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this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

Remember me, September.

Happy September, and the beginning of a brand new month. I believe that the first of the month is always a time to be stressed because of bills and shit, but it’s also a time to set intentions and look at what you can positively manifest for what you want to see come to the surface for the month. Today is a special day for me personally, as I’m celebrating an anniversary with a special someone and I look forward to what the day has in store for me.

September is that time of year where we all know school is back in session, Fall is right around the corner, and we are about to step into a new energy and a different cycle of time. It’s said that September is a time of completion, as it is the last month of the 3rd part of the year. I think of all the things that I have learned throughout the summer, and I ask you to reflect on how summer was for you. Did you have a great summer? Did you make new relationships or friendships? Was your summer completely insular? Did you start a new endeavor or have a new vision come to the forefront for you, and now you want to make sure that you follow through with it? Think of what September can bring in terms of completion, and finishing up what you feel is necessary for you to transcend to another level. I always feel like September for me is the time to stop, take a second to think about what has happened up until this point, and then anticipate what I want the end of my year to look like. October is my birth month, so this is always the perfect time for me to start to manifest and plan for what I want to transpire as the rest of the year comes to a close and I celebrate a new year of life. 2018 has flown by if you think about it, and think of how far you have come and how much you have grown as a person this year.

I’ll get a little personal – I began this year in a fog, I feel like. I was in a deep depression (I experience seasonal depression already, and battling anxiety and depression without being medicated properly at the time) and was looking for clarity. Even though I was on a good level of connection with the Universe, a Higher Power and something outside of my physical self, I still wasn’t able to clearly achieve what I wanted out of life. I have some not-so-fond memories of me not advocating for myself, being harassed at work verbally and physically, and literally sleeping my life away because I was just so sad that I wasn’t where I felt like I needed to be. As time passed on, I began to relapse back into old habits that didn’t serve me at all. For those that don’t know me well, at the very beginning of the year, I was about a year and 5 months into sobriety from alcohol. As stress started to pile onto me, I began to go back to my old ways, thinking I had overcome the battle with alcohol that was plaguing me. This was not the case at all, as I was starting to see old parts of myself come back to the surface. I was in therapy at the time, and I remember feeling a lot of guilt and anguish around my return to alcohol. I still couldn’t find a way to put the bottle down, and thought that the situations I was enduring weren’t as bad as they were back before I became sober the first time. I found other outlets in order to curb my pain and anxiety, but they weren’t the healthiest outlets, so I went back to what I knew. I was still meditating, and doing what I felt was necessary to remain peaceful…but that wasn’t really serving its purpose. The bottle really hurt my spirit and my soul, and I began to feel lost. For those of you that know that alcohol is a depressant, drinking and being a person who deals with depression is NOT a good mix. I don’t recommend it to anyone because it only brings you more unhappiness and confusion in your life.

In therapy however, I began to find my voice. I began to find out that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I was able to come to the realization that my negative self talk was keeping me from being successful in my endeavors. I realized that I never thought I was good enough, or second guessed my abilities. I then began to realize that I was letting outside forces take over my beliefs, and came to the conclusion that I needed to look at myself first and build myself up more. I had all the tools right in front of me, but was blind to them. I began to learn that advocating for yourself isn’t a bad thing. Speaking up isn’t a bad thing. Owning your truth may seem uncomfortable for others, but it’s your own damn truth. I started to realize how much power I actually possessed, and how I was able to come even further than I had ever thought. I began to grow in therapy, and learned what I needed in order for me to feel at peace with myself.

