Boundaries After Five Years of Fuck Ups.

Wow, this is something that I haven’t done in a while. I don’t even remember what the last thing I wrote about on here was, and don’t even feel like going back to see it. I can’t believe that it has been a year since this site has been in existence (the only reason I know is because the editors are telling me I have 6 days to renew my plan and daddy doesn’t have his paper together the way he would like just yet to renew but…in due time).

Okay, so I know that this is a public blog but it’s my shit, so I am going to just keep it honest. This morning, I woke up with these stomach pains and a bit of anxiety around…what, I don’t know. I haven’t been sleeping much at all lately. I probably get around 4-5 hours regularly and I’m on my nightowl shit quite often. It’s just the facts right now because of things that have been going on.

Oh, some updates for my personal life. So, I’m without a ‘salaried job’ right now. Essentially, baby girl was put on disability back in May because of my health issues. It is so crazy because …these issues aren’t new and they just got worse as time went on. Call it symptoms of ascension, but like my body and soul knew that it was in a place that it didn’t belong. But you know as a black man, I’ve been told all my life how I have to work this and do this and make sure I have this. All of the things that I got in my five years of living in New York plus the stuff that I have carried around with me since college literally has compounded itself into something…that I’m not anymore.

I believe this is why Big Spirit took everything from me. For those that know or don’t know, I was robbed on June 11th. Reason being – I went out on a date or two with men while on my trip home (I want to say right around the time that I wrote the last post) and felt a lot of …feelings. Let’s be real. I was in a relationship around this time last year. June 1st would have been my year anniversary. And I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt smothered and my Scorpio Sun Sag Venus ass struggles with staying IN IT. Especially when I’m communicating what I need and that’s not being met. I become very…what’s the word? Reserved in a sense…because I tend to shut down and just be like:

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So…yeah, I let that go because I wasn’t happy. I had just lost my Uncle a month prior and I was very hurt. Very lost. And just needed some space for myself to figure things out. But I was still searching for love in all the wrong places. Old spaces that I knew I could fall back into because …well bitch, it’s easy to do. It’s simple for me to just believe that I will be coming into these spaces from an ‘ascended’ place. But no, I’m still the same bitch that I always been, with the same issues, and know better. Hey. You live and you learn. And I realized that if I wanted to attract a certain type of man, I had to behave a certain kind of way. (this is hindsight, because I definitely didn’t realize how much I was putting into PEOPLE THAT DID NOT DESERVE THAT TIME AT THE TIME.) Anyways, this was a trigger because I had a date scheduled and it sent me into a complete spiral because…well, it wasn’t that great. And of course my heart, my soul, was open. I’m a fucking Scorpio, Libra, Pisces #Big3 bitch so like, let’s be honest here. A nigga was hurting. So what did I do? Drink that pain awayyyyy. It’s my go-to. It’s always been my go-to. I’m an addict. A recovering addict.

Well, that spawned a series of unfortunate events. Let me be clear here. Before I even was where I was, I was in a fight. Got some shit stolen. Got into a variety of verbal disagreements with people close to me. Then basically was drinking and messing around with men during a time where I needed to be giving my energy to myself. THEREFORE, things were literally feeling like the five years that I lived in New York and all the shit that I experienced during my time living here were coming to a head and happening in the span of three weeks. Now, let’s be clear.

FIVE YEARS WORTH OF LOW VIBRATIONAL ENERGY IN THREE WEEKS? WOULDN’T THAT BOTHER ANYONE AND SEND THEM INTO A DEEP DARK SPIRAL?

(Oh, and I just celebrated my five year anniversary of being in New York yesterday; cheers.)

Whiskey was my choice of alcohol. That morning, I truly remember …not much, but hey. I do know that iStarted mixing coffee and whiskey at 10. To numb the pain. Mainly because I was hurting and what’s funny is it wasn’t my family that sent me into that immediate spiral. It wasn’t my friends that sent me into that immediate spiral. It wasn’t my job (because I wasn’t working + I didn’t have an income and that weighed heavily on me) that sent me into an immediate spiral.

It was some dusty ass nigga that I spent my time trying to get to know and put energy into that didn’t deserve that energy + me trying to rationalize why I felt like he deserved that energy THAT SENT ME INTO THAT SPIRAL.

