breakup: an ode to a dumb bitch.

the first time i met you, i hated you. you made me sick. i remember being introduced to you, being told that it would help me to become a man. that was a distant memory ago…almost fifteen years. i never thought i would see you again.

three years later however, you appeared in my life during a tumultuous time. i was free! i was able to do whatever i so choose. and all the cool kids were doing it. being able to cop you was something for a couple of years that was illegal to do, so getting other friends to help a brotha out when it came to enjoying you was one of the things i found super exciting. there was a sense of fellowship you brought. a sense of just having fun. you used to make me escape from the realities of what was going on around me. bad grades. friendships and feeling like i wasn’t worthy of being friends with the people i would have killed to give my left kidney to. and i found solace in you instead of finding you as just a fun time here and there. you still made me sick, but you always gave me the time to be able to recount what happened the night before with others (sometimes alone) with either happiness or a huge bout of shame.

i remember never wanting to let you go. you became a staple in my life. you became something that everywhere i turned, everyone wanted to hang out with you. and because i was so desperate to be a part of the in-crowd, because i was struggling with loving myself for my weight, my eczema, my belief that i actually mattered…you helped me to be in spaces that would help me erase all those thoughts and actually have…fun again.

baby, you followed me everywhere. after moving once again, i found myself in a space where you were the most accessible i had ever had in my life, and the new group of people that i was able to spend time with treated you as their savior. it was the custom in their culture to be able to have you come chill out with us, and i began to feel myself even more. dance. be free. not worry about my obligations completely. you saved me from hurting myself, it felt like…until the next morning when i would hear about the damage you and i would experience. i also was in spaces where i didn’t have people who thought twice about what we were doing. you forced me to fight strangers. you forced me to act beside myself and completely end up places i didn’t want to. you allowed me to sleep with strangers even though i didn’t want to. you manipulated me into believing that running around the streets without clothes was a smart idea until the police came and saved me. and i never saw you, even then, as someone who was hurting me. you continued to whisper in my ear that this is what life was and what it was supposed to be for me. and i just accepted that. i didn’t question you at all.

you made me angry. you made me disappear and run away a lot. you manipulated me into thinking that all of the pain and despair i was experiencing would go away because you would help me. you and i became best friends because i felt like you were the only person that was there for me in a way that no one else would ever understand. you helped me to erase my hurt.

and then you had me get arrested. because i wasn’t in my right mind. i remember after talking to you one night (well, we chit chatted and then you took me out) waking up to a hospital bed, chained, being told that i was arrested. you made me go through probation. you told me that i would be okay and those situations were just part of the process, but there was no reason to break up with you. because i trusted you and you were still there.

you made me pee on myself quite often. you made me hurt others in the process of acting out. you told me that others wouldn’t get me and that i was your only salvation no matter what. you told me that the triggers and traumas that i couldn’t get out of my head from all the sexual assaults i experienced would go away. you made me want to talk about them to strangers, not even the friends that i thought i could trust to understand. you completely changed my brain to all i knew…was to be dependent on you to see me through.

your presence in my life forced me to hurt the ones that were closest to me. and apologies to them never went over well. but you always forgave me and wanted me to come back and see about you.

and i did.

because the flesh is weak, and my mind and spirit believed that you weren’t going to hurt me anymore.

i gave you up for quite some time because one day, you and i decided to go out for an evening and you made me pass out. you had me ridiculed by people i thought were friends. you allowed others to take pictures of me and allow it to float around social media because you knew that this wasn’t that big of a deal. but you weren’t the one that had to wake up and seize the day again. you got me evicted. you and i were homeless together. but yet and still, you were the one that stayed around.

i knew it was time to take a step back from you. you beckoned and called me for ages. you always would pop up in spaces that i wanted to attend, but was scared that i would hurt myself or others again. you stopped my friends from talking in the sense of ‘saving me’, and it worked…for a little while. and then the old traumas began to rear their ugly head. and you found me again in my lowest state.

you and i became friends again. i forgave you. i thought because i had some time to re-evaluate our relationship, we would be able to walk hand in hand into the sunlight.

well, i am here to tell you.

you’re one manipulative, no-good, stank bitch. you’re a liar.

nothing good came from it. ever.

