5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

plucked.

standing, looking around you at how the space has not changed a bit…but you have. this is what it feels like to have internal growth and know that things do not resonate the same way that they previously might have. have you ever gone back to a place that you frequented as a child years into your future, and remember the good times, the bad times, and all of the experiences you may have shared there with friends or even alone? and then you recognize how different you are inside and how these things don’t resonate with you anymore? this is the act of shedding what does not serve you, and realizing what growths and gains you have made inside. this is one of the biggest acts of kindness and love you can give to yourself, especially when you are able to make peace with letting things go.

letting something go isn’t easy. letting something go isn’t going to be a simple act. it’s going to take a lot of work to let go of what doesn’t work for you. what doesn’t make you happy. what doesn’t fit in your reality anymore. these things that don’t fit into your reality allow your space and your aura to have room for more…more life, more happiness, more newness, more excitement, more fulfillment, just MORE. the more that you humbly ask for your soul to be filled with what it’s looking for, the more the Universe meets you. using your magick that you have been born with and being able to manifest the truth that you want takes work – it takes you realizing what has to be let go and making a conscious effort to do such.

yesterday was my first day back to work after being out on disability over a month for personal health issues. let me tell you – being gone for a month from somewhere gives you time to change personally, and also gives the space time to change. or not…and in this case, the space hasn’t changed a bit. while that is comforting to know what you’re getting yourself back into, it’s also a huge wake-up call in regards to what has to be done in order to make life more worth living regularly.

life changes. opportunities change. you change. and what you choose to do with that is important. when your Higher Power makes something crystal clear…gives you a sign that something needs to be fixed, or eradicated from your life…do you answer the call? or do you hide away?

yes, as humans we have to make decisions that benefit us in the long run, thinking about responsibilities. thinking about what we can control. but working towards what we can control that fulfills our soul is the contract our spirit signed when we entered this planet in our Earthly bodies. whether or not you choose to follow said contract signed and make use of it is half the battle..

are you willing to do the work when you outgrow the plant pot that you’re in? are you ready to be transferred to a bigger pot? maybe a nicer one with more decoration? maybe even a smaller one that can help your leaves be even more pronounced? that’s a choice and a decision that you have to make yourself, and also allow yourself to be placed in certain pots. that comes with feeding yourself the right way and showing that you are ready to be plucked for the picking.

oh Lord. oh Universe. oh Ancestors. oh Eleggua. master of all roads. i’m ready to be plucked.

join me?

amen. asé.

-gg

breakup: an ode to a dumb bitch.

the first time i met you, i hated you. you made me sick. i remember being introduced to you, being told that it would help me to become a man. that was a distant memory ago…almost fifteen years. i never thought i would see you again.

three years later however, you appeared in my life during a tumultuous time. i was free! i was able to do whatever i so choose. and all the cool kids were doing it. being able to cop you was something for a couple of years that was illegal to do, so getting other friends to help a brotha out when it came to enjoying you was one of the things i found super exciting. there was a sense of fellowship you brought. a sense of just having fun. you used to make me escape from the realities of what was going on around me. bad grades. friendships and feeling like i wasn’t worthy of being friends with the people i would have killed to give my left kidney to. and i found solace in you instead of finding you as just a fun time here and there. you still made me sick, but you always gave me the time to be able to recount what happened the night before with others (sometimes alone) with either happiness or a huge bout of shame.

i remember never wanting to let you go. you became a staple in my life. you became something that everywhere i turned, everyone wanted to hang out with you. and because i was so desperate to be a part of the in-crowd, because i was struggling with loving myself for my weight, my eczema, my belief that i actually mattered…you helped me to be in spaces that would help me erase all those thoughts and actually have…fun again.

baby, you followed me everywhere. after moving once again, i found myself in a space where you were the most accessible i had ever had in my life, and the new group of people that i was able to spend time with treated you as their savior. it was the custom in their culture to be able to have you come chill out with us, and i began to feel myself even more. dance. be free. not worry about my obligations completely. you saved me from hurting myself, it felt like…until the next morning when i would hear about the damage you and i would experience. i also was in spaces where i didn’t have people who thought twice about what we were doing. you forced me to fight strangers. you forced me to act beside myself and completely end up places i didn’t want to. you allowed me to sleep with strangers even though i didn’t want to. you manipulated me into believing that running around the streets without clothes was a smart idea until the police came and saved me. and i never saw you, even then, as someone who was hurting me. you continued to whisper in my ear that this is what life was and what it was supposed to be for me. and i just accepted that. i didn’t question you at all.

