sticks & stones.

faggot ass nigga.

as those words were uttered today in my presence, i was taken back to a time that i didn’t even realize had such an impact on me. i immediately addressed the situation with the culprit and said culprit didn’t understand why i was so offended because it wasn’t addressed towards me. while understandable, the words themselves are enough to warrant some type of side-eye from any respectable human being. i know you don’t joke around with your friends running around calling them ‘faggot ass nigga’ on a regular basis, do you? even your good Judies? i didn’t think so. i just felt my body getting hot and my hands start to shake. i was triggered.

certain vernacular has been reclaimed to mean something to a group of people. ‘nigga’ was claimed by black people (and certain Latinxs) as a term of endearment. ‘redneck’ is something that means one thing to one community but i imagine it to be a term of endearment amongst a similar community. the ‘c’ work (cracker) is something i grew up hearing (or honkey) but i never used because i always imagined it to be a slur of some sort. no one is running around calling people that inhabit that community similar to them any of these names. where is the line drawn becomes the question when it comes to certain terms…

some people hear things and let them roll off their back. i have been that type of person before to just ignore and keep it pushing. but leaning into pushback has been a goal of mine compared to just being a backburner person. someone who lets things happen and makes no effort to change them or address them. being a leader by nature, it’s extremely important to educate and help give wisdom in whatever capacity i can. i’m not perfect and i can admit that, but know when i am wrong. i can apologize if a boundary is overstepped. these things aren’t taught properly to everyone though. it takes patience, work, and consistent openness and conversation to happen. everyone is not mature enough to receive that type of wisdom at all times, and this is what tends to cause friction.

triggers are real. hearing those words took me back to the 5th grade. her name was hazel. i remember her going around telling people that i was gay and all of these things. now, in the 5th grade i am pretty sure i liked a girl so for that rumor to spread and then for me to not know what it means but know that it sounds like it has a negative connotation to it? and then don’t get me started on my family pulling guns out on me after finding (snooping) a bit of my sexuality out…yeah, that really hit home for me and i didn’t realize until i was able to dig deeper into my conscience and figure out why i felt the way i did any time those words were uttered. i know that the words need not be used anyway but the turmoil that it takes me to – a time where i felt unloved, unsafe, confused, hurt…that doesn’t go away automatically.

when you do your shadow work, you’re able to stand adversity in the face and it can rile you up. that’s okay. we are not perfect people. it’s about how you handle the situation in the moment. anyone can catch these spiritual hands; don’t get it twisted. and you can also catch a tongue lashing if necessary. shadow work is important because it helps you to get to the root of any issues and why you may act the way you do. being able to understand this a bit better, maneuver around it best i can, and push on?…it has taken years. but i am a work in progress every day… aren’t we all?

it’s important to keep it cute or put it on mute. what works for you and your people is cool, but that don’t work for everyone. this is a PSA to anyone reading to learn how to stay in your own lane. you know what that looks like. you know who that is supposed to be around. be sensitive to those around you. get to know their triggers. their trauma if they’re willing to share. it helps you to help them and that karmic rule is golden. that law of the Lord is golden. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. therefore, lead with love, and even when things are not giving you the love you deserve back, drop it. it’s not worth the energy. the time. the emotions you put into it. especially when it’s something that truly is a game changer for your spirit.

stand your ground in april. find your tribe. love yourself and your neighbor. teach compassion. but also, teach that you don’t take shit. boundaried UP is the way to be. this is the only way you can survive the triggers of the world. a year or two ago, a resopnse to something like that would have been different. this year however, …this lifetime….yeah. it’s all about that action, like i said. are you ridng?

amen. asé.

