Sitting back, fighting the wave of grief that is bound to hit is one of the worst feelings. You know that they exist, but you can’t do anything to eradicate them fully from your being. The cycle is so stupid and regular, I can’t even begin to explain how ridiculous it is that I have submitted myself to this for at least 5 years.
Sunday rolls around. I wake up and realize that it’s the last day of freedom that I have before submitting myself back to the fire and the flame. What is the fire and the flame? WORK. Work is literally the bane of my existence at times. I honestly believe that I was put on earth NOT to work, but to heal. And healing doesn’t feel like work. It just feels like life. Here I am on this Sunday, clearer than I ever have been before about the toxic cycle that I have perpetuated in my life. The butterflies start to hit around 5 PM, because I know that the day is almost over and I’m going to have to return back to normal life, which kills me. Have you ever been somewhere or felt something negative so strongly that your body has a visceral reaction? That’s how I feel when it comes to getting up on a Monday morning to go deal with personalities, people, and situations that drain the daylights out of me. At one point after work, all I could muster up was the energy to get home and sleep. No creativity coursed through my veins. No energy towards doing something productive was even a question. All that was prescribed was a nap. As time has gotten along, the naps have just become replaced with sickness. They’ve become replaced with throwing up, being overwhelmed and agitated because of a trigger that may have been tripped over earlier that day, or just being completely out of it that I cannot move. And this isn’t the first year…this is year five.
As one can imagine, the body has begun to revolt in regards to not wanting to do the work. Like, it can’t even fake it anymore which is really unfortunate because I’m the one that has to endure the daily pain. Wondering how I am going to make it out of bed. Being in such bad shape until about noon, and then feeling pressure to get things done and not being able to focus. It’s like all sense of self is lost at times, and the collision between the person that used to be able to do this and survive compared to the person now who has no time for the bullshit…it’s like night and day. They don’t know each other anymore. The real person has surfaced, and it doesn’t want to go back to who it was before. It enjoys where it’s at, and it doesn’t want to change that for anyone. And I like that…I value that…I appreciate that. Stepping into your truth can be one of the scariest things to do, but once you start ascending to that level of truth, it becomes a wrap for anything that doesn’t serve your greater good. I’ve been learning this the hardest way and also realizing the strength of self that I carry to have the desire to make a difference. Congratulations to you if you’re here also – you know what your value is and what is going to work for you and what isn’t. Owning the truth can be a daunting task at times…but when you finally step into that realm of reality and don’t apologize for being yourself……..you can’t turn back. Like at all. It’s a wrap – just get used to it. LOL. This is the space that I am inhabiting and I am not ashamed to take up space anymore. Move into a place of owning your space and not letting anyone tell you differently about how you should be moving. You are the author of that, and allow your Universal guides to help you see what is going to work for you in the long run.
But now here I am, thinking about what is next. What is on the horizon. There is joy in these beliefs, these thoughts, these desires for life changes…but there is also always going to be something on the back-end that you have to deal with. When you stop worrying about what is going to happen and just leap, that’s when you’re taken care of. I’m grateful to God and my Spirit guides for always keeping me covered when I’ve jumped before. All I ask now is that it continues to be as such and I don’t feel shame in any of the jumps that I make. I don’t….but I want to make sure that I land in the right place overall. I know everything is a process. But getting out of the toxic situation is the first step. It’s like leaving an abusive husband because you know him well and you know his quirks, how he moves, what to expect…….but knowing that you are tired of being hurt physically, emotionally, spiritually……..and I am ready to escape. Just like J-Lo in that movie. It’s time for me to whoop ass and get the fuck. You heard?
I welcome positive life changes into my life and into the lives of those reading. I welcome new careers, opportunities, and abundance for anyone reading this. I claim strength in any and every situation.
New things are on the horizon. The energy is making people want to buckle down. Get with it and find where you’re supposed to be. It’ll be worth it.