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WWE.

i’ve been wrestling with how to begin this. i wanted to say “certain things take precedence when you’re in a tough spot” or “i am racing against the clock because i should be leaving to go to work and make it on time but yet here i am”. so yeah, you just got all of my openings and where my brain chatter is. even me starting something written is scattered, just like my emotions. my brain. my heart. my spirit just feels frazzled.

have you ever felt emotionally paralyzed? i think that’s a perfect way to explain where my spirit is currently. you want to do things, but not really. you know that you could make ‘better decisions’ but you really don’t care. you don’t want to surround yourself with others because you don’t want to have to exert any additional energy or pressure. that’s where i am. last night, i spoke to my best friend about how right now, i would much rather prefer to be a ghost than anything else. why? i just don’t have the range to deal with anyone or anything. i’m in a perpetual state of nausea. i never knew how much grief could affect you. this morning, i opened a package from my dad and he sent a copy of my uncle’s program from the funeral (i never got one that day) and it just sent me into a spiral of sadness. i can’t call my unc and just say wassup, or let him know what’s going on. it’s also hard because i am experiencing a lot of confusion and pain, but have a hard time speaking to people about it (and don’t really want to right now).

i am aware that the only way one can get better is by talking through it, but i need to do this on my own time. and i haven’t gotten there yet, as much as i would like to. otherwise, i’m stuck in this perpetual state of disappointment and lethargy because of the situations i find myself in. i am continually reminding myself to be grateful for what i have and it isn’t that i’m NOT grateful…i just know that i have outgrown my current situation and i am in need of something that gives me excitement and brings me back to life. just like evanescence.

everything just feels like it is a pin, poking the tiger inside me and upsetting him. the big, angry, uncouth animal that lives deep down in my soul and is sick and tired of his current reality, caught in his cage, pacing back and forth and laying down in defeat when he can’t even muster up the energy to traverse the cage. this is how i feel right now, and i just want the pain and the fog to stop and go away. it’s like i’m calling on the fog to dissipate and it just refuses to go anywhere, and i’m tired of that. those of you that can interact with people even when you’re not feeling your best, i salute you – right now, all i want to do is hide in a hole and go away. i know that the dreary weather outside matches my tattered soul, and it doesn’t help motivate me to go anywhere or do anything. …but adulthood causes for you to do things you don’t want to do quite often.

i should really get to work. but all i wanna do is cry. and nurse my stomach. my spirit. my soul. my mind. back to health.

asking and praying for better days.

5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

heavenly presence.

i’m coming home. back to atlanta, riding this damn amtrak train headed back down the eastern coast. i recently just lost my uncle and that has been one of the hardest things to even process. to be completely honest, it still hasn’t completely hit me yet. everyone else has been closer to the fire and the flame forreal, so they’ve been able to feel it and somewhat process. the thing about me is that it takes some time to process everything in my life, so these emotions haven’t hit me completely yet. i had a vision about what i would do when i saw my uncle in that casket tomorrow, and i just…i began to shudder. losing anyone you care about, whether that’s via death or via separation is hard. but not knowing the logistics of how something happened; not being prepared in order to deal with this because it was unexpected; not being able to prepare for what is coming your way. that’s what causes me anxiety and i am SO glad that i have all my medications this weekend in order to make sure that i’m good. otherwise, i know i would be a useless piece of mess. i know that this whole time i’ve been on this train, all i have been thinking about is just making it through these days. it isn’t a long time until tuesday, and i think i’m going to be taking wednesday off because at this point, i really don’t care. i just need some time to recuperate after this weekend.

no one will ever understand what it’s like for me to lose this specific uncle. he’s the only blood uncle that i have. he also didn’t have kids, wasn’t married, nothing like that. so being the eldest nephew of the family, this is hitting me a lot harder than you would imagine, mainly because it feels like a father that has passed away to me in a sense. what i could always appreciate about my uncle is the fact that he always would check on me, give me real life advice, make me laugh, and never ever make me feel judged. i do remember him just always giving me clothes, words of wisdom, and he was someone i just felt like i could always talk to without judgment. he was my dad’s brother and i know that my dad, having lost his mother and father years ago, is really struggling right now because now it’s just him with us and his current wife. so yeah. a whole show.

