fighting myself.

self sabotage. i push people away when i don’t intend to. i don’t know why my brain has wired itself to want to make people or myself feel as though i can’t get close to someone else or that everyone is going to push me away, but it’s just something i feel like i’ve dealt with for ages.

growing up, i was called a demon because of my sexuality. all of the things that i was praised for were never just being myself – they were wrapped up in my accomplishments. they were always because of me doing well in school. me getting full rides to do a variety of programs. the actual act of having something that was tangible is something that i have always held onto. that masculine sense of self. while i fought against the mentality of knowing that the things that weren’t able to be seen on the surface weren’t as important. at least that’s the narrative that i have internalized after all these years.

fast forward almost thirty years into the future and i feel like a complete wreck at times. i feel like i have been struggling just to hold it together in my brain. i feel like sometimes i sabotage myself in a way that takes me steps back. i know i have made progress in my life in some ways but i don’t feel like i am where i need to be in any way, shape or form. this goes back to that masculine sense of self that i have been fighting to always prove that i possess.

i have always heard from my grandmother she wants me to grow up to be the man that ‘God intended’. well, who is that? i know God very well. i know spirit very well. i know source energy has been blessing me in so many different ways, but i always focus on the negative. when you come from a space of always having situations transpire that aren’t the most…pleasant, you tend to focus on what’s NOT going well. i can honestly admit that i tend to focus on the bad over the good because the bad is what i want to manifest into being good all the time. and when it’s not instantaneous i tend to get very hurtful towards my self worth and harm myself in ways that is hard to explain.

i’ve been dealing with an addiction issue for quite some time. do you know how hard it is in order to be healed from addiction? do you know how much work and money it costs to be healed from that? do you also know how hard it is in order to be able to not go back to typical triggers/actions that take away from you being in the space that you need to be? well bitch i’ll be the first to tell you, it ain’t easy.

i’m working daily to try and get myself back to a better place. to find myself in a happier spirit. to make sure that i’m not always going back to the “old actions” that i tend to fall into. but it’s like, the more apt you are to do something all the time when it’s natural, the easier it is to just fall into that trap.

waking up and realizing that those traps are not where i want to be is the god honest truth. i petition to the ancestors consistently to take it away. i’ve alienated myself so much as of late because i don’t feel worthy of being loved because of my shortcomings. i am reminded daily that i am loved …but i hate that i tend to hurt the people that matter most to me when i’m hurting myself. and i don’t want to do that. it’s just the way i was wired. and i’m working on trying to do surgery on those different lines so that way i can pull myself out of my rut.

i spend my days these days looking for outpatient alcohol abuse programs. i spend my days right now calling people trying to figure out what is the next step. i can’t even begin to explain how many psychiatrists i’ve spoken to. my therapist is on speed dial. the various outpatient rehab programs always take my information and then tell me that it’s going to cost me $800 a day or so JUST to take care of myself. how am i supposed to pay for my apartment? my amenities. i know that i am grateful to have a roof over my head. i just don’t want to lose that. and i’m not even able to work right now because i consistently have panic attacks. i’m having anxiety attacks regularly as to where i just shell up and disappear. and then find myself back falling into the vices that set me down the wrong path in the first place.

i say i want to get better. and that’s not a lie in any way, shape, or form. it takes a lot of work. it takes a lot of time. and it takes a lot of fucking money. which i don’t have right now. but i’m not giving up. i’m the last bitch to give up on themselves.

yes, i may experience some setbacks more often than others. but i don’t want to give up hope on myself. God didn’t allow me to come this far to give up hope. and therefore, i’m going to continue to figure out what needs to be done in order to see the light again.

i miss being happy. i miss being secure. i miss feeling like i had a grasp on things. everything feels like it’s slipping…

 

slipping…

 

slipping away. and i just want to yoke that bitch by the hair and tell her ‘no bitch. not this time. we’re doing this together whether we like it or not’.

change doesn’t happen overnight. change doesn’t happen instantaneously. it takes time. it takes patience. and i have to work on all that.

i didn’t know where else to write this. i didn’t know how to call out for help. but lemme tell you. all i want right now?

i just want that ‘me’ back that could actually wake up, feel good about himself, treat those in his life with kindness and first and foremost…treat himself with such.

the divinity in me sees the divinity in my circumstance. once all this is said and done, i know it’ll be…more than my heart can even imagine.

amen. asé.

-gg

Serenity.