I’m really a romantic at heart, I put my everything into people and relationships and…it does come back to bite me in the ass more often than not. It sucks. Anyways, this really put me in a dark place enough to where I blacked out. Now, this wasn’t my first time at the rodeo blacking out. I sadly have been a pro at this for quite some time. YEARS OF BLACKING OUT BB. Like, ever since… 20. So imagine 9 years of alcohol abuse, 7 years of not recognizing it was abuse, and 3 years of being conscious that it was abuse and trying to get back on the straight and narrow path after 9 years of learning a trait that I needed to desperately unlearn.

BICH. Can you blame me?

Anyway, this blackout led to one of the darkest moments of my life. I’ve learned in my big age (wow, 30 is right around the corner wow) that I can’t blame everything else on other folks, I have to take some of the ownership of myself. I know that I have a predisposition to a lot of addiction traits. I know that I tend to hurt myself or put myself in situations that are dark. A close friend to me the other day said that I can sometimes lean into victim mentality and while that hurt to hear, she was right. All of this I have recently been able to clearly see. Let’s be real, I am battling:

  1. A drug / alcohol addiction issue
  2. Emotional trauma from my parentals not really giving me the love and respect i deserve and have been pining for all my life
  3. A physical illness that manifested itself from the amount of stress in my life
  4. Hating a job that I have naturally been good at all my life, but don’t feel a connection to anymore because of how much it made me physically ill
  5. Income? Consistent income? I haven’t known those words at all in my life~

And that’s just a couple things. Anyways, after being arrested off some wild shit, I basically put myself in a place to get everything of mine stolen. Every thing material of mine was gone. Even the keys to my home. And I wasn’t even in the same state that I currently live in. Therefore…struggle city. Imagine what the fuck that was like to have to deal with especially on your own.

I’ve been building my confidence…

My heart…

My mind & soul…

And just the finances that I’ve lost back up. But…I’m at a place because who do I work for right now?

Nobody. No, literally. I have been “searching” for jobs and not finding anything that fits my interests. The places I do go that are of interest to me? Not hiring. This becomes difficult and a little…redundant. Relying on the help of others to get by and also the Spirit of God to bless me has been literally the way that I have made it through this time. Relying on that has been the sole reason as to why I am still here. Of course, there are days with tears. There are days I’m not the most loving to myself, but I learn to pull myself out of it as best as possible. It’s still a work in progress – I have been not the most positive towards myself all my life. Building my confidence up and all that. It takes time.

I know I started this with boundaries and whatnot, and this is important for me to learn with myself and with others. The boundaries that I have had to establish with self are really integral to my work and work with others because let’s be real,… since I’ve been working for myself and the work I do is heavily involved with others, I have to protect myself. What does that look like? BITCH, I’m still learning so ask me in a couple of months LOL but at the same time, it has really been a form of self-care to not answer certain peoples’ phone calls that are draining; realize that I am growing and changing and having different thoughts and if someone doesn’t understand that or can’t have a dialogue in regards to growth and change…BYE; I love a good spiritual bath or sitting in the shower and just letting the water run over me and getting my peace…there are more but I don’t want to bore you.

I also have to establish boundaries with others. I have been an emotional dumping ground for my whole life. Literally, I don’t know if I have “YOU ACTUALLY CAN TRUST ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS – COME TALK TO ME!!!” written across my forehead but there’s just something about me that people have always felt comfortable coming to me and sharing with me. Ever since childhood. Like, I was the kid that was in the grown folx conversation because I knew I could sit, listen, observe, and that’s how I gained my knowledge. And I also know how to listen (but I do like to insert my own thoughts more nowadays and just respond for the sake of dialogue – I try and make sure I don’t overdo it) so I think that also is something that people appreciate about me. But I rarely get asked if I’m in a space to take things on. I rarely get told after someone has dialogue with me ‘thank you’ especially if I’m here listening and giving you advice that you put into practice. And I can’t do that anymore.

