Boundaries After Five Years of Fuck Ups.

Wow, this is something that I haven’t done in a while. I don’t even remember what the last thing I wrote about on here was, and don’t even feel like going back to see it. I can’t believe that it has been a year since this site has been in existence (the only reason I know is because the editors are telling me I have 6 days to renew my plan and daddy doesn’t have his paper together the way he would like just yet to renew but…in due time).

Okay, so I know that this is a public blog but it’s my shit, so I am going to just keep it honest. This morning, I woke up with these stomach pains and a bit of anxiety around…what, I don’t know. I haven’t been sleeping much at all lately. I probably get around 4-5 hours regularly and I’m on my nightowl shit quite often. It’s just the facts right now because of things that have been going on.

Oh, some updates for my personal life. So, I’m without a ‘salaried job’ right now. Essentially, baby girl was put on disability back in May because of my health issues. It is so crazy because …these issues aren’t new and they just got worse as time went on. Call it symptoms of ascension, but like my body and soul knew that it was in a place that it didn’t belong. But you know as a black man, I’ve been told all my life how I have to work this and do this and make sure I have this. All of the things that I got in my five years of living in New York plus the stuff that I have carried around with me since college literally has compounded itself into something…that I’m not anymore.

I believe this is why Big Spirit took everything from me. For those that know or don’t know, I was robbed on June 11th. Reason being – I went out on a date or two with men while on my trip home (I want to say right around the time that I wrote the last post) and felt a lot of …feelings. Let’s be real. I was in a relationship around this time last year. June 1st would have been my year anniversary. And I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt smothered and my Scorpio Sun Sag Venus ass struggles with staying IN IT. Especially when I’m communicating what I need and that’s not being met. I become very…what’s the word? Reserved in a sense…because I tend to shut down and just be like:

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So…yeah, I let that go because I wasn’t happy. I had just lost my Uncle a month prior and I was very hurt. Very lost. And just needed some space for myself to figure things out. But I was still searching for love in all the wrong places. Old spaces that I knew I could fall back into because …well bitch, it’s easy to do. It’s simple for me to just believe that I will be coming into these spaces from an ‘ascended’ place. But no, I’m still the same bitch that I always been, with the same issues, and know better. Hey. You live and you learn. And I realized that if I wanted to attract a certain type of man, I had to behave a certain kind of way. (this is hindsight, because I definitely didn’t realize how much I was putting into PEOPLE THAT DID NOT DESERVE THAT TIME AT THE TIME.) Anyways, this was a trigger because I had a date scheduled and it sent me into a complete spiral because…well, it wasn’t that great. And of course my heart, my soul, was open. I’m a fucking Scorpio, Libra, Pisces #Big3 bitch so like, let’s be honest here. A nigga was hurting. So what did I do? Drink that pain awayyyyy. It’s my go-to. It’s always been my go-to. I’m an addict. A recovering addict.

Well, that spawned a series of unfortunate events. Let me be clear here. Before I even was where I was, I was in a fight. Got some shit stolen. Got into a variety of verbal disagreements with people close to me. Then basically was drinking and messing around with men during a time where I needed to be giving my energy to myself. THEREFORE, things were literally feeling like the five years that I lived in New York and all the shit that I experienced during my time living here were coming to a head and happening in the span of three weeks. Now, let’s be clear.

FIVE YEARS WORTH OF LOW VIBRATIONAL ENERGY IN THREE WEEKS? WOULDN’T THAT BOTHER ANYONE AND SEND THEM INTO A DEEP DARK SPIRAL?

(Oh, and I just celebrated my five year anniversary of being in New York yesterday; cheers.)

Whiskey was my choice of alcohol. That morning, I truly remember …not much, but hey. I do know that iStarted mixing coffee and whiskey at 10. To numb the pain. Mainly because I was hurting and what’s funny is it wasn’t my family that sent me into that immediate spiral. It wasn’t my friends that sent me into that immediate spiral. It wasn’t my job (because I wasn’t working + I didn’t have an income and that weighed heavily on me) that sent me into an immediate spiral.