When I first wrote this word as the title of this post, I automatically thought of Sailor Moon. For those of you that don’t know, I’m a huge Sailor Moon fan. She is like the pinnacle of me first knowing I was gay to be quite honest, because I used to run home from school everyday to catch her and all of my girls on TV and get enthralled in their stories. (Just so it’s out there/if you’re a fan of the show, I stan Sailor Venus/Sailor Venus is me). It just amazed me to see them transform from simple school girls into warriors, there to save the Earth from damage and harm. Even though at times they seemed ‘weak’ in the typical eye of what a ‘superhero’ is supposed to be (what the hell was that ‘Mercury Bubbles Blast’?!?!?! Why were they always getting dusted by the Black Moon Clan?? Don’t even get me started on Sailor Stars – Sailor Galaxia jacked all them UP!!!!!), they still represented and fought against all that was wrong in the world, and I can’t say that they haven’t inspired me in some ways to be the person that I am today. A bitch be out here fighting evil by moonlight, and winning love by daylight. #yesimridiculous

Princess-Serenity-sailor-moon-39738509-800-1095

Anyways, Princess Serenity (for all you people who don’t know about/watch Sailor Moon – shame on you, Lindsie) is the prior reincarnation of Sailor Moon in the MoonKingdom, before all hell broke loose in the Moon Kingdom. Serenity (Serena/Usagi in her Earth form) was fascinated by the Earth (I don’t know how she would feel about Earth present day in regards to all the crazy shit that is happening in our world) and decided to travel to Earth against her mother’s wishes and met a man who she fell in love with, Prince Endymion (who is reincarnated as Mamoru/Darien (Japanese/English version). Long story short, some shit goes down in the Moon Kingdom during this time, and Prince Endymion dies saving Princess Serenity. Ridden with grief and guilt, Princess Serenity commits suicide in order to be with her man (I’m assuming this, I’m not sure if this was confirmed for sure because I ain’t read the manga, I just watched the show in its entirety 3000 times but I mean…the love of your life is gone and we have seen people in life die shortly after their loved ones/partners pass on to the afterlife). Her mother, Queen Serenity, then used the Silver Crystal to reincarnate her daughter, her lover, and all of the rest of the Sailor Senshi to have another chance at life on Earth. This was the ultimate sacrifice, as she then lost her own life because she chose to use the Silver (Moon) Crystal and its energy in order for others to have another chance at life. This is how the series begins, if I’m not mistaken. I could be wrong, it’s been a little while since I’ve watched the show, but this is why Serena/Usagi is on Earth and finally develops her powers and finds her tribe once again, and is always protecting that damn crystal in her locket. It’s what gives her life and allows her to be the light for others and take out the darkness in the bad guys.

Now, that has absolutely nothing, but something to do with what I wanted to get out in today’s post and the topic of ‘serenity’. Serenity is defined as “the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled“. I believe Princess and Queen Serenity received their name because their soul mission was to have peace in the Moon Kingdom, and then on planet Earth. I have been legitimately been searching for serenity for quite some time, and I’m going to tell you that that shit is not easy. It’s a choice to be serene. It’s a choice to be calm. It’s a choice to be peaceful and untroubled. It’s a choice MOMENT to MOMENT to be that way. And I haven’t been failing at it per se, but I have been feeling so many moments as of late that have been ramping my anxiety up, or sending me into overdrive.

I bring this word up and this topic up because of a reading I came across yesterday, and it being reaffirmed in a conversation I had later on in the day. I don’t want to share where the reading comes from, but some people may know/you can Google it if you so choose. Basically, the idea comes from the serenity prayer that we all know:

God [being able to] grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference.

As of late, I can’t tell you how many times I have said this prayer, or even heard it. Yesterday, I really had to sit and think about what it means to be ‘serene’. To me, it means that you are calm. You’re unfazed by things, and you choose to be peaceful. I also believe it means that you have the courage to change the things and leave the spaces that don’t make you peaceful and take away your joy. That takes a whole lot of work, and a lot of assessment. The more that I realize I’m working towards this place of  true ‘serenity’, the more I realize that I truly have to manifest the power to just block out what does not serve me, and know the difference between what brings me peace and what doesn’t. We all don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to our version of perfect peace.

The book I read said that serenity seemed like an impossible goal when first seeing/hearing that prayer. I had to take a second to rethink what I thought the word ‘serene’ meant. I’ve always attributed it to just being chill, and not letting things bother you. Isn’t that a state of life that you always want to be in? Don’t you want to just be even keeled and not bothered by things all the time – even the slightest inconveniences? That takes practice, and consistent checking in with yourself in order to be in that state. That’s not always easy, and not always doable because let’s be real – we all have triggers. Whether it’s something as small as someone not remembering your name or who you are after you met them several times and engaged with them (p e t t y), or someone violating your personal space in a way that makes you uncomfortable that brings up past feelings that don’t make you feel good. It moves you out of this place of being calm, and makes you want to turn up real fast. TRUST – I am learning how to change the process of thought I go through of negative self talk, overthinking, and worrying in order to just be ‘serene’ and find that state of calm that I so deeply desire.