Boundaries also extend into sexual encounters and whatnot. As a victim of sexual assault/rape in my childhood and during my formative years as an adult, I have been the type of person to just go along with what people want to do for fear of upsetting a person…being hurt by them because of being in a compromising situation with them…and I have naturally been the person not to speak up because of ‘rustling feathers’ (shoutout to Hayden Moss for this one) and also knowing that my truth-speaking has been too much for people at times and I have that body memory stopping myself from doing it. Do I know why completely? No. But it’s just that scared little boy inside of me who remembers being in that dorm room after bringing someone he didn’t want to bring home, but didn’t know how to speak up for himself and was told by this fucker that ‘he wasn’t leaving without getting what he came there for’ and my 19 year old ass is sitting in this room at Morehouse knowing that if I scream, these men are going to look at me crazy and I let that man basically fuck me for three days straight…he would literally go to work and come back to my dorm to rape me repeatedly over a weekend until I basically let him leave that Monday and blocked him in every way possible because I didn’t know how to confront that energy. I still remember his name. His face. Those fucking green contacts that he consistently wore. His bald head. And the fact that he was supposedly dating my “Morehouse brother” but he still was fucking me. And mind you, this was my first time ever bottoming (for you gurlz that really need to know, I’m more of a top mainly because of this reasoning) and it just spiraled into a very heavy lifetime of me having sex with strangers only one time because …well, if you only have sex with someone once you never have to worry about disappointing them ever again.

Yeah.

I have had a lot of time to process why I spiraled into an addictive state for literally 9 years of my life. I have had a really difficult road…but like, through it all I’m still fighting, still kicking, still HERE BITCH just like Tisha Campbell says. And to be honest…even through all this, I have never been so connected to my SELF, my TRUTH, and my BEING.

I’ve truly taken my tarot and oracle card readings to another level, and have been working for myself out this apartment for the last two and a half months, solely making my income off of this.

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And I’ve never been happier working for myself and not having to answer to anyone.

I’m in the process of working on and dropping a project that I’m working on and I can’t wait to share more about in the near future when the ink on the shit dries.

I actually found time earlier this week to talk with my big sister on her podcast about my addiction. You can actually go give it a listen here if you’re interested and support her (shoutout to you Maria!) and …listen to my perspective on it. If you have ever felt like you’re battling substance abuse or addiction in the general sense (remember, it doesn’t have to mean just substances), I would suggest you give it a try at least. <3.

I have so much insight based off my experiences in this fucking wild ass city. I moved here 5 years ago with three goals:

  1. Move closer to my best friend because I was miserable in Pittsburgh where I was
  2. Find a man because New York seemed to be the place that housed the type of men I wanted to date and I hadn’t ever been in a true relationship as an adult
  3. Not work as a teacher because I had been teaching for 5 years already and was tired of the shit and wanted to start my career as….welllll idunno but not teaching

 

Did I accomplish my goals? Yeah…just not the way I planned. But in retrospect…I did.

  1. I got to live closer to my best friend and during those formative years I was really dependent upon him …however in the last two specifically I have essentially found my way back to trusting myself, my judgments and we are able to live two completely separate lives without me having to run to him for all my needs because…I’m learning how to function without the approval or need of others that don’t actually mean well for me
  2. I dated one guy that fucked me over and was my coworker [NEVER DATE A COWORKER!!!!!!!!!!] that came onto me and told me he wanted to be with me and i cancelled a trip to the HAMPTONS to be with him for christmas break and slept at his house 5 of 7 days -that i had keys to MIND YOU- and basically found out that he only wanted to mess around with me and that was it but NOT FROM HIM, from his BEST FRIEND telling me and then later on down the road see him and someone from the Twitterverse traversing through fucking Tulum …and the nigga was also a black Spanish teacher (someone has a type and yes, i’m still a bit bitter by the way shit went down, i’m a scorpio and so was he and that was fucked up – ya’ll know i didn’t let that nigga breathe though, i definitely left that nigga’s keys on his desk on valentine’s day because i’m not that bitch)
  3. I had a wonderful relationship with a guy for about 8 and a half months but I just needed to move on for myself
  4. I found my passion – healing and the arts and truly started to lean into that truth and have been especially for the last three years…

So like…I’m actually winning at the end of the day, even through all that.

