heavenly presence.

i’m coming home. back to atlanta, riding this damn amtrak train headed back down the eastern coast. i recently just lost my uncle and that has been one of the hardest things to even process. to be completely honest, it still hasn’t completely hit me yet. everyone else has been closer to the fire and the flame forreal, so they’ve been able to feel it and somewhat process. the thing about me is that it takes some time to process everything in my life, so these emotions haven’t hit me completely yet. i had a vision about what i would do when i saw my uncle in that casket tomorrow, and i just…i began to shudder. losing anyone you care about, whether that’s via death or via separation is hard. but not knowing the logistics of how something happened; not being prepared in order to deal with this because it was unexpected; not being able to prepare for what is coming your way. that’s what causes me anxiety and i am SO glad that i have all my medications this weekend in order to make sure that i’m good. otherwise, i know i would be a useless piece of mess. i know that this whole time i’ve been on this train, all i have been thinking about is just making it through these days. it isn’t a long time until tuesday, and i think i’m going to be taking wednesday off because at this point, i really don’t care. i just need some time to recuperate after this weekend.

no one will ever understand what it’s like for me to lose this specific uncle. he’s the only blood uncle that i have. he also didn’t have kids, wasn’t married, nothing like that. so being the eldest nephew of the family, this is hitting me a lot harder than you would imagine, mainly because it feels like a father that has passed away to me in a sense. what i could always appreciate about my uncle is the fact that he always would check on me, give me real life advice, make me laugh, and never ever make me feel judged. i do remember him just always giving me clothes, words of wisdom, and he was someone i just felt like i could always talk to without judgment. he was my dad’s brother and i know that my dad, having lost his mother and father years ago, is really struggling right now because now it’s just him with us and his current wife. so yeah. a whole show.

but i’m going to make it. my family is going to make it. as i travel down this east coast and catch the simplicities of the south, i realize how much i’ve changed and how i’m so used to seeing people moving and things going on. like always. and how moving back to something quiet like this could be relaxing in the future when i feel like a completely fully realized adult. right now though, i’ll take my isolation in my 1BR in NYC where i can walk to the corner store and they know who i am.

so much is going on in my head in regards to the future. i feel the spirit of my uncle trying to push through me. basically he is trying to encourage me to stay lifted. my step-brother, who passed away in 2017, has consistently tried to push me towards entrepreneurship. it’s not that i don’t want to – i just need to figure out my own lane and make it real. i feel like i have so much energy from those who have passed on and sent me their positive blessings and strength. therefore, i feel ready to take on the world. i just have to let my feet and hands get on the same page instead of thinking that that’s not possible. everything is possible as long as you believe and put the effort towards it.

and that’s one thing i can always be grateful for my uncle for. so yeh. i’m just gonna take it from here and ride through this weekend. it’s the only thing i can do.

but this is dedicated to bruce allan mccrear. my uncle. someone who i will always love & appreciate…and am thankful to have him as one of my guardian angels.

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man i’m so glad i got to see you when you visited NYC. “aye RUDEBWOY you think you can cop a zip for me?” …. now you know i always got you dawg. hah.

good old BAM –

you’ll never realize how much i appreciated having you as an uncle / second dad for me. i feel like because you didn’t have to worry about your own kids, you were able to spoil me and baby boy even more than an uncle could. trust & believe i appreciated that more than you know. the times you would take to call and check in are unmatched. i think about the first time you had me try alcohol. GREY GOOSE. at 15. thanks for that, because that shit sent me down a huge spiral of negativity when college started but since then, i have been cleaning my act up. you will always be the one credited to giving me my first sip of alcohol. and then after i learned how to smoke, you helped me out any time you could. let’s be real – you were the edible king. sometimes i was so sad i lived so far away because i couldn’t drive to get a real good edible or some shit. lmao. but either way, you are someone who i admire and desire to emulate. even though you were a player and had your pick of the litter, what most importantly mattered to me was that no one ever had anything bad to say to you or about you. peaceful, forward-thinking, hard-working…that is you & thank you for that. thank you for teaching me how to take that on, and i will carry a piece of you for the rest of my days. i love you BAM. i miss you. you were taken so abruptly and it blows. but i know you wouldn’t want me to fret and would just want me to continue being a real ass nigga like you always advise me to.

-always,

GoDdaMn.

amen. asé.

-gg

 

 

Blurred Visions.