It was some dusty ass nigga that I spent my time trying to get to know and put energy into that didn’t deserve that energy + me trying to rationalize why I felt like he deserved that energy THAT SENT ME INTO THAT SPIRAL.

I’m really a romantic at heart, I put my everything into people and relationships and…it does come back to bite me in the ass more often than not. It sucks. Anyways, this really put me in a dark place enough to where I blacked out. Now, this wasn’t my first time at the rodeo blacking out. I sadly have been a pro at this for quite some time. YEARS OF BLACKING OUT BB. Like, ever since… 20. So imagine 9 years of alcohol abuse, 7 years of not recognizing it was abuse, and 3 years of being conscious that it was abuse and trying to get back on the straight and narrow path after 9 years of learning a trait that I needed to desperately unlearn.

BICH. Can you blame me?

Anyway, this blackout led to one of the darkest moments of my life. I’ve learned in my big age (wow, 30 is right around the corner wow) that I can’t blame everything else on other folks, I have to take some of the ownership of myself. I know that I have a predisposition to a lot of addiction traits. I know that I tend to hurt myself or put myself in situations that are dark. A close friend to me the other day said that I can sometimes lean into victim mentality and while that hurt to hear, she was right. All of this I have recently been able to clearly see. Let’s be real, I am battling:

  1. A drug / alcohol addiction issue
  2. Emotional trauma from my parentals not really giving me the love and respect i deserve and have been pining for all my life
  3. A physical illness that manifested itself from the amount of stress in my life
  4. Hating a job that I have naturally been good at all my life, but don’t feel a connection to anymore because of how much it made me physically ill
  5. Income? Consistent income? I haven’t known those words at all in my life~

And that’s just a couple things. Anyways, after being arrested off some wild shit, I basically put myself in a place to get everything of mine stolen. Every thing material of mine was gone. Even the keys to my home. And I wasn’t even in the same state that I currently live in. Therefore…struggle city. Imagine what the fuck that was like to have to deal with especially on your own.

I’ve been building my confidence…

My heart…

My mind & soul…

And just the finances that I’ve lost back up. But…I’m at a place because who do I work for right now?

Nobody. No, literally. I have been “searching” for jobs and not finding anything that fits my interests. The places I do go that are of interest to me? Not hiring. This becomes difficult and a little…redundant. Relying on the help of others to get by and also the Spirit of God to bless me has been literally the way that I have made it through this time. Relying on that has been the sole reason as to why I am still here. Of course, there are days with tears. There are days I’m not the most loving to myself, but I learn to pull myself out of it as best as possible. It’s still a work in progress – I have been not the most positive towards myself all my life. Building my confidence up and all that. It takes time.

I know I started this with boundaries and whatnot, and this is important for me to learn with myself and with others. The boundaries that I have had to establish with self are really integral to my work and work with others because let’s be real,… since I’ve been working for myself and the work I do is heavily involved with others, I have to protect myself. What does that look like? BITCH, I’m still learning so ask me in a couple of months LOL but at the same time, it has really been a form of self-care to not answer certain peoples’ phone calls that are draining; realize that I am growing and changing and having different thoughts and if someone doesn’t understand that or can’t have a dialogue in regards to growth and change…BYE; I love a good spiritual bath or sitting in the shower and just letting the water run over me and getting my peace…there are more but I don’t want to bore you.

I also have to establish boundaries with others. I have been an emotional dumping ground for my whole life. Literally, I don’t know if I have “YOU ACTUALLY CAN TRUST ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS – COME TALK TO ME!!!” written across my forehead but there’s just something about me that people have always felt comfortable coming to me and sharing with me. Ever since childhood. Like, I was the kid that was in the grown folx conversation because I knew I could sit, listen, observe, and that’s how I gained my knowledge. And I also know how to listen (but I do like to insert my own thoughts more nowadays and just respond for the sake of dialogue – I try and make sure I don’t overdo it) so I think that also is something that people appreciate about me. But I rarely get asked if I’m in a space to take things on. I rarely get told after someone has dialogue with me ‘thank you’ especially if I’m here listening and giving you advice that you put into practice. And I can’t do that anymore.