and because of me continuing to age and you were not, i saw myself just falling back into old habits. this time, it wasn’t as worse as when we became friends. but i noticed how you tended to take away my identity. my self. my heart of gold. a heart i couldn’t share with others, and was fearful of the repercussions that my truth would make others feel.

you were the only person i felt like was truly there that supported me. but it was all a facade. you played me. you wrecked my life. and i can’t forgive you for that. you made me an addict.

now, i’ve realized how evil you are. i see others engage with you and pray for their safety. i see you move on from me and work on others, trying to take them out the game. but guess what, honey?

i found my soul again. i found my spirit again. i realized my beauty once more. i haven’t completely come to terms with it all. but that takes times. but i will let you know that alcohol, you were the devil that i danced with for 14 years. and i don’t want to go back to the self loathing.

the loss of friendships.

the loss of myself.

the loss of my heart.

the loss of my intelligence.

the loss of my sense of peace.

the disappointment in self i have felt for years.

the loss of recognizing my talents and my beauty.

 

at this point. i’m ready to square up with you on site. you’ve taken so much of my life away from me, and now i’m reclaiming it back. because of you, i can’t function without mood stabilizers. i can’t function without medication to tell me that you are the devil and don’t belong in my spirit. my depression, anxiety, PTSD, former self-hate have a couple of words they wanted to share.

 

you don’t belong here anymore.

 

it sucks living in a city where socializing is all around drinking and going out. i suffer from social anxiety so i love to be lubricated. but for now…i’m just going to call on my Ancestors, my Higher Power, my deities, God Himself, to keep me here.

i won’t lose. that’s ONE thing that’s not in my DNA.

amen. asé.

-gg

Warrior Work.

Being free is being able to release the chains of your past. It’s so important to recognize what those chains are that hold you back from being the truest representation of yourself. A lot of the time, the chains that are holding us back from our greatness are chains that have been imposed on us by others. A lot of the times, we are blinded by the fact that these chains exist because we are so used to lugging them around. When we aren’t able to pay attention to the small components and pieces of language that people can impose upon us, we don’t recognize it as us being bound by what they project onto us. These chains, however, are self-imposed because we are allowed to pick and choose what we allow to hold us back. The thing about it though?

No one has ever explicitly taught us that.

Yes, we can ignore or refute when someone completely steps out of line with us and we know that it doesn’t align with our own personal truth. But what about when certain actions that happen to us trigger us to become paralyzed and completely forget about who we are and what actually matters to us at our core? When we are frozen and forget to realize who and what our true selves are? There are sometimes experiences that we all go through that hinder us from being able to loose ourselves of what is holding us back; the reason why we stay underwater, drowning and confused is because no one ever has taught us how to heal and move past the traumas that we have experienced.

Now, I’m not about to sit here and act like I’ve been paying attention to the news like a hawk. I know bits and pieces about what’s going on in regards to our political climate. But there has been a reason why I have taken somewhat of a step back from social media and all of the hysterics that have been going on:

  1. I can’t believe this is the world that I am living in and this is the reality of the country that I call home.
  2. I identify with those brave souls who have spoken out and spoken up for those who have had to remain voiceless, and I haven’t completely worked through my own trauma and mindset when it comes to these situations.
  3. Even though I have a background in International Studies and took Political Science courses (and I should be more well-versed and into these topics), they legit take me to a lower frequency than where I want to be.

I want to focus on number 2 right now, mainly though. I salute those that have come forth to speak about their experiences with assault and standing up against those that have done wrong by them. As someone who has experienced being sexually assaulted by men three times over the course of my life, I never realized how much it has affected me in my adulthood, and also the importance of releasing that trauma and lovingly letting that bullshit go in my life. The idea of freedom from those chains has been something that has haunted me my whole life.

They have made me believe that I’m not worthy enough to be with someone because I’m only looked at as a playtoy.

They have made me believe that I am only someone that is looked at as having something pure, and that purity is something that is wanted to be taken from me regularly by strangers.

They have made me somewhat unable to feel like I can connect with someone on a sexual level and actually sustain that level of sexual fervor with them – I mean, I am a Scorpio and you would think that by what ‘society says’ about Scorpios, I would be out here sucking and fucking but that’s not the case.