Serenity is plain recognition. It’s basically a realistic way of seeing what’s going on in front of us, accompanied with inner peace and strength. It’s like something that stabilizes us and lets us keep our balance no matter what turbulence swirls around us. That is a state of mind that is worth aiming for on a regular basis. Without it, what are we? We tend to be angry. We tend to be worrisome.

What if we just flip the script and start positively affirming things?

I’m worried about getting this job. —> “Yes, I’ll get this job, but if I don’t get it, something else will be out there for me that suits me.”

He really grinds my gears when he talks to me like that because he don’t know me like that. —> “I find it bothersome when people address me in this manner, but I’m not going to choose to latch onto those negative feelings right now, because I’m vibrating higher than that.”

His energy is throwing me off right now and it’s making me feel uncomfortable. –> “You know, it’s getting late and I just need to get home right now because something just made me feel a little off and I just need some space to quiet my mind.”

I’m tired of spending money on bills!!!!! I can’t ever keep any money! —> “I’m grateful and blessed that I have finances to be able to pay what I can, and whatever I can’t pay will get paid when I have the ability to. I can’t stress myself out with what I don’t have, and I still have to live. Worrying about them going to collections isn’t going to stop it right now from happening – I’ll do the best I can when I can and I will be provided with the funds eventually to make this up because I have faith everything will be alright.” (CHYLE, adult life is no joke!)

And a personal one for you I deal with…

My sobriety makes me feel so lonely because the sober people I know, I don’t really mesh with all that well all the time and I can’t be in spaces all the time where drinking and drugs are happening around me, so I feel isolated and like I can’t have fun anymore. —> “I’m grateful that I’m able to wake up tomorrow with a clear mind, and I can always see my friends in a different capacity where that’s not going to serve as a trigger for me and make me feel unhappy or like I’m missing out. I choose this peace and clarity of mind for my own wellness, and that’s okay. I would rather this than cloud myself with things that may cause me regret tomorrow. I’ll just spend my time doing something else.”

Choosing serenity isn’t easy everyday. It really is a daily practice to try and be serene. Your work will get done. You’ll get to see your friends. You will have chances to enjoy life on your own terms. You won’t allow others’ actions to trigger you to a point of no return. You have the power to choose to be peaceful, calm, and evenly centered. You are allowed to have sun in your life daily, even if there isn’t sun outside. Even in depression, which I suffer from, I know that it’s even more difficult for us that battle with that to find the positive in things. It truly is an act of kindness and self-love in order to try and do the best that you can everyday.

It may be messy.

It won’t be perfect.

But giving it a try is better than shrugging it off.

Now, go out there and be like Serenity. Not the killing yourself part, but choosing to allow peace to be your primary concern. I’m working on it myself, and you can too. Take some time to figure out how you can bring serenity into your life more on a daily basis, and practice reframing your thinking towards your benefit. The more you do that, the more you will see the changes manifest themselves, and the happier you have the potential to be.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

Tarot Pull – 8.13.18 – VI (6) of Air Inverted

Happy Monday guys. Today has been somewhat of one of those Mondays here in New York – rainy, and just a nuisance to have to deal with cloudy weather. I’m the type of person/empath where my emotions and the weather match, and today is a perfect example of what that means. It’s just been really ugly all day long, and that’s never fun.

Did y’all watch Insecure last night? I know I did. I have my thoughts about what this season is going to give, such as Molly setting her boundaries with Dro (COME ON UNIVERSE BEING ALIGNED WITH ISSA RAE AND ALL THE WRITERS IN REGARDS TO MY POSTS COMING TO LIFE) and Issa just trying to get her head on straight when it comes to her whole life. It seems like everyone in the show is in a state of becoming, and so are we. We are becoming even truer versions of ourselves, and fighting to remember what is most important to us and our spiritual growth, as well as our mental health. Hell, even people on television are proving to us that it’s important for us to remember what our boundaries are, and who the hell we actually are.

Today, before I lead into the Tarot Card pull of the day, I want to give you all this mantra I came across this week. Weekly, I read the tarot cards for the energy that you should be channeling from the week from one of my favorite websites, Forever Conscious, and the mantra at the very end of the page spoke to me.

“I see my past as my friend, leading me towards a positive future. I let go of any negative thought patterns. I am always moving forward.”