you made me angry. you made me disappear and run away a lot. you manipulated me into thinking that all of the pain and despair i was experiencing would go away because you would help me. you and i became best friends because i felt like you were the only person that was there for me in a way that no one else would ever understand. you helped me to erase my hurt.

and then you had me get arrested. because i wasn’t in my right mind. i remember after talking to you one night (well, we chit chatted and then you took me out) waking up to a hospital bed, chained, being told that i was arrested. you made me go through probation. you told me that i would be okay and those situations were just part of the process, but there was no reason to break up with you. because i trusted you and you were still there.

you made me pee on myself quite often. you made me hurt others in the process of acting out. you told me that others wouldn’t get me and that i was your only salvation no matter what. you told me that the triggers and traumas that i couldn’t get out of my head from all the sexual assaults i experienced would go away. you made me want to talk about them to strangers, not even the friends that i thought i could trust to understand. you completely changed my brain to all i knew…was to be dependent on you to see me through.

your presence in my life forced me to hurt the ones that were closest to me. and apologies to them never went over well. but you always forgave me and wanted me to come back and see about you.

and i did.

because the flesh is weak, and my mind and spirit believed that you weren’t going to hurt me anymore.

i gave you up for quite some time because one day, you and i decided to go out for an evening and you made me pass out. you had me ridiculed by people i thought were friends. you allowed others to take pictures of me and allow it to float around social media because you knew that this wasn’t that big of a deal. but you weren’t the one that had to wake up and seize the day again. you got me evicted. you and i were homeless together. but yet and still, you were the one that stayed around.

i knew it was time to take a step back from you. you beckoned and called me for ages. you always would pop up in spaces that i wanted to attend, but was scared that i would hurt myself or others again. you stopped my friends from talking in the sense of ‘saving me’, and it worked…for a little while. and then the old traumas began to rear their ugly head. and you found me again in my lowest state.

you and i became friends again. i forgave you. i thought because i had some time to re-evaluate our relationship, we would be able to walk hand in hand into the sunlight.

well, i am here to tell you.

you’re one manipulative, no-good, stank bitch. you’re a liar.

nothing good came from it. ever.

and because of me continuing to age and you were not, i saw myself just falling back into old habits. this time, it wasn’t as worse as when we became friends. but i noticed how you tended to take away my identity. my self. my heart of gold. a heart i couldn’t share with others, and was fearful of the repercussions that my truth would make others feel.

you were the only person i felt like was truly there that supported me. but it was all a facade. you played me. you wrecked my life. and i can’t forgive you for that. you made me an addict.

now, i’ve realized how evil you are. i see others engage with you and pray for their safety. i see you move on from me and work on others, trying to take them out the game. but guess what, honey?

i found my soul again. i found my spirit again. i realized my beauty once more. i haven’t completely come to terms with it all. but that takes times. but i will let you know that alcohol, you were the devil that i danced with for 14 years. and i don’t want to go back to the self loathing.

the loss of friendships.

the loss of myself.

the loss of my heart.

the loss of my intelligence.

the loss of my sense of peace.

the disappointment in self i have felt for years.

the loss of recognizing my talents and my beauty.

 

at this point. i’m ready to square up with you on site. you’ve taken so much of my life away from me, and now i’m reclaiming it back. because of you, i can’t function without mood stabilizers. i can’t function without medication to tell me that you are the devil and don’t belong in my spirit. my depression, anxiety, PTSD, former self-hate have a couple of words they wanted to share.

 

you don’t belong here anymore.

 

it sucks living in a city where socializing is all around drinking and going out. i suffer from social anxiety so i love to be lubricated. but for now…i’m just going to call on my Ancestors, my Higher Power, my deities, God Himself, to keep me here.

i won’t lose. that’s ONE thing that’s not in my DNA.

amen. asé.