Boundaries also extend into sexual encounters and whatnot. As a victim of sexual assault/rape in my childhood and during my formative years as an adult, I have been the type of person to just go along with what people want to do for fear of upsetting a person…being hurt by them because of being in a compromising situation with them…and I have naturally been the person not to speak up because of ‘rustling feathers’ (shoutout to Hayden Moss for this one) and also knowing that my truth-speaking has been too much for people at times and I have that body memory stopping myself from doing it. Do I know why completely? No. But it’s just that scared little boy inside of me who remembers being in that dorm room after bringing someone he didn’t want to bring home, but didn’t know how to speak up for himself and was told by this fucker that ‘he wasn’t leaving without getting what he came there for’ and my 19 year old ass is sitting in this room at Morehouse knowing that if I scream, these men are going to look at me crazy and I let that man basically fuck me for three days straight…he would literally go to work and come back to my dorm to rape me repeatedly over a weekend until I basically let him leave that Monday and blocked him in every way possible because I didn’t know how to confront that energy. I still remember his name. His face. Those fucking green contacts that he consistently wore. His bald head. And the fact that he was supposedly dating my “Morehouse brother” but he still was fucking me. And mind you, this was my first time ever bottoming (for you gurlz that really need to know, I’m more of a top mainly because of this reasoning) and it just spiraled into a very heavy lifetime of me having sex with strangers only one time because …well, if you only have sex with someone once you never have to worry about disappointing them ever again.

Yeah.

I have had a lot of time to process why I spiraled into an addictive state for literally 9 years of my life. I have had a really difficult road…but like, through it all I’m still fighting, still kicking, still HERE BITCH just like Tisha Campbell says. And to be honest…even through all this, I have never been so connected to my SELF, my TRUTH, and my BEING.

I’ve truly taken my tarot and oracle card readings to another level, and have been working for myself out this apartment for the last two and a half months, solely making my income off of this.

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And I’ve never been happier working for myself and not having to answer to anyone.

I’m in the process of working on and dropping a project that I’m working on and I can’t wait to share more about in the near future when the ink on the shit dries.

I actually found time earlier this week to talk with my big sister on her podcast about my addiction. You can actually go give it a listen here if you’re interested and support her (shoutout to you Maria!) and …listen to my perspective on it. If you have ever felt like you’re battling substance abuse or addiction in the general sense (remember, it doesn’t have to mean just substances), I would suggest you give it a try at least. <3.

I have so much insight based off my experiences in this fucking wild ass city. I moved here 5 years ago with three goals:

  1. Move closer to my best friend because I was miserable in Pittsburgh where I was
  2. Find a man because New York seemed to be the place that housed the type of men I wanted to date and I hadn’t ever been in a true relationship as an adult
  3. Not work as a teacher because I had been teaching for 5 years already and was tired of the shit and wanted to start my career as….welllll idunno but not teaching

 

Did I accomplish my goals? Yeah…just not the way I planned. But in retrospect…I did.

