5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

You ‘Bout Dat Life?

“We must’nt let our dreams die in the daylight because we lose focus while responding to the world’s lame interests or false emergencies.” – Brendon Burchard, The Motivation Manifesto.

Happy Lionsgate Portal everyone! I hope that each of you are feeling free today, and have been able to release some of the energy that has been plaguing you recently, and have allowed love to enter your atmosphere. Before I begin talking about today’s subject that’s lying on my heart, I want to address the Lionsgate Portal.

Today’s Lionsgate Portal always happens around this time of year, and it’s mainly focused on allowing yourself to open your heart, your eyes, and feel safe with doing such. For me, I interpret it as allowing yourself to be vulnerable, so that others can be vulnerable. You’re probably in the midst of going through some really tough lessons, or rehashing prior lessons that you thought you had already moved past coming back into your spirit. Being aware of your heart chakra and third eye chakra and loving yourself and loving others is extremely important on today, and moving forward. If you haven’t already, take some time for focusing on what the idea of love is to you, and whether or not you truly love yourself and love others around you, even if they have done you wrong. We were all put on this planet in order to spread love and connect, and as social media, differences, and society naturally try to pit us against one another, I want you to take a second and focus on whether or not you are leading with love on today. It’s our job as a human race to leave this planet better than the way that we found it, and every day, with what’s going on around us, it feels harder. You, however, have the capacity to create a space for love and light, and radiate that no matter where you go. Whether that means thanking someone for their services at a restaurant, smiling at a stranger in the streets as you pass them, or just being a listening ear for a friend that really needs to vent, you can make a choice to be full of love and compassion towards another. Everyone’s journey in life is different, and everyone deserves to be showered with love no matter what is going on in your world, or theirs.

Another huge part of this portal is making sure to cover and cleanse your cerebellum chakra. I’m sure you’re like, what the hell is that? Well, it’s located on the back of your neck, right beneath your hairline. Take some time today to let warm water rinse along the back of it, use some essential oils, and massage the back of your neck and recite this mantra that I so graciously was able to learn about from Forever Conscious, a site I visit regularly when I’m trying to be spiritually fed. (Thank you guys, if you ever see my site!)

“It is safe for me to open my heart, it is safe for me to open my eye. It is safe for me to lean into all that I feel. For when I do, I find my strength, I find my truth, and I find what I’m guided to do.”

All of this transitions into the topic that I wanted to talk about, and that is motivation. The last part of the mantra I stated, about finding what you are guided to do, is directly connected to this topic of motivation and doing what you feel passionately led to do.

Today, I decided to take some time to disconnect from everything. I left my phone at home and took a walk in nature for about two hours alone, not having any distractions. It was quite the time, because I was able to just enjoy and listen to the sounds of nature and what was going on around me. I smiled at waitresses and started conversation, I ventured into new stores I hadn’t ever ventured into, and just allowed myself to go wherever my feet led me. I found myself in this really awesome store in my neighborhood where I found some really awesome essential oils, sage, and other really awesome products called Life Wellness. I found it ironic that while I was there and speaking to the cashier and checking out the products, she had checked the time on her phone and 2:22 brightly popped up. It just affirmed that I was in the right place at the right time. Whenever I see “angel numbers” or repeated numbers (11:11, 1:11, 12:34, 3:33, 5:55, 7:11), it’s a sign that I’m in tune with the Universe’s energy and I’m right where I need to be at the right time. I took some time to sit at the store and write and just think about what was going on in my life and how grateful I am to be doing some more of the things that motivate me and make me happy, such as going to that store and getting these items that helped rejuvenate my spirit.

After leaving, I wanted to take some time to sit and read. I’ve been reading this book called “The Motivation Manifesto: 9 Declarations to Claim Your Personal Power” by Brendon Burchard for quite some time. It’s been taking me a long time to read the book because literally every page in the book scalps me bald. It’s just such a good read and really makes me sit and reflect, even after reading 10 pages. While reading today, I came across the topic of being motivated to do things, and truly resonating in what is important to you when it comes to putting in that work towards your goals. We all have dreams and desires that we want to see come to pass, but a lot of times, we get caught up in the worry about not getting the results that we want immediately, and that slows us down in regards to the process it takes to get there. It is as if our motivation depletes because we think about the work that goes into getting what we desire, and we may think it too hard or too time consuming.

Now, I want to push your thinking a bit. If you’re really motivated to do something and you truly want something to be a part of your aura and energy, do you ever really get tired of doing what it takes to get there?

I’ll give you a personal example. I joined a gym in early July because I really have been wanting to get a nice body. What was my motivation for joining the gym? Well, I can’t sit here and fake – I see everyone and their tight bodies all over Instagram and Twitter, flaunting their booty cheeks and bodies everywhere, trying to get #summerready or have that #foreverbody, and it makes me want the same. I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia for the past 7 years, and a lot of times, social media has made me feel insecure with how I look. Even when I was at my smallest, which was around 127 pounds (I’m about 5’6″) last summer, I still felt like I was imperfect and that I had things I could do better with my body. Now, I wasn’t in the best place mentally nor health wise, and was starving myself, and I lost that weight unintentionally. Now, I’ve put on weight and I’m still a bit insecure when it comes to how I look, and I joined the gym because at the time, I was motivated to get the body that I always wanted. Here’s an insider secret:

I hate the fuckin’ gym. I hate working out. Why? I just really hate sweating and it’s a commitment that you have to make that I haven’t fully invested myself in yet. I can truly own that, and I haven’t also been making it a true habit in order to go to the gym because I lack the mental focus and desire to be there every day or even every other day at this point. That’s a fault of mine, and today’s reading made me sit back and assess whether or not having a dream body was a true dream of mine, or if it was something I was doing just to please other people and myself. I definitely want to be healthier, but I have to make sure that I make it a habit to take care of myself, and remember the reason why I do what I do in order to have results. It’s all about refocusing my mind and desires, and knowing that the work that I put in will have results as long as I stay consistent and remember that the end goal will be worth it when I actually recalibrate the reason why I want to have a better body.