I actually have been traumatized by all those experiences, and have never had the ability to confront those that have violated me in a variety of ways.

And I never will truly have the opportunity to. I figured just erasing them from my life was the best way, or legitimately not being able to contact these people because I don’t know where they are out there and I can’t verbalize to them the impact they have had on me as an adult.

These are reasons why I respect any person who can speak about their sexual trauma and actually have the balls to confront those that have wronged them. Those that can actually own the fact that they have been a victim of being violated, and own the fact that they will not let that person keep them bound by their potential self-hatred or confusion when it comes to thinking about and loving who they are.

Those experiences in my life completely changed how I view every relationship I have and make me second guess who I let into my life in any way – I always feel like people want something from me, and that’s not fair to everyone. Yes, my past helps shape my current and then bleeds into my future, but it’s also something that I can’t hang over everyone’s head. One thing that I have learned through all of those experiences is that when my vibration was completely not on the frequency it is now, I was blind and naive and …I still don’t blame myself for that. I blame the other person for seeing someone who was pure and doe-eyed and even though my words may have said one thing, the people who were responsible for said assaults were facing their own demons that they obviously forced onto me.

I can’t do anything but lovingly release them and that trauma from my life. Now, I’m not saying I’m healed in any way just because I’m writing this. I’m still working through this and my truth, like many survivors of assault, do. I’m just at a place right now where I refuse to continue to be silent about it, and act like it didn’t happen or I’m weak because of it.

Yes, I’m a victim of repeated sexual assaults. Yes, it has had an effect on how I live day to day, and how I show up in my relationships regularly. Yes, I have had to learn the hard way compared to others in some instances, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And I lovingly release the hate and the anger I’ve had towards those that have hurt me physically. Mentally. Emotionally. There is no gain in hanging onto dead weight. It takes a wise person to realize that, and move on accordingly. I’m choosing to do that, and I salute and support all those that are still enduring that battle.

It takes a warrior to fight for their dreams, and not let boulders block blessings. I choose to be and have always been a warrior, and I free myself from feeling like anything less than.

I encourage you to release the chains that have held you back, love. 

Release the chains of feeling like your body isn’t good enough for someone else. That your status may make you feel like you’re less than someone else. The chains that have held you back from allowing yourself to be magic. That have held you back from telling you that your greatness isn’t good enough.

Let me be the first to tell you: you are a star. You are light. You are magic. You are revolutionary. Step out onto the stage, and don’t let anything hold you back from what you deserve, bitch.

You’re fighting the good fight. Continue to do such.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

One Life.

Life is precious and meant to be lived to the fullest every day. You never know when God, your Higher Power, the Universe, whatever you believe in will take you off this Earth. We are all here to fulfill a journey and sometimes, those journeys are cut short because of the acts of others.

I write this in a state of mourning. A student of mine was shot and killed by a stray bullet during a shooting that was not even meant for him. He was playing basketball in the park with his friends after school yesterday and was shot in the head. This is the second student of mine I have lost within a year. One at my current location and one at a former location. I also just buried my stepbrother last year. Being an empath, death is such a hard pill to swallow. My whole body physically reacts to it a different way. I’ve been nauseous, lack of appetite, on the toilet at all times, having headaches, etc. You name it.

This whole week, I’ve been thinking and wanting to write in this blog, but hadn’t found the time to. I started hot yoga this week and went to that two days while being busy doing tarot card and oracle card readings for five hours one day, and having phone conversations with friends that were overdue and making meetings. I had this urge to write and just drop feelings into all of my writing and then, yesterday, I was hit by this devastating news.

This week was tough. It has been a series of ups and downs with my current work situation, missing my partner and not getting to spend as much time with him as I would like (even though he has been the biggest support and rock in my time of need lately, spending the night with me the past two nights just to make sure I’m okay), and just being fatigued. Add on top of that the fact that I’ve been getting sick and my body has just been feeling like it’s been shutting down. I’ve been at a place where I just feel like I have been trying to figure out what the Universe is trying to reveal to me through all that has transpired and how I can overcome it and still stay as positive as I can. I feel like I’m still in the middle of adjusting to everything in its own respect, and it hasn’t been the easiest. I have not been showing up the way that I inherently want to, and there are still some things that I wish were different; I’m grateful for where I am now compared to where I used to be, but I fight daily in order to stay grounded and just continue to be a light for myself and for others, knowing that that is my soul mission. However, when tragedy strikes and you don’t know how to process it properly, what do you do? How do you hold onto that light and still try and shine, even when you feel dull?

