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neva scared.

happy astrological new year? is it just me, or have things been extremely hectic this whole week? this has felt like the longest week on the face of the planet. i understand that we just had a whole equinox + the supermoon (in my moon sign of libra so SHIT) that happened this past week but my goodness…my body is just kaput. a perfect example of such is today: i was not feeling good when i was awakened by my stomach at 4:30 in the morning. my alarm doesn’t go off until 6:55 everyday. now i’m laying there and thankfully, i had some friends to talk to while i’m sitting there in pain, unable to really move. i start the process of trying to get ready for work WAY EARLIER than normal, but since i’m feeling well, it’s just not working. my body is aching and it’s tired. my throat was a little dry and my stomach felt like the circus was having a free-for-all. i also started to get that nauseous feeling that hinders me from moving too much, but i know i want to try and teach some of my classes. there are days where i try and sleep it off and push through, and then there are days where there is just no returning. today was one of those come in a little later, do what i got to do, and dip as soon as i get the green light to go…and i sit here right now in sweats and a hoodie in front of a space heater just trying to stay warm and pray that my migraine goes away. i actually was walking up stairs at work and had to sit on the steps to take a break. this just shows me that my body is trying to gather its strength back in order to function at its best capacity and it needs a little more care, which i know i need to give myself.

but that’s not really what i wanted to talk about – i just wanted to acknowledge how wild this week has been! this week felt like the slowest week in quite some time, and it felt like there was so much going on. since we have stepped into this new season of abundance, there have been so many signs that i have been paying attention to, downloading, and allowing my chakras to help sense out what’s best for me and what is going to help propel me forward. as someone who is breaking the tradition of being a perfectionist (as they’ve always been their whole life), I am beginning to realize the beauty in just ‘being present’ is something that is unmatched. going with your heart and your intuition is what drives us all the time. those things excite us. they make us want to keep pushing. i’ve been doing a lot of work in regards to finding out what those things are and how to live that life of peace regularly. being drained everyday and not in the best way tends to weigh on your shoulders. this is where you figure out how to insert joy into your day your own personal way, and you let that manifest itself as time goes on.

something i was recently pushed to do was do tarot card readings on my IG live (@__sobredosis) in the mornings by a friend.  she told me to stop sleeping on myself and then something clicked for us…

before work, i always pull my own tarot and oracle cards for myself, but i decided to try and kick it up a notch this week doing it on IG live. even though i was extremely nervous at first, i was able to just breathe and show my process for grounding, and find myself through it without being affected as greatly as anticipated. people responded. it hit them. i got lots of positive feedback. and i felt at peace with it also. i’m grateful people gave me a chance, and i’m proud of myself for taking that leap. it made me begin to wonder what else there is at my disposal that i’m letting slide by the wayside way too often? what gifts are laying dormant? which gifts are highly prevalent, but are not being used to their fullest potential? figuring all of that out is part of a beautiful journey that i’m grateful to be a part of and make happen.  i also know that my gifts are made to be shared and i am dedicated to sharing them as time continues on.

the answers always won’t make sense, i’ve come to learn. all a bitch can do is have faith that things are going to be fine and my dreams will come true. the purpose and the path are slightly becoming more and more clear as days go by, and i look forward to what they become in the future. i have also learned to just trust what i know is right. i am the type of person at times that likes to please others for whatever fucking reason – blame it on looking for approval as a child for so long. however, sometimes people don’t have your best interest at heart and learning how to have faith in the decisions that you make that may be ‘unpopular’ is best for you. if we all followed those feelings instead of being worried about what others are going to say about what we are doing…then what’s the point? we are human. it hurts. it stings. but at the same time, it’s a lesson that helps drive you to where you want to go and allows you to make the decision on who and what is right for you.

the best part about it? no one knows the answers to the questions but you.

this is a great time for you to go inward and do some excavating to make room for all the new shit you want. there is abundance waiting on the other side. all it’s waiting for is you to put your bags down and come on over. when you accept the invitation towards your greatness briefcase, your life will change. then, it’s time for you to hit the road running. small steps is all the universe is asking for you. and you’ll evolve along with it. you just need to be open and let that heart chakra receive and that throat chakra expel.

stay encouraged, even when you don’t feel like your mission is hitting the way you want it to. invest in people that will push you to be your best self and vibrate on the same plane you do and hold you down. everyone’s advice isn’t sound advice, and a truly trained intuition knows what’s gucci and what isn’t. there are always going to be snakes in the grass, and it’s your job to pay attention to whom and what you allow yourself to be a part of. trust yourself, and let the Universe guide you the rest of the way.

your job during this time period is to start planning how you want to move in your truth. the time is now for you to move your chess piece and break the ice. are you ready to play the game towards your victory? let’s dive in…because i came ready to play this season.

amen. asé.