I began the journey of self-love and truly appreciating who I am and not taking shit from anyone, no matter who they were: a boss, a friend, a lover, anyone. I learned what it was to make boundaries for myself, which I had never done in my life; I always thought it necessary to placate other people’s desires and that was the problem. I wasn’t putting myself first, and I have learned how to do that with a spirit of humbleness and strength these days. As the year has progressed and into the summertime, I was able to meet someone and learn from them some of the things that I never got to experience in companionship. I was able to build stronger relationships and be open with my friends and myself, regardless of judgment. I began to connect even more to my Higher Power, converse with my Ancestors without feeling judgment, and felt like my eyes finally opened. I began to own my space. I started this journey with writing again, which has been a passion of mine for years, but had waned over the past ~7 months. This blog was birthed not just for me, but to help others out there who may experience some of the same feelings I have and to reassure them that they aren’t alone. It was my way of doing service and giving back in my authentic, genuine way. That has made me so much stronger. I also started my sobriety journey again, and truly feel even stronger this time around. Now, I’m at a place where things aren’t still ‘perfect’ but it’s not life if everything is perfect. I’m happy, and always am growing towards a stronger place.

I urge you to take some time to reflect on what has made your year either amazing, tumultuous, depressing, happy, transformative…whatever adjective you would like to choose. I also want you to then think about and manifest what you would enjoy the rest of your year to be like, and how you can take action to make this happen. Just praying about it or meditating on it isn’t enough. Without proper action, you cannot gain what is necessary for you to feel at peace and see the hard work you put out there come to pass. You have to choose wisely in regards to what is beneficial for you, and what’s beneficial for others. You came into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone sadly – all the in-between is your opportunity to make decisions for yourself and live life to it’s highest capacity and for your greatest good. The journey is never over, and you are learning every day. It’s not always going to be a happy day. It’s not always going to be a sad day. But as long as you have breath in your body, you have choice. I choose to make sure that I do things that bring me joy, that keep me grounded, and that make me feel like I’m doing what is necessary for me to progress the way I want. I am nowhere near perfection, but who really is? Anyone that seems like they have the perfect life is bullshitting you, and social media and people’s walls will make you believe that everything is okay. The more that you are open with the changes you want, and have a tribe of people that support your endeavors, the more you are able to manifest and live the life of joy that you want.

These are two of the cards I pulled today. One is from my tarot deck, and the other is from my oracle deck. The tarot card is Xapaná/Babaluallé/Omolú and it’s a figure of a man fully covered by a kind of straw. The straw is around him to show that he has no shape. He’s related to matters of health to help make the correct treatment for what’s necessary for your betterment. He is popular and known as the saint that cures plagues and smallpox. When I think of plagues, this can be an emotional plague or an actual physical plague. He is the one that is said to be the healer of certain diseases. Because he is someone who is able to concentrate so deeply, it is said that his analysis is critical and his comments are sharp – basically, he is a straight shooter.

Think of what you need to do in order to be a straight shooter today in all endeavors. Sometimes, we cover ourselves up and have this shroud of mystery because we think we are saving ourselves from something or saving others from something. If you think about it, all you do when you shade yourself from others is legitimately hurt yourself from getting to the place you want to be. Be forthcoming in what you want in your life, and especially with the energy in the Universe we are experiencing, you can most definitely ensure that it’s time to boss the fuck up and do what is necessary for you to feel at peace.

It is said that the meaning of this card is a high fraternal and spiritual sense. You have a spirit of service and strong imagination and organizing mind. You are sensitive to the pain of others, physically and spiritually. You’re always willing to cooperate as much as possible, and this quality is more noticeable as time passes. You have the ability to recover and improve yourself from a certain state. Even though the card is inverted, since this card is the only one I pulled, I believe there are no bad vibes that come from this unless you choose not to take heed to these words I’ve shared. You can recover from whatever blunder you may feel you’re in the middle of, but as you see, it’s not done alone. It’s done through having a spirit of service and having a spirit of openness. Ensure that you are being honest with yourself and others, and doing what is necessary for you to progress. Honor how far you have come today, and celebrate the lessons you have learned with others. This is the only way to gain true salvation and understanding and be a true vision of service and manifestation towards goodness.