I realize that it’s always not going to be the easiest to shine, but fighters never give up and will never let darkness consume them. I’ve been equipped with the armor that allows me to light up no matter fucking what comes my way. I encourage you to remember that you have a light so bright inside of you that no matter what, you should be able to tap into it and light up no matter where you are. Every day won’t be the same as the one before, but remember that there is a purpose in the reason why you arise every day.

In this space of mourning, I begin to realize how short life is. This particular student was 16 years old. He had a whole life ahead of him. I turn 29 next month. I have a whole fuck of a lot to be grateful for. This poor soul, who was a sweet soul, was taken away from our academic community by senseless violence. I’ve always been someone who has feared leaving the house at times just because I never want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. In our current political climate as well as the area that I choose to live and work in, something is always going on, and I come home and thank my Ancestors daily when I return and when I wake up for keeping me covered and keeping me safe. I thank them daily for allowing me to have the space to share the love that they instilled in me with others (even when it comes with a little sass). I thank my Ancestors for choosing me to continue on – the reason I’m not sure of yet completely but I know it’s starting to come together as every day goes by and They will reveal what it is supposed to be when it is time. I also thank Them for keeping my loved ones safe daily.

I also realize that I have to take life by the reins instead of living in worry about things. We all have bills. We all have obligations. We all have things that distract us from joy. We must focus on what our soul needs, and that could be love, human interaction, alone time, socialization with new people, pushing ourselves outside our comfort zone, finding our voice in a way that’s uncommon to others but natural to us…whatever feels right, instead of judging yourself or worrying about the judgment of others. We only have one life to live and it’s important to make the most out of every moment, every day …you don’t know when your last breath is going to be.

Losing this student really hit me hard. I’ve lost friends along the years, and family members but when it comes to a student and you’re an educator…that’s a different type of loss. It feels like what I would imagine is like having your own child pass. I mean, I spend 7 hours with them daily, 5 days a week for over half a year. And this reminded me how important it is to show up for myself every day just as much as I try to show up for students. I have to be fully present and just follow my heart with everything that comes.

Bills will always be there. Financial struggles will always be there. Family issues will always be there. But if you allow that to derail you from what the Universe is trying to push you towards, you’re not really living – you’re just surviving. And there’s a complete difference between the two.

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Today, I decided to get a tattoo. If you’re familiar with Digimon, you may recognize the tattoo – it’s the Crest of Light that Kari possessed. 

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I’ve been thinking about getting this tattoo for a while. My partner is obsessed with Digimon and still knows all about it (I was a bigger Pokémon fan but still loved Digimon growing up) and I thought of what the idea of being light meant to me. The light was hidden until it was made to be shown in the show if I remember correctly. Because of the sacrifice Kari makes for the sake of others, her light finally shines and she’s revealed as the final Digidestined in the original series if I am not mistaken. (it’s been years since I’ve seen the show – I should probably ask my man all these questions but I’m going based off memory). Anyways – all this background story is beside the point. I’ve always been told that there is a light that shines around me when new people meet me. Strangers that don’t know me have always commented on the light that surrounds me. It’s one of the most humbling comments I have ever received in my life, and any time someone comes to me and tells me this just based off an initial interaction, it just reminds me that my heart is pure and I’m in the right place at the right time to receive those words. Carrying this light is legitimately one of my goals in life and what keeps me happy. I wanted to get the tattoo for about 2-3 months, before my 29th birthday.