  1. I got to live closer to my best friend and during those formative years I was really dependent upon him …however in the last two specifically I have essentially found my way back to trusting myself, my judgments and we are able to live two completely separate lives without me having to run to him for all my needs because…I’m learning how to function without the approval or need of others that don’t actually mean well for me
  2. I dated one guy that fucked me over and was my coworker [NEVER DATE A COWORKER!!!!!!!!!!] that came onto me and told me he wanted to be with me and i cancelled a trip to the HAMPTONS to be with him for christmas break and slept at his house 5 of 7 days -that i had keys to MIND YOU- and basically found out that he only wanted to mess around with me and that was it but NOT FROM HIM, from his BEST FRIEND telling me and then later on down the road see him and someone from the Twitterverse traversing through fucking Tulum …and the nigga was also a black Spanish teacher (someone has a type and yes, i’m still a bit bitter by the way shit went down, i’m a scorpio and so was he and that was fucked up – ya’ll know i didn’t let that nigga breathe though, i definitely left that nigga’s keys on his desk on valentine’s day because i’m not that bitch)
  3. I had a wonderful relationship with a guy for about 8 and a half months but I just needed to move on for myself
  4. I found my passion – healing and the arts and truly started to lean into that truth and have been especially for the last three years…

So like…I’m actually winning at the end of the day, even through all that.

If you got to the end of this, you better fucking WERK BITCH. And thank you for taking my journey with me and being here. Being of support. That means the world.

I don’t know what the next five years are going to look like. I don’t know what the next year, the next day will look like.

But what’s wild is…I don’t really fucking care like I used to. I’ve learned the beauty of being present and in the moment. And tbh, I’m enjoying this version of me more than ever before even though it isn’t any version I’ve met before…he’s rad. Amen. Ase.

-GG

 

POST EDIT – I know I’m not making this shit up because after I wrote this… I pulled the Temperance card from my Afro-Brazilian Tarot deck…

“Temperance is the card for bringing balance, patience and moderation into your life. You are being invited to stabilise your energy and to allow the life force to flow through you without force or resistance. It’s time to recover your flow and get your life back into order and balance.

This card calls on you to remain calm, even when life feels stressful or frantic. Maintain an even temperament and manage your emotions. You have learned to keep composed in stressful situations. Little things don’t get to you, thanks to your seemingly abundant source of patience. Your respect for balance and tranquillity is what will help you achieve and experience fulfilment in your life.

Temperance asks you to take the middle path and accommodate all perspectives. Now is not the time to be highly opinionated or controversial. Be the peacekeeper and take a balanced and moderate approach, avoiding any extremes. Include others and bring together diverse groups of people to create harmony and cooperation. By working together, you will collectively leverage the right mix of talents, experiences, abilities and skills.

There is alchemy within Temperance. This Tarot card is about blending, mixing, and combining diverse elements in a way that creates something new and even more valuable than its separate parts. ‘Blending’ can take on many forms; for example, a blended family, an artist who blends different materials or techniques, a bartender who mixes new and exciting cocktails, or a chef who combines different cuisines and cooking styles.

The Temperance card shows that you have a clear, long-term vision of what you want to achieve. You are not rushing things along; instead, you are taking your time to ensure that you do the best job you can. You know you need a moderate, guided approach to reach your goals.

Finally, this card reflects higher learning. You are learning a great deal where you are now and are at peace with what you are doing – it is all coming together well. Your inner voice is guiding you to the right outcome, and you are patiently listening and following.”

 

<3. Wow.

5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

plucked.

standing, looking around you at how the space has not changed a bit…but you have. this is what it feels like to have internal growth and know that things do not resonate the same way that they previously might have. have you ever gone back to a place that you frequented as a child years into your future, and remember the good times, the bad times, and all of the experiences you may have shared there with friends or even alone? and then you recognize how different you are inside and how these things don’t resonate with you anymore? this is the act of shedding what does not serve you, and realizing what growths and gains you have made inside. this is one of the biggest acts of kindness and love you can give to yourself, especially when you are able to make peace with letting things go.

letting something go isn’t easy. letting something go isn’t going to be a simple act. it’s going to take a lot of work to let go of what doesn’t work for you. what doesn’t make you happy. what doesn’t fit in your reality anymore. these things that don’t fit into your reality allow your space and your aura to have room for more…more life, more happiness, more newness, more excitement, more fulfillment, just MORE. the more that you humbly ask for your soul to be filled with what it’s looking for, the more the Universe meets you. using your magick that you have been born with and being able to manifest the truth that you want takes work – it takes you realizing what has to be let go and making a conscious effort to do such.