-gg

passion.

the soul just follows what it wants to follow when it wants to follow it. this is the realization that i am coming to, and it really takes you being present and listening to yourself to know what your body needs in that moment and feeding not just that, but your soul.

i relate that to the idea of me writing. the last time that i actually curated something has been some time. it isn’t that i haven’t wanted to. it’s like i listen to my body and i start…and just stop. or some of these posts just don’t make the cut because i don’t know how to expound upon them in a way that doesn’t expose myself. *insert emoji that looks like it just farted here*. i have always heard and been under the motto of ‘you don’t force it because when you do, you’re just pushing yourself’ and i don’t have time for that. i already struggle with focus and just staying on top of things, so who wants to add more to that.

these days, i always struggle with thinking about what this blog should be giving. but i realize that talking about my life and my journey and the small parts i’m willing to share (or huge if you look at it that way) subconsciously, my mind always goes to what i grew up hearing – ‘keep your business to yourself’ or ‘no one should be knowing what goes on behind closed doors’ and i have been realizing how toxic that belief is, and why that has forced people like me to suppress feelings for so many years. i think it’s because i have always been told that my emotions and stuff like that aren’t the most important things to really pay attention to. it hasn’t been explicitly said, but it was something that wasn’t necessarily valued. and working through the idea of feeling emotions, being present, clearing them out to make room for new…yeah. all of that is the goal, the hole, all of that shit. and daily, i always feel like i’m coming across new revelations. it’s because i have opened my heart and my spirit to receiving them. what i want to push you to do, if you’re reading this, is to take a step back and just be present in your spirit and body. like, actually look at everything around you. process, think, and let it go. write it down if it needs to be revisited. but then also give yourself grace to move on.

that’s such a hard concept for people to consider at times – the idea of just letting go and moving on. and it takes sometime to get. but if it’s completed…child, you’ll be so much more grateful than you’ve ever been before in your life. just trust in that.

right now, i’m excited to move out of emotional pisces season because i have a feeling it’s setting us up for a fiery aries season full of moves, expansion, growth and great work coming our way. stay encouraged. today, i pulled this oracle card talking about my spirit is being called for great stuff. it speaks about passions being ignited and how it is time to let your soul soar! new beginnings, ideas, revelations, and exciting adventures are awaiting. when i pull, i pull for myself to be of service to the collective and i want you all to have a strong surge of spiritual strength the rest of this weekend. it’s meant for you. stay encouraged and stay powerful. you have it. we’re halfway through march, which is hell month for teachers. i’ve suffered extreme sickness, lost 15 pounds (hey SLIMFAT BABY!!!) and here i am. just pushing on. i’m setting the intention of being healthy and being even more financially stable than i am now and increase and productivity are on the horizon for us all. believe.

-asé. amen.

-gg

don’t stop dancing

as the old folks say, i’m burning the midnight oil. why? i just felt like it needed to be done. being on the brink of a breakthrough is a bitch, i tell you. it legitimately tests your patience and everything that you have inside of you in order to make sure that you are ready for what’s ahead. you are fortifying every portion of your soul in order to ascend to that next level. it truly takes practice, dedication, and a willingness to expand in order for you to be able to get there. not everyone is chosen. not everyone is able. not everyone is willing. and that’s something that i have to continually put into perspective.

when it comes, you take it. when it’s not there, don’t force it. when you need to take a step back, do it. these obvious thought patterns are things that should come natural, but at times are a little more………difficult to follow through with just because of the way life is set up. you know, when you’re open and a little naïve it can be a little much when you’re trying to figure out the best path for you. it takes a huge level of faith in self and trust in order for that to be a thing. the things that we cannot see are the things that will take us to the location in which we desire.

lately, i feel like i have been having an out of body experience at times. like i wake up sometimes and don’t feel like myself and can’t really pinpoint what’s wrong. i have these waves of emotions throughout the day. like i’m fine then i am not. i’m good then i’m aggy. it kinda just comes and goes in a way. i’m also working on allowing all of these emotions to exist and sitting with them. a lot of the time i’m trying to stuff them down because i’m trying to hide them from people. i get ashamed of being emotional or having so much going on in front of people because i never want people to peg me as unstable or talking too much or too open. i feel like if you got me talking, that’s better than not and a lot of people don’t understand that’s my reality. as a person with social anxiety on trillion navigating this world in a sober body, it is such an experience that you all don’t even understand…if I didn’t have grounding or at least attempt to do such, i would be even further off the path to greatness than i am now, and i know i am slowly but surely encroaching. there are just some self-sabotaging thoughts i have to rid self of and also remember to put a lot of love in the bucket for me in order to get through.

i don’t know. just keep fighting, girl. your manifestations are coming. your blessings aren’t blocked. you’re learning every day. just take a deep breath, download, trust, and run with the shit G.

