breakup: an ode to a dumb bitch.

the first time i met you, i hated you. you made me sick. i remember being introduced to you, being told that it would help me to become a man. that was a distant memory ago…almost fifteen years. i never thought i would see you again.

three years later however, you appeared in my life during a tumultuous time. i was free! i was able to do whatever i so choose. and all the cool kids were doing it. being able to cop you was something for a couple of years that was illegal to do, so getting other friends to help a brotha out when it came to enjoying you was one of the things i found super exciting. there was a sense of fellowship you brought. a sense of just having fun. you used to make me escape from the realities of what was going on around me. bad grades. friendships and feeling like i wasn’t worthy of being friends with the people i would have killed to give my left kidney to. and i found solace in you instead of finding you as just a fun time here and there. you still made me sick, but you always gave me the time to be able to recount what happened the night before with others (sometimes alone) with either happiness or a huge bout of shame.

i remember never wanting to let you go. you became a staple in my life. you became something that everywhere i turned, everyone wanted to hang out with you. and because i was so desperate to be a part of the in-crowd, because i was struggling with loving myself for my weight, my eczema, my belief that i actually mattered…you helped me to be in spaces that would help me erase all those thoughts and actually have…fun again.

baby, you followed me everywhere. after moving once again, i found myself in a space where you were the most accessible i had ever had in my life, and the new group of people that i was able to spend time with treated you as their savior. it was the custom in their culture to be able to have you come chill out with us, and i began to feel myself even more. dance. be free. not worry about my obligations completely. you saved me from hurting myself, it felt like…until the next morning when i would hear about the damage you and i would experience. i also was in spaces where i didn’t have people who thought twice about what we were doing. you forced me to fight strangers. you forced me to act beside myself and completely end up places i didn’t want to. you allowed me to sleep with strangers even though i didn’t want to. you manipulated me into believing that running around the streets without clothes was a smart idea until the police came and saved me. and i never saw you, even then, as someone who was hurting me. you continued to whisper in my ear that this is what life was and what it was supposed to be for me. and i just accepted that. i didn’t question you at all.

you made me angry. you made me disappear and run away a lot. you manipulated me into thinking that all of the pain and despair i was experiencing would go away because you would help me. you and i became best friends because i felt like you were the only person that was there for me in a way that no one else would ever understand. you helped me to erase my hurt.

and then you had me get arrested. because i wasn’t in my right mind. i remember after talking to you one night (well, we chit chatted and then you took me out) waking up to a hospital bed, chained, being told that i was arrested. you made me go through probation. you told me that i would be okay and those situations were just part of the process, but there was no reason to break up with you. because i trusted you and you were still there.

you made me pee on myself quite often. you made me hurt others in the process of acting out. you told me that others wouldn’t get me and that i was your only salvation no matter what. you told me that the triggers and traumas that i couldn’t get out of my head from all the sexual assaults i experienced would go away. you made me want to talk about them to strangers, not even the friends that i thought i could trust to understand. you completely changed my brain to all i knew…was to be dependent on you to see me through.

your presence in my life forced me to hurt the ones that were closest to me. and apologies to them never went over well. but you always forgave me and wanted me to come back and see about you.

and i did.

because the flesh is weak, and my mind and spirit believed that you weren’t going to hurt me anymore.

i gave you up for quite some time because one day, you and i decided to go out for an evening and you made me pass out. you had me ridiculed by people i thought were friends. you allowed others to take pictures of me and allow it to float around social media because you knew that this wasn’t that big of a deal. but you weren’t the one that had to wake up and seize the day again. you got me evicted. you and i were homeless together. but yet and still, you were the one that stayed around.

i knew it was time to take a step back from you. you beckoned and called me for ages. you always would pop up in spaces that i wanted to attend, but was scared that i would hurt myself or others again. you stopped my friends from talking in the sense of ‘saving me’, and it worked…for a little while. and then the old traumas began to rear their ugly head. and you found me again in my lowest state.

you and i became friends again. i forgave you. i thought because i had some time to re-evaluate our relationship, we would be able to walk hand in hand into the sunlight.

well, i am here to tell you.

you’re one manipulative, no-good, stank bitch. you’re a liar.

nothing good came from it. ever.