yesterday was my first day back to work after being out on disability over a month for personal health issues. let me tell you – being gone for a month from somewhere gives you time to change personally, and also gives the space time to change. or not…and in this case, the space hasn’t changed a bit. while that is comforting to know what you’re getting yourself back into, it’s also a huge wake-up call in regards to what has to be done in order to make life more worth living regularly.

life changes. opportunities change. you change. and what you choose to do with that is important. when your Higher Power makes something crystal clear…gives you a sign that something needs to be fixed, or eradicated from your life…do you answer the call? or do you hide away?

yes, as humans we have to make decisions that benefit us in the long run, thinking about responsibilities. thinking about what we can control. but working towards what we can control that fulfills our soul is the contract our spirit signed when we entered this planet in our Earthly bodies. whether or not you choose to follow said contract signed and make use of it is half the battle..

are you willing to do the work when you outgrow the plant pot that you’re in? are you ready to be transferred to a bigger pot? maybe a nicer one with more decoration? maybe even a smaller one that can help your leaves be even more pronounced? that’s a choice and a decision that you have to make yourself, and also allow yourself to be placed in certain pots. that comes with feeding yourself the right way and showing that you are ready to be plucked for the picking.

oh Lord. oh Universe. oh Ancestors. oh Eleggua. master of all roads. i’m ready to be plucked.

join me?

amen. asé.

-gg

breakup: an ode to a dumb bitch.

the first time i met you, i hated you. you made me sick. i remember being introduced to you, being told that it would help me to become a man. that was a distant memory ago…almost fifteen years. i never thought i would see you again.

three years later however, you appeared in my life during a tumultuous time. i was free! i was able to do whatever i so choose. and all the cool kids were doing it. being able to cop you was something for a couple of years that was illegal to do, so getting other friends to help a brotha out when it came to enjoying you was one of the things i found super exciting. there was a sense of fellowship you brought. a sense of just having fun. you used to make me escape from the realities of what was going on around me. bad grades. friendships and feeling like i wasn’t worthy of being friends with the people i would have killed to give my left kidney to. and i found solace in you instead of finding you as just a fun time here and there. you still made me sick, but you always gave me the time to be able to recount what happened the night before with others (sometimes alone) with either happiness or a huge bout of shame.

i remember never wanting to let you go. you became a staple in my life. you became something that everywhere i turned, everyone wanted to hang out with you. and because i was so desperate to be a part of the in-crowd, because i was struggling with loving myself for my weight, my eczema, my belief that i actually mattered…you helped me to be in spaces that would help me erase all those thoughts and actually have…fun again.

baby, you followed me everywhere. after moving once again, i found myself in a space where you were the most accessible i had ever had in my life, and the new group of people that i was able to spend time with treated you as their savior. it was the custom in their culture to be able to have you come chill out with us, and i began to feel myself even more. dance. be free. not worry about my obligations completely. you saved me from hurting myself, it felt like…until the next morning when i would hear about the damage you and i would experience. i also was in spaces where i didn’t have people who thought twice about what we were doing. you forced me to fight strangers. you forced me to act beside myself and completely end up places i didn’t want to. you allowed me to sleep with strangers even though i didn’t want to. you manipulated me into believing that running around the streets without clothes was a smart idea until the police came and saved me. and i never saw you, even then, as someone who was hurting me. you continued to whisper in my ear that this is what life was and what it was supposed to be for me. and i just accepted that. i didn’t question you at all.

you made me angry. you made me disappear and run away a lot. you manipulated me into thinking that all of the pain and despair i was experiencing would go away because you would help me. you and i became best friends because i felt like you were the only person that was there for me in a way that no one else would ever understand. you helped me to erase my hurt.