I want to have a better body, better eating habits, and better overall lifestyle because it’ll help me to feel more grounded as a whole: mind, body, and spirit. This is a refocus of mine that I’m working on, and I’ve lacked motivation because I haven’t grounded myself in the “why” completely. One of my dreams is to have a nice little chest for me to be able to look at in the mirror and feel good about, but I also have to remember that my body is my temple and I need to take care of it daily in order for it to be around for years to come. Refocusing my thinking is so important, and when I remember that that is the motivation, I can get in the gym and be good to go. I also have to remember that I don’t need to PUSH myself everyday while I’m at the gym. Me getting there at this point is half the battle, and every time that I’ve pushed myself to go the gym against my desire to be there, I’ve felt good after leaving because I’ve accomplished something. I hate the cheesy quote, but it’s true: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” This forever body won’t be built in a day either, and I have to remember that consistent work towards my goal is what is the most important to gaining what I want. I also have to remember my “why”, and I have to remember to motivate myself to remember that my “why” is that I want to be around on this Earth as long as the Universe will let me be, and my Higher Power will allow me to be here. I can assist in this by making sure I’m taking care of my temple as best as possible.

I want to compare this motivation for going to the gym with another motivation of mine: up-keeping this blog and writing in it consistently.

Daily, I find so much passion in writing in this blog. I find so much joy doing this work, and having people read the posts that I write. I wake up in the morning, excited to curate something new. A passion of mine is becoming a published author, and I know that through the practice of writing daily, it’s a great way for me to get closer to my goals. I also know that I stay motivated to write daily because it’s such a beautiful release for me, and I’m motivated because I know other people potentially can get something from my writing. I do this writing for me, first and foremost, but am grateful when others can gain something from the information and vulnerability that I share that other folks may struggle to. I love the idea of human connection, and if I’m the person that can keep it real and be the light for someone else, it legitimately makes me smile and feel like I’m shining and moving in my purpose. My motivation for keeping this blog full of posts and work is simple: I have a bigger goal in mind and I know that every day is a process and it’s something that I love doing. I have a clear vision as to my “why” when it comes to writing, and this is what keeps me invested in continuing to create daily, whether it’s something huge or not. Now, if only I were able to transfer this into me wanting to go to the gym…

But wait. I can. I have the choice to do such if I remember to motivate myself and do what I can slowly but surely. I look at me getting out into the world, walking around and getting fresh air for two hours as my exercise for the day. I mean, I was sweating like a pig, and if you know me personally, you know that I barely like to leave my house in the first place. So for me, to get out of the house and do something in the streets was a push for me. Baby steps. And this is something I can transfer to getting into the gym, watching what I eat, and staying healthy.

Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to be more motivated. You can’t hope for motivation, but you have to choose an ambition to be motivated for. You have to be rooted in your why, and not get distracted by other things that take you away from doing what needs to be done. You have to make choices that sustain the desire to keep going. This may be you enlisting someone else to make sure that they help you stay on top of tasks that you truly want to do. Sometimes, looking at it on a sticky note that you put on your wall and seeing that as your motivation regularly is just as important to have as a reminder. You have to have focus on what you want to achieve, because without focus, you will lack results. This goes back to the quote that I stated at the beginning. You can’t take your eyes off your goals and wait for the “right time” to start. Every day is not promised, and I want you to remember that. But every day that you have breath in your body, it’s an opportunity for you to be able to stay motivated and allow your desires to come to fruition if you are dedicated to it.

If you’re trying to become a YouTube star, an actor, a singer, or even the CEO of your own company, you have to stay motivated to do the work and have people in your corner that can assist you in keeping yourself accountable. People always won’t be there to hold you accountable, so you have to hold yourself accountable for your actions and your motivation first. If it’s something that truly matters to you, you’ll figure out a way to make something happen every day, little by little. Motivation only feels fickle to those that aren’t attentive to their ambitions and what they desire. Sometimes, you just have to set your goals daily and visualize what you want your end goal to be. The more effort you put into visualizing and internalizing what your end goal to be, the more you are able to see it come to pass.

Take some time today to think about what you truly want out of your life and go within. Ask yourself what you want for yourself and what new goal would be meaningful for you. What gives you excitement when it comes to learning or giving, and what great adventure do you dream of? What will push me out of bed each morning? When you can tap into those things and figure out what they are, and hold yourself accountable, knowing that the path won’t be easy, the more you are going to be able to get closer to your goals. It’s all about having faith, and expecting that it will happen no matter what because day by day, you’re making things happen. You may have to ask for help, but as long as you stay persistent in your pursuits, you’ll be good to go.

Visualize your goals, and internalize what it will take for you to get yourself where you want to be. Believe in yourself that your desires will happen. I know I believe in you, if you don’t think anyone else does. Your dreams will become a reality over time as long as you see yourself gaining what you want to see at the forefront of your life. And remember that every day is a step in the right direction as long as you continue to work towards your goals. 

Maybe you should take some time to journal about some of the things that I pushed you to read about today. Fixate on a dream and believe that it will see the daylight soon. Don’t take your eyes off your goals, and continue to do what’s necessary along the way to get one step closer.

“It is the obvious equation and the ultimate secret; the deeper and longer I give attention to my ambition and passions, the more motivation I feel.”

Stay up, stay motivated, and stay connected to your “why” on today. Are you really about that life? If you are, get to work.

Amen. Asé.

-gg