5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

heavenly presence.

i’m coming home. back to atlanta, riding this damn amtrak train headed back down the eastern coast. i recently just lost my uncle and that has been one of the hardest things to even process. to be completely honest, it still hasn’t completely hit me yet. everyone else has been closer to the fire and the flame forreal, so they’ve been able to feel it and somewhat process. the thing about me is that it takes some time to process everything in my life, so these emotions haven’t hit me completely yet. i had a vision about what i would do when i saw my uncle in that casket tomorrow, and i just…i began to shudder. losing anyone you care about, whether that’s via death or via separation is hard. but not knowing the logistics of how something happened; not being prepared in order to deal with this because it was unexpected; not being able to prepare for what is coming your way. that’s what causes me anxiety and i am SO glad that i have all my medications this weekend in order to make sure that i’m good. otherwise, i know i would be a useless piece of mess. i know that this whole time i’ve been on this train, all i have been thinking about is just making it through these days. it isn’t a long time until tuesday, and i think i’m going to be taking wednesday off because at this point, i really don’t care. i just need some time to recuperate after this weekend.

no one will ever understand what it’s like for me to lose this specific uncle. he’s the only blood uncle that i have. he also didn’t have kids, wasn’t married, nothing like that. so being the eldest nephew of the family, this is hitting me a lot harder than you would imagine, mainly because it feels like a father that has passed away to me in a sense. what i could always appreciate about my uncle is the fact that he always would check on me, give me real life advice, make me laugh, and never ever make me feel judged. i do remember him just always giving me clothes, words of wisdom, and he was someone i just felt like i could always talk to without judgment. he was my dad’s brother and i know that my dad, having lost his mother and father years ago, is really struggling right now because now it’s just him with us and his current wife. so yeah. a whole show.

but i’m going to make it. my family is going to make it. as i travel down this east coast and catch the simplicities of the south, i realize how much i’ve changed and how i’m so used to seeing people moving and things going on. like always. and how moving back to something quiet like this could be relaxing in the future when i feel like a completely fully realized adult. right now though, i’ll take my isolation in my 1BR in NYC where i can walk to the corner store and they know who i am.

so much is going on in my head in regards to the future. i feel the spirit of my uncle trying to push through me. basically he is trying to encourage me to stay lifted. my step-brother, who passed away in 2017, has consistently tried to push me towards entrepreneurship. it’s not that i don’t want to – i just need to figure out my own lane and make it real. i feel like i have so much energy from those who have passed on and sent me their positive blessings and strength. therefore, i feel ready to take on the world. i just have to let my feet and hands get on the same page instead of thinking that that’s not possible. everything is possible as long as you believe and put the effort towards it.

and that’s one thing i can always be grateful for my uncle for. so yeh. i’m just gonna take it from here and ride through this weekend. it’s the only thing i can do.

but this is dedicated to bruce allan mccrear. my uncle. someone who i will always love & appreciate…and am thankful to have him as one of my guardian angels.

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man i’m so glad i got to see you when you visited NYC. “aye RUDEBWOY you think you can cop a zip for me?” …. now you know i always got you dawg. hah.

good old BAM –

you’ll never realize how much i appreciated having you as an uncle / second dad for me. i feel like because you didn’t have to worry about your own kids, you were able to spoil me and baby boy even more than an uncle could. trust & believe i appreciated that more than you know. the times you would take to call and check in are unmatched. i think about the first time you had me try alcohol. GREY GOOSE. at 15. thanks for that, because that shit sent me down a huge spiral of negativity when college started but since then, i have been cleaning my act up. you will always be the one credited to giving me my first sip of alcohol. and then after i learned how to smoke, you helped me out any time you could. let’s be real – you were the edible king. sometimes i was so sad i lived so far away because i couldn’t drive to get a real good edible or some shit. lmao. but either way, you are someone who i admire and desire to emulate. even though you were a player and had your pick of the litter, what most importantly mattered to me was that no one ever had anything bad to say to you or about you. peaceful, forward-thinking, hard-working…that is you & thank you for that. thank you for teaching me how to take that on, and i will carry a piece of you for the rest of my days. i love you BAM. i miss you. you were taken so abruptly and it blows. but i know you wouldn’t want me to fret and would just want me to continue being a real ass nigga like you always advise me to.

-always,

GoDdaMn.

amen. asé.

-gg