This was something I needed to read. Yesterday, I felt extremely guilty for not writing, but I just didn’t have the energy or the time, honestly. My mind has been in flux lately with so many things going on – work starting next week, me being out of town this weekend and being disconnected from the world, writing letters of recommendation for college, helping a friend edit his book…the list goes on. Normally, all of these things lead me to feel frantic and overwhelmed. I hate having a to-do list and feeling like there’s not enough time for me to get everything done, but also find that balance between productivity and running myself ragged. I simply beat myself up for sleeping in too late today (lemme tell you, sleeping in front of the A/C all night will fuck you up the next morning), but I knew that my body needed the rest. I was sad I didn’t post yesterday, but knew that creatively, my mind needed a break. I worked on some personal stuff instead, and I remembered that there’s no need for me to go into this anxiety driven state, like I normally do. Sometimes, all I need to do is take a breath, connect with my soul star and my Earth star, and just remember that I am not perfect. Whatever can get done will get done. I urge you to take care of yourself and your process this week, and learn from how you have felt in the past and whether or not it served you. I mean, today, I got in the gym (and y’all know how I just groaned and moaned about being in the gym a couple posts ago). I knew that it was a priority and a promise I made to myself, and I wanted to stick to it because I knew it would help me in the long run. While I was exhausted afterwards (and still am), I’m glad I didn’t succumb to the idea of just saying ‘no’ and finding a way to talk myself out of it. I faced my truth, and knew that my ideas of the gym were a lie. It can be a haven of peace and release if I allow it to be. That’s a choice I consciously have to make, and I am moving forward and releasing negative thought patterns around it.

If there’s something in your life today that you have had negative experiences with in the past, they offer lessons to us. If the lesson is you staying away from that space, honor that. If you have a negative thought pattern around it that is unjustified, take some time to look inside yourself and figure out why you feel the way that you feel. Perhaps it can clarify some things for you, and allow you to do the inner work necessary to prevail and remind yourself of why you can make a choice to change the way you react to things for the better.

Now, today’s card is the 6 of Air inverted.

FHM26GZNRgSw8pttWo85pw

As ya’ll can see, there are a bunch of birds flying around a beach, with the sun in the background, looking peaceful.

“Six birds on the seashore fly away. They may be trying to reach other lands, or they may just be flying around, playing in the air. In the air, they feel like queens of the sky, endowed as they are with the gift of flying and the ability to spend the night on any shore where they find suitable weather.”

I interpret this in general to mean that wherever you are, you have a choice – you either can move around and do different things, experience different emotions, and go through different circumstances if you choose. You can also just chill, be majestic, and know that the gifts that you are blessed with allow you to be where you want to be when you want to be there. It also talks about them ‘playing in the air’. Sometimes, you can choose to move around with purpose. Sometimes, you just want to be free. Channel that energy if you choose.

However, the inversion of this card has a different meaning. It states: ‘dispersion, distraction, disquiet. Immobility, putting down roots, settling down. That which does not mutate.’

A couple of things that arise from within me – you may be feeling like there are so many distractions happening in your life right now. I know I have been. Take a second to figure out why you’re distracted if you are, get to the root of it, and determine whether or not said distraction is worth that energy. You may be led to spread some of your love, some of that energy that has you distracted, or whatever has you stagnant to other areas of your life. Don’t feel like you can’t move or you’re ‘immobile’. That is a choice if you allow it to be. Life is made to be lived as free, and you (me) personally may feel like you’re trapped. You aren’t though. You have the choice to do what the hell you want, and just be as free as a bird is, flying all throughout the skies. You can still put roots down somewhere, but you are still able to love and experience life for what it is worth if that’s your choice. You are a queen/king, after all. Everything in your head may not be quiet either. That’s okay too – figure out how to silence your mind. I suggest meditation, because when you have the opportunity to look inward, you’re able to try and tap into the root of some of your problems. This could be very beneficial for you in many ways.

You may be feeling a bit stagnant right now, or a bit frazzled. That’s okay. Just remember that you have a choice to not feel that way, and you know what it takes in order for you to feel much more at peace and move forward to a place of serenity. You could put down roots and that helps you settle down. That could alleviate some of the noise in your brain. You could also distract yourself with something positive for you. These are all suggestions to help you lead a healthier, better life.

Take some time to think about yourself, and give yourself a little love for what you have accomplished today. Envision what all parts of life look like for you, and whether you choose to be free as a bird and play, or fly south for the winter. It’s really a daily choice in regards to what you choose to feel. You’re in control of that, and you can experience all of those emotions. You just need to determine what’s best for you in the grand scheme of things, and how you truly want to feel.

Be present in where you are right now, and where you’re going. You’ll see things manifest for you if you focus your intentions and energy where you visualize yourself being as I’ve stated before. You don’t have to live in that disquiet at all unless you choose to. Everything is your own personal choice. Choose what’s best for you.

Press on, my friends. You’re doing great.

Amen. Asé.

-gg