sticks & stones.

faggot ass nigga.

as those words were uttered today in my presence, i was taken back to a time that i didn’t even realize had such an impact on me. i immediately addressed the situation with the culprit and said culprit didn’t understand why i was so offended because it wasn’t addressed towards me. while understandable, the words themselves are enough to warrant some type of side-eye from any respectable human being. i know you don’t joke around with your friends running around calling them ‘faggot ass nigga’ on a regular basis, do you? even your good Judies? i didn’t think so. i just felt my body getting hot and my hands start to shake. i was triggered.

certain vernacular has been reclaimed to mean something to a group of people. ‘nigga’ was claimed by black people (and certain Latinxs) as a term of endearment. ‘redneck’ is something that means one thing to one community but i imagine it to be a term of endearment amongst a similar community. the ‘c’ work (cracker) is something i grew up hearing (or honkey) but i never used because i always imagined it to be a slur of some sort. no one is running around calling people that inhabit that community similar to them any of these names. where is the line drawn becomes the question when it comes to certain terms…

some people hear things and let them roll off their back. i have been that type of person before to just ignore and keep it pushing. but leaning into pushback has been a goal of mine compared to just being a backburner person. someone who lets things happen and makes no effort to change them or address them. being a leader by nature, it’s extremely important to educate and help give wisdom in whatever capacity i can. i’m not perfect and i can admit that, but know when i am wrong. i can apologize if a boundary is overstepped. these things aren’t taught properly to everyone though. it takes patience, work, and consistent openness and conversation to happen. everyone is not mature enough to receive that type of wisdom at all times, and this is what tends to cause friction.

triggers are real. hearing those words took me back to the 5th grade. her name was hazel. i remember her going around telling people that i was gay and all of these things. now, in the 5th grade i am pretty sure i liked a girl so for that rumor to spread and then for me to not know what it means but know that it sounds like it has a negative connotation to it? and then don’t get me started on my family pulling guns out on me after finding (snooping) a bit of my sexuality out…yeah, that really hit home for me and i didn’t realize until i was able to dig deeper into my conscience and figure out why i felt the way i did any time those words were uttered. i know that the words need not be used anyway but the turmoil that it takes me to – a time where i felt unloved, unsafe, confused, hurt…that doesn’t go away automatically.

when you do your shadow work, you’re able to stand adversity in the face and it can rile you up. that’s okay. we are not perfect people. it’s about how you handle the situation in the moment. anyone can catch these spiritual hands; don’t get it twisted. and you can also catch a tongue lashing if necessary. shadow work is important because it helps you to get to the root of any issues and why you may act the way you do. being able to understand this a bit better, maneuver around it best i can, and push on?…it has taken years. but i am a work in progress every day… aren’t we all?

it’s important to keep it cute or put it on mute. what works for you and your people is cool, but that don’t work for everyone. this is a PSA to anyone reading to learn how to stay in your own lane. you know what that looks like. you know who that is supposed to be around. be sensitive to those around you. get to know their triggers. their trauma if they’re willing to share. it helps you to help them and that karmic rule is golden. that law of the Lord is golden. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. therefore, lead with love, and even when things are not giving you the love you deserve back, drop it. it’s not worth the energy. the time. the emotions you put into it. especially when it’s something that truly is a game changer for your spirit.

stand your ground in april. find your tribe. love yourself and your neighbor. teach compassion. but also, teach that you don’t take shit. boundaried UP is the way to be. this is the only way you can survive the triggers of the world. a year or two ago, a resopnse to something like that would have been different. this year however, …this lifetime….yeah. it’s all about that action, like i said. are you ridng?

amen. asé.

-gg

Ethernet.

Happy October. It’s already a bit into October thus far, and we are about to go into Venus Retrograde. I have been feeling a bit disconnected overall with everything in my life. After losing my student and dealing with a variety of nightmares, lucid dreams, astral projections, and so many other emotions, I’ve just been drained. Trauma is real out here, and I’m starting to realize why my whole life has been feeling like a show in so many ways. This is beside the point though. I want to focus on the upcoming transits that are happening and why they are so important/my own personal reflections on them.

