the first time i met you, i hated you. you made me sick. i remember being introduced to you, being told that it would help me to become a man. that was a distant memory ago…almost fifteen years. i never thought i would see you again.
three years later however, you appeared in my life during a tumultuous time. i was free! i was able to do whatever i so choose. and all the cool kids were doing it. being able to cop you was something for a couple of years that was illegal to do, so getting other friends to help a brotha out when it came to enjoying you was one of the things i found super exciting. there was a sense of fellowship you brought. a sense of just having fun. you used to make me escape from the realities of what was going on around me. bad grades. friendships and feeling like i wasn’t worthy of being friends with the people i would have killed to give my left kidney to. and i found solace in you instead of finding you as just a fun time here and there. you still made me sick, but you always gave me the time to be able to recount what happened the night before with others (sometimes alone) with either happiness or a huge bout of shame.
i remember never wanting to let you go. you became a staple in my life. you became something that everywhere i turned, everyone wanted to hang out with you. and because i was so desperate to be a part of the in-crowd, because i was struggling with loving myself for my weight, my eczema, my belief that i actually mattered…you helped me to be in spaces that would help me erase all those thoughts and actually have…fun again.
baby, you followed me everywhere. after moving once again, i found myself in a space where you were the most accessible i had ever had in my life, and the new group of people that i was able to spend time with treated you as their savior. it was the custom in their culture to be able to have you come chill out with us, and i began to feel myself even more. dance. be free. not worry about my obligations completely. you saved me from hurting myself, it felt like…until the next morning when i would hear about the damage you and i would experience. i also was in spaces where i didn’t have people who thought twice about what we were doing. you forced me to fight strangers. you forced me to act beside myself and completely end up places i didn’t want to. you allowed me to sleep with strangers even though i didn’t want to. you manipulated me into believing that running around the streets without clothes was a smart idea until the police came and saved me. and i never saw you, even then, as someone who was hurting me. you continued to whisper in my ear that this is what life was and what it was supposed to be for me. and i just accepted that. i didn’t question you at all.
you made me angry. you made me disappear and run away a lot. you manipulated me into thinking that all of the pain and despair i was experiencing would go away because you would help me. you and i became best friends because i felt like you were the only person that was there for me in a way that no one else would ever understand. you helped me to erase my hurt.
and then you had me get arrested. because i wasn’t in my right mind. i remember after talking to you one night (well, we chit chatted and then you took me out) waking up to a hospital bed, chained, being told that i was arrested. you made me go through probation. you told me that i would be okay and those situations were just part of the process, but there was no reason to break up with you. because i trusted you and you were still there.
you made me pee on myself quite often. you made me hurt others in the process of acting out. you told me that others wouldn’t get me and that i was your only salvation no matter what. you told me that the triggers and traumas that i couldn’t get out of my head from all the sexual assaults i experienced would go away. you made me want to talk about them to strangers, not even the friends that i thought i could trust to understand. you completely changed my brain to all i knew…was to be dependent on you to see me through.
your presence in my life forced me to hurt the ones that were closest to me. and apologies to them never went over well. but you always forgave me and wanted me to come back and see about you.
and i did.
because the flesh is weak, and my mind and spirit believed that you weren’t going to hurt me anymore.
i gave you up for quite some time because one day, you and i decided to go out for an evening and you made me pass out. you had me ridiculed by people i thought were friends. you allowed others to take pictures of me and allow it to float around social media because you knew that this wasn’t that big of a deal. but you weren’t the one that had to wake up and seize the day again. you got me evicted. you and i were homeless together. but yet and still, you were the one that stayed around.
i knew it was time to take a step back from you. you beckoned and called me for ages. you always would pop up in spaces that i wanted to attend, but was scared that i would hurt myself or others again. you stopped my friends from talking in the sense of ‘saving me’, and it worked…for a little while. and then the old traumas began to rear their ugly head. and you found me again in my lowest state.
you and i became friends again. i forgave you. i thought because i had some time to re-evaluate our relationship, we would be able to walk hand in hand into the sunlight.
well, i am here to tell you.
you’re one manipulative, no-good, stank bitch. you’re a liar.
nothing good came from it. ever.
and because of me continuing to age and you were not, i saw myself just falling back into old habits. this time, it wasn’t as worse as when we became friends. but i noticed how you tended to take away my identity. my self. my heart of gold. a heart i couldn’t share with others, and was fearful of the repercussions that my truth would make others feel.
you were the only person i felt like was truly there that supported me. but it was all a facade. you played me. you wrecked my life. and i can’t forgive you for that. you made me an addict.
now, i’ve realized how evil you are. i see others engage with you and pray for their safety. i see you move on from me and work on others, trying to take them out the game. but guess what, honey?
i found my soul again. i found my spirit again. i realized my beauty once more. i haven’t completely come to terms with it all. but that takes times. but i will let you know that alcohol, you were the devil that i danced with for 14 years. and i don’t want to go back to the self loathing.
the loss of friendships.
the loss of myself.
the loss of my heart.
the loss of my intelligence.
the loss of my sense of peace.
the disappointment in self i have felt for years.
the loss of recognizing my talents and my beauty.
at this point. i’m ready to square up with you on site. you’ve taken so much of my life away from me, and now i’m reclaiming it back. because of you, i can’t function without mood stabilizers. i can’t function without medication to tell me that you are the devil and don’t belong in my spirit. my depression, anxiety, PTSD, former self-hate have a couple of words they wanted to share.
you don’t belong here anymore.
it sucks living in a city where socializing is all around drinking and going out. i suffer from social anxiety so i love to be lubricated. but for now…i’m just going to call on my Ancestors, my Higher Power, my deities, God Himself, to keep me here.
i won’t lose. that’s ONE thing that’s not in my DNA.