but i’m going to make it. my family is going to make it. as i travel down this east coast and catch the simplicities of the south, i realize how much i’ve changed and how i’m so used to seeing people moving and things going on. like always. and how moving back to something quiet like this could be relaxing in the future when i feel like a completely fully realized adult. right now though, i’ll take my isolation in my 1BR in NYC where i can walk to the corner store and they know who i am.

so much is going on in my head in regards to the future. i feel the spirit of my uncle trying to push through me. basically he is trying to encourage me to stay lifted. my step-brother, who passed away in 2017, has consistently tried to push me towards entrepreneurship. it’s not that i don’t want to – i just need to figure out my own lane and make it real. i feel like i have so much energy from those who have passed on and sent me their positive blessings and strength. therefore, i feel ready to take on the world. i just have to let my feet and hands get on the same page instead of thinking that that’s not possible. everything is possible as long as you believe and put the effort towards it.

and that’s one thing i can always be grateful for my uncle for. so yeh. i’m just gonna take it from here and ride through this weekend. it’s the only thing i can do.

but this is dedicated to bruce allan mccrear. my uncle. someone who i will always love & appreciate…and am thankful to have him as one of my guardian angels.

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man i’m so glad i got to see you when you visited NYC. “aye RUDEBWOY you think you can cop a zip for me?” …. now you know i always got you dawg. hah.

good old BAM –

you’ll never realize how much i appreciated having you as an uncle / second dad for me. i feel like because you didn’t have to worry about your own kids, you were able to spoil me and baby boy even more than an uncle could. trust & believe i appreciated that more than you know. the times you would take to call and check in are unmatched. i think about the first time you had me try alcohol. GREY GOOSE. at 15. thanks for that, because that shit sent me down a huge spiral of negativity when college started but since then, i have been cleaning my act up. you will always be the one credited to giving me my first sip of alcohol. and then after i learned how to smoke, you helped me out any time you could. let’s be real – you were the edible king. sometimes i was so sad i lived so far away because i couldn’t drive to get a real good edible or some shit. lmao. but either way, you are someone who i admire and desire to emulate. even though you were a player and had your pick of the litter, what most importantly mattered to me was that no one ever had anything bad to say to you or about you. peaceful, forward-thinking, hard-working…that is you & thank you for that. thank you for teaching me how to take that on, and i will carry a piece of you for the rest of my days. i love you BAM. i miss you. you were taken so abruptly and it blows. but i know you wouldn’t want me to fret and would just want me to continue being a real ass nigga like you always advise me to.

-always,

GoDdaMn.

amen. asé.

-gg

 

 

wave.

i woke up this morning with a migraine. or i should say, in the middle of the night with one. it was so bad that getting up to go pee, which happens probably more than it should for the regular person in the middle of the night, was a struggle. i was stumbling and was pretty much incapable of moving. this isn’t the first time that i’ve had migraines in the middle of the night, but it was the first time in quite some time that it had happened. i was completely incapable of really doing anything, but knew i had responsibilities at work i needed to accomplish. therefore i tried to sleep it off a little longer and just showed up a couple hours later. that was the beginning of my day, and it was one of the biggest struggles to leave the house after already being in it for as long as i was this morning. however, i realized that in just working four hours, i was satisfied. like, i mean, if this was a regular thing – girl bitch. it would be a wrap.

this time in between eclipses is so intense for some reason, and i feel like this morning potentially could have been a huge download that was a lot to take in, and movements going forward are going to change pretty quickly. a theme of this year for me is expansion, and i see it all around me in different ways. if you think about how you want to expand your life and how you want to see things differently, send energy towards that visualization. the more that you allow it to become a reality in your mind, the more you’ll strive to secure that it is. it won’t distract you or scare you in any way – you will actually want to fight to make it real. and that’s where i’m kinda staying at when it comes to my life and the way i want to see it. i know there are changes that i want to make and i have been feeling the urge more and more to make them in slight ways, but i am also taking my time to ensure that the energy is proper. for me, i can’t do something and not be truly invested. i half-ass it, and then bomb it. and i am the type of person that has to and loves to give their all to everything. therefore whatever comes my way, i am ready.