Venus Retrograde has already started, and we have been probably feeling a lot coming up in regards to relationships and the dynamics that your relationships have. Some of these relationships that you have been engaging in have some sort of shadow side, and some don’t. It’s important to remember what is most important at your depth and how you can transcend certain feelings and heal so that way you can determine whether or not the people in your life are worth your time or whether or not they are draining your energy. This is the perfect time for people from your past to pop up, and for you to disconnect from those that do not serve your greater purpose in relationships or acquaintanceships. This is a time of growth and making sure that you are letting certain people drop out of your life that aren’t meant for you to take along for the ride. It will make the underlying hidden themes very real for you and push you to trust your intuition when it comes to who is right for you and who isn’t. It’s time for you to plug into your feelings and really trust what the Universe is telling you and guiding you towards when it comes to a variety of relationships in your life.

When I think about the ethernet cable, it shows my age because the ethernet cable is what I had to use to connect to the Internet before we had wonderful WiFi and all that. I used to have to manually plug myself in to able to download what was necessary and get access to all of what I need. What’s wonderful is that we have evolved so much as a society and as a people that we don’t have to do that anymore, and this is also parallel to being able to tap into our souls and know what’s going to be best for us as we endure this Venus Retrograde.

We also have a New Moon coming up on the 8th that is going to take place in Libra, and that is going to remind us of what is really important in our lives. In an upcoming post (as I’ll have a bit more time coming up – personal life things have really been taking away from my ability to write as much as I would like and I don’t like that), I will dive more into how important this transit is and how powerful it is to have a new beginning. I’m in transit of starting a new emotional beginning myself and waking up to the things that don’t serve me anymore, and I implore you to do the same.

Before I leave, I want you to ask yourself what role in life are you plugged into the most right now and how can you take charge of diving deeper into these different roles when it comes to your personal power and taking hold of your future.

Are you the observer, who is self-aware and mastering your decisions by evaluating what is the right decision in all instances?

Are you the director, who is the proactive and intentional creator of your life and paying attention to the details of your story in order to bring forth the best possible outcome for all characters in your life, putting yourself as the star of the show?

Are you the guardian, who protects their mind, body, and soul and doesn’t allow things that take you out of your spiritual context to push your forward?

Are you the warrior, who fights purposefully, wanting more for your life and asking what you will stand for in life and making sure that you will fight for it?

Are you the lover, who never forgets whom you are fighting for and are purposeful in tending to reconnecting to your heart and being the best lover possible to yourself and others?

Are you the leader who helps to drive humanity and the collective towards uplifting mankind and improving the world and influencing it?

Take some time to use that ethernet cable this week, plug into what’s important to you, and figure out which role you need to make more of an effort to become in order to be blessed with your new beginning on your own terms.

Until next time.

Amen. Asé.

-gg

Warrior Work.

Being free is being able to release the chains of your past. It’s so important to recognize what those chains are that hold you back from being the truest representation of yourself. A lot of the time, the chains that are holding us back from our greatness are chains that have been imposed on us by others. A lot of the times, we are blinded by the fact that these chains exist because we are so used to lugging them around. When we aren’t able to pay attention to the small components and pieces of language that people can impose upon us, we don’t recognize it as us being bound by what they project onto us. These chains, however, are self-imposed because we are allowed to pick and choose what we allow to hold us back. The thing about it though?

No one has ever explicitly taught us that.

Yes, we can ignore or refute when someone completely steps out of line with us and we know that it doesn’t align with our own personal truth. But what about when certain actions that happen to us trigger us to become paralyzed and completely forget about who we are and what actually matters to us at our core? When we are frozen and forget to realize who and what our true selves are? There are sometimes experiences that we all go through that hinder us from being able to loose ourselves of what is holding us back; the reason why we stay underwater, drowning and confused is because no one ever has taught us how to heal and move past the traumas that we have experienced.