-gg

fighting myself.

self sabotage. i push people away when i don’t intend to. i don’t know why my brain has wired itself to want to make people or myself feel as though i can’t get close to someone else or that everyone is going to push me away, but it’s just something i feel like i’ve dealt with for ages.

growing up, i was called a demon because of my sexuality. all of the things that i was praised for were never just being myself – they were wrapped up in my accomplishments. they were always because of me doing well in school. me getting full rides to do a variety of programs. the actual act of having something that was tangible is something that i have always held onto. that masculine sense of self. while i fought against the mentality of knowing that the things that weren’t able to be seen on the surface weren’t as important. at least that’s the narrative that i have internalized after all these years.

fast forward almost thirty years into the future and i feel like a complete wreck at times. i feel like i have been struggling just to hold it together in my brain. i feel like sometimes i sabotage myself in a way that takes me steps back. i know i have made progress in my life in some ways but i don’t feel like i am where i need to be in any way, shape or form. this goes back to that masculine sense of self that i have been fighting to always prove that i possess.

i have always heard from my grandmother she wants me to grow up to be the man that ‘God intended’. well, who is that? i know God very well. i know spirit very well. i know source energy has been blessing me in so many different ways, but i always focus on the negative. when you come from a space of always having situations transpire that aren’t the most…pleasant, you tend to focus on what’s NOT going well. i can honestly admit that i tend to focus on the bad over the good because the bad is what i want to manifest into being good all the time. and when it’s not instantaneous i tend to get very hurtful towards my self worth and harm myself in ways that is hard to explain.

i’ve been dealing with an addiction issue for quite some time. do you know how hard it is in order to be healed from addiction? do you know how much work and money it costs to be healed from that? do you also know how hard it is in order to be able to not go back to typical triggers/actions that take away from you being in the space that you need to be? well bitch i’ll be the first to tell you, it ain’t easy.

i’m working daily to try and get myself back to a better place. to find myself in a happier spirit. to make sure that i’m not always going back to the “old actions” that i tend to fall into. but it’s like, the more apt you are to do something all the time when it’s natural, the easier it is to just fall into that trap.

waking up and realizing that those traps are not where i want to be is the god honest truth. i petition to the ancestors consistently to take it away. i’ve alienated myself so much as of late because i don’t feel worthy of being loved because of my shortcomings. i am reminded daily that i am loved …but i hate that i tend to hurt the people that matter most to me when i’m hurting myself. and i don’t want to do that. it’s just the way i was wired. and i’m working on trying to do surgery on those different lines so that way i can pull myself out of my rut.

i spend my days these days looking for outpatient alcohol abuse programs. i spend my days right now calling people trying to figure out what is the next step. i can’t even begin to explain how many psychiatrists i’ve spoken to. my therapist is on speed dial. the various outpatient rehab programs always take my information and then tell me that it’s going to cost me $800 a day or so JUST to take care of myself. how am i supposed to pay for my apartment? my amenities. i know that i am grateful to have a roof over my head. i just don’t want to lose that. and i’m not even able to work right now because i consistently have panic attacks. i’m having anxiety attacks regularly as to where i just shell up and disappear. and then find myself back falling into the vices that set me down the wrong path in the first place.

i say i want to get better. and that’s not a lie in any way, shape, or form. it takes a lot of work. it takes a lot of time. and it takes a lot of fucking money. which i don’t have right now. but i’m not giving up. i’m the last bitch to give up on themselves.

yes, i may experience some setbacks more often than others. but i don’t want to give up hope on myself. God didn’t allow me to come this far to give up hope. and therefore, i’m going to continue to figure out what needs to be done in order to see the light again.

i miss being happy. i miss being secure. i miss feeling like i had a grasp on things. everything feels like it’s slipping…

 

slipping…

 

slipping away. and i just want to yoke that bitch by the hair and tell her ‘no bitch. not this time. we’re doing this together whether we like it or not’.

change doesn’t happen overnight. change doesn’t happen instantaneously. it takes time. it takes patience. and i have to work on all that.

i didn’t know where else to write this. i didn’t know how to call out for help. but lemme tell you. all i want right now?

i just want that ‘me’ back that could actually wake up, feel good about himself, treat those in his life with kindness and first and foremost…treat himself with such.

the divinity in me sees the divinity in my circumstance. once all this is said and done, i know it’ll be…more than my heart can even imagine.

amen. asé.