this week in therapy, i was able to think about my core beliefs. these are things that arise when you talk about yourself and what you think about yourself. these are simple thoughts that allow other branches of thought to stem from them, and this exercise was quite an exercise to experience. i was forced to dig to the smallest seed of doubt and then explain why it’s become a tree of death in my life that’s taking up space. now, i’m working on getting rid of the tree, straight from the ground, and making mince meat of it to prove the worth that i possess. i encourage you to do the same.

i don’t know where this was supposed to go, and sometimes i may not have a direct message. but at the same time, an honest man is a good man. i’m working on learning how to continue to be honest, but also make sure i am heard at the same time. it’s a struggle when others hear what they want to but we can dictate how that actually looks. and in time, it will all make sense. i’m ready for the ride this year feels like it’s going to be. aren’t you? it’s electric.

amen. asé.

-gg

when enough is enough [throwback].

this post was written on february 3, 2015. i sometimes like to go back to old posts and show where i was/what i was experiencing and just show how and where i’ve been when it comes to the writing.

“Do you ever wonder where you are supposed to be in life because where you currently are isn’t what you want or where you imagined yourself being? How does that make you feel when you initially have that realization? I know for myself, I’ve been having this struggle with feeling like I’m not doing enough because I ~think~ I know what my desires are, when I truly do not know what God has in store for me. I think this becomes the final situation – not really knowing what God has in store for you and trying to make things happen that He may not foresee in His plan. And that is frustrating because we are going through life basically as a guessing game. Every decision that you make has a consequence, and sometimes the consequences that result from every decision are less than ideal. I can honestly say that my move to New York/New Jersey was a decision I made based off of what I thought I wanted. Now, I moved here because I was so adamant about being closer to my friends from college. That decision proved to be quite a stupid decision when I first arrived because I felt like all of my relationships were falling apart. Do I know why? Somewhat – I think that my drinking habits and just my antics were getting under the skin of my friends because they were always confronted with some situation that was less than ideal for me. This didn’t make me feel good, of course, but it also made me feel like I was losing the people that I was closest to. When you move somewhere expecting to have a certain kind of rapport with people and this does not necessarily happen the way you want it to, it dampens your spirit. It makes you regret all of the decisions you made prior that led you up to that point. When I told you I regret going out with my friends, I regret drinking, I regret even moving out this way…that was the mentality that I had for such a long time. I think this coupled with my decision to go back into teaching made my whole situation less than ideal. I knew that when I moved to New York, I did not want to be a teacher. Why, you ask? I know that teaching has been in my life for quite some time. I’ve taught in different capacities since the age of 19. I just wanted a change. Even though I feel like this job is something I have a knack for, I just know that deep down this isn’t going to be where I see myself forever. The question then becomes….well, how long? When is enough enough? You know that truly, you do not want to be where you are and you’re in this place that consistently makes you regret a decision that you made some time ago every day. But when is it time to throw in the towel? That becomes the biggest frustration and the biggest decision to make: when to quit what you aren’t really feeling.

