roadblock.

when you’re being redirected from the path that you planned, does that throw you off in a way that renders you unable to function? how do you react to setbacks when something that you planned or anticipated doesn’t happen the way that it’s supposed to?

this feeling and question came up for me this morning as i had a situation arise with something i was planning to transpire this upcoming week. i received notification that things would not happen as i anticipated, and i found myself initially feeling upset, let down, and frustrated. i began to worry about other things connected to this experience, and i woke up to this news so it felt like it was what was going to shape my day overall. after speaking to a friend and venting for a slight second, i was forced to remember how the Universe redirects you at times for your own safety. do you trust the way things happen in your life? do you trust what cannot be seen? if you cannot take a step back and allow the Universe to work its magic, are you truly functioning in the truth that the Universe wants you to have?

redirection can be one of the most annoying things to deal with. this is because we all have some idea in place or a situation we could potentially be excited for, and then all of a sudden…it is derailed. well, being thrown off track is a lesson in fact. it’s a lesson for you to take a step back and find another route to make your reality happen in a manner that’s best suitable for you in the moment. it also is the opportunity for the Universe and your Higher Power to work its magic in the interim also, and potentially open your world up to something you never may have anticipated. this belief and this understanding takes practice, but it also takes you being open to setbacks and re-routing your destination in a sense.

this practice isn’t easy, but you have a choice over how you react to these situations. will you react with anger and frustration, or will you react with peace, understanding, and move differently so that you don’t allow that negative energy to hang over your head? we all want things to go our way when WE want them to, but let’s just be honest: that isn’t realistic. it’s okay, also, that things don’t happen how we truly plan for them to. it shows us as humans how adaptable we are, and how we can recalibrate the route in order to get to success a different way. roadblocks aren’t always bad things – they can be put in the road for us to stop us from engaging in something that our Spirit does not need nor want in the moment. it also doesn’t mean that we won’t get what we want or deserve; it simply could just be the Universe’s way of saying “not right now”.

learn how to be more comfortable with allowing setbacks to be a part of your reality. every setback is a lesson on how to endure a difficult situation, and it teaches you resilience in any situation that comes your way. are you going to choose to be pissed and not make the best of your setback, or are you going to outsmart it and make it work for you? the choice is yours everyday.

amen. asé.

-gg

One Life.

Life is precious and meant to be lived to the fullest every day. You never know when God, your Higher Power, the Universe, whatever you believe in will take you off this Earth. We are all here to fulfill a journey and sometimes, those journeys are cut short because of the acts of others.

I write this in a state of mourning. A student of mine was shot and killed by a stray bullet during a shooting that was not even meant for him. He was playing basketball in the park with his friends after school yesterday and was shot in the head. This is the second student of mine I have lost within a year. One at my current location and one at a former location. I also just buried my stepbrother last year. Being an empath, death is such a hard pill to swallow. My whole body physically reacts to it a different way. I’ve been nauseous, lack of appetite, on the toilet at all times, having headaches, etc. You name it.

This whole week, I’ve been thinking and wanting to write in this blog, but hadn’t found the time to. I started hot yoga this week and went to that two days while being busy doing tarot card and oracle card readings for five hours one day, and having phone conversations with friends that were overdue and making meetings. I had this urge to write and just drop feelings into all of my writing and then, yesterday, I was hit by this devastating news.

This week was tough. It has been a series of ups and downs with my current work situation, missing my partner and not getting to spend as much time with him as I would like (even though he has been the biggest support and rock in my time of need lately, spending the night with me the past two nights just to make sure I’m okay), and just being fatigued. Add on top of that the fact that I’ve been getting sick and my body has just been feeling like it’s been shutting down. I’ve been at a place where I just feel like I have been trying to figure out what the Universe is trying to reveal to me through all that has transpired and how I can overcome it and still stay as positive as I can. I feel like I’m still in the middle of adjusting to everything in its own respect, and it hasn’t been the easiest. I have not been showing up the way that I inherently want to, and there are still some things that I wish were different; I’m grateful for where I am now compared to where I used to be, but I fight daily in order to stay grounded and just continue to be a light for myself and for others, knowing that that is my soul mission. However, when tragedy strikes and you don’t know how to process it properly, what do you do? How do you hold onto that light and still try and shine, even when you feel dull?