and because of me continuing to age and you were not, i saw myself just falling back into old habits. this time, it wasn’t as worse as when we became friends. but i noticed how you tended to take away my identity. my self. my heart of gold. a heart i couldn’t share with others, and was fearful of the repercussions that my truth would make others feel.

you were the only person i felt like was truly there that supported me. but it was all a facade. you played me. you wrecked my life. and i can’t forgive you for that. you made me an addict.

now, i’ve realized how evil you are. i see others engage with you and pray for their safety. i see you move on from me and work on others, trying to take them out the game. but guess what, honey?

i found my soul again. i found my spirit again. i realized my beauty once more. i haven’t completely come to terms with it all. but that takes times. but i will let you know that alcohol, you were the devil that i danced with for 14 years. and i don’t want to go back to the self loathing.

the loss of friendships.

the loss of myself.

the loss of my heart.

the loss of my intelligence.

the loss of my sense of peace.

the disappointment in self i have felt for years.

the loss of recognizing my talents and my beauty.

 

at this point. i’m ready to square up with you on site. you’ve taken so much of my life away from me, and now i’m reclaiming it back. because of you, i can’t function without mood stabilizers. i can’t function without medication to tell me that you are the devil and don’t belong in my spirit. my depression, anxiety, PTSD, former self-hate have a couple of words they wanted to share.

 

you don’t belong here anymore.

 

it sucks living in a city where socializing is all around drinking and going out. i suffer from social anxiety so i love to be lubricated. but for now…i’m just going to call on my Ancestors, my Higher Power, my deities, God Himself, to keep me here.

i won’t lose. that’s ONE thing that’s not in my DNA.

amen. asé.

-gg

Tarot Pull – 8.10.18 – Elebba/Eleguá/Eleggua

Happy Friday, friends, spristas, and family! Today is the day before the New Moon, which is in Leo and it’s a Super New Moon. There is also a partial Solar Eclipse happening, and this all goes down tomorrow early in the morning at 5:57 AM. As a Scorpio, I’m taking my time to rest and just prepare for all of the shit that is about to go down tomorrow to essentially be the final chapter of what we have been experiencing. I’m ready for a restart in so many ways, and know I am in control along with my Higher Power to usher in that energy. Remember, there are legit six planets in retrograde currently (Mars, Saturn, Neptune, Pluto, Mercury, and now Uranus as of this week) so if you have been feeling all over the place emotionally, don’t think that it’s just because of you being crazy. The Universe and the cosmos are literally all over the place right now. If you have been seeing old things/issues come to the surface, and you’ve been trying to start anew or make amends to things, this is the perfect time to make sure that you prepare intentions for this new phase in your life and what you want to see happening. Lessons are wrapping up, and you have the ability to create and manifest what you want to see actually happening in your life, and leave all that other mess at the door.

The New Moon in Leo will truly make you focus on what makes you happy, and allow you to do that final work in reflection on what routines, habits, and actions you need to take in order to function at your personal best. It’s truly a time to let go of the past, and look towards the future, remembering that everything can change at the drop of a dime if you make the efforts to do such with a positive mindset. Remember that post on motivation I had? This is an optimal time to finishing figuring out what doors you want to close, and what roads you want to open towards your path to happiness, success, and your own personal truth. Things will start to become even more clearer to you than ever before, so take heed as to what your intuition is leading you to, and how you feel in any and all situations. Since this is a Super New Moon, it’s gonna be wild, so hold onto your socks!

Today’s tarot pull is SUPER timely, and I find it interesting that it’s what I pulled today because of what is happening around me personally, and happening with the Universe tomorrow. Today, I pulled the card Elebba/Eleggua.

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“Eleggua is the patron of all doors and of all roads. Therefore the magical keys to open the most inviolable locks and the permits to walk the different paths that humanity will travel belong to him.”

In the title, you may notice that I referenced this card many a ways. Dependent upon the background that one may understand the Orishas, Elebba/Eleggua/Eleguá may be spelled differently, but it all means the same thing. He is the one that is the door opener, and the one that opens new paths towards what is designed for you. Most people who practice Santería, Candomblé, or Palo Mayombe believe him to be the “master of force”, and you must have his approval before moving down the path that you seek. He is the protector of villages and cities and towns, and his image is to be placed behind or close to the entrance of the house. If you think about it, your comings in and goings out have to be blessed in order to manifest the dreams and truth that you want.

