since this journey with ramadan beginning there has been such a level of clarity and stuff that i have been grateful for. the prayers, the fasting (even though i’ve had to modify it because of my health and stuff), the thoughts and the vulnerability that comes with it. . . is unmatched. it’s made a lot of things concrete for me that i may have had questions or inklings about and has blessed me in a variety of ways that i couldn’t even begin to explain. for that alone, i am grateful beyond measure. the journey of self-exploration, faith and security is a tumultuous yet beneficial one and i implore you to try it out.

you have so many keys to so many doors. it’s time to catch your deliverance.

amen. asé.

-gg

ramadan.

alhamdullilah.

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expressions of gratitude come in a variety of forms. you know, your man may get you a good edible arrangement sent to your job. maybe in order to show that you’re thankful towards a boss, you’ll do something for them like get a gift card for them to a place you know they like or something. or whatever actions you may take with anyone that you care about, …you go out of your way sometimes to show that you care. well, this year the way i’m going to practice showing my gratitude is by observing Ramadan, which begins today.

why Ramadan? this is going to sound crazy, but watching the tv show Ramy on Hulu gave insight to the Muslim perspective in America (or at least one millennial’s version of it as he searches for spirituality) and the show is just good in general as a watch. however, the search for deeper meaning of spirituality and himself gave me a tinge of a point for personal reflection. one episode was completely dedicated to Ramadan and growing up, i have had a number of Muslim friends who have observed Ramadan. this year however, i have SO MUCH to be grateful for. and simply just being alive is enough to be grateful for.

now, i did try Lent out this year but that was a flop. the reason why is because when i began, i wasn’t as dedicated to it. i felt like it was something i was going to ‘try’ to do – my level of investment wasn’t there. and when i broke it the first time unknowingly after day 6, i just gave up altogether. this on the other hand…this for me feels like a time to truly give back to myself, my Higher Self, my Ancestors, God, Obatalá, my egún, my Ori and my angels. now, I’m not Muslim…but why can’t i practice fasting, giving reverence where it is due, and sacrificing a bit of something so small in life in order for me to spiritually grow?

i have never seen the point of being limited to a box for anything. i don’t think it makes any fucking sense to box any sort of practices and religions in unless you are to undergo an initiation to become some sort of practitioner in a religious sect/background. otherwise, find your fuvking peace, bro. you’re the author of what that looks like for you and i have decided to take the reins on that this year.

for your own sake and i mean, this could help someone else too. why am i going to be diving into this? aside from me wanting to try this out for my own personal desire and strength of spirit, i want to start weaning out some bad habits that i have. i also want to see what i can create and give my time to when i’m not filling it with other things i may be doing that waste it. i want to see what routines i can enhance or make better for myself. i also am personally excited to be able to devote guaranteed time to meditate, pray, and go within for clarity. this will even be observed during the work day, and having that level of peace is something that i believe is going to bring me such enlightenment. i don’t mind the fasting – the ‘no drinking water’ thing is gonna be hard because i talk all day but i’ll manage.

regardless of how this goes, there is a lesson i will gain through all of this i am excited to lean into. when you expand your viewpoint and attempt to try new things out, new blessings come from new lessons. give it a try, and meet me in the street. we ain’t on the playground no more.

be blessed. ramadan mubarak.

amen. asé.

-gg