I realize that it’s always not going to be the easiest to shine, but fighters never give up and will never let darkness consume them. I’ve been equipped with the armor that allows me to light up no matter fucking what comes my way. I encourage you to remember that you have a light so bright inside of you that no matter what, you should be able to tap into it and light up no matter where you are. Every day won’t be the same as the one before, but remember that there is a purpose in the reason why you arise every day.

In this space of mourning, I begin to realize how short life is. This particular student was 16 years old. He had a whole life ahead of him. I turn 29 next month. I have a whole fuck of a lot to be grateful for. This poor soul, who was a sweet soul, was taken away from our academic community by senseless violence. I’ve always been someone who has feared leaving the house at times just because I never want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. In our current political climate as well as the area that I choose to live and work in, something is always going on, and I come home and thank my Ancestors daily when I return and when I wake up for keeping me covered and keeping me safe. I thank them daily for allowing me to have the space to share the love that they instilled in me with others (even when it comes with a little sass). I thank my Ancestors for choosing me to continue on – the reason I’m not sure of yet completely but I know it’s starting to come together as every day goes by and They will reveal what it is supposed to be when it is time. I also thank Them for keeping my loved ones safe daily.

I also realize that I have to take life by the reins instead of living in worry about things. We all have bills. We all have obligations. We all have things that distract us from joy. We must focus on what our soul needs, and that could be love, human interaction, alone time, socialization with new people, pushing ourselves outside our comfort zone, finding our voice in a way that’s uncommon to others but natural to us…whatever feels right, instead of judging yourself or worrying about the judgment of others. We only have one life to live and it’s important to make the most out of every moment, every day …you don’t know when your last breath is going to be.

Losing this student really hit me hard. I’ve lost friends along the years, and family members but when it comes to a student and you’re an educator…that’s a different type of loss. It feels like what I would imagine is like having your own child pass. I mean, I spend 7 hours with them daily, 5 days a week for over half a year. And this reminded me how important it is to show up for myself every day just as much as I try to show up for students. I have to be fully present and just follow my heart with everything that comes.

Bills will always be there. Financial struggles will always be there. Family issues will always be there. But if you allow that to derail you from what the Universe is trying to push you towards, you’re not really living – you’re just surviving. And there’s a complete difference between the two.

IMG_7362

Today, I decided to get a tattoo. If you’re familiar with Digimon, you may recognize the tattoo – it’s the Crest of Light that Kari possessed. 

Ep_32_Digimon

digimon_tag_with_kari__s_crest_of_light__view_1__by_chinookcrafts-d52oo0q

I’ve been thinking about getting this tattoo for a while. My partner is obsessed with Digimon and still knows all about it (I was a bigger Pokémon fan but still loved Digimon growing up) and I thought of what the idea of being light meant to me. The light was hidden until it was made to be shown in the show if I remember correctly. Because of the sacrifice Kari makes for the sake of others, her light finally shines and she’s revealed as the final Digidestined in the original series if I am not mistaken. (it’s been years since I’ve seen the show – I should probably ask my man all these questions but I’m going based off memory). Anyways – all this background story is beside the point. I’ve always been told that there is a light that shines around me when new people meet me. Strangers that don’t know me have always commented on the light that surrounds me. It’s one of the most humbling comments I have ever received in my life, and any time someone comes to me and tells me this just based off an initial interaction, it just reminds me that my heart is pure and I’m in the right place at the right time to receive those words. Carrying this light is legitimately one of my goals in life and what keeps me happy. I wanted to get the tattoo for about 2-3 months, before my 29th birthday.