-gg

heavenly presence.

i’m coming home. back to atlanta, riding this damn amtrak train headed back down the eastern coast. i recently just lost my uncle and that has been one of the hardest things to even process. to be completely honest, it still hasn’t completely hit me yet. everyone else has been closer to the fire and the flame forreal, so they’ve been able to feel it and somewhat process. the thing about me is that it takes some time to process everything in my life, so these emotions haven’t hit me completely yet. i had a vision about what i would do when i saw my uncle in that casket tomorrow, and i just…i began to shudder. losing anyone you care about, whether that’s via death or via separation is hard. but not knowing the logistics of how something happened; not being prepared in order to deal with this because it was unexpected; not being able to prepare for what is coming your way. that’s what causes me anxiety and i am SO glad that i have all my medications this weekend in order to make sure that i’m good. otherwise, i know i would be a useless piece of mess. i know that this whole time i’ve been on this train, all i have been thinking about is just making it through these days. it isn’t a long time until tuesday, and i think i’m going to be taking wednesday off because at this point, i really don’t care. i just need some time to recuperate after this weekend.

no one will ever understand what it’s like for me to lose this specific uncle. he’s the only blood uncle that i have. he also didn’t have kids, wasn’t married, nothing like that. so being the eldest nephew of the family, this is hitting me a lot harder than you would imagine, mainly because it feels like a father that has passed away to me in a sense. what i could always appreciate about my uncle is the fact that he always would check on me, give me real life advice, make me laugh, and never ever make me feel judged. i do remember him just always giving me clothes, words of wisdom, and he was someone i just felt like i could always talk to without judgment. he was my dad’s brother and i know that my dad, having lost his mother and father years ago, is really struggling right now because now it’s just him with us and his current wife. so yeah. a whole show.

but i’m going to make it. my family is going to make it. as i travel down this east coast and catch the simplicities of the south, i realize how much i’ve changed and how i’m so used to seeing people moving and things going on. like always. and how moving back to something quiet like this could be relaxing in the future when i feel like a completely fully realized adult. right now though, i’ll take my isolation in my 1BR in NYC where i can walk to the corner store and they know who i am.

so much is going on in my head in regards to the future. i feel the spirit of my uncle trying to push through me. basically he is trying to encourage me to stay lifted. my step-brother, who passed away in 2017, has consistently tried to push me towards entrepreneurship. it’s not that i don’t want to – i just need to figure out my own lane and make it real. i feel like i have so much energy from those who have passed on and sent me their positive blessings and strength. therefore, i feel ready to take on the world. i just have to let my feet and hands get on the same page instead of thinking that that’s not possible. everything is possible as long as you believe and put the effort towards it.

and that’s one thing i can always be grateful for my uncle for. so yeh. i’m just gonna take it from here and ride through this weekend. it’s the only thing i can do.

but this is dedicated to bruce allan mccrear. my uncle. someone who i will always love & appreciate…and am thankful to have him as one of my guardian angels.

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man i’m so glad i got to see you when you visited NYC. “aye RUDEBWOY you think you can cop a zip for me?” …. now you know i always got you dawg. hah.

good old BAM –

you’ll never realize how much i appreciated having you as an uncle / second dad for me. i feel like because you didn’t have to worry about your own kids, you were able to spoil me and baby boy even more than an uncle could. trust & believe i appreciated that more than you know. the times you would take to call and check in are unmatched. i think about the first time you had me try alcohol. GREY GOOSE. at 15. thanks for that, because that shit sent me down a huge spiral of negativity when college started but since then, i have been cleaning my act up. you will always be the one credited to giving me my first sip of alcohol. and then after i learned how to smoke, you helped me out any time you could. let’s be real – you were the edible king. sometimes i was so sad i lived so far away because i couldn’t drive to get a real good edible or some shit. lmao. but either way, you are someone who i admire and desire to emulate. even though you were a player and had your pick of the litter, what most importantly mattered to me was that no one ever had anything bad to say to you or about you. peaceful, forward-thinking, hard-working…that is you & thank you for that. thank you for teaching me how to take that on, and i will carry a piece of you for the rest of my days. i love you BAM. i miss you. you were taken so abruptly and it blows. but i know you wouldn’t want me to fret and would just want me to continue being a real ass nigga like you always advise me to.

-always,

GoDdaMn.

amen. asé.

