5k

this is the most i have been able to do in quite some time. for the past couple of days, all i have been able to do is lay down and watch television. as i was telling my friends, i even did that in the laziest way possible. ever since my return to new york, i did not leave the house unless i had to go to therapy (because the fee to pay them is more expensive than not going) and i was supposed to work the end of the week but emotionally, i just couldn’t go. all i’ve been able to do is just be my myself and essentially try and numb myself out of reality. my phone was on do not disturb for about 3-4 days straight. i just didn’t want any phone calls or people to bother me in the state that i was in. i didn’t care. no one would really get it, except for two people. those people even got lag time on their responses. that’s how i knew i was encroaching a dark place.

also, i’m the type of person – when i get engrossed in something, i hate being broken away from it, even for a little bit, unless i’m willing to take a step back for something worth it and matching my energy in that moment as to where i am. i can’t tell you how many phone calls i have dodged. texts. just communication. i have been honestly imagining myself on an island and just playing ‘survivor’ because that’s what i spent half of my 5 days doing, and the other half of the 5 days being a cop watching SVU. and honestly, i was so lazy when it came to TV…normally, i can find a link for any show. i wanted to watch the challenge, but didn’t have the energy to find links. then SVU is on Hulu and that had commercials. so i ended up on Amazon Prime because i have my CBS all access pass through there and binged seasons of survivor. that i’ve already seen. multiple times. because…i honestly can’t tell you why other than that was my safe place.

losing my uncle has impacted me in a way that i never expected it would. normally i can get past the loss of someone, but this one really hit me hard. it didn’t become so real until i went home. some people are the types of people that can push through the pain and be busy and that will keep them motivated or their ‘mind off things’. man, if i can’t mentally be present enough not to continually be in tears, then i’m not going to be any good. GIVE ME A JOB I CAN DO FROM HOME PLEASE, LORD. so if mary needs to weep, martha can go ahead and moan. i couldn’t do those days and i had been going to therapy, and realized how much grief can be a bitch. i’ve never experienced this level of it, and it’s such a hard reality pill to swallow. it’s like all i feel like i have energy to do IS just lay around. when i start moving, i feel nauseous. i’ve thrown up multiple mornings if i get up before a certain time trying to do shit. i do the same things every morning and the mornings i’m getting ready for work, the symptoms smack me like your mama when you call her a bitch accidentally under your breath a little too loudly. this has been happening consistently since the funeral. and i’m over it but i’m just really trying to learn to be patient with myself.

you know, people talk about therapy and paying for help but bitch, they really try their best to not make me feel as guilty as i normally would. i’ve been wired to believe that anything that is less than perfection isn’t worth it. i don’t know if that’s a black household thing. i don’t know if that’s a circumstantial thing. i don’t know if that’s just a ‘black gay trying to make it out here in his own way’ thing. but it’s something that i haven’t adjusted to yet. so yeah i’m working on trust and talking to people about what’s going on. it’s easier at times to put pen to paper because it’s just like, here you go girls. you don’t have to ask me questions verbally because i hate talking. when i was younger, i had a speech problem (my mother and i revisited this when i went home and it’s something i completely forgot i had growing up). i had a speech problem where i just wouldn’t talk until i was around 2. i mean, i was the most observant little child but speaking was something i didn’t always do. and it’s honestly still something i struggle with, especially when it comes to talking to people in general. so yeah, i pay to speak to these people and the biggest takeaway i have gotten is grief is different and i have to allow myself to be where i am.

the past couple of days until maybe yesterday, i wasn’t able to leave my house forreal. i did therapy, got results from my therapists the past couple of days, and really have just been trying to be conscious of that (one said make a plan for my day to day movements and girl i can’t do that, my life is a whirlwind – how do i schedule “vomit session for 25 minutes” into a day?) today, i could exit for longer. i’m working on it. i’ve been breaking out. my stress is through the roof. i can’t focus. my heart is hurting. i can’t even do my spiritual rituals like i would like.

also, that’s another thing. i’ve just realized how much i invest in the fucks of others and i just want to let you know, if you’re reading this – screw what anyone else has to say about your swag unless it is something that you’re doing that’s going to harm you towards broaching your greater good. you’re allowed to experience, but continual signs that that ain’t for you is enough. otherwise, if you just live life on your own terms without the constant worry of others’ judgment, it makes you feel like when you hit the star box on sonic and you got the invincibility stars surrounding you. that’s the life i’m trying to run from here on out. but first, to get back to being able to even get up and walk around like a normal person, go outside, eat more than once a day, and stuff like that.