If you got to the end of this, you better fucking WERK BITCH. And thank you for taking my journey with me and being here. Being of support. That means the world.

I don’t know what the next five years are going to look like. I don’t know what the next year, the next day will look like.

But what’s wild is…I don’t really fucking care like I used to. I’ve learned the beauty of being present and in the moment. And tbh, I’m enjoying this version of me more than ever before even though it isn’t any version I’ve met before…he’s rad. Amen. Ase.

-GG

 

POST EDIT – I know I’m not making this shit up because after I wrote this… I pulled the Temperance card from my Afro-Brazilian Tarot deck…

“Temperance is the card for bringing balance, patience and moderation into your life. You are being invited to stabilise your energy and to allow the life force to flow through you without force or resistance. It’s time to recover your flow and get your life back into order and balance.

This card calls on you to remain calm, even when life feels stressful or frantic. Maintain an even temperament and manage your emotions. You have learned to keep composed in stressful situations. Little things don’t get to you, thanks to your seemingly abundant source of patience. Your respect for balance and tranquillity is what will help you achieve and experience fulfilment in your life.

Temperance asks you to take the middle path and accommodate all perspectives. Now is not the time to be highly opinionated or controversial. Be the peacekeeper and take a balanced and moderate approach, avoiding any extremes. Include others and bring together diverse groups of people to create harmony and cooperation. By working together, you will collectively leverage the right mix of talents, experiences, abilities and skills.

There is alchemy within Temperance. This Tarot card is about blending, mixing, and combining diverse elements in a way that creates something new and even more valuable than its separate parts. ‘Blending’ can take on many forms; for example, a blended family, an artist who blends different materials or techniques, a bartender who mixes new and exciting cocktails, or a chef who combines different cuisines and cooking styles.

The Temperance card shows that you have a clear, long-term vision of what you want to achieve. You are not rushing things along; instead, you are taking your time to ensure that you do the best job you can. You know you need a moderate, guided approach to reach your goals.

Finally, this card reflects higher learning. You are learning a great deal where you are now and are at peace with what you are doing – it is all coming together well. Your inner voice is guiding you to the right outcome, and you are patiently listening and following.”

 

<3. Wow.

5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

good rising.

directionless. in terms of what to say. however, the beauty of life is you don’t have to have everything put together in order to forge a story that makes sense to you. that’s the beauty of it all, honestly.

it’s been about a month or so since i’ve written. probably a little over a month. i think the last time i wrote, it was right before my birthday. what happened since then? i don’t even know where to begin when it comes to that. i fell into a dark spiral of difficulty and just not feeling like myself. i feel like my whole body shut down and i was in this space of disassociating myself from who i really was. it’s so weird to talk about in retrospect because that didn’t feel like it was me for a while. i’m still in the process of getting myself back together, but it took a complete breakdown of who i believed i was, all the ideologies i have carried around for so long, and just my state of being and this state of being somewhat sedentary and not going anywhere in any shape or form in regards to what i am accustomed to. i haven’t honestly been able to work and this writing is the first time i have been able to focus on anything in the past month or so (even though i feel like i’m jumping from tab to tab, application to application while i write) because of a string of reasons.

  1. my mental health has been trash and the medications i was taking, i lost around this time last month and haven’t been able to get it specifically refilled so it just felt like i was losing control of myself and not able to actually get out of bed to work, socialize, be around people, etc. (i’m actually not working currently)
  2. drinking to disassociate myself and take the pain away from what i am currently going through because of social anxieties and whatnot and feeling like i couldn’t actually talk to people about what’s going on in my life
  3. hating what i’m actually doing with my life and the floodgates just hit me like a brick finally and i realized it was time for something to shake and break because what was going on…..nah. it just wasn’t working for me at all and i was just feeling like i have been living a lie

after hella mounds of therapy, psychiatry, ACTUALLY talking to friends and opening up to others…i feel like i’m slowly but surely trying to get back on the up and up. what i am realizing with all the astrological transits that we have had is that i have been extremely sensitive to the ebbs and flows of life. that is okay in retrospect because it’s given me the opportunity to assess life as it is and whether or not what i am doing really matters in the grand scheme of things. and those things truly matter in the world and in our lives because they’re what are our bread and butter – actually being able to focus on all the different aspects of life that matter in a way that we haven’t ever been able to realize because we are always moving.

moving.

moving in a way that numbs us to what is actually going on around us. and not being able to tap into self and actually think about what is going on in our spirits. in our hearts.

i don’t want to go back to that space again and i have vowed to make life feel a lot more golden on a regular basis by checking back in with me. realizing what actually matters and how temporary some stuff can be. it’s the wake up call i have been looking for. took 29 years, but i would rather it take this long than never wake up and still be asleep like i was.

amen. asé.