“Use your vision as your sounding board. From the types of projects that you take on to the images that you post, continually ask yourself, “is this consistent with where I am trying to go?” Be patient, and stay dedicated to the game. Building a brand takes time, but it will be worth it once you get there.” – Sinead Bovell

This quote was taken from a very great friend of mine who is changing the game by talking about entrepreneurship while being a model and talking about the impact of the tech industry in our current global climate, Sinead Bovell. Her website WAYE, Weekly Advice for the Young Entrepreneur, gives tips to those that are making their vision come to the forefront and gives tips on how to stay encouraged in your work, as well as documenting her journey from changing her initial career into something that empowers young people to follow their dreams. This video she shared with me and with her networks is something that I continue to watch and reflect on over and over again because of how powerful it is.

Do you know how powerful it is to follow your vision? Do you even have a vision as to where you want to see yourself? Sometimes, we get so caught up in wanting more that we don’t intentionally plan out and sell ourselves out to our dreams and our visions.

As my birthday is right around the corner, I always get extremely reflective around this time about how far I have come since celebrating my last birthday. As a Scorpio Sun and a Libra Moon (this moon transit has been taking your boy completely out the game), I’m extremely analytical about everything and we have a reputation of being extremely bold and not giving a damn about what others have to say. I can say that for me, that hasn’t always been the case. I have gotten better at it the older I’ve gotten but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve always known that the space that I’ve been functioning from has been a place of fear as if I am always worried about what the next logical step is going to be when it comes to manifesting my dreams and staying grounded in them. It’s so important to remember how important it is to sell ourselves out to our visions, and not allow ourselves to be blurred by everyday life and the happenings that cause us to be derailed from our true happiness.

As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I find myself second guessing myself a lot of the time when it comes to the things I want to manifest in my life and don’t allow the true vision that I want to see be my actual reality come to the forefront. I get anxious that my dreams are bigger than what I’m actually able to manifest. I get anxious that people will not believe in my dreams and I won’t be supported. I get nervous to reach out to others to help me on that path to allowing my visions to become reality. I say all this to ask you to reflect and wonder – are you living life through your eyes or someone else’s?

As we have grown up in life, we go by doing what our parents want most for us a lot of the time. We revere their advice as the end all be all, and sometimes forget to take into account what our intuition knows is best for us, as well as forget that we have to create our own paths towards greatness without fear in order to manifest what is true for us. I’m here to remind you to stop getting in your own way. I say this to myself also, and Sinead’s quote from her website is one that really stuck out to me. She speaks on building your brand and it taking time for you to get there. Everything is not instantaneous, and we have to continue to be intentional and focused on manifesting the vision that we have for ourselves in regards to the work we want to see ourselves doing. There are always going to be drawbacks, obstacles, and negative people and situations that try and stop us from reaching our full potential, but I’m here today to remind you that there is nothing that is TOO BIG for you to attain. It all starts with you and how sold out you are to your true vision.

That takes time. That takes work. That takes you not having blurred vision and allowing others to attribute to those blurred lines because you have yourself to worry about at the end of the day and no one else. I’m also here to remind you that those that are truly in support of what you see yourself doing will be there to help you brainstorm and push you to continually get to the space that you see yourself being in.

But it is EXTREMELY important that you are clear in what that vision is. Take into account trying to explain a math problem to someone, but you don’t have a background in math. How is someone supposed to follow you or be able to take your ‘expertise’ at face value if you actually haven’t taken the time to sit, prepare, execute and explain your train of thought while working on this math problem with someone else? You have to be crystal clear in the manifestations that you want to happen in your life and the visions that you so desperately want to see come to pass.

We all have really huge dreams, but they’re just fantasies if we don’t put in the work to actually seeing them happen. You have to be consistent in making moves towards achieving your dreams on a regular basis. They’re the things that make you wake up in the morning daily, and give you life, even when you feel like you’re deprived of energy. They are the things that truly bring you joy every day when you don’t feel like doing much else. They are the things that help you feel as though you are moving in this space of service in this world. Stay true to your own vision and don’t let anyone else tell you that your visions aren’t valid. Those are the ones that blur your vision and derail you from your space of greatness.

As I encroach the time of me turning 29, I re-dedicate myself to following my dreams and not just having them as fantasies. I also re-dedicate myself to being able to talk about said visions I have for myself and moving towards them on a regular basis in whatever way that looks like. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up when things don’t transpire the way you THOUGHT they would. With careful planning, being intentional about what you do, and moving with grace and gratitude daily, your dreams can come to the light if you so choose.

I encourage you to take some time to think about the actionable steps you can take to achieving your goals and making those visions come true. Trust, it’ll all be worth it when you start moving at your pace instead of someone else’s. You have the power to reframe your whole life. Thoughts become things. Words become bond. Be mindful of the actions you take and the things you think. Be mindful of how you move in this world, and be unapologetic when it comes to getting where you want to be.

You got this. I got this. We all got this, okurr?

Amen. Asé.

-gg