The oracle card Choose Wisely comes when you have a vision or goal you want to achieve, but you have scattered energies and unrealistic expectations that prevent you from getting what you desire. There are many opportunities out there, but you have to make a decision on what is going to be best for you. It reminds you that options that all around you and may appear to have all the influence and power, but you are the person that is in control and responsible for all the choices you make. This segues into you making the proper decisions that are going to help benefit you as time goes on in life. Make sure that you are taking the time today and for the rest of the month to think, analyze carefully, look at all possibilities in front of you, and take action. This card is outlined in green because it’s a card that deals with your emotions, and you want to ensure you are going into any situation with the clearest set of feelings probable in order to make the decision that’s going to benefit you for the better. Don’t be hasty just because you feel like you HAVE to do something – we are all given free will to do whatever is necessary for our greatest good. Don’t be influenced by others that don’t know what is best for you – this is a good time to heighten your intuition and be in tune with yourself and your own personal desires. Be focused. Be wise. Don’t make decisions out of desperation. Just be true to yourself and what is going to help you be at your best self – not things made out of extreme emotions.

This month, I want you to focus on how you can be of service to self first, but also service to others. Take into account what you can be responsible for and what you can control. Think about all options that are out there, and how you can use all these options to your benefit in the way that Spirit wants you to. Follow your gut/intuition, and make decisions that are going to help you live this month of September at your happiest, most sincere level. Meditate or pray on what is going to bring you true and utter peace. Remember that you are the only one that has to live with you at the end of the day, and as Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race says…CHOICES. You have the choice to do what’s best for you.

A little mantra for you to go forth on today and think about as this month goes on:

“Mother Earth, I am your child. Thank you for being here. It feels so good to be here on this planet. Today, I vow to do my very best to help you along in your evolution. I know that as you grow and evolve, I will too. Thank you for all of your blessings to this point in my life. I feel very blessed.”

Repeat this a couple of times, and go forth and prosper today and for the rest of this month of September. Remember, you got the juice, as my baba says to me. It just takes you recognizing that you do and you are going to allow whatever is necessary for you to feel whole to come to pass. I believe in you. And I love you.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

Tarot Pull – 8.7.18 – The Outcast

Buenos días. I send lots of love and light and comfort to each person taking the time to read today’s post. I also send a lot of power. This week, energetically, has a lot going on in the cosmos. Tomorrow is the opening of the Lionsgate Portal, which is going to bring about a lot of energy that helps you to tap into your empathic energy (or even raise your empathic energy if you already are one), and also bring a lot more love into the Universe and your surroundings. We also have an eclipse happening at the end of the week that is going to be monumental to your glow-up phase. You may have been having an off week thus far, and feeling a little conflicted in various ways. I know I have personally, so if you’re feeling a bit off, don’t forget to learn how to reset yourself and breathe through this. It’s totally normal. All these retrogrades ain’t no hoe.

This morning during meditation, I took some time to practice using some of the Mudras. Mudras are hand gestures rooted in Hinduism and Buddhism. While I do not practice either of these religions/spiritualities, I use them during meditation in order to help me seal in energy that I want to enact for the day. They’re used a lot in yoga, and while I’m not a yogi, I intend one day to get to that space where I’m able to use more yoga practices in my daily life in order to center my energy. Today I used the Power Mudra (listed below) in order to help me make sure that I flow through my day with power. If you meditate, you can use some of these in order to seal the energy that you want throughout the day. You don’t have to be Buddhist or Hindu in order to use the Mudras, and I have noticed that my practice of using them while meditating helps me feel even more alive afterwards. There are many different mudras (the link above has different ones for yoga practices), so you have a number you can use while meditating.

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Moving forward, I want to get into today’s tarot card pull, which I found very interesting, in light of something I read yesterday. Today’s tarot card pull was The Outcast.

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I pulled this card after doing some dice divination. I rolled a 4 twice (I have two sets of dice I roll every morning in order to think about a number I want to keep in mind a day – how many times I take deep breaths when triggered, how many people I check in with a day, etc) and this is the card that I pulled after shuffling 4 times, and removing the first 3 cards off the top of the deck to get to the fourth one. This is what I pulled.

Now, I was reading somewhere on a site I visit frequently, Forever Conscious, about how important it is this week to take some time to disconnect from social media and everyone else and spend time to connect to nature and your thoughts and what is going on with your personal energy.

As we look at this card, we see a naked man, in a carefree and contemplative manner, stretching as if he just accomplished some really difficult work. He is in a very divine pose, if you ask me, and really just submitting himself to everything around him.