Now, I’m not about to sit here and act like I’ve been paying attention to the news like a hawk. I know bits and pieces about what’s going on in regards to our political climate. But there has been a reason why I have taken somewhat of a step back from social media and all of the hysterics that have been going on:

  1. I can’t believe this is the world that I am living in and this is the reality of the country that I call home.
  2. I identify with those brave souls who have spoken out and spoken up for those who have had to remain voiceless, and I haven’t completely worked through my own trauma and mindset when it comes to these situations.
  3. Even though I have a background in International Studies and took Political Science courses (and I should be more well-versed and into these topics), they legit take me to a lower frequency than where I want to be.

I want to focus on number 2 right now, mainly though. I salute those that have come forth to speak about their experiences with assault and standing up against those that have done wrong by them. As someone who has experienced being sexually assaulted by men three times over the course of my life, I never realized how much it has affected me in my adulthood, and also the importance of releasing that trauma and lovingly letting that bullshit go in my life. The idea of freedom from those chains has been something that has haunted me my whole life.

They have made me believe that I’m not worthy enough to be with someone because I’m only looked at as a playtoy.

They have made me believe that I am only someone that is looked at as having something pure, and that purity is something that is wanted to be taken from me regularly by strangers.

They have made me somewhat unable to feel like I can connect with someone on a sexual level and actually sustain that level of sexual fervor with them – I mean, I am a Scorpio and you would think that by what ‘society says’ about Scorpios, I would be out here sucking and fucking but that’s not the case.

I actually have been traumatized by all those experiences, and have never had the ability to confront those that have violated me in a variety of ways.

And I never will truly have the opportunity to. I figured just erasing them from my life was the best way, or legitimately not being able to contact these people because I don’t know where they are out there and I can’t verbalize to them the impact they have had on me as an adult.

These are reasons why I respect any person who can speak about their sexual trauma and actually have the balls to confront those that have wronged them. Those that can actually own the fact that they have been a victim of being violated, and own the fact that they will not let that person keep them bound by their potential self-hatred or confusion when it comes to thinking about and loving who they are.

Those experiences in my life completely changed how I view every relationship I have and make me second guess who I let into my life in any way – I always feel like people want something from me, and that’s not fair to everyone. Yes, my past helps shape my current and then bleeds into my future, but it’s also something that I can’t hang over everyone’s head. One thing that I have learned through all of those experiences is that when my vibration was completely not on the frequency it is now, I was blind and naive and …I still don’t blame myself for that. I blame the other person for seeing someone who was pure and doe-eyed and even though my words may have said one thing, the people who were responsible for said assaults were facing their own demons that they obviously forced onto me.

I can’t do anything but lovingly release them and that trauma from my life. Now, I’m not saying I’m healed in any way just because I’m writing this. I’m still working through this and my truth, like many survivors of assault, do. I’m just at a place right now where I refuse to continue to be silent about it, and act like it didn’t happen or I’m weak because of it.

Yes, I’m a victim of repeated sexual assaults. Yes, it has had an effect on how I live day to day, and how I show up in my relationships regularly. Yes, I have had to learn the hard way compared to others in some instances, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And I lovingly release the hate and the anger I’ve had towards those that have hurt me physically. Mentally. Emotionally. There is no gain in hanging onto dead weight. It takes a wise person to realize that, and move on accordingly. I’m choosing to do that, and I salute and support all those that are still enduring that battle.

It takes a warrior to fight for their dreams, and not let boulders block blessings. I choose to be and have always been a warrior, and I free myself from feeling like anything less than.

I encourage you to release the chains that have held you back, love. 

Release the chains of feeling like your body isn’t good enough for someone else. That your status may make you feel like you’re less than someone else. The chains that have held you back from allowing yourself to be magic. That have held you back from telling you that your greatness isn’t good enough.

Let me be the first to tell you: you are a star. You are light. You are magic. You are revolutionary. Step out onto the stage, and don’t let anything hold you back from what you deserve, bitch.

You’re fighting the good fight. Continue to do such.

Amen. Asé.

-gg