-gg

 

 

good rising.

directionless. in terms of what to say. however, the beauty of life is you don’t have to have everything put together in order to forge a story that makes sense to you. that’s the beauty of it all, honestly.

it’s been about a month or so since i’ve written. probably a little over a month. i think the last time i wrote, it was right before my birthday. what happened since then? i don’t even know where to begin when it comes to that. i fell into a dark spiral of difficulty and just not feeling like myself. i feel like my whole body shut down and i was in this space of disassociating myself from who i really was. it’s so weird to talk about in retrospect because that didn’t feel like it was me for a while. i’m still in the process of getting myself back together, but it took a complete breakdown of who i believed i was, all the ideologies i have carried around for so long, and just my state of being and this state of being somewhat sedentary and not going anywhere in any shape or form in regards to what i am accustomed to. i haven’t honestly been able to work and this writing is the first time i have been able to focus on anything in the past month or so (even though i feel like i’m jumping from tab to tab, application to application while i write) because of a string of reasons.

  1. my mental health has been trash and the medications i was taking, i lost around this time last month and haven’t been able to get it specifically refilled so it just felt like i was losing control of myself and not able to actually get out of bed to work, socialize, be around people, etc. (i’m actually not working currently)
  2. drinking to disassociate myself and take the pain away from what i am currently going through because of social anxieties and whatnot and feeling like i couldn’t actually talk to people about what’s going on in my life
  3. hating what i’m actually doing with my life and the floodgates just hit me like a brick finally and i realized it was time for something to shake and break because what was going on…..nah. it just wasn’t working for me at all and i was just feeling like i have been living a lie

after hella mounds of therapy, psychiatry, ACTUALLY talking to friends and opening up to others…i feel like i’m slowly but surely trying to get back on the up and up. what i am realizing with all the astrological transits that we have had is that i have been extremely sensitive to the ebbs and flows of life. that is okay in retrospect because it’s given me the opportunity to assess life as it is and whether or not what i am doing really matters in the grand scheme of things. and those things truly matter in the world and in our lives because they’re what are our bread and butter – actually being able to focus on all the different aspects of life that matter in a way that we haven’t ever been able to realize because we are always moving.

moving.

moving in a way that numbs us to what is actually going on around us. and not being able to tap into self and actually think about what is going on in our spirits. in our hearts.

i don’t want to go back to that space again and i have vowed to make life feel a lot more golden on a regular basis by checking back in with me. realizing what actually matters and how temporary some stuff can be. it’s the wake up call i have been looking for. took 29 years, but i would rather it take this long than never wake up and still be asleep like i was.

amen. asé.

-gg

Remember me, September.

Happy September, and the beginning of a brand new month. I believe that the first of the month is always a time to be stressed because of bills and shit, but it’s also a time to set intentions and look at what you can positively manifest for what you want to see come to the surface for the month. Today is a special day for me personally, as I’m celebrating an anniversary with a special someone and I look forward to what the day has in store for me.

September is that time of year where we all know school is back in session, Fall is right around the corner, and we are about to step into a new energy and a different cycle of time. It’s said that September is a time of completion, as it is the last month of the 3rd part of the year. I think of all the things that I have learned throughout the summer, and I ask you to reflect on how summer was for you. Did you have a great summer? Did you make new relationships or friendships? Was your summer completely insular? Did you start a new endeavor or have a new vision come to the forefront for you, and now you want to make sure that you follow through with it? Think of what September can bring in terms of completion, and finishing up what you feel is necessary for you to transcend to another level. I always feel like September for me is the time to stop, take a second to think about what has happened up until this point, and then anticipate what I want the end of my year to look like. October is my birth month, so this is always the perfect time for me to start to manifest and plan for what I want to transpire as the rest of the year comes to a close and I celebrate a new year of life. 2018 has flown by if you think about it, and think of how far you have come and how much you have grown as a person this year.