I used to be on a 2-year plan: first at 18, second at 20, third at 22…then my alcoholism really started to rear its ugly head and I just wasn’t myself in any way, shape or form. Within the last two years, however, I’ve found and reclaimed this new sense of power and light that I wanted to commemorate before I turned 29 so I could stick to my 2-year plan. This was what I chose and I chose to get it done today because I realize…

Bitch, I will always be worried about someone’s bill. Bitches will get their money. I’ll eat somehow (even though I could stand to lose maybe 5 pounds or something). I will always be concerned about finances because that’s how I was raised – to always be aware of where money is going. But when you’re gone off this Earth…then what? Spend while you can. Travel while you can. I’m not saying go crazy, but at the same time…enjoy your fucking life while you can. I’m learning how important it is to follow your intuition and follow your heart instead of always allowing your head to get in the way of things. Logical thinking is great in some situations, but at times it is much more important to listen to the voice within. That’s because your angels always have something to say to you and it takes a person of sound mind and a willingness to be able to listen to their gut and go for what they want to. Today, I felt led to just let go of worry and do what I’d been wanting to do for quite some time. And I’m happy that I did.

It has not been easy lately, but something my mother said this week stuck with me. She made mention of how when things feel like you’re in a pressure cooker and you don’t feel like where you are is the place you’re supposed to be, it’s preparation for something better. You’re gathering the materials necessary to succeed at a different level, and she’s right. Everything is boiling and the lid feels like it is about to blow off, but I know that I have the tools to keep it together and take some time to learn from every single moment I am afforded and continue to show gratitude for the opportunity to learn daily.

I ask anyone that reads this to hug their loved ones. Send a text to someone today that really is out of nowhere – I had a friend from high school I haven’t spoken to in probably 7 years call me out of nowhere without knowing what was going on and we just got to catch up and show each other love. Those interactions matter. People deserve to know they matter at all times because you never know what day will be someone’s last day or what could have been said if you just jumped and followed your spirit to show love and be light.

I know that I vow to do what I’m doing and continue to not worry about being perfect at all times, go with what tools I have instilled inside of me because of the light that I carry, and use it for good.

I’m scared/anxious to go to work Monday, mainly because I’m still grieving in my own way and so are my students, but this is what you do for family no matter how they became your family. And let me tell you – I’m grateful for mine, even in times of tragedy. This has brought our community together in such a sad way, and I need to remember that I have a job on this Earth that my Higher Power put me here to complete and I will be the best I can with what I have this week.

You only have one chance to live. Be smart, and make the most of every moment you can at every turn.

Love.Light.Listen.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

#E4T

 

Tarot Pull – 8.7.18 – The Outcast

Buenos días. I send lots of love and light and comfort to each person taking the time to read today’s post. I also send a lot of power. This week, energetically, has a lot going on in the cosmos. Tomorrow is the opening of the Lionsgate Portal, which is going to bring about a lot of energy that helps you to tap into your empathic energy (or even raise your empathic energy if you already are one), and also bring a lot more love into the Universe and your surroundings. We also have an eclipse happening at the end of the week that is going to be monumental to your glow-up phase. You may have been having an off week thus far, and feeling a little conflicted in various ways. I know I have personally, so if you’re feeling a bit off, don’t forget to learn how to reset yourself and breathe through this. It’s totally normal. All these retrogrades ain’t no hoe.

This morning during meditation, I took some time to practice using some of the Mudras. Mudras are hand gestures rooted in Hinduism and Buddhism. While I do not practice either of these religions/spiritualities, I use them during meditation in order to help me seal in energy that I want to enact for the day. They’re used a lot in yoga, and while I’m not a yogi, I intend one day to get to that space where I’m able to use more yoga practices in my daily life in order to center my energy. Today I used the Power Mudra (listed below) in order to help me make sure that I flow through my day with power. If you meditate, you can use some of these in order to seal the energy that you want throughout the day. You don’t have to be Buddhist or Hindu in order to use the Mudras, and I have noticed that my practice of using them while meditating helps me feel even more alive afterwards. There are many different mudras (the link above has different ones for yoga practices), so you have a number you can use while meditating.

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Moving forward, I want to get into today’s tarot card pull, which I found very interesting, in light of something I read yesterday. Today’s tarot card pull was The Outcast.

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I pulled this card after doing some dice divination. I rolled a 4 twice (I have two sets of dice I roll every morning in order to think about a number I want to keep in mind a day – how many times I take deep breaths when triggered, how many people I check in with a day, etc) and this is the card that I pulled after shuffling 4 times, and removing the first 3 cards off the top of the deck to get to the fourth one. This is what I pulled.