 

on the run.

Mobile thoughts. You know. Thoughts on the go. Something I have often but rarely get to share. As I see the random wypipo around me and I blast K-Pop, I wonder 2 things:

1) Where are they going?

2) Can they hear me going ham over here with the tunes?

A lot of time I begin to think about all the random people around me and sweat. Social anxiety is something I’ve been battling for a long time. Riding the train or the bus is an experience especially on bad days and I have to be somewhere. My stomach starts to hurt sometimes. I have to practice deep inhales and breaths in order to calm myself down. And I try to avoid taking my anxiety medication because I don’t wanna take my doses too early. Like right now all of a sudden I’m feeling nausea. I just looked around while standing on the platform, started thinking about something I forgot to do (drop this offering off to my Ancestors before I left the house) and started feeling icky. I don’t know why. This seems to be a cycle. This morning I woke up feeling that way (this man just bumped himself into my knee and then looked at me like I was in the wrong and it took me a second to not snap back and I remembered my stomach was in knots, this is why I hate riding the train because people ughhh) and I didn’t want to leave.

This is a recurring cycle. I feel like or wonder what is gonna change that. Sometimes I wonder if it’s diet related. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my body. Someone recently mentioned something and it makes me wonder if any of these feelings have to do with that. Then the thoughts that flow through my head are things I hear from people I work with in regards to just me being at work and I start getting agitated because I swear, my mind never stops running. It’s like 18 tabs open.

Stomach hurts > don’t want to go to work > was just spoken to about “consistency” and showing up at work > thinking about how that would translate at another job and if I would be having the same issues if I was happy > does that building have demons in it? > I just want to be released of all responsibility that makes me go there > how can I get a salary and still live life in a way that allows me to be financially stable > I know my Ancestors are telling me to be patient > wow I love BLACKPINK maybe I should get those tickets > I want to travel more right now and this stupid job hinders that > what if I traveled for work? I just wanna write and shit for life > my spiritual side has guidance and I’m trying to listen to it > my stomach is really hurting and I just want to get to a stable location or the pain to go away > why isn’t that medication helping?

Yeah, this is literally one glimpse and one of the “nicer” glimpses. I tend to be all over the place but after my conversation with my baba I know I have to work on giving myself love and being really patient with myself and I’m trying to do that. But it’s hard to be patient when everything just feels wrong and you want it to stop. I know I have to stay trusting and that’s what I’m trying to do right now. Faith is what is unseen. Believing in that divine feminine. Before I left today my card pull was about gnomes and dwarves while also reminding myself to rejoice about how much growth I’ve been. Me being on this train right now today is a huge jump. Especially from where I was. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. At one point (especially when I was drinking) I was able to function better. And I use that word function lightly. It was more of a sense like I was just moving through life without awareness. Now that I’m aware it’s like my body has become that much more of a being of spiritual sensing. It’s like feeling all the nasty in the world and trying to release and purge it all healthily. I’ve been more emotional the last couple months than ever in my life. Like sometimes crying at the drop of a hat. Trying to speak about what’s going on in my head. Not to everyone but the fact is I’m starting. I’m healing from my last relationship that did a wonder on my brain but I’m grateful that I had my relationship honestly. But I am transitioning more into self love on a deeper level than I had before and that’s intense and necessary.

Also. I hear you signs. It is time to move on. But I gotta wait a bit. My horoscope said to wait a second. Plan it out. I gotta make sure I have it all lined up. I am releasing all thoughts that make me feel like I wouldn’t be able to get a job anywhere else. I am a gem in any position I put my mind to. Whether it’s for someone else or for myself.

Do people do this anymore? Everyone is so scared to blog and talk about their personal life. Instead of just being open. That probably would change a lot of lives if we were just writing and being real. I hope this one shows someone out there that you aren’t alone, the sun is still shining so we have another day, and that I’m still going through it but I’m a warrior and so are you. But this is more for myself. I just invited you to my journey.