-gg

Circles and Squares

Happy New Moon in Virgo, everyone! The New Moon in Virgo is connected to manifesting the dreams we have been hoping and praying for, and allowing them to come to pass. Today is also 9/9, and today’s date also has a lot of significant meaning when it comes to the Universe and its creation. The 99 Gateway is happening today, and if you would like some more information about its importance, you should go here and read about it. TL;DR – you should be focusing on loving yourself first so that way you can ensure that you are able to send love to others as well. Human connection is important in regards to our life here on Earth, and making sure you’re spending time healing connections with yourself first and with others.

Today, I did a little ritual where I sat and meditated for 30 minutes about the dream life that I wanted to have for myself, and allowed myself to finally daydream for once and think of all I wanted to see come to fruition. Visions of my future and the things that I want to see manifest themselves in my life is where I put a lot of my energy. I took inventory of the people in my life, what actually helped me feel stronger daily, and the things I actually want to accomplish and see for myself, no matter how inane they may sound to someone else. I then took some time to write down 10 actions steps I could take that were somewhat small in order to try and get towards the visions that I saw for me. After writing those action steps, I put them in a place that I can revisit them daily to help ground myself towards achieving the life that I want for myself – it helps me to remember why I’m here on Earth and was chosen to fulfill this soul mission.

If you haven’t taken some time to do that today, I would suggest you taking a moment to do such. Think about what your dream life would look like. Think about what you would be doing, how you would be feeling, and where you would be if life was “perfect” if it was dictated by your own being. Think of the people that would be a part of your life also, and whether or not the ones that are around you are people that deserve to be a part of your space. All of these things are important when it comes to having the happiness and life that you see yourself having.

Sometimes, we have some squares in our circle and we don’t need that energy in our lives. I was having a conversation with a friend today about how he was feeling disappointed in regards to him putting himself out there for others and really not receiving back what he deserves. This was a conversation that broke my heart, especially coming from him. He is such a kind soul, and many people can steal our joy, even when we don’t intend for them to do that. Folks can be soul suckers and savages, and some people are so self-interested that they only USE you for their own personal gain without keeping in mind that you’re a person. This New Moon energy is all about letting that shit go and letting those wack people go because they’re not functioning on the same frequency as you. However, I want to encourage you to not overreact and eviscerate them because of how they’ve done you. Lovingly just release them and their energy from your life. No one wants to deal with someone or something that takes away from their light.

I also would encourage you to spend some time sending love to those that have always been in your corner, giving you tough love, pushing you towards the dreams that you have been wanting to see happen in your life. When you have folx that you can be vulnerable with in that regard, it allows you to connect on such a deeper soul level that helps you to see flaws in yourself that make you better. I think of how I just got clocked by my partner the other day for making excuses for things just because of small setbacks. Those that really want to see you grow will always uplift you in a way that keeps it real with you, but also know you well enough to now it’s for your greater good and holds you accountable.

Squares can’t fit in circles for a reason. They just don’t match. They have different makeups. Everyone is on their different paths in life, and some take longer to get there than others. Even those that seem like they are on their ‘right path’ potentially may not be, and it could just be a detour towards something else. Don’t idolize what you don’t have and other’s may – just focus on what you got going on for yourself, and keep putting that loving energy into your spirit so that way you can make use of it. I think of how you know what’s best for you, and if someone isn’t willing to be well-rounded…they aren’t on the path towards becoming their best self. Circles are always moving in a rotation and always come back to what helps them start at their beginning. There are no questions about where they are ending also because they continue to move on and on. Think of who is continually reinventing themselves for their greater good, and those that just get stuck in their own ways. Don’t spend your time getting left in the dust because of your rigidity.

People change, and if you are not working on changing and becoming better, what are you really doing with your life? All in all, think about how you can become the best version of yourself, what actions you need to take to get there, and how you can focus on what is most important for your own personal gain and who has been a light and a support on getting you there. You’ll reap the benefits in so many ways. Let your fantasies run wild. Be encouraged to daydream. Search inside yourself for the life and the beauty you have only thought was an illusion. It can become real if you allow yourself to make it real. Just trust the process, and you’ll get there before you even know it. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Amen. Asé.

-gg