“The bag he carries on his shoulder contains the minimum a human being may have. His lips hold a flower, a symbol of innocence and näiveté. His legs are crossed, showing that he can change his position as he pleases. One foot is slightly propped up and is being pecked by a bird, causing him pain – the only feeling that will call him back to reality and prevent him from falling into complete emptiness. The other foot is twisted in an uncomfortable, though not impossible position. In spite of being on the edge of a precipice, he turns his back to it and holds lightly onto a palm tree. [This card] is called “the outcast” because, within several African tribes, a person who did not abide by the rules of his social group had only one alternative: exile.”

A couple of things I want to pull out here are that he is trying to hold onto the lightest amount of baggage he can. He’s not trying to carry anything with him that isn’t necessary. Are you holding onto things of the past that are weighing down on you right now? If so, I believe it’s time to let them go. Are you allowing things or people that don’t necessarily serve your greater good to hold you back? Let them go. Him being pecked by this rooster, in the picture, is causing him pain, and bringing him back to reality. Sometimes, we have people or situations that don’t allow us to be in our most powerful states because we are so worried about perception of how others will receive us when we are functioning at our highest selves. When we are not following the crowd, we tend to feel exiled or like we do not fit in. Is there a problem in being exiled for following what you believe YOU need for your own good? I think not, personally.

If you struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out), is it because you think the situation/event you’re missing out on is worth your time, or do you just want to be a part of the crowd? Or do you consider thinking about how you would rather not energetically be in that space and how it may affect your being? Take some time to think about this. It says that when people in these African cultures didn’t follow the crowd, they would be exiled. Normally, exile, or isolation as I want to refer to it in this case, has always seemed like a bad thing. But, at times, that isolation is what allows you to focus and harness your personal power in a way that you wouldn’t be able to unless you are by yourself, focusing on yourself. Take some time to ponder on this.

“The chosen animal, a rooster, awakens us from a lethargic state. This is not a casual selection. The rooster is chosen because this brave fowl does not exude adrenaline as a result of fear.” Essentially, don’t be fearful of what you’re missing out on. You deserve you-time, and make sure you take this time in order to function at your highest good.

The meaning of this card is that [it might be] “overwhelming and difficult to handle situation(s) or attitude(s). Uneasiness, nervousness, but lightheartedness at the same time. Childish behavior, laziness, complacence, lyricism; immoderate, unrestrained and misunderstood altruism. Hypersensitivity, although seemingly numb to feelings, which may be a mental block. Need to suffer to mature. Total incongruity, sickness, madness, yet geniality at the same time, meaning that he is not using his powers, intelligence, or creative imagination, which is significant.”

Whoa. That’s a lot to take in, even for me as I dive into this. I think of myself and a lot of my personal journey in life. I have been undergoing a transformation internally for quite some time, and it’s been lonely at times. I also have been in emotional spaces where I feel alone, and don’t know who to reach out to, and feel like I need someone there in order to make me feel better. I’ve been hypersensitive myself to things around me at times, but as days have gone on, that has gone away. Why? I realize that my path is for me and not for everyone else. I’m choosing to mature myself, and sometimes, suffering is part of the maturation process. I think of certain battles I’ve been experiencing, such as focusing on my job process, and other instances in my sobriety that have at times in the past made me feel like an outcast. Ironically enough, I don’t feel guilty as much as I used to. I’m moving past feeling like being an outcast or just being ‘different’ is a bad thing. You have to realize that your journey on this planet is special for you, and at times, others won’t get it. You will have people that are in your corner and understand, but the lot won’t.

Are you taking time to daydream and think about what you actually want in your energy? Are you taking time to value what’s important to you, and no one else? You always don’t need to provide an answer to others. Sometimes, you just need to have faith and trust that what is for you is for you and will come in due time. Otherwise, this card can reflect a lot of negative behaviors that cause you to be in a space that doesn’t serve your spirit, and your isolation can be seen as negative. Everyone needs their time to recharge, and you deserve the opportunity to do such. Cut out and cut off what doesn’t resonate with your spirit, or else you can find yourself in spaces that you are mentally blocked off and can’t function. I don’t want that for you, and I’m sure you don’t want that for yourself.