Now, I was reading somewhere on a site I visit frequently, Forever Conscious, about how important it is this week to take some time to disconnect from social media and everyone else and spend time to connect to nature and your thoughts and what is going on with your personal energy.

As we look at this card, we see a naked man, in a carefree and contemplative manner, stretching as if he just accomplished some really difficult work. He is in a very divine pose, if you ask me, and really just submitting himself to everything around him.

“The bag he carries on his shoulder contains the minimum a human being may have. His lips hold a flower, a symbol of innocence and näiveté. His legs are crossed, showing that he can change his position as he pleases. One foot is slightly propped up and is being pecked by a bird, causing him pain – the only feeling that will call him back to reality and prevent him from falling into complete emptiness. The other foot is twisted in an uncomfortable, though not impossible position. In spite of being on the edge of a precipice, he turns his back to it and holds lightly onto a palm tree. [This card] is called “the outcast” because, within several African tribes, a person who did not abide by the rules of his social group had only one alternative: exile.”

A couple of things I want to pull out here are that he is trying to hold onto the lightest amount of baggage he can. He’s not trying to carry anything with him that isn’t necessary. Are you holding onto things of the past that are weighing down on you right now? If so, I believe it’s time to let them go. Are you allowing things or people that don’t necessarily serve your greater good to hold you back? Let them go. Him being pecked by this rooster, in the picture, is causing him pain, and bringing him back to reality. Sometimes, we have people or situations that don’t allow us to be in our most powerful states because we are so worried about perception of how others will receive us when we are functioning at our highest selves. When we are not following the crowd, we tend to feel exiled or like we do not fit in. Is there a problem in being exiled for following what you believe YOU need for your own good? I think not, personally.

If you struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out), is it because you think the situation/event you’re missing out on is worth your time, or do you just want to be a part of the crowd? Or do you consider thinking about how you would rather not energetically be in that space and how it may affect your being? Take some time to think about this. It says that when people in these African cultures didn’t follow the crowd, they would be exiled. Normally, exile, or isolation as I want to refer to it in this case, has always seemed like a bad thing. But, at times, that isolation is what allows you to focus and harness your personal power in a way that you wouldn’t be able to unless you are by yourself, focusing on yourself. Take some time to ponder on this.

“The chosen animal, a rooster, awakens us from a lethargic state. This is not a casual selection. The rooster is chosen because this brave fowl does not exude adrenaline as a result of fear.” Essentially, don’t be fearful of what you’re missing out on. You deserve you-time, and make sure you take this time in order to function at your highest good.

The meaning of this card is that [it might be] “overwhelming and difficult to handle situation(s) or attitude(s). Uneasiness, nervousness, but lightheartedness at the same time. Childish behavior, laziness, complacence, lyricism; immoderate, unrestrained and misunderstood altruism. Hypersensitivity, although seemingly numb to feelings, which may be a mental block. Need to suffer to mature. Total incongruity, sickness, madness, yet geniality at the same time, meaning that he is not using his powers, intelligence, or creative imagination, which is significant.”

Whoa. That’s a lot to take in, even for me as I dive into this. I think of myself and a lot of my personal journey in life. I have been undergoing a transformation internally for quite some time, and it’s been lonely at times. I also have been in emotional spaces where I feel alone, and don’t know who to reach out to, and feel like I need someone there in order to make me feel better. I’ve been hypersensitive myself to things around me at times, but as days have gone on, that has gone away. Why? I realize that my path is for me and not for everyone else. I’m choosing to mature myself, and sometimes, suffering is part of the maturation process. I think of certain battles I’ve been experiencing, such as focusing on my job process, and other instances in my sobriety that have at times in the past made me feel like an outcast. Ironically enough, I don’t feel guilty as much as I used to. I’m moving past feeling like being an outcast or just being ‘different’ is a bad thing. You have to realize that your journey on this planet is special for you, and at times, others won’t get it. You will have people that are in your corner and understand, but the lot won’t.