i complained about having mental health issues to someone the other day saying i felt guilty for having them. but this is just where i’m at, i’m not making this up. i feel like if i didn’t have that going on, these things wouldn’t affect me the same way. but i have to feel my way out this paper bag. i can’t even believe i’m sitting up writing this honestly. i’ve imagined myself doing it for the past 5 days. and i haven’t been able to. but i just had to let it out – grief hurts. loss hurts. but it also brings clarity to the sense of there is a better future for someone past this earth and you gain someone that’s looking out for you in a sense that no one else will ever get.

i’m depressed. i’m grieving. but i’m still here. trying so hard.

 

amen. asé.

-gg

Warrior Work.

Being free is being able to release the chains of your past. It’s so important to recognize what those chains are that hold you back from being the truest representation of yourself. A lot of the time, the chains that are holding us back from our greatness are chains that have been imposed on us by others. A lot of the times, we are blinded by the fact that these chains exist because we are so used to lugging them around. When we aren’t able to pay attention to the small components and pieces of language that people can impose upon us, we don’t recognize it as us being bound by what they project onto us. These chains, however, are self-imposed because we are allowed to pick and choose what we allow to hold us back. The thing about it though?

No one has ever explicitly taught us that.

Yes, we can ignore or refute when someone completely steps out of line with us and we know that it doesn’t align with our own personal truth. But what about when certain actions that happen to us trigger us to become paralyzed and completely forget about who we are and what actually matters to us at our core? When we are frozen and forget to realize who and what our true selves are? There are sometimes experiences that we all go through that hinder us from being able to loose ourselves of what is holding us back; the reason why we stay underwater, drowning and confused is because no one ever has taught us how to heal and move past the traumas that we have experienced.

Now, I’m not about to sit here and act like I’ve been paying attention to the news like a hawk. I know bits and pieces about what’s going on in regards to our political climate. But there has been a reason why I have taken somewhat of a step back from social media and all of the hysterics that have been going on:

  1. I can’t believe this is the world that I am living in and this is the reality of the country that I call home.
  2. I identify with those brave souls who have spoken out and spoken up for those who have had to remain voiceless, and I haven’t completely worked through my own trauma and mindset when it comes to these situations.
  3. Even though I have a background in International Studies and took Political Science courses (and I should be more well-versed and into these topics), they legit take me to a lower frequency than where I want to be.

I want to focus on number 2 right now, mainly though. I salute those that have come forth to speak about their experiences with assault and standing up against those that have done wrong by them. As someone who has experienced being sexually assaulted by men three times over the course of my life, I never realized how much it has affected me in my adulthood, and also the importance of releasing that trauma and lovingly letting that bullshit go in my life. The idea of freedom from those chains has been something that has haunted me my whole life.

They have made me believe that I’m not worthy enough to be with someone because I’m only looked at as a playtoy.

They have made me believe that I am only someone that is looked at as having something pure, and that purity is something that is wanted to be taken from me regularly by strangers.

They have made me somewhat unable to feel like I can connect with someone on a sexual level and actually sustain that level of sexual fervor with them – I mean, I am a Scorpio and you would think that by what ‘society says’ about Scorpios, I would be out here sucking and fucking but that’s not the case.

I actually have been traumatized by all those experiences, and have never had the ability to confront those that have violated me in a variety of ways.

And I never will truly have the opportunity to. I figured just erasing them from my life was the best way, or legitimately not being able to contact these people because I don’t know where they are out there and I can’t verbalize to them the impact they have had on me as an adult.

These are reasons why I respect any person who can speak about their sexual trauma and actually have the balls to confront those that have wronged them. Those that can actually own the fact that they have been a victim of being violated, and own the fact that they will not let that person keep them bound by their potential self-hatred or confusion when it comes to thinking about and loving who they are.

Those experiences in my life completely changed how I view every relationship I have and make me second guess who I let into my life in any way – I always feel like people want something from me, and that’s not fair to everyone. Yes, my past helps shape my current and then bleeds into my future, but it’s also something that I can’t hang over everyone’s head. One thing that I have learned through all of those experiences is that when my vibration was completely not on the frequency it is now, I was blind and naive and …I still don’t blame myself for that. I blame the other person for seeing someone who was pure and doe-eyed and even though my words may have said one thing, the people who were responsible for said assaults were facing their own demons that they obviously forced onto me.