“His reactions are hard to explain, understand, or control. He sees the trees, but not the forest. He loses himself in unnecessary details and his priorities change. His love affairs are conflicting and morbid, and he tends to abandon them. He may be a great poet who will never finish a single tercet, a great musician who will never perform his symphony, etc.” 

Are you losing yourself in unnecessary details for your own personal growth? Are you allowing yourself to just see what’s right in front of you, instead of the grand picture? Are you taking time to really think about what’s most important for you? Do you have a vision of what you want, forgetting about always pleasing others? As someone who has grown up and internalized a life of people pleasing, I am constantly working past putting others before myself. In my line of work, that’s natural for me to put others before me. But, you also have to connect back to the boundaries that you want to set in place in order to make sure that you are functioning at your greatest potential and not letting yourself be taken advantage of. Being an outcast can be positive or negative, based on how you frame your thinking around it. Sometimes, you just need to be alone in order to receive what the Universe and your Ancestors have for you. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people – you are your first priority and with the help of your own personal Higher Power or your deepest connection to self, you can ensure that you are isolating yourself when you need to reconnect to what’s most important. That’s your personal path and personal growth. Everyone ain’t made to go along with you, especially if they’re not helping you grow to the space you see yourself being and the person you want to become.

‘If you have no direction, you may tend to find yourself doing things outside your character. You may lack tenderness and love in some aspect. If you find yourself in this situation, change immediately to avoid sinking into the abyss. Do not wait until pain knocks at your door to bring you to reality. If it is not you, but another person, help immediately to free them from that freezing catharsis. Remember: they need affection and understanding immediately.’

As you read this, you may be thinking – hey, I’m actually doing my own thing, feeling good, looking good, flourishing, drinking my water and hydrating, minding my own fucking business. You also could know of a person who is drowning themselves in personal sorrow and doesn’t even realize the damage that they are causing by not functioning in their true light. It’s not your job to judge – it’s your job to guide them to the light. The best way is by trying to show them that you understand, and lead with love today. Remember, you may have been outcast at one point, and someone may have pulled you out of your shell or out of your depression in order to show you the light. We are all on this Earth to connect with one another. Everyone doesn’t always have to be outcast or alone forever in order to gain what they need in regards to their salvation and happiness. You can be that light for them if you see them suffering. Wouldn’t you want that same love and affection back to you?

If you feel like this is you, wake the actual fuck up, strap them boots on, and do the work that is necessary deep down. That may take you taking a step back from the things you normally would do, reassess what is happening around you, and re-emerge when you feel ready. But also, remember that there is someone that you can reach out to if you need that compassion and that love. If you are reading this and don’t feel like you have a ‘person’, I’m willing to be that person for you. Yes, I admit and accept that I am not a perfect person, but I am willing and able to be the light for others in a way that you may not be able to be for yourself. Take the charge of thinking about what is important for you to feel like you are functioning on your personal path towards your own happiness and joy. It’s your birthright to feel that, and if you feel yourself sinking like a ship, it’s time to hop off that bitch and re-pot yourself so you can grow into the beautiful flower that you are. If you see someone else sinking and you are already strapped in strong to your power, reach out to others to make sure that they don’t drown. Everyone needs and deserves an understanding friend or person in their life that will support them. I’m grateful for those people in my life, and all they have done to save me from myself in ways. (shoutout to my tribe and my partner <3)

Pay it forward on today. If you need some time to recalibrate, do such. No one should judge you and if they do, they’re not a part of the social circle you need to be in. Your tribe will come to you in your time of need, and those are the people that will feed your spirit the way that you deserve.

I hope this makes sense. Live in power today, find your true passions, take time for yourself, and don’t drown yourself in sorrow if you’re feeling lonely. Reach out to others for help if necessary, and remember that there’s always someone there, ready and willing to help you if you ask for it.

I love you, if no one else has told you this today.

Amen. Asé.

-gg