Everything cannot be cut off as soon as you want it to be cut off, and I’m starting to realize that. Whether it’s a relationship that you have been holding onto, a habit that you know is less than ideal, or a place that you don’t see yourself at…it’s not that easy just to let it go. Believe me, I have had moments where I have cut things off quickly and regretted it and I have also been in a position to where I have held on for a long time and regretted it as well. This is the place that I’m at right now – learning when enough is enough. I think that one of the biggest factors into my displeasure with work is the travel. Commuting about 2 hours each way to get to a job that I don’t like is the pits. To me, it feels like I am putting in so much effort for something that I don’t even want to really engage in. This isn’t just me traveling 30 minutes to get to work – this is me making the conscious decision to wake up at 4:30 AM every day to get my life prepared to commute to work and get there by 6:45 AM every morning. To deal with over 400 little girls who of course don’t want to be there all the time, some come in with the worst attitudes, not paying attention, peeing all over themselves…the works. I can honestly say that 5 times out of 10, I am okay with dealing with all of these kids and their quirks. The other times, my attitude is not pleasant enough to deal with all of their dramatics and have to be the adult and reprimand them for the decisions that they are making that are less than ideal. Shit, if I was their age, I would want to be sleeping or eating or playing a video game or laying up under my mother as well, not reading and doing math and learning about science and standing in perfect HALLS and sitting like a prissy little “respectful” girl (because let’s be real, this is a white construct of what is acceptable in the work world and a number of these girls will be successful but don’t have to follow the status quo but that’s another story for another day). I’m like the WORST one to stay on top of their asses for things that I truly don’t give a hot damn about and this is where the frustration comes to fruition – making myself the authority when I am honestly just a big kid at heart and I think that trying to make yourself fun yet strong yet understanding is the way that things should go. And every time that I feel like I’m doing that, it’s not acceptable by the “status quo” or the standard for the system I work for. And who wants to feel like them being their true selves is unacceptable at your job? I also feel like this is part of the issue when it comes to dealing with coworkers. Dealing with my coworkers sometimes feels like I’m back in high school. The cliques, the shit talking between one person to another, and the gossip…it’s just like, is this really what I want in life? Is there something I’m missing as to why I don’t feel the need to act this way and others do?

Maybe this is just the struggle I am facing being a transplant from being a student to being a professional. I miss just being able to do what the fuck I wanted, when I wanted, not having anyone clock my tea or my every move, and showing up for class and barely having to do shit. It’s been a long time since I have been having to hold myself ~truly~ accountable to certain things and I know that when I was in school I was slacking hella fucking hard. Smoking weed all the time with my main bitch, drinking hella much with my main bitch, doing other drugs and getting into lots of trouble with the police…….but I always showed up to class and I always showed up to teach my students. So who fucking cared? It feels like now, I’ve had to put the brakes on my ~real ass life~ and starting living this ~fake adulthood~ lifestyle that I’m not really adapting to as well as I thought that I would. So why am I? Because I feel like I have no choice. And that’s what brings me to the overall point of this job. Sometimes, you have to do things because you have to. That’s simply it. There’s no cutting corners. There’s no trying to avoid the shit. Sometimes, you just have to pull up your big girl pants, suck it the fuck up, and push through as best as possible. This doesn’t mean that you have to lose yourself in the process – you have to just figure out what is going to work the best for you at the end of the day. Everything does not have to be perfect because you aren’t. But at the same token, you can only do the best that you can everyday. If you waking up and making your presence known is the best that you can do….well, fucking go you. If you feel like running a half marathon, sucking some dick, and finding the cure for cancer all in 24 hours….well girl, you fucking go do that shit. You should never feel guilty for being authentic and functioning in your reality. But when you feel like you’re going to go over the deep end…well, that’s when it’s time to make a decision. I know that I have not been 100% burnt out by where I am right now…but I know that in time, I will be over it. Is that in another 5 months? Is that in another year? Is that in another 4 years? I honestly don’t know. But here’s my other gem: ask God to give you the clarity that you’re searching for. No matter what you think, the Lord is always listening. He’s always watching. He’s always observant…as hell at that. Therefore, you may just have to ask Him when it’s time for you to make that next step. He knows when enough is enough. As long as you wait, He will give you the sign on when it’s that time to make a move to do something else. Until then, just continue to be the best you that you can. Live your life. Get your life. Make mistakes. Make changes. Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan. Seriously, do your best whenever you feel like you can. And the reward from surviving a hellacious day is so much better for the spirit than surviving from a day where you feel like you half-assed it and knew you could do better. Hold that.”

 

what a place i was in.