I used to be on a 2-year plan: first at 18, second at 20, third at 22…then my alcoholism really started to rear its ugly head and I just wasn’t myself in any way, shape or form. Within the last two years, however, I’ve found and reclaimed this new sense of power and light that I wanted to commemorate before I turned 29 so I could stick to my 2-year plan. This was what I chose and I chose to get it done today because I realize…

Bitch, I will always be worried about someone’s bill. Bitches will get their money. I’ll eat somehow (even though I could stand to lose maybe 5 pounds or something). I will always be concerned about finances because that’s how I was raised – to always be aware of where money is going. But when you’re gone off this Earth…then what? Spend while you can. Travel while you can. I’m not saying go crazy, but at the same time…enjoy your fucking life while you can. I’m learning how important it is to follow your intuition and follow your heart instead of always allowing your head to get in the way of things. Logical thinking is great in some situations, but at times it is much more important to listen to the voice within. That’s because your angels always have something to say to you and it takes a person of sound mind and a willingness to be able to listen to their gut and go for what they want to. Today, I felt led to just let go of worry and do what I’d been wanting to do for quite some time. And I’m happy that I did.

It has not been easy lately, but something my mother said this week stuck with me. She made mention of how when things feel like you’re in a pressure cooker and you don’t feel like where you are is the place you’re supposed to be, it’s preparation for something better. You’re gathering the materials necessary to succeed at a different level, and she’s right. Everything is boiling and the lid feels like it is about to blow off, but I know that I have the tools to keep it together and take some time to learn from every single moment I am afforded and continue to show gratitude for the opportunity to learn daily.

I ask anyone that reads this to hug their loved ones. Send a text to someone today that really is out of nowhere – I had a friend from high school I haven’t spoken to in probably 7 years call me out of nowhere without knowing what was going on and we just got to catch up and show each other love. Those interactions matter. People deserve to know they matter at all times because you never know what day will be someone’s last day or what could have been said if you just jumped and followed your spirit to show love and be light.

I know that I vow to do what I’m doing and continue to not worry about being perfect at all times, go with what tools I have instilled inside of me because of the light that I carry, and use it for good.

I’m scared/anxious to go to work Monday, mainly because I’m still grieving in my own way and so are my students, but this is what you do for family no matter how they became your family. And let me tell you – I’m grateful for mine, even in times of tragedy. This has brought our community together in such a sad way, and I need to remember that I have a job on this Earth that my Higher Power put me here to complete and I will be the best I can with what I have this week.

You only have one chance to live. Be smart, and make the most of every moment you can at every turn.

Love.Light.Listen.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

#E4T

 

Remember me, September.

Happy September, and the beginning of a brand new month. I believe that the first of the month is always a time to be stressed because of bills and shit, but it’s also a time to set intentions and look at what you can positively manifest for what you want to see come to the surface for the month. Today is a special day for me personally, as I’m celebrating an anniversary with a special someone and I look forward to what the day has in store for me.

September is that time of year where we all know school is back in session, Fall is right around the corner, and we are about to step into a new energy and a different cycle of time. It’s said that September is a time of completion, as it is the last month of the 3rd part of the year. I think of all the things that I have learned throughout the summer, and I ask you to reflect on how summer was for you. Did you have a great summer? Did you make new relationships or friendships? Was your summer completely insular? Did you start a new endeavor or have a new vision come to the forefront for you, and now you want to make sure that you follow through with it? Think of what September can bring in terms of completion, and finishing up what you feel is necessary for you to transcend to another level. I always feel like September for me is the time to stop, take a second to think about what has happened up until this point, and then anticipate what I want the end of my year to look like. October is my birth month, so this is always the perfect time for me to start to manifest and plan for what I want to transpire as the rest of the year comes to a close and I celebrate a new year of life. 2018 has flown by if you think about it, and think of how far you have come and how much you have grown as a person this year.