I can’t do anything but lovingly release them and that trauma from my life. Now, I’m not saying I’m healed in any way just because I’m writing this. I’m still working through this and my truth, like many survivors of assault, do. I’m just at a place right now where I refuse to continue to be silent about it, and act like it didn’t happen or I’m weak because of it.

Yes, I’m a victim of repeated sexual assaults. Yes, it has had an effect on how I live day to day, and how I show up in my relationships regularly. Yes, I have had to learn the hard way compared to others in some instances, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And I lovingly release the hate and the anger I’ve had towards those that have hurt me physically. Mentally. Emotionally. There is no gain in hanging onto dead weight. It takes a wise person to realize that, and move on accordingly. I’m choosing to do that, and I salute and support all those that are still enduring that battle.

It takes a warrior to fight for their dreams, and not let boulders block blessings. I choose to be and have always been a warrior, and I free myself from feeling like anything less than.

I encourage you to release the chains that have held you back, love. 

Release the chains of feeling like your body isn’t good enough for someone else. That your status may make you feel like you’re less than someone else. The chains that have held you back from allowing yourself to be magic. That have held you back from telling you that your greatness isn’t good enough.

Let me be the first to tell you: you are a star. You are light. You are magic. You are revolutionary. Step out onto the stage, and don’t let anything hold you back from what you deserve, bitch.

You’re fighting the good fight. Continue to do such.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

Balance.

Happy Tuesday, friends. It’s been a couple of days since I have written last, and I have been dying to develop new content. I spent some time outside of the city camping playing Survivor in upstate New York! This was such a wonderful experience and I’m so glad to have met the people that I met, and play the game. Here’s a sneak peek from the original tribe I was put on and us after winning our first challenge.

IMG_7046I can’t even begin to explain what it’s like to play this game – it wasn’t the real show but more like a fan-based version of the game that I participated in. I played in challenges, strategized, and all of the like. I was camping essentially for two days outside in the elements. If you want to see some of the stuff that I did, you can check out the Survivor: New York page for the time being until the actual episodes are created. I can’t wait for you all to see how I did, and what this experience was like for me.

After all of this, I came back to real life after being disconnected from the world for two days and came back to start my job in a new role. It’s been such an adjustment being back in this world and just trying to find balance. I have been having a hard time re-centering myself because I’ve just been going to work, trying to make meetings, trying to figure out how to get to the gym, catch up on all my shows, do stuff for work to prepare, and be an actual person. Work being back in my life has made me feel even more off kilter than before, and it’s been a struggle to figure out my place in the world. Things have been feeling like they lack purpose in some sense, because I feel like there’s always just so much to do and there’s not enough time.

I ask you – have you ever felt the same way? Have you felt like time escaped you and you didn’t know what to do about it? This is really a devil that we all tend to deal with in terms of finding balance, and making sure we stick to what our intuition tells us. We all have to work to make money. We all have other obligations we have to fulfill. But at the same time, if the things that you are doing are not purposeful and giving you true enjoyment in your real life. I am learning what that looks like for me on a daily basis, and if you are searching for balance in your life, you should take some time to map that out.

I’ve been trying to be more intentional about what I do, where I go, and when I go places and listen to my body. Your body is a great barometer in figuring out what is necessary for you at the time and whether or not you are in a good place. When my body says no more, I listen. I can’t push myself to a limit that it doesn’t have instilled in the first place. You also have to take into account all that you have achieved up until this point, and remember that you have to be a leader in your own life in order to have what you want be the outcome. You have lots of inner wisdom that lets you know what resonates with you and what doesn’t. You have to remember that advancement in your own spiritual self is growth and that so much is going to manifest itself for you in terms of having what you need if you stay grounded. Take time to work all that out on today, and figure out what you need in terms of feeling like you have it all together. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

 

P.S. Recently, I appeared on a friend’s YouTube series entitled Unzipped! You should check me out talking about open relationships here, and get my feel on it along with my friend Hector.

The Voice Inside

Happy Friday to everyone reading! I don’t know where this post is going, but I’m going to speak about intuition and how it’s led me to do certain things, act certain ways, and how it can be a barometer for you in your life. In terms of being intuitive, I believe that this is something that comes from a gut feeling. We are spiritual beings as humans, and there is a spirit that rests within our soul that tells us how to respond to things, even if we don’t recognize it. A great quote from one of my favorite shows, Survivor, comes from Kellyn Bechtold in this past season of Survivor: Ghost Island. A question was posed to her on whether or not she makes decisions using her head or her heart. She responded with her gut leading her to make decisions, and that’s the combination of her using her head and her heart in conjunction with one another to lead her down the way to make a decision.

