fighting myself.

self sabotage. i push people away when i don’t intend to. i don’t know why my brain has wired itself to want to make people or myself feel as though i can’t get close to someone else or that everyone is going to push me away, but it’s just something i feel like i’ve dealt with for ages.

growing up, i was called a demon because of my sexuality. all of the things that i was praised for were never just being myself – they were wrapped up in my accomplishments. they were always because of me doing well in school. me getting full rides to do a variety of programs. the actual act of having something that was tangible is something that i have always held onto. that masculine sense of self. while i fought against the mentality of knowing that the things that weren’t able to be seen on the surface weren’t as important. at least that’s the narrative that i have internalized after all these years.

fast forward almost thirty years into the future and i feel like a complete wreck at times. i feel like i have been struggling just to hold it together in my brain. i feel like sometimes i sabotage myself in a way that takes me steps back. i know i have made progress in my life in some ways but i don’t feel like i am where i need to be in any way, shape or form. this goes back to that masculine sense of self that i have been fighting to always prove that i possess.

i have always heard from my grandmother she wants me to grow up to be the man that ‘God intended’. well, who is that? i know God very well. i know spirit very well. i know source energy has been blessing me in so many different ways, but i always focus on the negative. when you come from a space of always having situations transpire that aren’t the most…pleasant, you tend to focus on what’s NOT going well. i can honestly admit that i tend to focus on the bad over the good because the bad is what i want to manifest into being good all the time. and when it’s not instantaneous i tend to get very hurtful towards my self worth and harm myself in ways that is hard to explain.

i’ve been dealing with an addiction issue for quite some time. do you know how hard it is in order to be healed from addiction? do you know how much work and money it costs to be healed from that? do you also know how hard it is in order to be able to not go back to typical triggers/actions that take away from you being in the space that you need to be? well bitch i’ll be the first to tell you, it ain’t easy.

i’m working daily to try and get myself back to a better place. to find myself in a happier spirit. to make sure that i’m not always going back to the “old actions” that i tend to fall into. but it’s like, the more apt you are to do something all the time when it’s natural, the easier it is to just fall into that trap.

waking up and realizing that those traps are not where i want to be is the god honest truth. i petition to the ancestors consistently to take it away. i’ve alienated myself so much as of late because i don’t feel worthy of being loved because of my shortcomings. i am reminded daily that i am loved …but i hate that i tend to hurt the people that matter most to me when i’m hurting myself. and i don’t want to do that. it’s just the way i was wired. and i’m working on trying to do surgery on those different lines so that way i can pull myself out of my rut.

i spend my days these days looking for outpatient alcohol abuse programs. i spend my days right now calling people trying to figure out what is the next step. i can’t even begin to explain how many psychiatrists i’ve spoken to. my therapist is on speed dial. the various outpatient rehab programs always take my information and then tell me that it’s going to cost me $800 a day or so JUST to take care of myself. how am i supposed to pay for my apartment? my amenities. i know that i am grateful to have a roof over my head. i just don’t want to lose that. and i’m not even able to work right now because i consistently have panic attacks. i’m having anxiety attacks regularly as to where i just shell up and disappear. and then find myself back falling into the vices that set me down the wrong path in the first place.

i say i want to get better. and that’s not a lie in any way, shape, or form. it takes a lot of work. it takes a lot of time. and it takes a lot of fucking money. which i don’t have right now. but i’m not giving up. i’m the last bitch to give up on themselves.

yes, i may experience some setbacks more often than others. but i don’t want to give up hope on myself. God didn’t allow me to come this far to give up hope. and therefore, i’m going to continue to figure out what needs to be done in order to see the light again.

i miss being happy. i miss being secure. i miss feeling like i had a grasp on things. everything feels like it’s slipping…

 

slipping…

 

slipping away. and i just want to yoke that bitch by the hair and tell her ‘no bitch. not this time. we’re doing this together whether we like it or not’.

change doesn’t happen overnight. change doesn’t happen instantaneously. it takes time. it takes patience. and i have to work on all that.

i didn’t know where else to write this. i didn’t know how to call out for help. but lemme tell you. all i want right now?

i just want that ‘me’ back that could actually wake up, feel good about himself, treat those in his life with kindness and first and foremost…treat himself with such.

the divinity in me sees the divinity in my circumstance. once all this is said and done, i know it’ll be…more than my heart can even imagine.

amen. asé.

-gg

Tarot Pull – 8.7.18 – The Outcast

Buenos días. I send lots of love and light and comfort to each person taking the time to read today’s post. I also send a lot of power. This week, energetically, has a lot going on in the cosmos. Tomorrow is the opening of the Lionsgate Portal, which is going to bring about a lot of energy that helps you to tap into your empathic energy (or even raise your empathic energy if you already are one), and also bring a lot more love into the Universe and your surroundings. We also have an eclipse happening at the end of the week that is going to be monumental to your glow-up phase. You may have been having an off week thus far, and feeling a little conflicted in various ways. I know I have personally, so if you’re feeling a bit off, don’t forget to learn how to reset yourself and breathe through this. It’s totally normal. All these retrogrades ain’t no hoe.