I’ll get a little personal – I began this year in a fog, I feel like. I was in a deep depression (I experience seasonal depression already, and battling anxiety and depression without being medicated properly at the time) and was looking for clarity. Even though I was on a good level of connection with the Universe, a Higher Power and something outside of my physical self, I still wasn’t able to clearly achieve what I wanted out of life. I have some not-so-fond memories of me not advocating for myself, being harassed at work verbally and physically, and literally sleeping my life away because I was just so sad that I wasn’t where I felt like I needed to be. As time passed on, I began to relapse back into old habits that didn’t serve me at all. For those that don’t know me well, at the very beginning of the year, I was about a year and 5 months into sobriety from alcohol. As stress started to pile onto me, I began to go back to my old ways, thinking I had overcome the battle with alcohol that was plaguing me. This was not the case at all, as I was starting to see old parts of myself come back to the surface. I was in therapy at the time, and I remember feeling a lot of guilt and anguish around my return to alcohol. I still couldn’t find a way to put the bottle down, and thought that the situations I was enduring weren’t as bad as they were back before I became sober the first time. I found other outlets in order to curb my pain and anxiety, but they weren’t the healthiest outlets, so I went back to what I knew. I was still meditating, and doing what I felt was necessary to remain peaceful…but that wasn’t really serving its purpose. The bottle really hurt my spirit and my soul, and I began to feel lost. For those of you that know that alcohol is a depressant, drinking and being a person who deals with depression is NOT a good mix. I don’t recommend it to anyone because it only brings you more unhappiness and confusion in your life.

In therapy however, I began to find my voice. I began to find out that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I was able to come to the realization that my negative self talk was keeping me from being successful in my endeavors. I realized that I never thought I was good enough, or second guessed my abilities. I then began to realize that I was letting outside forces take over my beliefs, and came to the conclusion that I needed to look at myself first and build myself up more. I had all the tools right in front of me, but was blind to them. I began to learn that advocating for yourself isn’t a bad thing. Speaking up isn’t a bad thing. Owning your truth may seem uncomfortable for others, but it’s your own damn truth. I started to realize how much power I actually possessed, and how I was able to come even further than I had ever thought. I began to grow in therapy, and learned what I needed in order for me to feel at peace with myself.

I began the journey of self-love and truly appreciating who I am and not taking shit from anyone, no matter who they were: a boss, a friend, a lover, anyone. I learned what it was to make boundaries for myself, which I had never done in my life; I always thought it necessary to placate other people’s desires and that was the problem. I wasn’t putting myself first, and I have learned how to do that with a spirit of humbleness and strength these days. As the year has progressed and into the summertime, I was able to meet someone and learn from them some of the things that I never got to experience in companionship. I was able to build stronger relationships and be open with my friends and myself, regardless of judgment. I began to connect even more to my Higher Power, converse with my Ancestors without feeling judgment, and felt like my eyes finally opened. I began to own my space. I started this journey with writing again, which has been a passion of mine for years, but had waned over the past ~7 months. This blog was birthed not just for me, but to help others out there who may experience some of the same feelings I have and to reassure them that they aren’t alone. It was my way of doing service and giving back in my authentic, genuine way. That has made me so much stronger. I also started my sobriety journey again, and truly feel even stronger this time around. Now, I’m at a place where things aren’t still ‘perfect’ but it’s not life if everything is perfect. I’m happy, and always am growing towards a stronger place.

I urge you to take some time to reflect on what has made your year either amazing, tumultuous, depressing, happy, transformative…whatever adjective you would like to choose. I also want you to then think about and manifest what you would enjoy the rest of your year to be like, and how you can take action to make this happen. Just praying about it or meditating on it isn’t enough. Without proper action, you cannot gain what is necessary for you to feel at peace and see the hard work you put out there come to pass. You have to choose wisely in regards to what is beneficial for you, and what’s beneficial for others. You came into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone sadly – all the in-between is your opportunity to make decisions for yourself and live life to it’s highest capacity and for your greatest good. The journey is never over, and you are learning every day. It’s not always going to be a happy day. It’s not always going to be a sad day. But as long as you have breath in your body, you have choice. I choose to make sure that I do things that bring me joy, that keep me grounded, and that make me feel like I’m doing what is necessary for me to progress the way I want. I am nowhere near perfection, but who really is? Anyone that seems like they have the perfect life is bullshitting you, and social media and people’s walls will make you believe that everything is okay. The more that you are open with the changes you want, and have a tribe of people that support your endeavors, the more you are able to manifest and live the life of joy that you want.