Are you taking time to daydream and think about what you actually want in your energy? Are you taking time to value what’s important to you, and no one else? You always don’t need to provide an answer to others. Sometimes, you just need to have faith and trust that what is for you is for you and will come in due time. Otherwise, this card can reflect a lot of negative behaviors that cause you to be in a space that doesn’t serve your spirit, and your isolation can be seen as negative. Everyone needs their time to recharge, and you deserve the opportunity to do such. Cut out and cut off what doesn’t resonate with your spirit, or else you can find yourself in spaces that you are mentally blocked off and can’t function. I don’t want that for you, and I’m sure you don’t want that for yourself.

“His reactions are hard to explain, understand, or control. He sees the trees, but not the forest. He loses himself in unnecessary details and his priorities change. His love affairs are conflicting and morbid, and he tends to abandon them. He may be a great poet who will never finish a single tercet, a great musician who will never perform his symphony, etc.” 

Are you losing yourself in unnecessary details for your own personal growth? Are you allowing yourself to just see what’s right in front of you, instead of the grand picture? Are you taking time to really think about what’s most important for you? Do you have a vision of what you want, forgetting about always pleasing others? As someone who has grown up and internalized a life of people pleasing, I am constantly working past putting others before myself. In my line of work, that’s natural for me to put others before me. But, you also have to connect back to the boundaries that you want to set in place in order to make sure that you are functioning at your greatest potential and not letting yourself be taken advantage of. Being an outcast can be positive or negative, based on how you frame your thinking around it. Sometimes, you just need to be alone in order to receive what the Universe and your Ancestors have for you. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people – you are your first priority and with the help of your own personal Higher Power or your deepest connection to self, you can ensure that you are isolating yourself when you need to reconnect to what’s most important. That’s your personal path and personal growth. Everyone ain’t made to go along with you, especially if they’re not helping you grow to the space you see yourself being and the person you want to become.

‘If you have no direction, you may tend to find yourself doing things outside your character. You may lack tenderness and love in some aspect. If you find yourself in this situation, change immediately to avoid sinking into the abyss. Do not wait until pain knocks at your door to bring you to reality. If it is not you, but another person, help immediately to free them from that freezing catharsis. Remember: they need affection and understanding immediately.’

As you read this, you may be thinking – hey, I’m actually doing my own thing, feeling good, looking good, flourishing, drinking my water and hydrating, minding my own fucking business. You also could know of a person who is drowning themselves in personal sorrow and doesn’t even realize the damage that they are causing by not functioning in their true light. It’s not your job to judge – it’s your job to guide them to the light. The best way is by trying to show them that you understand, and lead with love today. Remember, you may have been outcast at one point, and someone may have pulled you out of your shell or out of your depression in order to show you the light. We are all on this Earth to connect with one another. Everyone doesn’t always have to be outcast or alone forever in order to gain what they need in regards to their salvation and happiness. You can be that light for them if you see them suffering. Wouldn’t you want that same love and affection back to you?

If you feel like this is you, wake the actual fuck up, strap them boots on, and do the work that is necessary deep down. That may take you taking a step back from the things you normally would do, reassess what is happening around you, and re-emerge when you feel ready. But also, remember that there is someone that you can reach out to if you need that compassion and that love. If you are reading this and don’t feel like you have a ‘person’, I’m willing to be that person for you. Yes, I admit and accept that I am not a perfect person, but I am willing and able to be the light for others in a way that you may not be able to be for yourself. Take the charge of thinking about what is important for you to feel like you are functioning on your personal path towards your own happiness and joy. It’s your birthright to feel that, and if you feel yourself sinking like a ship, it’s time to hop off that bitch and re-pot yourself so you can grow into the beautiful flower that you are. If you see someone else sinking and you are already strapped in strong to your power, reach out to others to make sure that they don’t drown. Everyone needs and deserves an understanding friend or person in their life that will support them. I’m grateful for those people in my life, and all they have done to save me from myself in ways. (shoutout to my tribe and my partner <3)

Pay it forward on today. If you need some time to recalibrate, do such. No one should judge you and if they do, they’re not a part of the social circle you need to be in. Your tribe will come to you in your time of need, and those are the people that will feed your spirit the way that you deserve.

I hope this makes sense. Live in power today, find your true passions, take time for yourself, and don’t drown yourself in sorrow if you’re feeling lonely. Reach out to others for help if necessary, and remember that there’s always someone there, ready and willing to help you if you ask for it.