-gg

Tell Me.

Everything is connected when you think about it. Intuition and guidance from our higher selves helps us to stay grounded when it comes to us making decisions that we aren’t sure are the best things for us. Have you ever just listened to your body and what it is telling you in any moment?

Well, welcome to Scorpio season. I know that because it’s my birthday season, I’m starting to feel those answers slowly but surely coming to me and life has been leading me up until this point. We have been constantly ever evolving if we are willing to do so, but that takes a lot of reflection upon oneself in order to make that happen. What I have realized is that people that are not functioning at their highest selves and are on a lower plane are the ones that have a hard time opening themselves up to something different. You have to trust your own balance beam and know that things come to you, situations come to your forefront, and everything is divine in its own right. Do you remember that conversation with your boss that made you think about something that you know wasn’t really rocking with your inner vision, and made you think about something else you wanted in your life? Do you remember the time that your partner said something to you that turned you off, and you were a little apprehensive to approach it, knowing it was a trigger? All these things are part of our shadow selves, trying to rise to the surface and allow you to make the movements, choices, and decisions that are going to help you be successful.

You are a beautiful being that is allowed to make beautiful decisions and position yourself in a space of growth, but you have to be willing to do so. That takes work. Being comfortable and letting yourself not be pushed is the first push towards your grave. You are not trying to become better, and you’re just ignoring what Spirit is trying to lead you towards.

I can be a great example of what it means to just not allow myself to listen to the signs, even when they’re apparent, and how it’s caused me to be depressed or a bit harder on myself than necessary. Let the Spirit tell you how you want to love, how you want to live, how you want to progress. You have to trust that we were all born with an intuition that is strong, but those that are willing to strengthen the muscle are the ones that actually benefit from listening to self – those are the ones that actually make the growth towards the space that they are trying to be.

Let go.

Let yourself be.

Don’t overthink everything.

It doesn’t serve your highest good to overanalyze everything.

See it all from a different angle, and let your angels and your Ancestors guide the path. Salvation is coming.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

Remember me, September.

Happy September, and the beginning of a brand new month. I believe that the first of the month is always a time to be stressed because of bills and shit, but it’s also a time to set intentions and look at what you can positively manifest for what you want to see come to the surface for the month. Today is a special day for me personally, as I’m celebrating an anniversary with a special someone and I look forward to what the day has in store for me.

September is that time of year where we all know school is back in session, Fall is right around the corner, and we are about to step into a new energy and a different cycle of time. It’s said that September is a time of completion, as it is the last month of the 3rd part of the year. I think of all the things that I have learned throughout the summer, and I ask you to reflect on how summer was for you. Did you have a great summer? Did you make new relationships or friendships? Was your summer completely insular? Did you start a new endeavor or have a new vision come to the forefront for you, and now you want to make sure that you follow through with it? Think of what September can bring in terms of completion, and finishing up what you feel is necessary for you to transcend to another level. I always feel like September for me is the time to stop, take a second to think about what has happened up until this point, and then anticipate what I want the end of my year to look like. October is my birth month, so this is always the perfect time for me to start to manifest and plan for what I want to transpire as the rest of the year comes to a close and I celebrate a new year of life. 2018 has flown by if you think about it, and think of how far you have come and how much you have grown as a person this year.