These are two of the cards I pulled today. One is from my tarot deck, and the other is from my oracle deck. The tarot card is Xapaná/Babaluallé/Omolú and it’s a figure of a man fully covered by a kind of straw. The straw is around him to show that he has no shape. He’s related to matters of health to help make the correct treatment for what’s necessary for your betterment. He is popular and known as the saint that cures plagues and smallpox. When I think of plagues, this can be an emotional plague or an actual physical plague. He is the one that is said to be the healer of certain diseases. Because he is someone who is able to concentrate so deeply, it is said that his analysis is critical and his comments are sharp – basically, he is a straight shooter.

Think of what you need to do in order to be a straight shooter today in all endeavors. Sometimes, we cover ourselves up and have this shroud of mystery because we think we are saving ourselves from something or saving others from something. If you think about it, all you do when you shade yourself from others is legitimately hurt yourself from getting to the place you want to be. Be forthcoming in what you want in your life, and especially with the energy in the Universe we are experiencing, you can most definitely ensure that it’s time to boss the fuck up and do what is necessary for you to feel at peace.

It is said that the meaning of this card is a high fraternal and spiritual sense. You have a spirit of service and strong imagination and organizing mind. You are sensitive to the pain of others, physically and spiritually. You’re always willing to cooperate as much as possible, and this quality is more noticeable as time passes. You have the ability to recover and improve yourself from a certain state. Even though the card is inverted, since this card is the only one I pulled, I believe there are no bad vibes that come from this unless you choose not to take heed to these words I’ve shared. You can recover from whatever blunder you may feel you’re in the middle of, but as you see, it’s not done alone. It’s done through having a spirit of service and having a spirit of openness. Ensure that you are being honest with yourself and others, and doing what is necessary for you to progress. Honor how far you have come today, and celebrate the lessons you have learned with others. This is the only way to gain true salvation and understanding and be a true vision of service and manifestation towards goodness.

The oracle card Choose Wisely comes when you have a vision or goal you want to achieve, but you have scattered energies and unrealistic expectations that prevent you from getting what you desire. There are many opportunities out there, but you have to make a decision on what is going to be best for you. It reminds you that options that all around you and may appear to have all the influence and power, but you are the person that is in control and responsible for all the choices you make. This segues into you making the proper decisions that are going to help benefit you as time goes on in life. Make sure that you are taking the time today and for the rest of the month to think, analyze carefully, look at all possibilities in front of you, and take action. This card is outlined in green because it’s a card that deals with your emotions, and you want to ensure you are going into any situation with the clearest set of feelings probable in order to make the decision that’s going to benefit you for the better. Don’t be hasty just because you feel like you HAVE to do something – we are all given free will to do whatever is necessary for our greatest good. Don’t be influenced by others that don’t know what is best for you – this is a good time to heighten your intuition and be in tune with yourself and your own personal desires. Be focused. Be wise. Don’t make decisions out of desperation. Just be true to yourself and what is going to help you be at your best self – not things made out of extreme emotions.

This month, I want you to focus on how you can be of service to self first, but also service to others. Take into account what you can be responsible for and what you can control. Think about all options that are out there, and how you can use all these options to your benefit in the way that Spirit wants you to. Follow your gut/intuition, and make decisions that are going to help you live this month of September at your happiest, most sincere level. Meditate or pray on what is going to bring you true and utter peace. Remember that you are the only one that has to live with you at the end of the day, and as Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race says…CHOICES. You have the choice to do what’s best for you.

A little mantra for you to go forth on today and think about as this month goes on:

“Mother Earth, I am your child. Thank you for being here. It feels so good to be here on this planet. Today, I vow to do my very best to help you along in your evolution. I know that as you grow and evolve, I will too. Thank you for all of your blessings to this point in my life. I feel very blessed.”

Repeat this a couple of times, and go forth and prosper today and for the rest of this month of September. Remember, you got the juice, as my baba says to me. It just takes you recognizing that you do and you are going to allow whatever is necessary for you to feel whole to come to pass. I believe in you. And I love you.

Amen. Asé.

-gg