I’ll get a little personal – I began this year in a fog, I feel like. I was in a deep depression (I experience seasonal depression already, and battling anxiety and depression without being medicated properly at the time) and was looking for clarity. Even though I was on a good level of connection with the Universe, a Higher Power and something outside of my physical self, I still wasn’t able to clearly achieve what I wanted out of life. I have some not-so-fond memories of me not advocating for myself, being harassed at work verbally and physically, and literally sleeping my life away because I was just so sad that I wasn’t where I felt like I needed to be. As time passed on, I began to relapse back into old habits that didn’t serve me at all. For those that don’t know me well, at the very beginning of the year, I was about a year and 5 months into sobriety from alcohol. As stress started to pile onto me, I began to go back to my old ways, thinking I had overcome the battle with alcohol that was plaguing me. This was not the case at all, as I was starting to see old parts of myself come back to the surface. I was in therapy at the time, and I remember feeling a lot of guilt and anguish around my return to alcohol. I still couldn’t find a way to put the bottle down, and thought that the situations I was enduring weren’t as bad as they were back before I became sober the first time. I found other outlets in order to curb my pain and anxiety, but they weren’t the healthiest outlets, so I went back to what I knew. I was still meditating, and doing what I felt was necessary to remain peaceful…but that wasn’t really serving its purpose. The bottle really hurt my spirit and my soul, and I began to feel lost. For those of you that know that alcohol is a depressant, drinking and being a person who deals with depression is NOT a good mix. I don’t recommend it to anyone because it only brings you more unhappiness and confusion in your life.

In therapy however, I began to find my voice. I began to find out that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I was able to come to the realization that my negative self talk was keeping me from being successful in my endeavors. I realized that I never thought I was good enough, or second guessed my abilities. I then began to realize that I was letting outside forces take over my beliefs, and came to the conclusion that I needed to look at myself first and build myself up more. I had all the tools right in front of me, but was blind to them. I began to learn that advocating for yourself isn’t a bad thing. Speaking up isn’t a bad thing. Owning your truth may seem uncomfortable for others, but it’s your own damn truth. I started to realize how much power I actually possessed, and how I was able to come even further than I had ever thought. I began to grow in therapy, and learned what I needed in order for me to feel at peace with myself.

I began the journey of self-love and truly appreciating who I am and not taking shit from anyone, no matter who they were: a boss, a friend, a lover, anyone. I learned what it was to make boundaries for myself, which I had never done in my life; I always thought it necessary to placate other people’s desires and that was the problem. I wasn’t putting myself first, and I have learned how to do that with a spirit of humbleness and strength these days. As the year has progressed and into the summertime, I was able to meet someone and learn from them some of the things that I never got to experience in companionship. I was able to build stronger relationships and be open with my friends and myself, regardless of judgment. I began to connect even more to my Higher Power, converse with my Ancestors without feeling judgment, and felt like my eyes finally opened. I began to own my space. I started this journey with writing again, which has been a passion of mine for years, but had waned over the past ~7 months. This blog was birthed not just for me, but to help others out there who may experience some of the same feelings I have and to reassure them that they aren’t alone. It was my way of doing service and giving back in my authentic, genuine way. That has made me so much stronger. I also started my sobriety journey again, and truly feel even stronger this time around. Now, I’m at a place where things aren’t still ‘perfect’ but it’s not life if everything is perfect. I’m happy, and always am growing towards a stronger place.

I urge you to take some time to reflect on what has made your year either amazing, tumultuous, depressing, happy, transformative…whatever adjective you would like to choose. I also want you to then think about and manifest what you would enjoy the rest of your year to be like, and how you can take action to make this happen. Just praying about it or meditating on it isn’t enough. Without proper action, you cannot gain what is necessary for you to feel at peace and see the hard work you put out there come to pass. You have to choose wisely in regards to what is beneficial for you, and what’s beneficial for others. You came into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone sadly – all the in-between is your opportunity to make decisions for yourself and live life to it’s highest capacity and for your greatest good. The journey is never over, and you are learning every day. It’s not always going to be a happy day. It’s not always going to be a sad day. But as long as you have breath in your body, you have choice. I choose to make sure that I do things that bring me joy, that keep me grounded, and that make me feel like I’m doing what is necessary for me to progress the way I want. I am nowhere near perfection, but who really is? Anyone that seems like they have the perfect life is bullshitting you, and social media and people’s walls will make you believe that everything is okay. The more that you are open with the changes you want, and have a tribe of people that support your endeavors, the more you are able to manifest and live the life of joy that you want.