Now, sometimes, intuition can lead us into situations that don’t always seem flavorful in the moment, but this doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact us in some sort of way. It also takes a lot of practice to follow your intuition and tap into knowing what is right and what is wrong. I believe it to be a mixture of you following what you know is right in your head, and what is right in your heart, plus that feeling inside of you that just tells you when to go to a certain place, or when to avoid a certain situation. This can come into play in a multitude of ways, on a number of levels.

I’ll give you a personal example. One day, heading home from work, I was hungry. The bus passes by this restaurant that I love going to, and I had something in my gut tell me to not go there. I didn’t know why my intuition was telling me not to go here – I mean, it’s just food? Yeah, I could save the amount of money I was spending there and get something cheaper to eat, but I just didn’t think like that. I just went there anyway. I only had my cards on me, and no cash, and this place doesn’t have an ATM machine. Ironically enough, their machines were down, meaning that they could only take cash. I wasn’t about to spend my time going to find cash just to eat there, so I went on about my life. That’s a moment where I realized that my intuition was trying to tell me something, but I let my head get in the way, because I tried to rationalize with myself that I was just overthinking things.

Your intuition can also lead you out of dangerous situations that can be harmful for you. One evening, I was invited to go to a party where there was going to be a bunch of ‘vices’ that could have threatened my sobriety in a sense. I followed my intuition and stayed at home instead, and decided to make a spiritual bath instead. I felt this feeling of calm and love for self that I knew I needed to just take care of self, and stay at home. I felt so much more at peace, and even though I was missing some of my friends at this party, I knew that I was saving myself from a situation that could have been potentially harmful for me. What I’ve noticed is that following your intuition for the most part feels GOOD. You start to feel like your vibration is raised and you are connected to the Universe and what it wants you to notice.

You may be wondering how you tap into this. First, you need to believe that you have a strong intuition in order to receive these intuitive messages. You are receiving guidance every minute of the day, but you have to determine whether or not that is based on fear or love. You need to remember that your soul has a voice and the voice is your inner guide and teacher, and wants nothing more than the best for you. You have to allow your ego to get out of the way in order for your intuition to speak to you clearly.

Kyle Gray, who I’ve referred to before states in his book that I’ve referenced before “Raise Your Vibration” that “If you hear a voice telling you to do something and in so many days, weeks or months you’ll see the results, this is the ego speaking. If you hear a voice telling you that if you don’t make a certain change or do a particular thing you’ll have bad luck, you’ll fail, you’ll get fat and ugly and you’ll be a reject, then this is the ego too. The voice of your soul will always speak in the present tense. It will speak to you in a loving way and it will always point out how far you’ve come, the gifts that you have and tell you that you have more strength than you know. The voice of your soul doesn’t always have a plan but will remind you that if you take a step forwards the Universe will present the next step to you. It encourages you to take a leap of faith, knowing that you will be caught by your angels and guides.”

Remember that our inner selves are love. Your intuition and your soul only wants the best for you and only wants to spread love for you on your path towards your own spiritual growth. You should always have a loving conversation with yourself and ask your soul to speak to you loud and clear. Ask your angel guides to help you tap into the guidance you have in your soul, and thank your soul for being such a great teacher so that you can follow your heart’s true desires and take steps towards living life the way you want to: filled with a true sense of purpose and connection, and with some sort of style and grace. If you ask your soul to allow you this amount of willingness and guidance, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to be at your best self.

This morning, I had a meeting that I had planned on going to, but my intuition told me to take a chill pill and do this instead. This weekend, I’ll be going camping (more details on where and why to come soon) and I will be following my intuition and using a lot of logic in order to ensure that I am in the safest place possible. I ask that while I am away, you all work on speaking to your soul and allowing your intuition to guide you in the direction that is best fit for you. (Also, send me some positive vibes. I haven’t been camping in almost 3 years so this should be an experience!) You’ll know what that means and what that sounds like. Just trust yourself, first and foremost. All you have is you, and your soul knows what it’s like to have integrity and purpose. Revel in that, and have a blessed weekend.

Choose to listen to the voice of your soul.

Amen. Asé.

-gg