This morning during meditation, I took some time to practice using some of the Mudras. Mudras are hand gestures rooted in Hinduism and Buddhism. While I do not practice either of these religions/spiritualities, I use them during meditation in order to help me seal in energy that I want to enact for the day. They’re used a lot in yoga, and while I’m not a yogi, I intend one day to get to that space where I’m able to use more yoga practices in my daily life in order to center my energy. Today I used the Power Mudra (listed below) in order to help me make sure that I flow through my day with power. If you meditate, you can use some of these in order to seal the energy that you want throughout the day. You don’t have to be Buddhist or Hindu in order to use the Mudras, and I have noticed that my practice of using them while meditating helps me feel even more alive afterwards. There are many different mudras (the link above has different ones for yoga practices), so you have a number you can use while meditating.

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Moving forward, I want to get into today’s tarot card pull, which I found very interesting, in light of something I read yesterday. Today’s tarot card pull was The Outcast.

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I pulled this card after doing some dice divination. I rolled a 4 twice (I have two sets of dice I roll every morning in order to think about a number I want to keep in mind a day – how many times I take deep breaths when triggered, how many people I check in with a day, etc) and this is the card that I pulled after shuffling 4 times, and removing the first 3 cards off the top of the deck to get to the fourth one. This is what I pulled.

Now, I was reading somewhere on a site I visit frequently, Forever Conscious, about how important it is this week to take some time to disconnect from social media and everyone else and spend time to connect to nature and your thoughts and what is going on with your personal energy.

As we look at this card, we see a naked man, in a carefree and contemplative manner, stretching as if he just accomplished some really difficult work. He is in a very divine pose, if you ask me, and really just submitting himself to everything around him.

“The bag he carries on his shoulder contains the minimum a human being may have. His lips hold a flower, a symbol of innocence and näiveté. His legs are crossed, showing that he can change his position as he pleases. One foot is slightly propped up and is being pecked by a bird, causing him pain – the only feeling that will call him back to reality and prevent him from falling into complete emptiness. The other foot is twisted in an uncomfortable, though not impossible position. In spite of being on the edge of a precipice, he turns his back to it and holds lightly onto a palm tree. [This card] is called “the outcast” because, within several African tribes, a person who did not abide by the rules of his social group had only one alternative: exile.”

A couple of things I want to pull out here are that he is trying to hold onto the lightest amount of baggage he can. He’s not trying to carry anything with him that isn’t necessary. Are you holding onto things of the past that are weighing down on you right now? If so, I believe it’s time to let them go. Are you allowing things or people that don’t necessarily serve your greater good to hold you back? Let them go. Him being pecked by this rooster, in the picture, is causing him pain, and bringing him back to reality. Sometimes, we have people or situations that don’t allow us to be in our most powerful states because we are so worried about perception of how others will receive us when we are functioning at our highest selves. When we are not following the crowd, we tend to feel exiled or like we do not fit in. Is there a problem in being exiled for following what you believe YOU need for your own good? I think not, personally.

If you struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out), is it because you think the situation/event you’re missing out on is worth your time, or do you just want to be a part of the crowd? Or do you consider thinking about how you would rather not energetically be in that space and how it may affect your being? Take some time to think about this. It says that when people in these African cultures didn’t follow the crowd, they would be exiled. Normally, exile, or isolation as I want to refer to it in this case, has always seemed like a bad thing. But, at times, that isolation is what allows you to focus and harness your personal power in a way that you wouldn’t be able to unless you are by yourself, focusing on yourself. Take some time to ponder on this.

“The chosen animal, a rooster, awakens us from a lethargic state. This is not a casual selection. The rooster is chosen because this brave fowl does not exude adrenaline as a result of fear.” Essentially, don’t be fearful of what you’re missing out on. You deserve you-time, and make sure you take this time in order to function at your highest good.

The meaning of this card is that [it might be] “overwhelming and difficult to handle situation(s) or attitude(s). Uneasiness, nervousness, but lightheartedness at the same time. Childish behavior, laziness, complacence, lyricism; immoderate, unrestrained and misunderstood altruism. Hypersensitivity, although seemingly numb to feelings, which may be a mental block. Need to suffer to mature. Total incongruity, sickness, madness, yet geniality at the same time, meaning that he is not using his powers, intelligence, or creative imagination, which is significant.”

Whoa. That’s a lot to take in, even for me as I dive into this. I think of myself and a lot of my personal journey in life. I have been undergoing a transformation internally for quite some time, and it’s been lonely at times. I also have been in emotional spaces where I feel alone, and don’t know who to reach out to, and feel like I need someone there in order to make me feel better. I’ve been hypersensitive myself to things around me at times, but as days have gone on, that has gone away. Why? I realize that my path is for me and not for everyone else. I’m choosing to mature myself, and sometimes, suffering is part of the maturation process. I think of certain battles I’ve been experiencing, such as focusing on my job process, and other instances in my sobriety that have at times in the past made me feel like an outcast. Ironically enough, I don’t feel guilty as much as I used to. I’m moving past feeling like being an outcast or just being ‘different’ is a bad thing. You have to realize that your journey on this planet is special for you, and at times, others won’t get it. You will have people that are in your corner and understand, but the lot won’t.

