good rising.

directionless. in terms of what to say. however, the beauty of life is you don’t have to have everything put together in order to forge a story that makes sense to you. that’s the beauty of it all, honestly.

it’s been about a month or so since i’ve written. probably a little over a month. i think the last time i wrote, it was right before my birthday. what happened since then? i don’t even know where to begin when it comes to that. i fell into a dark spiral of difficulty and just not feeling like myself. i feel like my whole body shut down and i was in this space of disassociating myself from who i really was. it’s so weird to talk about in retrospect because that didn’t feel like it was me for a while. i’m still in the process of getting myself back together, but it took a complete breakdown of who i believed i was, all the ideologies i have carried around for so long, and just my state of being and this state of being somewhat sedentary and not going anywhere in any shape or form in regards to what i am accustomed to. i haven’t honestly been able to work and this writing is the first time i have been able to focus on anything in the past month or so (even though i feel like i’m jumping from tab to tab, application to application while i write) because of a string of reasons.

  1. my mental health has been trash and the medications i was taking, i lost around this time last month and haven’t been able to get it specifically refilled so it just felt like i was losing control of myself and not able to actually get out of bed to work, socialize, be around people, etc. (i’m actually not working currently)
  2. drinking to disassociate myself and take the pain away from what i am currently going through because of social anxieties and whatnot and feeling like i couldn’t actually talk to people about what’s going on in my life
  3. hating what i’m actually doing with my life and the floodgates just hit me like a brick finally and i realized it was time for something to shake and break because what was going on…..nah. it just wasn’t working for me at all and i was just feeling like i have been living a lie

after hella mounds of therapy, psychiatry, ACTUALLY talking to friends and opening up to others…i feel like i’m slowly but surely trying to get back on the up and up. what i am realizing with all the astrological transits that we have had is that i have been extremely sensitive to the ebbs and flows of life. that is okay in retrospect because it’s given me the opportunity to assess life as it is and whether or not what i am doing really matters in the grand scheme of things. and those things truly matter in the world and in our lives because they’re what are our bread and butter – actually being able to focus on all the different aspects of life that matter in a way that we haven’t ever been able to realize because we are always moving.

moving.

moving in a way that numbs us to what is actually going on around us. and not being able to tap into self and actually think about what is going on in our spirits. in our hearts.

i don’t want to go back to that space again and i have vowed to make life feel a lot more golden on a regular basis by checking back in with me. realizing what actually matters and how temporary some stuff can be. it’s the wake up call i have been looking for. took 29 years, but i would rather it take this long than never wake up and still be asleep like i was.

amen. asé.

-gg

Blurred Visions.

“Use your vision as your sounding board. From the types of projects that you take on to the images that you post, continually ask yourself, “is this consistent with where I am trying to go?” Be patient, and stay dedicated to the game. Building a brand takes time, but it will be worth it once you get there.” – Sinead Bovell

This quote was taken from a very great friend of mine who is changing the game by talking about entrepreneurship while being a model and talking about the impact of the tech industry in our current global climate, Sinead Bovell. Her website WAYE, Weekly Advice for the Young Entrepreneur, gives tips to those that are making their vision come to the forefront and gives tips on how to stay encouraged in your work, as well as documenting her journey from changing her initial career into something that empowers young people to follow their dreams. This video she shared with me and with her networks is something that I continue to watch and reflect on over and over again because of how powerful it is.

Do you know how powerful it is to follow your vision? Do you even have a vision as to where you want to see yourself? Sometimes, we get so caught up in wanting more that we don’t intentionally plan out and sell ourselves out to our dreams and our visions.

As my birthday is right around the corner, I always get extremely reflective around this time about how far I have come since celebrating my last birthday. As a Scorpio Sun and a Libra Moon (this moon transit has been taking your boy completely out the game), I’m extremely analytical about everything and we have a reputation of being extremely bold and not giving a damn about what others have to say. I can say that for me, that hasn’t always been the case. I have gotten better at it the older I’ve gotten but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve always known that the space that I’ve been functioning from has been a place of fear as if I am always worried about what the next logical step is going to be when it comes to manifesting my dreams and staying grounded in them. It’s so important to remember how important it is to sell ourselves out to our visions, and not allow ourselves to be blurred by everyday life and the happenings that cause us to be derailed from our true happiness.

As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I find myself second guessing myself a lot of the time when it comes to the things I want to manifest in my life and don’t allow the true vision that I want to see be my actual reality come to the forefront. I get anxious that my dreams are bigger than what I’m actually able to manifest. I get anxious that people will not believe in my dreams and I won’t be supported. I get nervous to reach out to others to help me on that path to allowing my visions to become reality. I say all this to ask you to reflect and wonder – are you living life through your eyes or someone else’s?

As we have grown up in life, we go by doing what our parents want most for us a lot of the time. We revere their advice as the end all be all, and sometimes forget to take into account what our intuition knows is best for us, as well as forget that we have to create our own paths towards greatness without fear in order to manifest what is true for us. I’m here to remind you to stop getting in your own way. I say this to myself also, and Sinead’s quote from her website is one that really stuck out to me. She speaks on building your brand and it taking time for you to get there. Everything is not instantaneous, and we have to continue to be intentional and focused on manifesting the vision that we have for ourselves in regards to the work we want to see ourselves doing. There are always going to be drawbacks, obstacles, and negative people and situations that try and stop us from reaching our full potential, but I’m here today to remind you that there is nothing that is TOO BIG for you to attain. It all starts with you and how sold out you are to your true vision.

That takes time. That takes work. That takes you not having blurred vision and allowing others to attribute to those blurred lines because you have yourself to worry about at the end of the day and no one else. I’m also here to remind you that those that are truly in support of what you see yourself doing will be there to help you brainstorm and push you to continually get to the space that you see yourself being in.

But it is EXTREMELY important that you are clear in what that vision is. Take into account trying to explain a math problem to someone, but you don’t have a background in math. How is someone supposed to follow you or be able to take your ‘expertise’ at face value if you actually haven’t taken the time to sit, prepare, execute and explain your train of thought while working on this math problem with someone else? You have to be crystal clear in the manifestations that you want to happen in your life and the visions that you so desperately want to see come to pass.

We all have really huge dreams, but they’re just fantasies if we don’t put in the work to actually seeing them happen. You have to be consistent in making moves towards achieving your dreams on a regular basis. They’re the things that make you wake up in the morning daily, and give you life, even when you feel like you’re deprived of energy. They are the things that truly bring you joy every day when you don’t feel like doing much else. They are the things that help you feel as though you are moving in this space of service in this world. Stay true to your own vision and don’t let anyone else tell you that your visions aren’t valid. Those are the ones that blur your vision and derail you from your space of greatness.

As I encroach the time of me turning 29, I re-dedicate myself to following my dreams and not just having them as fantasies. I also re-dedicate myself to being able to talk about said visions I have for myself and moving towards them on a regular basis in whatever way that looks like. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up when things don’t transpire the way you THOUGHT they would. With careful planning, being intentional about what you do, and moving with grace and gratitude daily, your dreams can come to the light if you so choose.

I encourage you to take some time to think about the actionable steps you can take to achieving your goals and making those visions come true. Trust, it’ll all be worth it when you start moving at your pace instead of someone else’s. You have the power to reframe your whole life. Thoughts become things. Words become bond. Be mindful of the actions you take and the things you think. Be mindful of how you move in this world, and be unapologetic when it comes to getting where you want to be.

You got this. I got this. We all got this, okurr?

Amen. Asé.

-gg