These are two of the cards I pulled today. One is from my tarot deck, and the other is from my oracle deck. The tarot card is Xapaná/Babaluallé/Omolú and it’s a figure of a man fully covered by a kind of straw. The straw is around him to show that he has no shape. He’s related to matters of health to help make the correct treatment for what’s necessary for your betterment. He is popular and known as the saint that cures plagues and smallpox. When I think of plagues, this can be an emotional plague or an actual physical plague. He is the one that is said to be the healer of certain diseases. Because he is someone who is able to concentrate so deeply, it is said that his analysis is critical and his comments are sharp – basically, he is a straight shooter.

Think of what you need to do in order to be a straight shooter today in all endeavors. Sometimes, we cover ourselves up and have this shroud of mystery because we think we are saving ourselves from something or saving others from something. If you think about it, all you do when you shade yourself from others is legitimately hurt yourself from getting to the place you want to be. Be forthcoming in what you want in your life, and especially with the energy in the Universe we are experiencing, you can most definitely ensure that it’s time to boss the fuck up and do what is necessary for you to feel at peace.

It is said that the meaning of this card is a high fraternal and spiritual sense. You have a spirit of service and strong imagination and organizing mind. You are sensitive to the pain of others, physically and spiritually. You’re always willing to cooperate as much as possible, and this quality is more noticeable as time passes. You have the ability to recover and improve yourself from a certain state. Even though the card is inverted, since this card is the only one I pulled, I believe there are no bad vibes that come from this unless you choose not to take heed to these words I’ve shared. You can recover from whatever blunder you may feel you’re in the middle of, but as you see, it’s not done alone. It’s done through having a spirit of service and having a spirit of openness. Ensure that you are being honest with yourself and others, and doing what is necessary for you to progress. Honor how far you have come today, and celebrate the lessons you have learned with others. This is the only way to gain true salvation and understanding and be a true vision of service and manifestation towards goodness.

The oracle card Choose Wisely comes when you have a vision or goal you want to achieve, but you have scattered energies and unrealistic expectations that prevent you from getting what you desire. There are many opportunities out there, but you have to make a decision on what is going to be best for you. It reminds you that options that all around you and may appear to have all the influence and power, but you are the person that is in control and responsible for all the choices you make. This segues into you making the proper decisions that are going to help benefit you as time goes on in life. Make sure that you are taking the time today and for the rest of the month to think, analyze carefully, look at all possibilities in front of you, and take action. This card is outlined in green because it’s a card that deals with your emotions, and you want to ensure you are going into any situation with the clearest set of feelings probable in order to make the decision that’s going to benefit you for the better. Don’t be hasty just because you feel like you HAVE to do something – we are all given free will to do whatever is necessary for our greatest good. Don’t be influenced by others that don’t know what is best for you – this is a good time to heighten your intuition and be in tune with yourself and your own personal desires. Be focused. Be wise. Don’t make decisions out of desperation. Just be true to yourself and what is going to help you be at your best self – not things made out of extreme emotions.

This month, I want you to focus on how you can be of service to self first, but also service to others. Take into account what you can be responsible for and what you can control. Think about all options that are out there, and how you can use all these options to your benefit in the way that Spirit wants you to. Follow your gut/intuition, and make decisions that are going to help you live this month of September at your happiest, most sincere level. Meditate or pray on what is going to bring you true and utter peace. Remember that you are the only one that has to live with you at the end of the day, and as Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race says…CHOICES. You have the choice to do what’s best for you.

A little mantra for you to go forth on today and think about as this month goes on:

“Mother Earth, I am your child. Thank you for being here. It feels so good to be here on this planet. Today, I vow to do my very best to help you along in your evolution. I know that as you grow and evolve, I will too. Thank you for all of your blessings to this point in my life. I feel very blessed.”

Repeat this a couple of times, and go forth and prosper today and for the rest of this month of September. Remember, you got the juice, as my baba says to me. It just takes you recognizing that you do and you are going to allow whatever is necessary for you to feel whole to come to pass. I believe in you. And I love you.

Amen. Asé.

-gg