and then you had me get arrested. because i wasn’t in my right mind. i remember after talking to you one night (well, we chit chatted and then you took me out) waking up to a hospital bed, chained, being told that i was arrested. you made me go through probation. you told me that i would be okay and those situations were just part of the process, but there was no reason to break up with you. because i trusted you and you were still there.

you made me pee on myself quite often. you made me hurt others in the process of acting out. you told me that others wouldn’t get me and that i was your only salvation no matter what. you told me that the triggers and traumas that i couldn’t get out of my head from all the sexual assaults i experienced would go away. you made me want to talk about them to strangers, not even the friends that i thought i could trust to understand. you completely changed my brain to all i knew…was to be dependent on you to see me through.

your presence in my life forced me to hurt the ones that were closest to me. and apologies to them never went over well. but you always forgave me and wanted me to come back and see about you.

and i did.

because the flesh is weak, and my mind and spirit believed that you weren’t going to hurt me anymore.

i gave you up for quite some time because one day, you and i decided to go out for an evening and you made me pass out. you had me ridiculed by people i thought were friends. you allowed others to take pictures of me and allow it to float around social media because you knew that this wasn’t that big of a deal. but you weren’t the one that had to wake up and seize the day again. you got me evicted. you and i were homeless together. but yet and still, you were the one that stayed around.

i knew it was time to take a step back from you. you beckoned and called me for ages. you always would pop up in spaces that i wanted to attend, but was scared that i would hurt myself or others again. you stopped my friends from talking in the sense of ‘saving me’, and it worked…for a little while. and then the old traumas began to rear their ugly head. and you found me again in my lowest state.

you and i became friends again. i forgave you. i thought because i had some time to re-evaluate our relationship, we would be able to walk hand in hand into the sunlight.

well, i am here to tell you.

you’re one manipulative, no-good, stank bitch. you’re a liar.

nothing good came from it. ever.

and because of me continuing to age and you were not, i saw myself just falling back into old habits. this time, it wasn’t as worse as when we became friends. but i noticed how you tended to take away my identity. my self. my heart of gold. a heart i couldn’t share with others, and was fearful of the repercussions that my truth would make others feel.

you were the only person i felt like was truly there that supported me. but it was all a facade. you played me. you wrecked my life. and i can’t forgive you for that. you made me an addict.

now, i’ve realized how evil you are. i see others engage with you and pray for their safety. i see you move on from me and work on others, trying to take them out the game. but guess what, honey?

i found my soul again. i found my spirit again. i realized my beauty once more. i haven’t completely come to terms with it all. but that takes times. but i will let you know that alcohol, you were the devil that i danced with for 14 years. and i don’t want to go back to the self loathing.

the loss of friendships.

the loss of myself.

the loss of my heart.

the loss of my intelligence.

the loss of my sense of peace.

the disappointment in self i have felt for years.

the loss of recognizing my talents and my beauty.

 

at this point. i’m ready to square up with you on site. you’ve taken so much of my life away from me, and now i’m reclaiming it back. because of you, i can’t function without mood stabilizers. i can’t function without medication to tell me that you are the devil and don’t belong in my spirit. my depression, anxiety, PTSD, former self-hate have a couple of words they wanted to share.

 

you don’t belong here anymore.

 

it sucks living in a city where socializing is all around drinking and going out. i suffer from social anxiety so i love to be lubricated. but for now…i’m just going to call on my Ancestors, my Higher Power, my deities, God Himself, to keep me here.

i won’t lose. that’s ONE thing that’s not in my DNA.

amen. asé.