Are you taking time to daydream and think about what you actually want in your energy? Are you taking time to value what’s important to you, and no one else? You always don’t need to provide an answer to others. Sometimes, you just need to have faith and trust that what is for you is for you and will come in due time. Otherwise, this card can reflect a lot of negative behaviors that cause you to be in a space that doesn’t serve your spirit, and your isolation can be seen as negative. Everyone needs their time to recharge, and you deserve the opportunity to do such. Cut out and cut off what doesn’t resonate with your spirit, or else you can find yourself in spaces that you are mentally blocked off and can’t function. I don’t want that for you, and I’m sure you don’t want that for yourself.

“His reactions are hard to explain, understand, or control. He sees the trees, but not the forest. He loses himself in unnecessary details and his priorities change. His love affairs are conflicting and morbid, and he tends to abandon them. He may be a great poet who will never finish a single tercet, a great musician who will never perform his symphony, etc.” 

Are you losing yourself in unnecessary details for your own personal growth? Are you allowing yourself to just see what’s right in front of you, instead of the grand picture? Are you taking time to really think about what’s most important for you? Do you have a vision of what you want, forgetting about always pleasing others? As someone who has grown up and internalized a life of people pleasing, I am constantly working past putting others before myself. In my line of work, that’s natural for me to put others before me. But, you also have to connect back to the boundaries that you want to set in place in order to make sure that you are functioning at your greatest potential and not letting yourself be taken advantage of. Being an outcast can be positive or negative, based on how you frame your thinking around it. Sometimes, you just need to be alone in order to receive what the Universe and your Ancestors have for you. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people – you are your first priority and with the help of your own personal Higher Power or your deepest connection to self, you can ensure that you are isolating yourself when you need to reconnect to what’s most important. That’s your personal path and personal growth. Everyone ain’t made to go along with you, especially if they’re not helping you grow to the space you see yourself being and the person you want to become.

‘If you have no direction, you may tend to find yourself doing things outside your character. You may lack tenderness and love in some aspect. If you find yourself in this situation, change immediately to avoid sinking into the abyss. Do not wait until pain knocks at your door to bring you to reality. If it is not you, but another person, help immediately to free them from that freezing catharsis. Remember: they need affection and understanding immediately.’

As you read this, you may be thinking – hey, I’m actually doing my own thing, feeling good, looking good, flourishing, drinking my water and hydrating, minding my own fucking business. You also could know of a person who is drowning themselves in personal sorrow and doesn’t even realize the damage that they are causing by not functioning in their true light. It’s not your job to judge – it’s your job to guide them to the light. The best way is by trying to show them that you understand, and lead with love today. Remember, you may have been outcast at one point, and someone may have pulled you out of your shell or out of your depression in order to show you the light. We are all on this Earth to connect with one another. Everyone doesn’t always have to be outcast or alone forever in order to gain what they need in regards to their salvation and happiness. You can be that light for them if you see them suffering. Wouldn’t you want that same love and affection back to you?

If you feel like this is you, wake the actual fuck up, strap them boots on, and do the work that is necessary deep down. That may take you taking a step back from the things you normally would do, reassess what is happening around you, and re-emerge when you feel ready. But also, remember that there is someone that you can reach out to if you need that compassion and that love. If you are reading this and don’t feel like you have a ‘person’, I’m willing to be that person for you. Yes, I admit and accept that I am not a perfect person, but I am willing and able to be the light for others in a way that you may not be able to be for yourself. Take the charge of thinking about what is important for you to feel like you are functioning on your personal path towards your own happiness and joy. It’s your birthright to feel that, and if you feel yourself sinking like a ship, it’s time to hop off that bitch and re-pot yourself so you can grow into the beautiful flower that you are. If you see someone else sinking and you are already strapped in strong to your power, reach out to others to make sure that they don’t drown. Everyone needs and deserves an understanding friend or person in their life that will support them. I’m grateful for those people in my life, and all they have done to save me from myself in ways. (shoutout to my tribe and my partner <3)

Pay it forward on today. If you need some time to recalibrate, do such. No one should judge you and if they do, they’re not a part of the social circle you need to be in. Your tribe will come to you in your time of need, and those are the people that will feed your spirit the way that you deserve.

I hope this makes sense. Live in power today, find your true passions, take time for yourself, and don’t drown yourself in sorrow if you’re feeling lonely. Reach out to others for help if necessary, and remember that there’s always someone there, ready and willing to help you if you ask for it.

I love you, if no one else has told you this today.

Amen. Asé.

-gg