I’ll get a little personal – I began this year in a fog, I feel like. I was in a deep depression (I experience seasonal depression already, and battling anxiety and depression without being medicated properly at the time) and was looking for clarity. Even though I was on a good level of connection with the Universe, a Higher Power and something outside of my physical self, I still wasn’t able to clearly achieve what I wanted out of life. I have some not-so-fond memories of me not advocating for myself, being harassed at work verbally and physically, and literally sleeping my life away because I was just so sad that I wasn’t where I felt like I needed to be. As time passed on, I began to relapse back into old habits that didn’t serve me at all. For those that don’t know me well, at the very beginning of the year, I was about a year and 5 months into sobriety from alcohol. As stress started to pile onto me, I began to go back to my old ways, thinking I had overcome the battle with alcohol that was plaguing me. This was not the case at all, as I was starting to see old parts of myself come back to the surface. I was in therapy at the time, and I remember feeling a lot of guilt and anguish around my return to alcohol. I still couldn’t find a way to put the bottle down, and thought that the situations I was enduring weren’t as bad as they were back before I became sober the first time. I found other outlets in order to curb my pain and anxiety, but they weren’t the healthiest outlets, so I went back to what I knew. I was still meditating, and doing what I felt was necessary to remain peaceful…but that wasn’t really serving its purpose. The bottle really hurt my spirit and my soul, and I began to feel lost. For those of you that know that alcohol is a depressant, drinking and being a person who deals with depression is NOT a good mix. I don’t recommend it to anyone because it only brings you more unhappiness and confusion in your life.

In therapy however, I began to find my voice. I began to find out that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I was able to come to the realization that my negative self talk was keeping me from being successful in my endeavors. I realized that I never thought I was good enough, or second guessed my abilities. I then began to realize that I was letting outside forces take over my beliefs, and came to the conclusion that I needed to look at myself first and build myself up more. I had all the tools right in front of me, but was blind to them. I began to learn that advocating for yourself isn’t a bad thing. Speaking up isn’t a bad thing. Owning your truth may seem uncomfortable for others, but it’s your own damn truth. I started to realize how much power I actually possessed, and how I was able to come even further than I had ever thought. I began to grow in therapy, and learned what I needed in order for me to feel at peace with myself.

I began the journey of self-love and truly appreciating who I am and not taking shit from anyone, no matter who they were: a boss, a friend, a lover, anyone. I learned what it was to make boundaries for myself, which I had never done in my life; I always thought it necessary to placate other people’s desires and that was the problem. I wasn’t putting myself first, and I have learned how to do that with a spirit of humbleness and strength these days. As the year has progressed and into the summertime, I was able to meet someone and learn from them some of the things that I never got to experience in companionship. I was able to build stronger relationships and be open with my friends and myself, regardless of judgment. I began to connect even more to my Higher Power, converse with my Ancestors without feeling judgment, and felt like my eyes finally opened. I began to own my space. I started this journey with writing again, which has been a passion of mine for years, but had waned over the past ~7 months. This blog was birthed not just for me, but to help others out there who may experience some of the same feelings I have and to reassure them that they aren’t alone. It was my way of doing service and giving back in my authentic, genuine way. That has made me so much stronger. I also started my sobriety journey again, and truly feel even stronger this time around. Now, I’m at a place where things aren’t still ‘perfect’ but it’s not life if everything is perfect. I’m happy, and always am growing towards a stronger place.

I urge you to take some time to reflect on what has made your year either amazing, tumultuous, depressing, happy, transformative…whatever adjective you would like to choose. I also want you to then think about and manifest what you would enjoy the rest of your year to be like, and how you can take action to make this happen. Just praying about it or meditating on it isn’t enough. Without proper action, you cannot gain what is necessary for you to feel at peace and see the hard work you put out there come to pass. You have to choose wisely in regards to what is beneficial for you, and what’s beneficial for others. You came into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone sadly – all the in-between is your opportunity to make decisions for yourself and live life to it’s highest capacity and for your greatest good. The journey is never over, and you are learning every day. It’s not always going to be a happy day. It’s not always going to be a sad day. But as long as you have breath in your body, you have choice. I choose to make sure that I do things that bring me joy, that keep me grounded, and that make me feel like I’m doing what is necessary for me to progress the way I want. I am nowhere near perfection, but who really is? Anyone that seems like they have the perfect life is bullshitting you, and social media and people’s walls will make you believe that everything is okay. The more that you are open with the changes you want, and have a tribe of people that support your endeavors, the more you are able to manifest and live the life of joy that you want.