This morning during my dice divination, I rolled a 3 and a 6. This just shows me that I’m right where the energy needs to be, as I continue pulling info from my companion booklet.

“He is made up of the soil of three or seven crossroads, water from three or seven rivers, rain collected three or seven times during the third or seventh month or in three or seven months of the year…etc.” I think that this three that I rolled shows that he’s present in this reading and telling me and you all that the roads are here to be walked down. I think of some personal doors that I am opening and working on, and how motivated I’ve been feeling for a change or for something new and exciting to be a part of my path. This just soothes my spirit, knowing that everything that is happening right now is coming in divine timing. I also think of what doors I’ve been working on closing lately, and how that has been helping me to be a better person and feel in a much better space.

Have you gotten a new job lately? Have you been feeling a push towards tackling a new venture? Have you been given a job promotion, or found a new passion in doing something? This could be because the energies around you are supporting you in feeling this. Don’t sleep on this energy – go with it, but don’t tire yourself out from it. Be patient with yourself – it’s all coming together.

The meaning of this card is related to jobs, mainly. “There will be progress in one’s work or job. Abundant productivity. Profitable advertising campaign; your message will be well-received. Tempting and practicable offers. Vitality.”

This is super exciting for me to pull and show you all today because it means that there is something coming that is amazing. The work that you have been putting in is coming to pass, and the Universe is going to give you great karma back if you have been giving the best of yourself to it.

Personally, I know that I have been staying motivated with writing here as much as possible, trying to stay on top of other goals that I have (and I also just finished this super awesome goals worksheet from my girlfriend, Destiny, that helped me to focus on getting in the gym and holding myself accountable for it – you should check her current site out and her new site dropping next month!!!). I have also just thinking about how all of what I’m doing and the energy I’m putting out is being received, first for myself, and then in light of what I want to see manifest in my life even further. As an empath, I’m always thinking of others, and I want to continue to be and shed that light for others, so I do this to help you all get closer towards your personal immaculate design.

This is also perfect timing because lots of doors that were open in my life that weren’t healthy for me are closing, and I’m seeing some of the mental emotional changes that I have been having. If you don’t know, I have had a tumultuous relationship with alcohol for the past …probably 10 years, and I’ve been getting the help that I need to make sure that I stay sober. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I’ve been taking the steps to realize that every day is a step towards a healthy life, and I’m working towards building even stronger relationships in my sobriety. I’m grateful for the work I have done and even though every day isn’t perfect, I’m sober and it’s progress, not perfection.

I know that the sacrifices that I am making and the intentions I am setting to lead a healthier, happier, more honest life are going to be momentous for me and others around me, and I send so much loving energy to you all as we transition into these new astrological moments coming forward.

Are you seeing some of your past doors closing? Are you ensuring that you’re doing work to keep them closed, and thanking yourself for working daily towards seeing what you want to see manifest itself? Remember that you are human and that you are not perfect – it’s all a process, and it all will come to pass if you allow it to. All you can do is just do your best on a regular basis in order to welcome that positivity and that energy. Allow yourself to be supported. Be patient.

I’m so ready for tomorrow – it feels like it’ll be the final exam for me before I start to see my new life completely manifesting itself the way I want to see it happening. Today, I plan on doing some vision setting. I would suggest you take some time to do this today or before Sunday. My birthday is a little less than two and a half months away, and I think this is the perfect time to envision what I want to see happening within the last couple of months before I turn 29. If I spend my time focusing my energy towards that today, who knows what will actually happen during that timeframe? You can never get too early a head start on your own spiritual awakening and your own graciousness coming to pass. I feel like the death of an old Gangsta Gurry has happened, and a new G is being reborn again. And I’m fucking with that energy.

I want you to stay hydrated today, stay positive, stay aligned, and be thankful for what you have accomplished thus far. Focus on what you can be grateful for today, and what has changed this year for you for the positive. There are so many little things you can be grateful for, and the more you welcome that energy into your life the more you’ll be able to manifest the life that you want.

Shine on, my friends.

Asé. Amen.

-gg