-gg

fighting myself.

self sabotage. i push people away when i don’t intend to. i don’t know why my brain has wired itself to want to make people or myself feel as though i can’t get close to someone else or that everyone is going to push me away, but it’s just something i feel like i’ve dealt with for ages.

growing up, i was called a demon because of my sexuality. all of the things that i was praised for were never just being myself – they were wrapped up in my accomplishments. they were always because of me doing well in school. me getting full rides to do a variety of programs. the actual act of having something that was tangible is something that i have always held onto. that masculine sense of self. while i fought against the mentality of knowing that the things that weren’t able to be seen on the surface weren’t as important. at least that’s the narrative that i have internalized after all these years.

fast forward almost thirty years into the future and i feel like a complete wreck at times. i feel like i have been struggling just to hold it together in my brain. i feel like sometimes i sabotage myself in a way that takes me steps back. i know i have made progress in my life in some ways but i don’t feel like i am where i need to be in any way, shape or form. this goes back to that masculine sense of self that i have been fighting to always prove that i possess.

i have always heard from my grandmother she wants me to grow up to be the man that ‘God intended’. well, who is that? i know God very well. i know spirit very well. i know source energy has been blessing me in so many different ways, but i always focus on the negative. when you come from a space of always having situations transpire that aren’t the most…pleasant, you tend to focus on what’s NOT going well. i can honestly admit that i tend to focus on the bad over the good because the bad is what i want to manifest into being good all the time. and when it’s not instantaneous i tend to get very hurtful towards my self worth and harm myself in ways that is hard to explain.

i’ve been dealing with an addiction issue for quite some time. do you know how hard it is in order to be healed from addiction? do you know how much work and money it costs to be healed from that? do you also know how hard it is in order to be able to not go back to typical triggers/actions that take away from you being in the space that you need to be? well bitch i’ll be the first to tell you, it ain’t easy.

i’m working daily to try and get myself back to a better place. to find myself in a happier spirit. to make sure that i’m not always going back to the “old actions” that i tend to fall into. but it’s like, the more apt you are to do something all the time when it’s natural, the easier it is to just fall into that trap.

waking up and realizing that those traps are not where i want to be is the god honest truth. i petition to the ancestors consistently to take it away. i’ve alienated myself so much as of late because i don’t feel worthy of being loved because of my shortcomings. i am reminded daily that i am loved …but i hate that i tend to hurt the people that matter most to me when i’m hurting myself. and i don’t want to do that. it’s just the way i was wired. and i’m working on trying to do surgery on those different lines so that way i can pull myself out of my rut.

i spend my days these days looking for outpatient alcohol abuse programs. i spend my days right now calling people trying to figure out what is the next step. i can’t even begin to explain how many psychiatrists i’ve spoken to. my therapist is on speed dial. the various outpatient rehab programs always take my information and then tell me that it’s going to cost me $800 a day or so JUST to take care of myself. how am i supposed to pay for my apartment? my amenities. i know that i am grateful to have a roof over my head. i just don’t want to lose that. and i’m not even able to work right now because i consistently have panic attacks. i’m having anxiety attacks regularly as to where i just shell up and disappear. and then find myself back falling into the vices that set me down the wrong path in the first place.

i say i want to get better. and that’s not a lie in any way, shape, or form. it takes a lot of work. it takes a lot of time. and it takes a lot of fucking money. which i don’t have right now. but i’m not giving up. i’m the last bitch to give up on themselves.

yes, i may experience some setbacks more often than others. but i don’t want to give up hope on myself. God didn’t allow me to come this far to give up hope. and therefore, i’m going to continue to figure out what needs to be done in order to see the light again.

i miss being happy. i miss being secure. i miss feeling like i had a grasp on things. everything feels like it’s slipping…

 

slipping…

 

slipping away. and i just want to yoke that bitch by the hair and tell her ‘no bitch. not this time. we’re doing this together whether we like it or not’.

change doesn’t happen overnight. change doesn’t happen instantaneously. it takes time. it takes patience. and i have to work on all that.

i didn’t know where else to write this. i didn’t know how to call out for help. but lemme tell you. all i want right now?

i just want that ‘me’ back that could actually wake up, feel good about himself, treat those in his life with kindness and first and foremost…treat himself with such.

the divinity in me sees the divinity in my circumstance. once all this is said and done, i know it’ll be…more than my heart can even imagine.

amen. asé.

-gg