These are two of the cards I pulled today. One is from my tarot deck, and the other is from my oracle deck. The tarot card is Xapaná/Babaluallé/Omolú and it’s a figure of a man fully covered by a kind of straw. The straw is around him to show that he has no shape. He’s related to matters of health to help make the correct treatment for what’s necessary for your betterment. He is popular and known as the saint that cures plagues and smallpox. When I think of plagues, this can be an emotional plague or an actual physical plague. He is the one that is said to be the healer of certain diseases. Because he is someone who is able to concentrate so deeply, it is said that his analysis is critical and his comments are sharp – basically, he is a straight shooter.

Think of what you need to do in order to be a straight shooter today in all endeavors. Sometimes, we cover ourselves up and have this shroud of mystery because we think we are saving ourselves from something or saving others from something. If you think about it, all you do when you shade yourself from others is legitimately hurt yourself from getting to the place you want to be. Be forthcoming in what you want in your life, and especially with the energy in the Universe we are experiencing, you can most definitely ensure that it’s time to boss the fuck up and do what is necessary for you to feel at peace.

It is said that the meaning of this card is a high fraternal and spiritual sense. You have a spirit of service and strong imagination and organizing mind. You are sensitive to the pain of others, physically and spiritually. You’re always willing to cooperate as much as possible, and this quality is more noticeable as time passes. You have the ability to recover and improve yourself from a certain state. Even though the card is inverted, since this card is the only one I pulled, I believe there are no bad vibes that come from this unless you choose not to take heed to these words I’ve shared. You can recover from whatever blunder you may feel you’re in the middle of, but as you see, it’s not done alone. It’s done through having a spirit of service and having a spirit of openness. Ensure that you are being honest with yourself and others, and doing what is necessary for you to progress. Honor how far you have come today, and celebrate the lessons you have learned with others. This is the only way to gain true salvation and understanding and be a true vision of service and manifestation towards goodness.

The oracle card Choose Wisely comes when you have a vision or goal you want to achieve, but you have scattered energies and unrealistic expectations that prevent you from getting what you desire. There are many opportunities out there, but you have to make a decision on what is going to be best for you. It reminds you that options that all around you and may appear to have all the influence and power, but you are the person that is in control and responsible for all the choices you make. This segues into you making the proper decisions that are going to help benefit you as time goes on in life. Make sure that you are taking the time today and for the rest of the month to think, analyze carefully, look at all possibilities in front of you, and take action. This card is outlined in green because it’s a card that deals with your emotions, and you want to ensure you are going into any situation with the clearest set of feelings probable in order to make the decision that’s going to benefit you for the better. Don’t be hasty just because you feel like you HAVE to do something – we are all given free will to do whatever is necessary for our greatest good. Don’t be influenced by others that don’t know what is best for you – this is a good time to heighten your intuition and be in tune with yourself and your own personal desires. Be focused. Be wise. Don’t make decisions out of desperation. Just be true to yourself and what is going to help you be at your best self – not things made out of extreme emotions.

This month, I want you to focus on how you can be of service to self first, but also service to others. Take into account what you can be responsible for and what you can control. Think about all options that are out there, and how you can use all these options to your benefit in the way that Spirit wants you to. Follow your gut/intuition, and make decisions that are going to help you live this month of September at your happiest, most sincere level. Meditate or pray on what is going to bring you true and utter peace. Remember that you are the only one that has to live with you at the end of the day, and as Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race says…CHOICES. You have the choice to do what’s best for you.

A little mantra for you to go forth on today and think about as this month goes on:

“Mother Earth, I am your child. Thank you for being here. It feels so good to be here on this planet. Today, I vow to do my very best to help you along in your evolution. I know that as you grow and evolve, I will too. Thank you for all of your blessings to this point in my life. I feel very blessed.”

Repeat this a couple of times, and go forth and prosper today and for the rest of this month of September. Remember, you got the juice, as my baba says to me. It just takes you recognizing that you do and you are going to allow whatever is necessary for you to feel whole to come to pass. I believe in you. And I love you.

Amen. Asé.

-gg