I love you. Thank you for reading.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

portals

it’s been about a week since i lost my journal. it’s been quite some time since i’ve written. a week really flies by these days, and time really just seems to be moving at a pace that i can’t even keep up with. journeying back to self is such an experience, and it’s something that has been taking up a lot of my energy and it’s more of like, i have this extreme desire to see myself grow and flourish. i know there’s work to be done (a lot of it at that) but at the same time, i know it can be done. i just need to dig deep and get there.

suspended in space, allowing the Universe to push me in whatever direction it will is where i have been lately. attempting to allow myself to figure out what is going on around me has been a priority.

–scratches record mid-writing–

I don’t know why the fuck I been sitting here trying to stop myself from writing “I’ve” so much. I don’t know why I was feeling shameful for owning my truth and what has been going on. I have been thinking that this blog has to show up some kind of way, or just be formatted in some specific design and fuck all that, I’m just in this space of letting it out and purging, making it more about what’s really going on instead of trying to be elusive as a writer. That isn’t authentic and I’m not about to just switch it up because it doesn’t feel right. So lemme continue.

–allows record to start playing again–

Shit has been a whirlwind lately. It’s like half the time, I’m throwing up from only God knows what. It’s like I wake up sick and I’m tired of it. I’m getting tired of the energy I’m having to exert regularly in my place of work. Sometimes, I truly wish I would just get let go because I feel like I’m too pussy to quit. I also have been in this mentality of like, trying to figure out what to do in order to clarify my thoughts. And make the path a bit clearer for me. My horoscope says its not time to leap and we know miss Retrograde is coming, but I know that in due time I need to make my timely exit.

I can’t even function as a regular human being anymore. A week ago, it was all so simple. I was able to just wake up, ease into my day, write, do what I had to do personally, etc. I could feel myself getting closer back with my spiritual self. I was finding myself more grounded in that time >> well, until the weekend when I had my slight relapse. And that was me harming myself because of me basically holing myself up away from people for so long, not being on my medication (yes – I take medication to help me stray away from alcohol and I had run out and not gotten it refilled yet so I was a bit more weak but I’m not placing blame on that, I just was antsy) and I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of that. I also have been playing this game online and it’s been taking up my nights for the past two weeks and I can’t wait to see the footages from it. It’s like this mixture of me being busy with things, but not wanting to be busy with things. And wanting to be more ambitious with being busy towards more things.

I’m also feeling very resistant towards people these days and I don’t know why. Like, it’s easier said than done to be like all up in someone’s face. Or have the desire to be. Most of the time, I’m in the place of just like trying to stray away to basically be lazy and not engage. That’s my defense mechanism.

Today I was doing my tarot pulls and got these lovely cards.

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I just see so much prosperity around me and I know that there is a breakthrough on the horizon. My mother even said it to me last week when I lost my phone from being an accidental drunken hot mess of a bitch – there are powers working against me that are trying to hinder me from growing and having greatness. I’ve allowed myself to be open to energies that were not allowing me to be my best self. I was around situations that I didn’t trust. I’m still in some now, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have success in the future. I have to figure out how to make it all work for me, and these are some pretty tell-tale signs that things will be alright. I just have to look out onto the horizon like I said before, and remember that things will come my way if I believe. And I know they will. My goal is to stay grounded throughout this whole experience.

Real talk moment insert here: my fingers hurt from typing and my body is cramping up. I’m getting old.

Back to the story. I just feel like there are so many blessings that I am ready to receive and I am working on having the patience that is necessary to achieve them. My ancestors want to bless me and I haven’t been giving them their regards as is. I got dragged yesterday for that and I’ve been hollering at them. I need to do more talking. I’ve been having this battle for a long time with just accepting my spiritual gifts and spiritual portion and not worrying about what other people have to think, and with me following all of the shit that finds its way to me, I see myself finding truth and grounding.

I just felt a vision or saw a vision of me being somewhere abroad on an island, somewhere Spanish speaking, it feels like my soul is linked to this prior life of mine in a native Spanish-speaking land conjuring up shit like the brujo or prophet that I am trying to avoid being labelled as because I don’t want people to think I’m crazy or my mother to go crazy. Meh.

I’m tired of hiding out. I’m ready to stand out and shine. I was meant to be in the spotlight even the way that I’m built . . shy as hell. I welcome that energy on.

Amen. Asé.

-gg