I love you, if no one else has told you this today.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

 

Tarot Pull – 8.6.18 – V of Water (inverted).

Welcome back gangstas. This morning, I woke up feeling groggy, but knowing that work needed to be done. I definitely wanted to sleep in, but I knew that I wanted to get up some posts today because yesterday, I wasn’t able to direct my energy into my creative work as much as I wanted to. I was having a bit of anxiety around not being ‘consistent’ and also just some personal things that were plaguing my head in regards to my future and what is coming forward. I’m proud of myself (and you!) for getting up this morning and starting on your way.

Now, I want to get into today’s tarot pull for the day.

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Today’s tarot pull is the V (five) of Water inverted. In the card, even though it’s upside down, it shows a man that is in a river holding onto a branch. Initially, I want to state that it seems like he’s trying to hold on for dear life in order to keep himself alive. This resonates with me because in some situations going on, I feel as though I have just been doing my best to grasp onto the fact that I know my faith is going to hold me through.

The text states “A man in a river with leeches beneath him wants to save himself from drowning by holding onto a branch but….the turbid waters are crowded with dangerous animals whose purpose is to destroy the man through vampirism by feeding themselves with the man’s blood.”

Spooky, right? This pushes me to make you think of who you have in your life that may be sucking the energy out of you. You may be holding onto something (or someone) that you feel as though is good for you. It could be a marriage. It could be a job. It could be a multitude of things. And you’re reaching for sticks trying to figure out how to hold on without being sucked completely dry.

We tend to sometimes go out on a limb for others and situations in order to get further in life. However, the waters are ever flowing and sometimes, they can take us over if we are not conscious of what’s happening around us. Consider what these things might be in your life and whether or not you are fighting them off, or if you’re allowing them to suck you dry. Raise your vibration and become aware of this. This connects to my prior post about boundaries and whether or not you’re setting them up in the right manner.

However, the inversion of this card has a different meaning than that of which you may think.

“[There’s a] possibility of holding onto a new hope. Perhaps nature pities you, and the tree that you once cut down will start to grow again and develop that branch, the only opportunity that you can hold onto to be able to get out of that muddy, dangerous water. If your karma so allows, you will start again and try to love and seek love. You will have a new group of friends and a different scale of values.”

There are a couple of things I want to pull out from this. You have a possibility of holding onto a new hope. The word ‘possibility’ is key. I say this because you are in charge of making sure that that possibility becomes a reality. This is a choice. You are the only person that is in charge of yourself, along with your Higher Power (or whatever you believe in, whether it be a Higher Power or not) and you have the opportunity to pull yourself out of your situation. It all relies on your ability to have faith and hope in whatever aspect that is.

Another point I want to pull from this is ‘karma’. What have you done for others lately? Have you given love? Have you shown respect towards others? Have you shown yourself some respect? There is always that belief that ‘what goes around comes back around’ (hey, Beyoncé! – you look radiant in the September issue of Vogue!). Be conscious of how you show up in this world daily, and how you are interacting with others around you. Are you spreading light, or are you being bitchy towards others on a regular basis? Are you in the middle of a situation where you know you should get out of something, but you’re not doing what you need to in order to protect yourself?  Is there someone or something you need to cut off in order for you to have the opportunity to release yourself from whatever is sucking you dry? Ask yourself these questions on today.

Based on what you put into this Universe is what you’ll get out of it. If you need to take some time to recalibrate and rethink how you show up for yourself and others, do that today. There are true vampires out there that just want to take, take, take, and if you allow that to continue, you will be left dry and without nothing. You have the ability today to start again and create the reality and the world that you truly deserve and want. This could garner new relationships, new friendships, and a whole new world that you may never have anticipated before. It’s okay to release yourself of what doesn’t serve you. It is your life, after all.

Reflect on everything that’s happening in your life today, and make some choices to change certain actions, behaviors, and patterns of thought that are literally sucking the life force out of you. You don’t deserve to feel drained at all. That means you aren’t functioning at your best self. Trust and believe, you deserve all the light and happiness in the world, so take some inventory of your life and what is good for you and what you need to eradicate from your space and your energy. When you do that, abundance will continue to come your way. Just allow space for it to come.

Amen. Asé.

-gg